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WHO'S ON FIRST? (The Definitive Version) - Abbott and Costello

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    [Circus music]
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    [Applause]
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    We are organizing a baseball team
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    here at the Retired Actors' Home.
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    I am the manager. Now...
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    You're going to be the manager
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    of the Retired Actors'
    baseball team?
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    Yes.
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    I would like to join
    the Retired Actors' baseball team.
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    Oh, you would?
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    I would like to know
    some of the guys' names
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    on the team, so if I want to
    play with them, I know them.
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    If I meet them on the street,
    I can say "Hello" to them.
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    Oh. Sure.
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    But you know, they give baseball
    players nowadays,
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    very peculiar names.
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    Oh? A lot of funny names.
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    You know, like "Stinky Fields."
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    "Goofy Dan."
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    "Boobie Barber."
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    [Laughs]
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    On our team, we have:
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    "Who" is on first,
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    "What" is on second,
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    "I don't know" is on third.
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    That's what I want to find out.
    The guys' names.
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    Huh?
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    That's what I want to find out.
    The guys' names.
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    I'm telling you.
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    "Who" is on first, "What" is on second,
    "I don't know" is on third.
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    Abbott, you gonna be the manager
    of the baseball team?
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    Yes.
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    You know the guys' names?
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    Why, sure.
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    Well, you tell me the guys' names
    on the baseball team.
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    I say: "Who" is on first,
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    "What" is on second,
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    "I don't know" is on third.
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    You ain't said nothing to me yet.
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    Go ahead and tell me.
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    I'm telling him. Look.
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    Tell me.
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    "Who" Is on first,
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    "What" is on second.
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    "I don't know" is on third.
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    You know the guys' names
    on the baseball team?
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    Yes.
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    Go ahead. Who's on first?
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    Yes.
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    I mean, the guy's name.
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    "Who."
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    The guy playing first.
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    "Who."
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    The guy playing first base.
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    "Who!"
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    The guy on first base.
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    "Who" is on first.
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    What are you asking me for?!
    I don't know!
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    Wait, I'm not...
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    I'm asking YOU who is on first.
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    That is his name.
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    Go ahead and tell me.
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    "Who."
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    The guy on first.
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    That's it.
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    That's his name!
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    You ain't said nothing.
    I ain't asked you nothing.
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    Yes you did.
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    You know the guy's name
    on first base?
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    Sure.
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    Tell me the guy's name
    on first base.
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    "Who."
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    The guy playing first base.
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    "Who" is on first, Lou.
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    What are ya asking me for?!
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    Now, don't get excited.
    I'm saying "Who..."
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    I'm asking you a simple question:
    Who is on first?
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    Yes.
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    Well go ahead and tell me.
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    That's it.
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    That's who?
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    Yes.
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    I'm asking you. What is the guy's name
    on first base?
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    No, "What" is on second.
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    I'm not asking you who is on second.
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    "Who" is on first.
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    One base at a time, now!
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    Don't mix up my players.
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    I'm not mixing up anybody.
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    Now, what's the guy's name
    on first base?
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    No, "What" is on second.
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    I'm not asking you who
    is on second!
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    "Who" is on first.
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    I don't know.
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    He is on third.
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    [Laughter]
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    Wait a minute. Whoa.
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    Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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    How did I get on third base?
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    You mentioned his name.
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    I mentioned his name?
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    Yes.
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    I don't know anybody's name
    on the team.
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    How could I mention
    the guy's name?
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    You did. You just mentioned it.
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    All right. What is the guy's name
    on third base?
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    No. "What" is on second.
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    Who is on second?
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    "Who" is on first.
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    I don't know.
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    He's on third.
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    I didn't even mention
    the guy's name on third base!
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    Yes you did, Lou.
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    All right. Then, who is playing
    third base?
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    No, "Who" is on first.
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    I'm not asking you
    what is on first.
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    "What" is on second.
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    Who is on second?
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    "Who" is on first.
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    I don't know.
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    [Both] Third base.
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    I don't know anybody
    on the baseball team.
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    You do.
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    You mentioned their names.
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    I do?
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    Sure.
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    You got an outfield?
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    Naturally.
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    The left fielder's name?
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    "Why."
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    [Laughter]
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    I just thought I'd ask.
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    I thought I'd tell you.
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    Go ahead. Tell me.
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    Tell you what?
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    The left fielder's name.
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    "Why."
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    Because I want to know!
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    Because!
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    Oh, he's center field.
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    You know these players.
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    Who is in center field?
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    No, "Who" is on first.
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    What's on first?
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    "What" is on second.
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    I don't know.
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    [Both] Third base.
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    Do you know the guys' names
    on the team?
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    You don't seem to understand.
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    See, I have a first baseman...
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    I know. I asked what's
    the first baseman's name?
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    No. "What" is the
    second baseman's name.
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    I asked you: What is the
    first baseman's name?
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    "What" is the second
    baseman's name.
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    I don't even get...
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    All right. Who is on second?
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    "Who" is on first.
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    What base do you want
    to talk about?!
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    You talk about any one
    you want.
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    All right. Now. Who is on first.
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    Right.
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    Okay. [Splutters]
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    Now...stop that.
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    All right. You got a first baseman.
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    Yes.
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    When you pay the first baseman
    every month,
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    who gets the money?
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    Every dollar of it.
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    Who gets it?
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    Every dollar of it.
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    Who gets it?
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    He does.
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    Sometimes, his wife comes down,
    and collects it.
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    Whose wife?
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    Yes.
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    [Laughter]
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    Why not, Lou? He's earned it.
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    Who did?
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    Yes.
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    [Laughter]
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    When you pay the first baseman
    every month,
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    you get a receipt from the guy?
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    Sure.
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    How does he sign his name?
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    "Who."
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    The guy you give the money to.
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    "Who."
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    The guy you give the money to.
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    Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.
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    That's how who signs it?
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    Yes.
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    Go on and tell me.
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    That's it.
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    Who?
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    Right.
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    Look: You go to the first baseman.
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    Yes.
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    You tell him: "Here is your money.
    Sign the receipt."
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    How does he sign his name?
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    "Who."
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    The guy you give the money to.
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    That's how he signs it.
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    That's how who signs it?
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    Yes.
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    Sure.
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    He... [Splutters]
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    You gotta get a receipt, don't you?
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    I get one, Lou.
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    How does the guy on first base
    sign his name?
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    "WHO."
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    The guy on first.
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    That's how he signs it.
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    I'm asking you: What's the
    guy's name you give the money to?
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    No, wait. "What" signs his own.
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    Who signs his own?
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    No, "Who" signs his.
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    [Laughter]
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    What's the guy's name on first...
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    "What" is on second base.
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    I'm not asking you who is on second.
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    "Who" is on first.
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    I don't know.
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    [Both] Third base.
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    [Laughter]
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    The left fielder's name,
    the center fielder...
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    You got a pitcher on the team?
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    It would be a fine team
    without a pitcher.
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    It's a fine team anyway.
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    The pitcher's name?
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    "Tomorrow."
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    Eh.
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    I can't change their names!
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    You don't want to tell me the name?
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    I'm telling you.
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    Go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name.
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    "Tomorrow."
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    Why not tell me today?!
    I don't want to wait til tomorrow!
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    I'm telling you now.
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    Tell me the pitcher's name.
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    "Tomorrow!"
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    All right. What time tomorrow
    will you tell me the pitcher's name?
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    What time, what?
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    What time tomorrow will you
    tell me who is pitching?
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    "Who" is not pitching.
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    I'll break your arm!
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    I want to know what
    is the pitcher's name.
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    "What" is on second.
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    I don't know.
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    Third base! Third base!
    Third base.
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    You got a catcher?
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    Certainly, you have a catcher
    on a baseball team.
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    Catcher's name?
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    "Today."
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    Today. Tomorrow is pitching.
    Today is catching.
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    Now you've got it!
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    Now I got it?
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    All I got: We got a couple of
    days on the team.
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    I can't help that, Lou.
    I don't name them.
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    I'm a pretty good catcher, myself.
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    So they tell me.
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    When I get behind the plate,
    I'm going to do some catching.
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    Tomorrow is pitching
    on my team, right?
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    Yeah.
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    Now Tomorrow, he winds up
    the ball.
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    I'm behind the plate,
    and a heavy hitter gets up.
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    Now the heavy hitter
    is ready to hit the ball.
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    Tomorrow is going to
    throw the ball,
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    and I'm the catcher.
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    Tomorrow throws,
    the guy bunts the ball.
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    Now, when he bunts the ball,
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    me, being a good catcher,
    I'm going to throw the guy out
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    on first base.
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    So, I pick up the ball,
    and throw it to who?
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    Now, that's the first thing
    you've said right.
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    I don't even know
    what I'm talking about!
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    Well, that's all you have to do!
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    Is throw the ball to first base...
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    Who has got it?
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    Naturally!
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    Sure. [Splutters]
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    The guy is running to first base,
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    and I want to throw the guy out.
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    So?
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    So I throw the ball to who?
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    Naturally.
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    Throw it to who?
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    Naturally.
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    And who has got it?
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    Naturally.
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    Huh.
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    So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to
    "Naturally."
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    No, no! Wait.
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    You throw the ball to first base.
    Then "Who" gets it.
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    Naturally.
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    That's right.
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    I pick up the ball.
    So I throw it to "Naturally."
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    No!
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    I throw it to who?
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    Naturally.
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    That's what I'm saying!!
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    You're not saying that.
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    I said throw the ball to who?
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    Naturally.
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    You ask me.
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    Throw the ball to who?
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    "Naturally."
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    That's it.
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    Same as you!
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    Pay attention.
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    I throw the ball. To "Naturally."
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    You don't. You throw it
    to "Who."
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    Now who has got it?
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    [Both] Naturally.
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    That's what I said!
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    All right.
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    Whoever it is, better get it!
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    He'll get it.
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    Don't worry about "Who."
    "Who" will get it.
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    He better get it.
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    Now, I throw the ball to who.
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    Whoever it is, drops the ball.
    The guy runs to second.
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    Who picks up the ball, and
    throws to what.
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    What throws the ball to I don't know.
  • 7:10 - 7:11
    I don't know throws back to tomorrow.
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    Triple play.
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    Could be.
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    Another guy gets up,
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    and it's a long, fly ball to because.
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    Why?
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    I don't know. He's on third.
    And I don't give a darn!
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    What?
  • 7:21 - 7:23
    I said "I don't give a darn!"
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    Ohhhh! That's our shortstop.
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    [Splutters]
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    [Laughter. Applause]
  • 7:29 - 7:37
    [Circus music]
Title:
WHO'S ON FIRST? (The Definitive Version) - Abbott and Costello
Description:
more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
Captions Requested
Duration:
07:55

English subtitles

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