WEBVTT

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[Circus music]

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[Applause]

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We are organizing a baseball team

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here at the Retired Actors' Home.

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I am the manager. Now...

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You're going to be the manager

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of the Retired Actors'
baseball team?

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Yes.

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I would like to join
the Retired Actors' baseball team.

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Oh, you would?

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I would like to know
some of the guys' names

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on the team, so if I want to
play with them, I know them.

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If I meet them on the street,
I can say "Hello" to them.

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Oh. Sure.

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But you know, they give baseball
players nowadays,

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very peculiar names.

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Oh? A lot of funny names.

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You know, like "Stinky Fields."

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"Goofy Dan."

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"Boobie Barber."

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[Laughs]

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On our team, we have:

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"Who" is on first,

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"What" is on second,

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"I don't know" is on third.

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That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.

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Huh?

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That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.

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I'm telling you.

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"Who" is on first, "What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.

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Abbott, you gonna be the manager
of the baseball team?

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Yes.

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You know the guys' names?

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Why, sure.

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Well, you tell me the guys' names
on the baseball team.

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I say: "Who" is on first,

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"What" is on second,

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"I don't know" is on third.

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You ain't said nothing to me yet.

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Go ahead and tell me.

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I'm telling him. Look.

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Tell me.

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"Who" Is on first,

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"What" is on second.

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"I don't know" is on third.

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You know the guys' names
on the baseball team?

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Yes.

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Go ahead. Who's on first?

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Yes.

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I mean, the guy's name.

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"Who."

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The guy playing first.

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"Who."

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The guy playing first base.

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"Who!"

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The guy on first base.

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"Who" is on first.

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What are you asking me for?!
I don't know!

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Wait, I'm not...

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I'm asking YOU who is on first.

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That is his name.

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Go ahead and tell me.

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"Who."

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The guy on first.

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That's it.

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That's his name!

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You ain't said nothing.
I ain't asked you nothing.

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Yes you did.

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You know the guy's name
on first base?

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Sure.

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Tell me the guy's name
on first base.

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"Who."

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The guy playing first base.

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"Who" is on first, Lou.

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What are ya asking me for?!

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Now, don't get excited.
I'm saying "Who..."

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I'm asking you a simple question:
Who is on first?

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Yes.

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Well go ahead and tell me.

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That's it.

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That's who?

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Yes.

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I'm asking you. What is the guy's name
on first base?

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No, "What" is on second.

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I'm not asking you who is on second.

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"Who" is on first.

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One base at a time, now!

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Don't mix up my players.

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I'm not mixing up anybody.

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Now, what's the guy's name
on first base?

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No, "What" is on second.

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I'm not asking you who
is on second!

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"Who" is on first.

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I don't know.

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He is on third.

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[Laughter]

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Wait a minute. Whoa.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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How did I get on third base?

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You mentioned his name.

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I mentioned his name?

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Yes.

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I don't know anybody's name
on the team.

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How could I mention
the guy's name?

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You did. You just mentioned it.

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All right. What is the guy's name
on third base?

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No. "What" is on second.

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Who is on second?

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"Who" is on first.

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I don't know.

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He's on third.

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I didn't even mention 
the guy's name on third base!

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Yes you did, Lou.

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All right. Then, who is playing
third base?

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No, "Who" is on first.

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I'm not asking you
what is on first.

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"What" is on second.

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Who is on second?

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"Who" is on first.

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I don't know.

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[Both] Third base.

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I don't know anybody
on the baseball team.

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You do.

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You mentioned their names.

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I do?

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Sure.

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You got an outfield?

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Naturally.

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The left fielder's name?

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"Why."

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[Laughter]

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I just thought I'd ask.

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I thought I'd tell you.

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Go ahead. Tell me.

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Tell you what?

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The left fielder's name.

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"Why."

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Because I want to know!

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Because!

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Oh, he's center field.

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You know these players.

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Who is in center field?

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No, "Who" is on first.

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What's on first?

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"What" is on second.

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I don't know.

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[Both] Third base.

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Do you know the guys' names
on the team?

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You don't seem to understand.

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See, I have a first baseman...

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I know. I asked what's
the first baseman's name?

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No. "What" is the 
second baseman's name.

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I asked you: What is the 
first baseman's name?

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"What" is the second 
baseman's name.

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I don't even get...

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All right. Who is on second?

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"Who" is on first.

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What base do you want
to talk about?!

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You talk about any one
you want.

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All right. Now. Who is on first.

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Right.

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Okay. [Splutters]

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Now...stop that.

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All right. You got a first baseman.

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Yes.

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When you pay the first baseman
every month,

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who gets the money?

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Every dollar of it.

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Who gets it?

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Every dollar of it.

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Who gets it?

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He does.

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Sometimes, his wife comes down,
and collects it.

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Whose wife?

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Yes.

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[Laughter]

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Why not, Lou? He's earned it.

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Who did?

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Yes.

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[Laughter]

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When you pay the first baseman
every month,

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you get a receipt from the guy?

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Sure.

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How does he sign his name?

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"Who."

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The guy you give the money to.

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"Who."

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The guy you give the money to.

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Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.

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That's how who signs it?

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Yes.

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Go on and tell me.

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That's it.

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Who?

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Right.

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Look: You go to the first baseman.

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Yes.

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You tell him: "Here is your money.
Sign the receipt."

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How does he sign his name?

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"Who."

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The guy you give the money to.

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That's how he signs it.

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That's how who signs it?

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Yes.

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Sure.

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He... [Splutters]

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You gotta get a receipt, don't you?

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I get one, Lou.

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How does the guy on first base
sign his name?

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"WHO."

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The guy on first.

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That's how he signs it.

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I'm asking you: What's the 
guy's name you give the money to?

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No, wait. "What" signs his own.

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Who signs his own?

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No, "Who" signs his.

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[Laughter]

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What's the guy's name on first...

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"What" is on second base.

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I'm not asking you who is on second.

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"Who" is on first.

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I don't know.

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[Both] Third base.

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[Laughter]

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The left fielder's name, 
the center fielder...

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You got a pitcher on the team?

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It would be a fine team
without a pitcher.

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It's a fine team anyway.

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The pitcher's name?

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"Tomorrow."

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Eh.

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I can't change their names!

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You don't want to tell me the name?

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I'm telling you.

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Go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name.

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"Tomorrow."

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Why not tell me today?!
I don't want to wait til tomorrow!

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I'm telling you now.

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Tell me the pitcher's name.

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"Tomorrow!"

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All right. What time tomorrow
will you tell me the pitcher's name?

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What time, what?

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What time tomorrow will you
tell me who is pitching?

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"Who" is not pitching.

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I'll break your arm!

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I want to know what 
is the pitcher's name.

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"What" is on second.

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I don't know.

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Third base! Third base!
Third base.

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You got a catcher?

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Certainly, you have a catcher
on a baseball team.

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Catcher's name?

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"Today."

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Today. Tomorrow is pitching.
Today is catching.

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Now you've got it!

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Now I got it?

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All I got: We got a couple of 
days on the team.

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I can't help that, Lou.
I don't name them.

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I'm a pretty good catcher, myself.

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So they tell me.

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When I get behind the plate,
I'm going to do some catching.

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Tomorrow is pitching
on my team, right?

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Yeah.

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Now Tomorrow, he winds up
the ball.

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I'm behind the plate, 
and a heavy hitter gets up.

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Now the heavy hitter 
is ready to hit the ball.

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Tomorrow is going to
throw the ball,

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and I'm the catcher.

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Tomorrow throws, 
the guy bunts the ball.

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Now, when he bunts the ball,

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me, being a good catcher,
I'm going to throw the guy out

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on first base.

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So, I pick up the ball,
and throw it to who?

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Now, that's the first thing
you've said right.

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I don't even know
what I'm talking about!

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Well, that's all you have to do!

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Is throw the ball to first base...

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Who has got it?

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Naturally!

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Sure. [Splutters]

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The guy is running to first base,

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and I want to throw the guy out.

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So?

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So I throw the ball to who?

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Naturally.

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Throw it to who?

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Naturally.

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And who has got it?

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Naturally.

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Huh.

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So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to
"Naturally."

00:06:33.793 --> 00:06:34.774
No, no! Wait.

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You throw the ball to first base.
Then "Who" gets it.

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Naturally.

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That's right.

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I pick up the ball.
So I throw it to "Naturally."

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No!

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I throw it to who?

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Naturally.

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That's what I'm saying!!

00:06:46.283 --> 00:06:47.623
You're not saying that.

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I said throw the ball to who?

00:06:48.831 --> 00:06:49.514
Naturally.

00:06:49.514 --> 00:06:50.265
You ask me.

00:06:50.265 --> 00:06:51.065
Throw the ball to who?

00:06:51.065 --> 00:06:51.715
"Naturally."

00:06:51.715 --> 00:06:52.501
That's it.

00:06:52.501 --> 00:06:53.098
Same as you!

00:06:53.098 --> 00:06:53.733
Pay attention.

00:06:53.733 --> 00:06:54.648
I throw the ball. To "Naturally."

00:06:54.648 --> 00:06:55.616
You don't. You throw it
to "Who."

00:06:55.616 --> 00:06:56.349
Now who has got it?

00:06:56.349 --> 00:06:57.226
[Both] Naturally.

00:06:57.226 --> 00:06:57.875
That's what I said!

00:06:57.875 --> 00:06:58.848
All right.

00:06:58.848 --> 00:07:00.254
Whoever it is, better get it!

00:07:00.254 --> 00:07:01.330
He'll get it.

00:07:01.330 --> 00:07:02.914
Don't worry about "Who."
"Who" will get it.

00:07:02.914 --> 00:07:04.213
He better get it.

00:07:04.213 --> 00:07:05.365
Now, I throw the ball to who.

00:07:05.365 --> 00:07:07.064
Whoever it is, drops the ball.
The guy runs to second.

00:07:07.064 --> 00:07:08.664
Who picks up the ball, and 
throws to what.

00:07:08.664 --> 00:07:09.749
What throws the ball to I don't know.

00:07:09.749 --> 00:07:10.965
I don't know throws back to tomorrow.

00:07:10.965 --> 00:07:11.948
Triple play.

00:07:11.948 --> 00:07:12.599
Could be.

00:07:12.599 --> 00:07:13.762
Another guy gets up,

00:07:13.762 --> 00:07:15.757
and it's a long, fly ball to because.

00:07:15.757 --> 00:07:16.775
Why?

00:07:16.775 --> 00:07:20.535
I don't know. He's on third. 
And I don't give a darn!

00:07:20.535 --> 00:07:21.478
What?

00:07:21.478 --> 00:07:23.266
I said "I don't give a darn!"

00:07:23.266 --> 00:07:25.231
Ohhhh! That's our shortstop.

00:07:25.241 --> 00:07:26.485
[Splutters]

00:07:26.485 --> 00:07:29.066
[Laughter. Applause]

00:07:29.066 --> 00:07:37.249
[Circus music]