Inside the mind of a former radical jihadist

Today I stand before as a man
who lives life to the full

in the here and now.

But for a long time,

I lived for death.

I was a young man who believed

that Jihad is to understood
in the language for force and violence.

I tried to right wrongs
through power and aggression.

I had deep concerns
for the suffering of others

and a strong desire to help
and bring relief to them.

I thought violent Jihad was noble,

chivalrous

and the best way to help.

At a time when so many of our people --

young people especially --

are at risk of radicalization,

through groups like Al-Qaeda,

Islamic State

and others,

when these groups are claiming

that their horrific brutality
and violence are true Jihad,

I want to say that their idea
of Jihad is wrong --

completely wrong --

as was mine then.

Jihad means to strive to one's utmost.

It includes exertion and spirituality,

self-purification

and devotion.

It refers to positive transformation

through learning, wisdom
and remembrance of God.

The word Jihad stands for all
those meaning as a whole.

Jihad may at times take
the form of fighting,

but only sometimes,

under strict conditions,

within rules and limits.

In Islam,

the benefit of an act must outweigh
the harm or hardship it entails.

More importantly,

the verses in the Koran that are
connected to Jihad on fighting,

do not cancel out the verses
that talk about forgiveness,

benevolence,

or patience.

But now I believe that there are no
circumstances on Earth

where a violent Jihad is permissible,

because it will lead to greater harm.

But now the idea of Jihad
has been hijacked.

It has been perverted
to mean violent struggle

wherever Muslims
are undergoing difficulties,

and turned into terrorism

by fascistic Islamists like Al-Qaeda,

Islamic State

and others.

But I have come to understand

that true Jihad means
striving to the utmost,

to strengthen and live
those qualities which God loves:

honesty,

trust worthiness,

compassion,

benevolence,

reliability,

respect,

truthfulness --

human values that so many of us share.

I was born in Bangladesh,

but grew up mostly in England.

And I went to school here.

My father was an academic,

and we were in the UK through his work.

In 1971 we were in Bangladesh
when everything changed.

The War of Independence
impacted upon us terribly,

pitting family against family;

neighbor against neighbor.

And at the age of 12 I experience war,

destitution in my family,

the deaths of 22 of my
relatives in horrible ways,

as well as the murder of my older brother.

I witnessed killing;

animals feeding on corpses in the street;

starvation all around me;

wanton, horrific violence --

senseless violence.

I was a young man --

teenager --

fascinated by ideas.

I wanted to learn,

but I could not go to school
for four years.

After the War of Independence,

my father was put in prison
for two-and-a-half years,

and I used to visit him
every week in prison,

and homeschooled myself.

My father was released in 1973

and he fled to England as a refugee,

and we soon followed him.

I was 17.

So these experiences gave me

a sharp awareness of the atrocities
and injustices in the world.

And I had a strong desire --

a very keen, deep desire --

to right wrongs

and help the victims of oppression.

While studying at college in the UK,

I met others who showed me
how I could channel that desire

and help through my religion.

And I was radicalized --

enough to consider violence correct,

even a virtue under certain circumstances.

So I became involved
in the Jihad in Afghanistan.

I wanted to protect the Muslim [av gone]
population against the Soviet army.

And I thought that was Jihad:

my sacred duty,

which would be rewarded by God.

I became a preacher.

I was one of the pioneers
of violent Jihad in the UK.

I recruited,

I raised funds,

I trained.

I confused true Jihad with this perversion
as presented by the fascist Islamists --

these people who use the idea of Jihad

to justify their lust for power,
authority and control on us.

A perversion perpetuated today
by fascist Islamic groups

like Al-Qaeda, Islamic State and others.

For a period of around 15 years,

I fought for short periods of time
in Kasmir and Burma,

besides Afghanistan.

Our aim was to remove the invaders;

to bring relief to the oppressed victims,

and of course to establish
an Islamic State,

a [califate] for God's rule.

And I did this openly.

I didn't break any laws.

I was proud and grateful to be British --

I still am.

And I bore no hostility
against this, my country,

nor enmity towards
the non-Muslim citizens,

and I still don't.

During one batter in Afghanistan,

some British men and I
formed a special bond

with a 15-year-old Afghani boy,

Abdullah.

An innocent, loving and lovable kid

who was always eager to please.

He was poor.

And boys like him did
menial tasks in the camp.

And he seemed happy enough,

but I couldn't help wonder,

his parents must have missed him dearly.

And they must have dreamt
about a better future for him.

A victim of circumstance
caught up in a war,

cruelly thrust upon him

by the cruel circumstances of the time.

One day I picked up this unexploded
mortar shell in a trench,

and I had it deposited
in a makeshift mud hut lab.

And I went out on a short,
pointless skirmish --

always pointless --

and I came back a few hours later

to discover he was dead.

He had tried to recover
explosives from that shell.

It exploded and he died a violent death,

blown to bit by the very same device
that had proved harmless to me.

So I started to question.

How did his death serve any purpose?

Why did he die and I lived?

I carried on.

I fought in Kashmir.

I also recruited from the Philipines,

Bosnia and Chechnya.

And the questions grew.

Later in Burma,

I came across [Rohinga] fighters,

who are barely teenagers,

born and brought up in the jungle,

carrying machine guns
and grenade launches.

I met two 13-year-olds with soft
manners and gentle voices,

looking at me they begged me
to take them away to England.

They simply wanted to go to school.

That was their dream.

My family --

my children were the same age --

were living at home in the UK,

going to school,

living a safe life.

And I couldn't help wonder

how much these young boys must
have spoken to one another

about their dreams for such a life.

Victims of circumstances.

These two young boys,

sleeping rough on the ground,

looking up at the stars,

cynically exploited by their leaders

for their personal lust
for glory and power.

I soon witnessed boys like them
killing one another

in conflicts between rival groups.

And it was the same everywhere:

Afghanistan, Kashmir, Burma,

Philipines, Chechnya;

petty warlords got the young
and vulnerable to kill one another

in the name of Jihad.

Muslims against Muslims.

Not protecting anyone against
invaders or occupiers,

not bringing relief to the oppressed.

Children being used,

cynically exploited,

people dying in conflicts which
I was supporting in the name of Jihad.

And it still carries on today.

Realizing that the violent Jihad
I had engaged in abroad

was so different,

such a chasm between
what I had experienced

and what I thought was sacred duty,

I had to reflect on my
activities here in the UK.

I had to consider my preaching,

recruiting,

fundraising,

training,

but most importantly, radicalizing --

sending young people to fight and die

as I was doing all totally wrong.

So I got involved in violent
Jihad in the mid-'80s,

starting with Afghanistan.

And by the time I finished
it was the year 2000.

I was completely immersed in it.

All around me people supported,

applauded,

even celebrated what
we were doing in their name.

But by the time I learned to get out,

completely disillusioned in the year 2000,

15 years had passed.

So what goes wrong?

We were so busy talking about virtue,

and we were blinded by a cause.

And we did not give ourselves a chance
to develop a virtuous character.

We told ourselves we were
fighting for the oppressed,

but these were un-winable wars.

We became the very instrument
through which more deaths occurred,

complicit in causing further misery

for the selfish benefit of the cruel few.

So over time --

a very long time --

I opened my eyes.

I began to dare to face the truth,

to think,

to face the hard questions.

I got in touch with my soul.

What have I learned?

That people who engage
in violent Jihadism,

that people who are drawn
to these types of extremisms,

are not that different to everyone else.

But I believe such people can change.

They can regain their hearts
and restore them

by filling them with human
values that heal.

When we ignore the realities,

we discover that accept what we
are told without critical reflection.

I will ignore the gifts and advantages
that many of us would cherish

even for a single moment in their lives.

I engaged in actions
I thought were correct.

But now I began to question
how I knew what I knew.

I endlessly told others
to accept the truth,

but I failed to give
doubt its rightful place.

This conviction that people can change
is rooted in my experience,

my own journey.

Through wide reading,

reflecting,

contemplation,

self-knowledge,

I discovered --

I realized that Islamists' world
of us and them is false and unjust.

Through considering the uncertainties
in all that we had asserted,

to the inviolable truths --

incontestable truths --

I developed a more nuanced understanding.

I realized that in a world crowded
with variation and contradiction,

foolish preachers --

only foolish preachers
like I used to be --

see no paradox in the myths and fictions
they use to assert authenticity.

So I understood the vital
importance of self-knowledge,

politcal awareness

and the necessity for a deep and wide
understanding of our committments

and our actions,

how the effect others.

So my plea today to everyone,

especially those who sincerely
believe in Islamist Jihadism,

refuse dogmatic authority;

let go of anger, hatred and violence;

learn to right wrongs

without even attempting to justify cruel,
unjust and futile behavior.

Instead create a few
beautiful and useful things

that outlive us.

Approach the world --

life --

with love.

[In all,] learn to develop,

or cultivate your hearts,

to see goodness, beauty and truth
in others and in the world.

That way, we do matter more to ourselves;

to each other;

to our communities,

and for me,

to God.

This is Jihad --

my true Jihad.

Thank you.