-
[Circus music]
-
[Applause]
-
We are organizing a baseball team
-
here at the Retired Actors' Home.
-
I am the manager. Now...
-
You're going to be the manager
-
of the Retired Actors'
baseball team?
-
Yes.
-
I would like to join
the Retired Actors' baseball team.
-
Oh, you would?
-
I would like to know
some of the guys' names
-
on the team, so if I want to
play with them, I know them.
-
If I meet them on the street,
I can say "Hello" to them.
-
Oh. Sure.
-
But you know, they give baseball
players nowadays,
-
very peculiar names.
-
Oh? A lot of funny names.
-
You know, like "Stinky Fields."
-
"Goofy Dan."
-
"Boobie Barber."
-
[Laughs]
-
On our team, we have:
-
"Who" is on first,
-
"What" is on second,
-
"I don't know" is on third.
-
That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.
-
Huh?
-
That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.
-
I'm telling you.
-
"Who" is on first, "What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.
-
Abbott, you gonna be the manager
of the baseball team?
-
Yes.
-
You know the guys' names?
-
Why, sure.
-
Well, you tell me the guys' names
on the baseball team.
-
I say: "Who" is on first,
-
"What" is on second,
-
"I don't know" is on third.
-
You ain't said nothing to me yet.
-
Go ahead and tell me.
-
I'm telling him. Look.
-
Tell me.
-
"Who" Is on first,
-
"What" is on second.
-
"I don't know" is on third.
-
You know the guys' names
on the baseball team?
-
Yes.
-
Go ahead. Who's on first?
-
Yes.
-
I mean, the guy's name.
-
"Who."
-
The guy playing first.
-
"Who."
-
The guy playing first base.
-
"Who!"
-
The guy on first base.
-
"Who" is on first.
-
What are you asking me for?!
I don't know!
-
Wait, I'm not...
-
I'm asking YOU who is on first.
-
That is his name.
-
Go ahead and tell me.
-
"Who."
-
The guy on first.
-
That's it.
-
That's his name!
-
You ain't said nothing.
I ain't asked you nothing.
-
Yes you did.
-
You know the guy's name
on first base?
-
Sure.
-
Tell me the guy's name
on first base.
-
"Who."
-
The guy playing first base.
-
"Who" is on first, Lou.
-
What are ya asking me for?!
-
Now, don't get excited.
I'm saying "Who..."
-
I'm asking you a simple question:
Who is on first?
-
Yes.
-
Well go ahead and tell me.
-
That's it.
-
That's who?
-
Yes.
-
I'm asking you. What is the guy's name
on first base?
-
No, "What" is on second.
-
I'm not asking you who is on second.
-
"Who" is on first.
-
One base at a time, now!
-
Don't mix up my players.
-
I'm not mixing up anybody.
-
Now, what's the guy's name
on first base?
-
No, "What" is on second.
-
I'm not asking you who
is on second!
-
"Who" is on first.
-
I don't know.
-
He is on third.
-
[Laughter]
-
Wait a minute. Whoa.
-
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-
How did I get on third base?
-
You mentioned his name.
-
I mentioned his name?
-
Yes.
-
I don't know anybody's name
on the team.
-
How could I mention
the guy's name?
-
You did. You just mentioned it.
-
All right. What is the guy's name
on third base?
-
No. "What" is on second.
-
Who is on second?
-
"Who" is on first.
-
I don't know.
-
He's on third.
-
I didn't even mention
the guy's name on third base!
-
Yes you did, Lou.
-
All right. Then, who is playing
third base?
-
No, "Who" is on first.
-
I'm not asking you
what is on first.
-
"What" is on second.
-
Who is on second?
-
"Who" is on first.
-
I don't know.
-
[Both] Third base.
-
I don't know anybody
on the baseball team.
-
You do.
-
You mentioned their names.
-
I do?
-
Sure.
-
You got an outfield?
-
Naturally.
-
The left fielder's name?
-
"Why."
-
[Laughter]
-
I just thought I'd ask.
-
I thought I'd tell you.
-
Go ahead. Tell me.
-
Tell you what?
-
The left fielder's name.
-
"Why."
-
Because I want to know!
-
Because!
-
Oh, he's center field.
-
You know these players.
-
Who is in center field?
-
No, "Who" is on first.
-
What's on first?
-
"What" is on second.
-
I don't know.
-
[Both] Third base.
-
Do you know the guys' names
on the team?
-
You don't seem to understand.
-
See, I have a first baseman...
-
I know. I asked what's
the first baseman's name?
-
No. "What" is the
second baseman's name.
-
I asked you: What is the
first baseman's name?
-
"What" is the second
baseman's name.
-
I don't even get...
-
All right. Who is on second?
-
"Who" is on first.
-
What base do you want
to talk about?!
-
You talk about any one
you want.
-
All right. Now. Who is on first.
-
Right.
-
Okay. [Splutters]
-
Now...stop that.
-
All right. You got a first baseman.
-
Yes.
-
When you pay the first baseman
every month,
-
who gets the money?
-
Every dollar of it.
-
Who gets it?
-
Every dollar of it.
-
Who gets it?
-
He does.
-
Sometimes, his wife comes down,
and collects it.
-
Whose wife?
-
Yes.
-
[Laughter]
-
Why not, Lou? He's earned it.
-
Who did?
-
Yes.
-
[Laughter]
-
When you pay the first baseman
every month,
-
you get a receipt from the guy?
-
Sure.
-
How does he sign his name?
-
"Who."
-
The guy you give the money to.
-
"Who."
-
The guy you give the money to.
-
Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.
-
That's how who signs it?
-
Yes.
-
Go on and tell me.
-
That's it.
-
Who?
-
Right.
-
Look: You go to the first baseman.
-
Yes.
-
You tell him: "Here is your money.
Sign the receipt."
-
How does he sign his name?
-
"Who."
-
The guy you give the money to.
-
That's how he signs it.
-
That's how who signs it?
-
Yes.
-
Sure.
-
He... [Splutters]
-
You gotta get a receipt, don't you?
-
I get one, Lou.
-
How does the guy on first base
sign his name?
-
"WHO."
-
The guy on first.
-
That's how he signs it.
-
I'm asking you: What's the
guy's name you give the money to?
-
No, wait. "What" signs his own.
-
Who signs his own?
-
No, "Who" signs his.
-
[Laughter]
-
What's the guy's name on first...
-
"What" is on second base.
-
I'm not asking you who is on second.
-
"Who" is on first.
-
I don't know.
-
[Both] Third base.
-
[Laughter]
-
The left fielder's name,
the center fielder...
-
You got a pitcher on the team?
-
It would be a fine team
without a pitcher.
-
It's a fine team anyway.
-
The pitcher's name?
-
"Tomorrow."
-
Eh.
-
I can't change their names!
-
You don't want to tell me the name?
-
I'm telling you.
-
Go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name.
-
"Tomorrow."
-
Why not tell me today?!
I don't want to wait til tomorrow!
-
I'm telling you now.
-
Tell me the pitcher's name.
-
"Tomorrow!"
-
All right. What time tomorrow
will you tell me the pitcher's name?
-
What time, what?
-
What time tomorrow will you
tell me who is pitching?
-
"Who" is not pitching.
-
I'll break your arm!
-
I want to know what
is the pitcher's name.
-
"What" is on second.
-
I don't know.
-
Third base! Third base!
Third base.
-
You got a catcher?
-
Certainly, you have a catcher
on a baseball team.
-
Catcher's name?
-
"Today."
-
Today. Tomorrow is pitching.
Today is catching.
-
Now you've got it!
-
Now I got it?
-
All I got: We got a couple of
days on the team.
-
I can't help that, Lou.
I don't name them.
-
I'm a pretty good catcher, myself.
-
So they tell me.
-
When I get behind the plate,
I'm going to do some catching.
-
Tomorrow is pitching
on my team, right?
-
Yeah.
-
Now Tomorrow, he winds up
the ball.
-
I'm behind the plate,
and a heavy hitter gets up.
-
Now the heavy hitter
is ready to hit the ball.
-
Tomorrow is going to
throw the ball,
-
and I'm the catcher.
-
Tomorrow throws,
the guy bunts the ball.
-
Now, when he bunts the ball,
-
me, being a good catcher,
I'm going to throw the guy out
-
on first base.
-
So, I pick up the ball,
and throw it to who?
-
Now, that's the first thing
you've said right.
-
I don't even know
what I'm talking about!
-
Well, that's all you have to do!
-
Is throw the ball to first base...
-
Who has got it?
-
Naturally!
-
Sure. [Splutters]
-
The guy is running to first base,
-
and I want to throw the guy out.
-
So?
-
So I throw the ball to who?
-
Naturally.
-
Throw it to who?
-
Naturally.
-
And who has got it?
-
Naturally.
-
Huh.
-
So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to
"Naturally."
-
No, no! Wait.
-
You throw the ball to first base.
Then "Who" gets it.
-
Naturally.
-
That's right.
-
I pick up the ball.
So I throw it to "Naturally."
-
No!
-
I throw it to who?
-
Naturally.
-
That's what I'm saying!!
-
You're not saying that.
-
I said throw the ball to who?
-
Naturally.
-
You ask me.
-
Throw the ball to who?
-
"Naturally."
-
That's it.
-
Same as you!
-
Pay attention.
-
I throw the ball. To "Naturally."
-
You don't. You throw it
to "Who."
-
Now who has got it?
-
[Both] Naturally.
-
That's what I said!
-
All right.
-
Whoever it is, better get it!
-
He'll get it.
-
Don't worry about "Who."
"Who" will get it.
-
He better get it.
-
Now, I throw the ball to who.
-
Whoever it is, drops the ball.
The guy runs to second.
-
Who picks up the ball, and
throws to what.
-
What throws the ball to I don't know.
-
I don't know throws back to tomorrow.
-
Triple play.
-
Could be.
-
Another guy gets up,
-
and it's a long, fly ball to because.
-
Why?
-
I don't know. He's on third.
And I don't give a darn!
-
What?
-
I said "I don't give a darn!"
-
Ohhhh! That's our shortstop.
-
[Splutters]
-
[Laughter. Applause]
-
[Circus music]