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[Circus music]
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[Applause]
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We are organizing a baseball team
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here at the Retired Actors' Home.
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I am the manager. Now...
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You're going to be the manager
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of the Retired Actors'
baseball team?
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Yes.
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I would like to join
the Retired Actors' baseball team.
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Oh, you would?
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I would like to know
some of the guys' names
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on the team, so if I want to
play with them, I know them.
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If I meet them on the street,
I can say "Hello" to them.
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Oh. Sure.
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But you know, they give baseball
players nowadays,
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very peculiar names.
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Oh? A lot of funny names.
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You know, like "Stinky Fields."
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"Goofy Dan."
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"Boobie Barber."
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[Laughs]
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On our team, we have:
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"Who" is on first,
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"What" is on second,
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"I don't know" is on third.
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That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.
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Huh?
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That's what I want to find out.
The guys' names.
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I'm telling you.
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"Who" is on first, "What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.
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Abbott, you gonna be the manager
of the baseball team?
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Yes.
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You know the guys' names?
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Why, sure.
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Well, you tell me the guys' names
on the baseball team.
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I say: "Who" is on first,
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"What" is on second,
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"I don't know" is on third.
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You ain't said nothing to me yet.
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Go ahead and tell me.
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I'm telling him. Look.
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Tell me.
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"Who" Is on first,
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"What" is on second.
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"I don't know" is on third.
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You know the guys' names
on the baseball team?
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Yes.
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Go ahead. Who's on first?
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Yes.
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I mean, the guy's name.
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"Who."
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The guy playing first.
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"Who."
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The guy playing first base.
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"Who!"
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The guy on first base.
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"Who" is on first.
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What are you asking me for?!
I don't know!
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Wait, I'm not...
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I'm asking YOU who is on first.
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That is his name.
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Go ahead and tell me.
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"Who."
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The guy on first.
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That's it.
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That's his name!
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You ain't said nothing.
I ain't asked you nothing.
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Yes you did.
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You know the guy's name
on first base?
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Sure.
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Tell me the guy's name
on first base.
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"Who."
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The guy playing first base.
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"Who" is on first, Lou.
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What are ya asking me for?!
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Now, don't get excited.
I'm saying "Who..."
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I'm asking you a simple question:
Who is on first?
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Yes.
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Well go ahead and tell me.
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That's it.
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That's who?
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Yes.
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I'm asking you. What is the guy's name
on first base?
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No, "What" is on second.
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I'm not asking you who is on second.
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"Who" is on first.
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One base at a time, now!
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Don't mix up my players.
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I'm not mixing up anybody.
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Now, what's the guy's name
on first base?
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No, "What" is on second.
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I'm not asking you who
is on second!
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"Who" is on first.
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I don't know.
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He is on third.
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Wait a minute. Whoa.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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How did I get on third base?
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You mentioned his name.
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I mentioned his name?
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Yes.
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I don't know anybody's name
on the team.
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How could I mention
the guy's name?
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You did. You just mentioned it.
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All right. What is the guy's name
on third base?
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No. "What" is on second.
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Who is on second?
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"Who" is in first.
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I don't know.
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He's on third.
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I didn't even mention
the guy's name on third base!
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Yes you did, Lou.
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All right. Then, who is playing
third base?
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No, "Who" is on first.
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I'm not asking you
what is on first.
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"What" is on second.
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Who is on second?
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"Who" is on first.
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I don't know.
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[Both] Third base.
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I don't know anybody
on the baseball team.
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You do.
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You mentioned their names.
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I do?
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Sure.
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You got an outfield?
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Naturally.
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The left fielder's name?
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"Why."
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[Laughter]
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I just thought I'd ask.
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I thought I'd tell you.
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Go ahead. Tell me.
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Tell you what?
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The left fielder's name.
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"Why."
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Because I want to know!
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Because!
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Oh, he's center field.
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You know these players.
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Who is in center field?
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No, "Who" is on first.
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What's on first?
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"What" is on second.
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I don't know.
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[Both] Third base.
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Do you know the guys' names
on the team?
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You don't seem to understand.
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See, I have a first baseman...
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I know. I asked what's
the first baseman's name?
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No. "What" is the
second baseman's name.
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I asked you: What is the
first baseman's name?
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"What" is the second
baseman's name.
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I don't even get past
the first...
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All right. Who is on second?
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"Who" is on first.
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What base do you want
to talk about?!
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You talk about any one
you want.
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All right. Now. Who is on first.
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Right.
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Okay. [Splutters]
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Now...stop that.
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All right. You got a first baseman.
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Yes.
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When you pay the first baseman
every month,
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who gets the money?
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Every dollar of it.
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Who gets it?
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He does.
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Sometimes, his wife comes down,
and collects it.
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Whose wife?
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Yes.
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Why not, Lou? He's earned it.
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Who did?
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Yes.
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When you pay the first baseman
every month,
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you get a receipt from the guy?
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Sure.
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How does he sign his name?
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"Who."
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The guy you give the money to.
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"Who."
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The guy you give the money to.
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Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.
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That's how who signs it?
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Yes.
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Go on and tell me.
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That's it.
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Who?
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Right.
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Look: You go to the first baseman.
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Yes.
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You tell him: "Here is your money.
Sign the receipt."
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How does he sign his name?
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"Who."
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The guy you give the money to.
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That's how he signs it.
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That's how who signs it?
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Yes.
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Sure.
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He... [Splutters]
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You gotta get a receipt, don't you?
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I get one, Lou.
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How does the guy on first base
sign his name?
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"WHO."
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The guy on first.
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That's how he signs it.
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I'm asking you: What's the
guy's name you give the money to?
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No, wait. "What" signs his own.
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Who signs his own?
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No, "Who" signs his.
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What's the guy's name on first...
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"What" is on second base.
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I'm not asking you who is on second.
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"Who" is on first.
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I don't know.
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[Both] Third base.
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[Laughter]
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The left fielder's name,
the center fielder...
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You got a pitcher on the team?
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It would be a fine team
without a pitcher.
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It's a fine team anyway.
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The pitcher's name?
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"Tomorrow."
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Eh.
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I can't change their names!
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You don't want to tell me the name?
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I'm telling you.
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Go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name.
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"Tomorrow."
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Why not tell me today?!
I don't want to wait til tomorrow!
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I'm telling you now.
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Tell me the pitcher's name.
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"Tomorrow!"
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All right. What time tomorrow
will you tell me the pitcher's name?
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What time, what?
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What time tomorrow will you
tell me who is pitching?
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"Who" is not pitching.
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I'll break your arm!
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I want to know what
is the pitcher's name.
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"What" is on second.
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I don't know.
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Third base! Third base!
Third base.
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You got a catcher?
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Certainly, you have a catcher
on a baseball team.
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Catcher's name?
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"Today."
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Today. Tomorrow is pitching.
Today is catching.
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Now you've got it!
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Now I got it?
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All I got: We got a couple of
days on the team.
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I can't help that, Lou.
I don't name them.
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I'm a pretty good catcher, myself.
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So they tell me.
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When I get behind the plate,
I'm going to do some catching.
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Tomorrow is pitching
on my team, right?
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Yeah.
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Now Tomorrow, he winds up
the ball.
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I'm behind the plate,
and a heavy hitter gets up.
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Now the heavy hitter
is ready to hit the ball,
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Tomorrow is going to
throw the ball,
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and I'm the catcher.
Captions Requested
