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Today I stand before you
as a man who lives life to the full
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in the here and now.
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But for a long time,
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I lived for death.
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I was a young man who believed
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that jihad is to be understood
in the language of force and violence.
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I tried to right wrongs
through power and aggression.
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I had deep concerns
for the suffering of others
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and a strong desire
to help and bring relief to them.
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I thought violent jihad was noble,
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chivalrous
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and the best way to help.
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At a time when so many of our people --
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young people especially --
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are at risk of radicalization
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through groups like al-Qaeda,
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Islamic State and others,
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when these groups are claiming
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that their horrific brutality
and violence are true jihad,
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I want to say that their idea
of jihad is wrong --
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completely wrong --
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as was mine, then.
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Jihad means to strive to one's utmost.
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It includes exertion and spirituality,
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self-purification
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and devotion.
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It refers to positive transformation
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through learning, wisdom
and remembrance of God.
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The word jihad stands
for all those meanings as a whole.
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Jihad may at times
take the form of fighting,
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but only sometimes,
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under strict conditions,
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within rules and limits.
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In Islam,
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the benefit of an act must outweigh
the harm or hardship it entails.
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More importantly,
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the verses in the Koran
that are connected to jihad or fighting,
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do not cancel out the verses
that talk about forgiveness,
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benevolence,
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or patience.
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But now I believe that there are
no circumstances on Earth
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where a violent jihad is permissible,
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because it will lead to greater harm.
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But now the idea of jihad
has been hijacked.
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It has been perverted
to mean violent struggle
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wherever Muslims
are undergoing difficulties,
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and turned into terrorism
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by fascistic Islamists like al-Qaeda,
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Islamic State and others.
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But I have come to understand
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that true jihad
means striving to the utmost
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to strengthen and live
those qualities which God loves:
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honesty, trustworthiness,
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compassion, benevolence,
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reliability, respect,
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truthfulness --
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human values that so many of us share.
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I was born in Bangladesh,
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but grew up mostly in England.
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And I went to school here.
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My father was an academic,
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and we were in the UK through his work.
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In 1971 we were in Bangladesh
when everything changed.
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The War of Independence
impacted upon us terribly,
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pitting family against family,
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neighbor against neighbor.
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And at the age of 12 I experienced war,
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destitution in my family,
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the deaths of 22
of my relatives in horrible ways,
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as well as the murder of my elder brother.
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I witnessed killing ...
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Animals feeding on corpses in the streets,
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starvation all around me;
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wanton, horrific violence --
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senseless violence.
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I was a young man --
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teenager -- fascinated by ideas.
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I wanted to learn,
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but I could not go to school
for four years.
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After the War of Independence,
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my father was put in prison
for two and a half years,
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and I used to visit him
every week in prison,
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and homeschooled myself.
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My father was released in 1973
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and he fled to England as a refugee,
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and we soon followed him.
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I was 17.
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So these experiences gave me
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a sharp awareness of the atrocities
and injustices in the world.
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And I had a strong desire --
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a very keen, deep desire --
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to right wrongs
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and help the victims of oppression.
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While studying at college in the UK,
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I met others who showed me
how I could channel that desire
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and help through my religion.
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And I was radicalized --
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enough to consider violence correct,
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even a virtue under certain circumstances.
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So I became involved
in the jihad in Afghanistan.
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I wanted to protect the Muslim Afghan
population against the Soviet army.
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And I thought that was jihad:
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my sacred duty,
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which would be rewarded by God.
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I became a preacher.
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I was one of the pioneers
of violent jihad in the UK.
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I recruited,
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I raised funds, I trained.
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I confused true jihad
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with this perversion
as presented by the fascist Islamists --
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these people who use the idea of jihad
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to justify their lust for power,
authority and control on us.
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A perversion perpetuated today
by fascist Islamist groups
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like al-Qaeda, Islamic State and others.
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For a period of around 15 years,
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I fought for short periods of time
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in Kashmir and Burma,
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besides Afghanistan.
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Our aim was to remove the invaders,
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to bring relief to the oppressed victims
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and of course to establish
an Islamic state;
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a caliphate for God's rule.
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And I did this openly.
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I didn't break any laws.
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I was proud and grateful to be British --
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I still am.
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And I bore no hostility
against this, my country,
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nor enmity towards
the non-Muslim citizens,
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and I still don't.
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During one battle in Afghanistan,
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some British men and I
formed a special bond
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with a 15-year-old Afghani boy,
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Abdullah,
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an innocent, loving and lovable kid
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who was always eager to please.
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He was poor.
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And boys like him
did menial tasks in the camp.
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And he seemed happy enough,
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but I couldn't help wonder --
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his parents must have missed him dearly.
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And they must have dreamt
about a better future for him.
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A victim of circumstance
caught up in a war,
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cruelly thrust upon him
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by the cruel circumstances of the time.
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One day I picked up this unexploded
mortar shell in a trench,
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and I had it deposited
in a makeshift mud hut lab.
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And I went out on a short,
pointless skirmish --
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always pointless --
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and I came back a few hours later
to discover he was dead.
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He had tried to recover
explosives from that shell.
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It exploded and he died a violent death,
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blown to bits by the very same device
that had proved harmless to me.
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So I started to question.
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How did his death serve any purpose?
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Why did he die and I lived?
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I carried on.
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I fought in Kashmir.
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I also recruited for the Philippines,
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Bosnia and Chechnya.
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And the questions grew.
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Later in Burma,
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I came across Rohingya fighters,
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who were barely teenagers,
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born and brought up in the jungle,
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carrying machine guns
and grenade launches.
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I met two 13-year-olds
with soft manners and gentle voices.
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Looking at me,
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they begged me
to take them away to England.
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They simply wanted to go to school --
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that was their dream.
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My family --
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my children of the same age --
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were living at home in the UK,
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going to school,
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living a safe life.
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And I couldn't help wonder
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how much these young boys
must have spoken to one another
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about their dreams for such a life.
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Victims of circumstances.
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These two young boys --
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sleeping rough on the ground,
looking up at the stars --
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cynically exploited by their leaders
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for their personal lust
for glory and power.
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I soon witnessed boys like them
killing one another
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in conflicts between rival groups.
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And it was the same everywhere ...
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Afghanistan, Kashmir, Burma,
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Philippines, Chechnya;
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petty warlords got the young
and vulnerable to kill one another
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in the name of jihad.
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Muslims against Muslims.
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Not protecting anyone
against invaders or occupiers;
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not bringing relief to the oppressed.
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Children being used --
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cynically exploited;
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people dying in conflicts
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which I was supporting
in the name of jihad.
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And it still carries on today.
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Realizing that the violent jihad
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I had engaged in abroad
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was so different --
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such a chasm between
what I had experienced
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and what I thought was sacred duty --
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I had to reflect
on my activities here in the UK.
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I had to consider my preaching,
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recruiting, fund-raising,
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training,
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but most importantly, radicalizing --
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sending young people to fight and die
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as I was doing --
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all totally wrong.
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So I got involved
in violent jihad in the mid '80s,
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starting with Afghanistan.
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And by the time I finished
it was in the year 2000.
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I was completely immersed in it.
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All around me people supported,
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applauded,
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even celebrated what
we were doing in their name.
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But by the time I learned to get out,
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completely disillusioned in the year 2000,
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15 years had passed.
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So what goes wrong?
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We were so busy talking about virtue,
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and we were blinded by a cause.
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And we did not give ourselves a chance
to develop a virtuous character.
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We told ourselves
we were fighting for the oppressed,
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but these were unwinnable wars.
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We became the very instrument
through which more deaths occurred,
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complicit in causing further misery
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for the selfish benefit of the cruel few.
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So over time --
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a very long time --
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I opened my eyes.
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I began to dare
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to face the truth,
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to think,
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to face the hard questions.
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I got in touch with my soul.
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What have I learned?
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That people who engage
in violent jihadism,
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that people who are drawn
to these types of extremisms,
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are not that different to everyone else.
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But I believe such people can change.
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They can regain their hearts
and restore them
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by filling them
with human values that heal.
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When we ignore the realities,
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we discover that we accept what
we are told without critical reflection.
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I will ignore the gifts and advantages
that many of us would cherish
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even for a single moment in their lives.
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I engaged in actions
I thought were correct.
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But now I began to question
how I knew what I knew.
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I endlessly told others
to accept the truth,
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but I failed to give doubt
its rightful place.
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This conviction that people can change
is rooted in my experience,
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my own journey.
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Through wide reading,
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reflecting,
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contemplation, self-knowledge,
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I discovered --
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I realized that Islamists' world
of us and them is false and unjust.
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Through considering the uncertainties
in all that we had asserted,
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to the inviolable truths --
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incontestable truths --
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I developed a more nuanced understanding.
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I realized that in a world crowded
with variation and contradiction,
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foolish preachers --
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only foolish preachers
like I used to be --
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see no paradox in the myths and fictions
they use to assert authenticity.
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So I understood the vital
importance of self-knowledge,
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political awareness
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and the necessity
for a deep and wide understanding
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of our commitments and our actions,
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how they effect others.
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So my plea today to everyone,
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especially those who sincerely
believe in Islamist jihadism ...
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refuse dogmatic authority;
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let go of anger, hatred and violence;
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learn to right wrongs
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without even attempting to justify
cruel, unjust and futile behavior.
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Instead create a few
beautiful and useful things
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that outlive us.
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Approach the world, life
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with love.
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Learn to develop,
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or cultivate your hearts
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to see goodness, beauty and truth
in others and in the world.
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That way we do matter
more to ourselves ...
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to each other,
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to our communities;
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and for me, to God.
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This is jihad --
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my true jihad.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)