Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries) - Teal Swan

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Boundaries are guidelines for how someone relates the self to the rest of the world. They are rules of conduct built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and what is right for them personally or wrong for them personally. Defining these things helps us to know how we will and wont allow ourselves to be treated by others.
The biggest issue isn't that other people violate our boundaries, it's that we violate our own boundaries. By letting someone violate our boundaries, we violate our own boundaries. This is self-betrayal. Your boundaries are defined by your feelings. Your feelings will always tell you whether a boundary of yours has been violated, no matter what kind of boundary it is. In this episode, Teal explains how boundaries are not a contradiction to oneness and teaches us how to develop healthy boundaries.

Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel - used by permissionhttp://www.sacreddream.com

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Personal Boundaries vs Oneness

Hello everyone.

Today, I've decided
to answer a question

that I've been getting
again and again

for the last 2 years.

The question is about boundaries.

What are boundaries?

How do I set healthy boundaries?

And most especially how do I
rectify the idea of boundaries

with the idea that we live
in a Universe that is all one.

We exist in a third-dimensional
physical reality

and thus we perceive a self.

This gives rise to the perception
of a boundary

i.e. a separation between ourselves
and that which we see as other.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines

for how someone relates the
self to the rest of the world.

They are rules of conduct

built out of a mix
of beliefs, opinions,

attitudes, past experiences,
and social learning.

Personal boundaries operate
in two directions

affecting both incoming and
outgoing interactions between people.

Boundaries help to define an individual
by outlining likes and dislikes

what is right for a person personally
or wrong for them personally.

Defining these things
helps us to know

how we will and won't allow ourselves
to be treated by others.

Here are some signs that you might
have unhealthy boundaries.

Saying "no" when you mean "yes".
Or "yes" when you mean "no".

Feeling guilty when you say "no"

acting against your integrity or values
in order to please others.

Not speaking up when you have
something to say.

Adopting another person's beliefs
or ideas so you are accepted.

Not calling out someone who
has mistreated you

accepting physical touch or sex
when you don't want it.

Allowing yourself to be interrupted or
distracted to accommodate someone else.

or their immediate
wants and needs.

Giving too much just to
be perceived as useful.

Becoming overly involved in someone's
problems or difficulties.

Not defining and communicating your
emotional needs in relationships.

But it's important to understand
that the biggest problem

is not that other people violate
our boundaries

it's that we violate
our own boundaries.

When you let someone
violate your boundaries,

you are violating
your own boundaries.

You are not staying true to
what feels good to you.

This is self-betrayal.

If you go against your
personal boundaries

you violate yourself,
you abandon yourself.

Boundaries can get very complicated
if we were defining boundaries

according to cerebral concepts
of right or wrong,

wanted or unwanted.

Or according to boundaries other
people think are or aren't healthy.

After all, there are physical boundaries,
emotional boundaries, mental boundaries,

spiritual boundaries and
sexual boundaries.

So I'm going to make
it very easy for you.

Your boundaries are defined and
are no different than your feelings.

Your feelings will
always tell you

whether a boundary
has been violated.

So as long as you are listening
to your emotions,

you know exactly what
your boundaries are.

For example, if someone
said something that hurt you

they crossed an emotional boundary.

You will feel hurt,
which is your indication

that your boundaries
need to be reassessed.

Or if someone asks
you to a party,

and you feel as if you
don't want to go

but you go anyway,

you have violated
your own boundary,

and your emotions will reflect that to you
by making you feel negative emotion.

This is why it is so crucial to be
in touch with how you feel

all day every day.

So we can think of a boundary as a line
that uniquely defines and separates

your personal happiness,

your personal integrity,
your personal desires,

your personal needs,

and therefore, most importantly
your personal truth from the rest

of the universe.

He who does not listen to and
respect what they themselves feel,

violates his own boundaries.

He who does not listen to and
respect what others feel,

violates other people's boundaries.

It is as simple as that.

Practice feeling how things feel.

Listen to how you feel.
Listen to your emotions.

Because your feelings and your
emotions are the indication

of what your boundaries are.

It is very important that you start to
listen to and heed those emotions,

if you want to live the kind
of life that's worth living.

If you want to enjoy
your experience.

If you want to stay In alignment
with your own personal truth.

But it's important to understand
that personal truth,

which is what boundaries really are,

can only be told
to you by you.

Society can't tell you what
your boundaries are.

Your parents can't tell you
what your boundaries are.

Your friends can't tell you
what your boundaries are.

Only you can know what
your boundaries are.

But this is what
society tries to do.

This is what your
friends try to do.

This is what your
family tries to do.

This is what your
mate tries to do.

They try to tell you what your
boundaries should and shouldn't be

or are and aren't.

But they can't step into
your body feel for you.

It is crucial that we not
only know who we are

and what we really want,

but also that we know that we
are known for who we are,

and what we really
want, by others.

When we are ashamed of who
we are and what we want

we have poor boundaries.

We are ashamed out of our
true sense of self as children,

in order to fit
into the family

and into society.

We had to develop an identity

that was acceptable to
the people around us.

A false self.

This is a survival strategy.

We become the person we
think we're supposed to be,

and shame the person
that we really are.

How do you know if you
have set up a false self?

You fear other people thinking
negatively of you.

Do you know what
you really want?

Do you let other people tell you
what to think or believe,

or how to feel?

Do you do things that you
don't really want to do,

and say yes when you
really want to say no?

Or say no when you really
want to say yes?

Are you afraid to let people
know how you really feel?

Are you afraid of people
thinking negatively of you?

When most people think of a
boundary violation, they think

of an intrusive boundary violation,

like a rape,

when someone does
something to you,

and it's almost a towards
you, directional violation.

But there are also other
kinds of violation.

There is a violation that's called
a distancing violation as well.

What that is, is when someone whom
you are close to withdraws from you.

They cross an emotional boundary
going outwards, away from you.

That is also a boundary violation,

and it is sometimes the
most painful kind.

Those of us who had
invalidating parents

have a very difficult time
setting healthy boundaries.

We may violate our boundaries and
let other people violate our boundaries

all the time.

We may lack them altogether.

Here's a common scenario;

A child begins to feel angry because
their parent is always working

and never has time
to be with them.

The child expresses that
anger and is invalidated.

The parent says, "I spend
more time with you

than any other parent I know
spends with their children."

And the child is shamed
then, for being ungrateful.

The child learns that the
way they feel is "not true,"

and that they should be ashamed
for feeling the way they feel.

Anger is not acceptable,

so the child creates a false self
that cannot express anger.

Potentially, a false self that
says, "thank you," all the time.

Over time, he or she believes

that who they really are
is happy and grateful.

They have never really admitted the fact
that deep down, they are truly angry.

It is hard for people
to set boundaries

because, number one, we put other
people's needs and feelings first.

Number two, we
don't know ourselves.

Number three, we don't
feel as if we have rights.

Number four, we believe that setting
boundaries jeopardizes the relationship,

and number five, we never learn
to have healthy boundaries.

Most of us were told
when we were young

that how we felt was
either not how we felt,

or was not okay to feel.

Most of us were told that
what we saw, we did not see.

Most of us were told that
what we think we wanted

is not what we really wanted.

Or that it was not okay to
want what we wanted.

we lived lives where our
own personal truth

was invalidated again
and again and again.

This made most
of us feel crazy

and as if we could
not trust ourselves.

So we began to go
against the way we fet

and the things we wanted
and in doing so,

we did not stay
true to ourselves.

this internal self betrayal is what
caused us to stop trusting ourselves.

Self trust is all about boundaries.

That's all it really is.

If you don't trust yourself,

you have not so good,
not so healthy boundaries.

It means that you are
in the habitual pattern

of abandoning your own personal
truth and the way you feel.

This internal self betrayal makes
you feel unsafe with you.

We don't trust ourselves when
we feel unsafe with ourselves.

And who would really feel unsafe with
someone who abandoned them?

That's what you've
been doing to you.

No wonder you don't trust yourself.

We feel unsafe with ourselves
when we watch ourselves

make decisions that
don't feel good.

Or act in a way that doesn't
represent our true selves.

When we ignore the
way we really feel,

and abandon our personal truth,

we become in essence,
untrustworthy to ourselves.

The only way to begin
trusting yourself,

is to learn how to tune
back in to how you feel

and to honor how
you truely feel.

Maintaining a false self by
denying who we truly are,

denying what we truly want,

denying how we truly feel,

is a barrier to intimacy.

We cannot have good relationships
with other people,

because our false selves
become like a mask,

a mask that we won't
let anyone past.

Much more than that,

it's a mask we won't
let ourselves past.

We become convinced
that the mask is us.

it takes over our personality,
it takes over our identity,

it takes over our sense of self,

to the degree where we have no
idea who we are, what we want...

We're confused, we're
blundering through life.

To have intimacy, to have a
deep relationship with someone,

is to let the truth, the full, total,
unrestricted truth of who you are,

meet someone else
at the heart center.

You can't do that when there's a
mask in between you and them.

We want someone in
our lives, desperately,

that understands how we feel.

But we don't even
understand how we feel.

We wind up having a relationship
of convenience with ourselves.

We only listen to our
own personal truth

when it doesn't cause
trouble or difficulty.

We don't realize that we are
causing the very difficulty

that we are trying to avoid

by not listening to our
feelings a personal truth,

all the time, regardless of whether
it causes difficulty or not.

The bottom line is:

It is impossible to
know who you are,

and what you like,
and what you believe,

and what you want,

unless you know exactly
how you feel.

People must have
healthy boundaries,

in order to have
healthy relationships.

That's the only way you're going
to get into a relationship,

and not lose yourself completely.

So how does this
idea of boundaries

fit into the idea that
we live in a universe,

in and of a universe,
which is all one?

It seems like a contradiction,
but not so fast.

If I am embracing
what I truly am,

what I truly want,
what I truly need,

what I truly feel,

I am embracing the unique
expression of source energy

that I truly am.

I am actually more in alignment
with a universe that is one,

than if I am losing my boundaries.

Because I am denying the
true expression of myself

as an extension of source.

In other words, I am embracing the
unique expression of source that I am,

rather than seeing myself as separate
from others or from source.

And so, personal boundaries are
not a contradiction to spirituality.

We are simply using
the word boundary

which we associate with resistance.

~ giggles ~

In one sense, to
have boundaries

you have to differentiate
between yourself,

and between the
rest of the world.

But we don't really have to
worry about doing this, do we?

Because our physical
brains do it for us.

The minute you come down
into a physical experience,

as a physical human,

your experience will tell you

that you are separate from
the rest of the universe.

So it doesn't take much thought
to see yourself as a self.

It was always the plan for you
to experience a separate self,

because this perspective
serves the expansion

of the universe's own
process of self- awareness.

So we all already do experience
a self and other.

This perspective creates a
good deal of unhappiness,

until we allow ourselves to go in the
direction of individual happiness.

Which ultimately leads to our
discovery that we're all one,

and that whatever serves
our individual happiness,

serves all else that is.

But here's the thing
that really matters.

A boundary is not about resisting
what you do not want.

This is why most people see
boundaries as unhealthy.

because we associate
them with resistance.

And I can tell you that
if you're in resistance

to something that is unwanted,

Then you are not in alignment.

And that's not a
healthy boundary.

It's an unhealthy boundary.

So the people who walk
through this world

having resistance to people
violating them in any way,

are not a measure of health.

they're a measure
of unhealth.

Those people are focussed
on what is unwanted.

Pushing against
what is unwanted.

their boundaries are erected
to keep out what is unwanted.

Their boundaries don't
exist to keep them happy.

They only think they do.

It is as unhealthy to have
resistance towards violation,

that could be imposed
on you by the world,

as it is to have no boundaries,

and let the world constantly
trespass on your reality.

People who build walls
against intimacy,

are not exhibiting healthy boundaries.

They are in resistance
to the world.

An unhealthy boundary
pushes against the world

and tells others how they
can and can't behave.

But we have no control
over how they behave.

And what they do
and don't do.

We only have control over
what we do and don't do.

So healthy boundaries,
unlike most boundaries,

we're used to, such
as fences or rules,

are non resistant in nature,

and thus they're in
alignment with oneness.

Healthy boundaries are
not about controlling

what other people can
and can't do to you,

They are entirely about
you personally defining

and then following your
individual sense of happiness

and desires, and personal truth.

It is a state of self- awareness,
integrity, and self love.

You can't have any
of those things

if you are pushing
against the world,

and you can't have them if
you are letting the world define

who you are, what you
want and how you feel.

Having a healthy sense of
self serves not only you,

but also the universe.

And ultimately your happiness is,
everyone else's happiness as well,

because we're all one.

I want you to engage
in an activity for me.

Take out a piece of
paper and a pen,

and write down ten things that
you are the most unhappy about

in your current reality.

Maybe they're things that people
are doing to you that you don't like,

maybe it's just a situation
that you're not enjoying.

Then relative to this list,
I want you to ask yourself:

"Are there any boundaries that
I am crossing in this experience

which is giving rise to this
negative emotion that I have?"

"How do I really feel
about these experiences

or these things, items, that
I've written down on this list?"

An example may be:

" My spouse watches the television
after coming home from work

and ignores me."

"This makes me feel
rejected and unloved.

Like a void of loneliness
is welling up inside me."

"By doing this he is violating
an emotional boundary,

because I'm not ok with
people treating me like this."

"So I am going to write him a
letter, expressing how I feel."

This last part is especially crucial.

It's an action step.

It's you deciding what
it's going to take

for you to pull yourself back into
alignment with your personal truth.

And to honor how
you feel now.

It's crucial to make changes
based on how you really feel.

To decide specific
actions you can take.

Self expression is paramount
in this circumstance.

In this case, you may
decide to say no

next time someone asks
you to do something.

Maybe you'll make
a phone call

and back out of a
commitment you made.

Maybe you'll set a boundary
by saying something

to the next time
they hurt you.

Such as: "Please don't derail my
efforts to give up smoking,

or remind me how
many times I failed.

Or, you could assert a boundary
by asserting a positive request.

Such as: " I'd really appreciate your
help to succeed this time."

I want you to remember
that as time goes on,

your boundaries will
be reassessed.

Boundaries aren't
meant to be static,

they're meant to be
constantly evolving.

Maybe as things
change in your life,

maybe a new relationship, or
a new baby in the house,

you'll have to reassess
your boundaries.

Because your feelings relative to
what you want to do and not do,

are going to change.

Allow this to happen.

Your boundaries will change
throughout your life.

But it's very important that
as your boundaries change,

They change according
to your feelings.

Not according to how other
people think you should feel.

Or change.

We can rehabilitate each other
relative to boundaries, as well.

And it's very easy.

Just remember this:

Whenever you're in a
conversation with someone,

stop and tell them that you want
them to tell you exactly how they feel,

without being afraid of how
you're going to respond.

Reassure them that
what you really want

is for them to stay in alignment
with how they truly feel.

And what they truly want.

This gives them permission
to be themselves,

and to actually define their boundaries,
when they're in your presence.

Think about what kind
of world this would be

if we were all giving each other
this kind of permission.

Instead of walking around
trying to tell other people

what their boundaries
should and shouldn't be.

The bottom line is, if we
want to live happy lives,

and make the right choices
for ourselves personally

we need to know how we feel,
admit to how we feel,

and express how we feel.

Developing boundaries is a crucial
part of finding our true selves.

It is therefore a crucial part of
spiritual practice and life success.

We do not need to
resist others to do it,

instead we need to
fully allow ourselves,

and to express the truth
of ourselves at all times.

As I said before, defining
boundaries can be complicated,

until you simplify it,
and understand,

that your boundaries
are always reflected

by virtue of how you feel.

Your boundaries are no
different than how you feel.

If you feel like doing something,

then do it.

And you are not
violating a boundary.

If you feel like not doing
something, and you do it,

you are violating a boundary.

It is as simple as that.

As a spiritual luminary
my job is to offer to you

some advice for how to live
a life which you enjoy living.

And my number one suggestion,
is to follow happiness.

Which is the same as
following how you feel.

You can't deny who
you truly are.

You can't deny who
you truly want.

You can't deny your feelings.

Without also experiencing a
decrease in your level of happiness.

So the more in alignment you
are with your personal truth,

and the more you
honor your feelings,

the happier you will be.

It is my ultimate promise.

Have a good week.

Transcribed by:
Sasha Silverman & Tanya Duarte