1
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:37,786
Personal Boundaries vs Oneness


2
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,972
Hello everyone.

3
00:00:40,972 --> 00:00:42,862
Today, I've decided
to answer a question

4
00:00:42,862 --> 00:00:44,642
that I've been getting
again and again

5
00:00:44,642 --> 00:00:45,802
for the last 2 years.

6
00:00:45,802 --> 00:00:47,902
The question is about boundaries.

7
00:00:47,902 --> 00:00:49,452
What are boundaries?

8
00:00:49,452 --> 00:00:51,492
How do I set healthy boundaries?

9
00:00:51,492 --> 00:00:54,962
And most especially how do I
rectify the idea of boundaries

10
00:00:54,962 --> 00:00:58,382
with the idea that we live
in a Universe that is all one.

11
00:00:58,382 --> 00:01:02,382
We exist in a third-dimensional
physical reality

12
00:01:02,382 --> 00:01:04,302
and thus we perceive a self.

13
00:01:04,302 --> 00:01:07,452
This gives rise to the perception
of a boundary

14
00:01:07,452 --> 00:01:12,872
i.e. a separation between ourselves
and that which we see as other.

15
00:01:13,696 --> 00:01:15,706
What are boundaries?

16
00:01:15,706 --> 00:01:17,526
Boundaries are guidelines

17
00:01:17,526 --> 00:01:20,506
for how someone relates the 
self to the rest of the world.

18
00:01:20,506 --> 00:01:22,066
They are rules of conduct

19
00:01:22,066 --> 00:01:24,416
built out of a mix
of beliefs, opinions,

20
00:01:24,416 --> 00:01:27,936
attitudes, past experiences,
and social learning.

21
00:01:27,936 --> 00:01:30,796
Personal boundaries operate
in two directions

22
00:01:30,796 --> 00:01:34,796
affecting both incoming and 
outgoing interactions between people.

23
00:01:34,796 --> 00:01:40,106
Boundaries help to define an individual
by outlining likes and dislikes

24
00:01:40,106 --> 00:01:43,356
what is right for a person personally
or wrong for them personally.

25
00:01:43,356 --> 00:01:45,926
Defining these things
helps us to know

26
00:01:45,926 --> 00:01:49,346
how we will and won't allow ourselves
to be treated by others.

27
00:01:49,346 --> 00:01:53,346
Here are some signs that you might
have unhealthy boundaries.

28
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:58,016
Saying "no" when you mean "yes".
Or "yes" when you mean "no".

29
00:01:58,016 --> 00:02:00,756
Feeling guilty when you say "no"

30
00:02:00,756 --> 00:02:04,756
acting against your integrity or values
in order to please others.

31
00:02:04,756 --> 00:02:07,436
Not speaking up when you have 
something to say.

32
00:02:07,436 --> 00:02:11,436
Adopting another person's beliefs
or ideas so you are accepted.

33
00:02:11,436 --> 00:02:14,496
Not calling out someone who 
has mistreated you

34
00:02:14,496 --> 00:02:19,246
accepting physical touch or sex
when you don't want it.

35
00:02:19,246 --> 00:02:23,246
Allowing yourself to be interrupted or
distracted to accommodate someone else.

36
00:02:23,246 --> 00:02:25,626
or their immediate 
wants and needs.

37
00:02:25,626 --> 00:02:28,966
Giving too much just to 
be perceived as useful.

38
00:02:28,966 --> 00:02:32,436
Becoming overly involved in someone's 
problems or difficulties.

39
00:02:32,436 --> 00:02:36,996
Not defining and communicating your 
emotional needs in relationships.

40
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:40,466
But it's important to understand
that the biggest problem

41
00:02:40,466 --> 00:02:42,946
is not that other people violate
our boundaries

42
00:02:42,946 --> 00:02:45,566
it's that we violate 
our own boundaries.

43
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,856
When you let someone 
violate your boundaries,

44
00:02:47,856 --> 00:02:50,446
you are violating 
your own boundaries.

45
00:02:50,446 --> 00:02:54,686
You are not staying true to 
what feels good to you.

46
00:02:55,236 --> 00:02:57,466
This is self-betrayal.

47
00:02:57,466 --> 00:03:00,296
If you go against your 
personal boundaries

48
00:03:00,296 --> 00:03:03,386
you violate yourself,
you abandon yourself.

49
00:03:03,386 --> 00:03:06,666
Boundaries can get very complicated
if we were defining boundaries

50
00:03:06,666 --> 00:03:09,256
according to cerebral concepts 
of right or wrong,

51
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,786
wanted or unwanted.

52
00:03:10,786 --> 00:03:14,520
Or according to boundaries other 
people think are or aren't healthy.

53
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,830
After all, there are physical boundaries, 
emotional boundaries, mental boundaries,

54
00:03:18,830 --> 00:03:21,840
spiritual boundaries and 
sexual boundaries.

55
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,110
So I'm going to make 
it very easy for you.

56
00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:29,350
Your boundaries are defined and 
are no different than your feelings.

57
00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,780
Your feelings will 
always tell you

58
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:34,570
whether a boundary 
has been violated.

59
00:03:34,570 --> 00:03:36,950
So as long as you are listening 
to your emotions,

60
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,540
you know exactly what 
your boundaries are.

61
00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:42,880
For example, if someone 
said something that hurt you

62
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,990
they crossed an emotional boundary.

63
00:03:44,990 --> 00:03:47,470
You will feel hurt, 
which is your indication

64
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:50,640
that your boundaries 
need to be reassessed.

65
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,354
Or if someone asks 
you to a party,

66
00:03:52,354 --> 00:03:54,264
and you feel as if you 
don't want to go

67
00:03:54,264 --> 00:03:55,654
but you go anyway,

68
00:03:55,654 --> 00:03:57,834
you have violated 
your own boundary,

69
00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:02,284
and your emotions will reflect that to you
by making you feel negative emotion.

70
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:05,564
This is why it is so crucial to be
in touch with how you feel

71
00:04:05,564 --> 00:04:07,554
all day every day.

72
00:04:07,854 --> 00:04:12,384
So we can think of a boundary as a line 
that uniquely defines and separates

73
00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:14,164
your personal happiness,

74
00:04:14,164 --> 00:04:17,374
your personal integrity, 
your personal desires,

75
00:04:17,374 --> 00:04:18,974
your personal needs,

76
00:04:18,974 --> 00:04:22,364
and therefore, most importantly 
your personal truth from the rest

77
00:04:22,364 --> 00:04:24,264
of the universe.

78
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:28,004
He who does not listen to and 
respect what they themselves feel,

79
00:04:28,004 --> 00:04:30,204
violates his own boundaries.

80
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:33,214
He who does not listen to and 
respect what others feel,

81
00:04:33,214 --> 00:04:35,464
violates other people's boundaries.

82
00:04:35,464 --> 00:04:37,314
It is as simple as that.

83
00:04:37,314 --> 00:04:39,814
Practice feeling how things feel.

84
00:04:39,814 --> 00:04:42,914
Listen to how you feel. 
Listen to your emotions.

85
00:04:42,914 --> 00:04:46,914
Because your feelings and your 
emotions are the indication

86
00:04:46,914 --> 00:04:48,654
of what your boundaries are.

87
00:04:48,654 --> 00:04:54,154
It is very important that you start to 
listen to and heed those emotions,

88
00:04:54,154 --> 00:04:57,664
if you want to live the kind 
of life that's worth living.

89
00:04:57,664 --> 00:05:00,024
If you want to enjoy 
your experience.

90
00:05:00,024 --> 00:05:03,504
If you want to stay In alignment
with your own personal truth.

91
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:07,044
But it's important to understand
that personal truth,

92
00:05:07,044 --> 00:05:09,504
which is what boundaries really are,

93
00:05:09,504 --> 00:05:12,394
can only be told 
to you by you.

94
00:05:12,394 --> 00:05:15,374
Society can't tell you what 
your boundaries are.

95
00:05:15,374 --> 00:05:17,944
Your parents can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

96
00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:20,484
Your friends can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

97
00:05:20,484 --> 00:05:23,254
Only you can know what 
your boundaries are.

98
00:05:23,254 --> 00:05:25,284
But this is what 
society tries to do.

99
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:27,344
This is what your 
friends try to do.

100
00:05:27,344 --> 00:05:29,294
This is what your 
family tries to do.

101
00:05:29,294 --> 00:05:31,214
This is what your 
mate tries to do.

102
00:05:31,214 --> 00:05:34,354
They try to tell you what your 
boundaries should and shouldn't be

103
00:05:34,354 --> 00:05:35,924
or are and aren't.

104
00:05:35,924 --> 00:05:38,694
But they can't step into 
your body feel for you.

105
00:05:38,694 --> 00:05:42,194
It is crucial that we not 
only know who we are

106
00:05:42,194 --> 00:05:43,974
and what we really want,

107
00:05:43,974 --> 00:05:47,974
but also that we know that we 
are known for who we are,

108
00:05:47,974 --> 00:05:50,254
and what we really 
want, by others.

109
00:05:50,254 --> 00:05:53,074
When we are ashamed of who 
we are and what we want

110
00:05:53,074 --> 00:05:55,094
we have poor boundaries.

111
00:05:55,094 --> 00:05:58,254
We are ashamed out of our 
true sense of self as children,

112
00:05:58,254 --> 00:05:59,944
in order to fit 
into the family

113
00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,194
and into society.

114
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,774
We had to develop an identity

115
00:06:02,774 --> 00:06:05,254
that was acceptable to 
the people around us.

116
00:06:05,254 --> 00:06:06,824
A false self.

117
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,884
This is a survival strategy.

118
00:06:08,884 --> 00:06:11,544
We become the person we 
think we're supposed to be,

119
00:06:11,544 --> 00:06:14,434
and shame the person 
that we really are.

120
00:06:14,434 --> 00:06:17,154
How do you know if you 
have set up a false self?

121
00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:20,284
You fear other people thinking 
negatively of you.

122
00:06:20,284 --> 00:06:22,204
Do you know what 
you really want?

123
00:06:22,204 --> 00:06:25,804
Do you let other people tell you
what to think or believe,

124
00:06:25,804 --> 00:06:27,304
or how to feel?

125
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,604
Do you do things that you 
don't really want to do,

126
00:06:30,604 --> 00:06:32,794
and say yes when you 
really want to say no?

127
00:06:32,794 --> 00:06:35,174
Or say no when you really
want to say yes?

128
00:06:35,174 --> 00:06:37,774
Are you afraid to let people 
know how you really feel?

129
00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:40,834
Are you afraid of people 
thinking negatively of you?

130
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:44,834
When most people think of a
boundary violation, they think

131
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:47,504
of an intrusive boundary violation,

132
00:06:47,504 --> 00:06:48,664
like a rape,

133
00:06:48,664 --> 00:06:50,644
when someone does 
something to you,

134
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:54,284
and it's almost a towards 
you, directional violation.

135
00:06:54,284 --> 00:06:58,084
But there are also other 
kinds of violation.

136
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:02,964
There is a violation that's called 
a distancing violation as well.

137
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:07,534
What that is, is when someone whom 
you are close to withdraws from you.

138
00:07:07,534 --> 00:07:11,944
They cross an emotional boundary 
going outwards, away from you.

139
00:07:11,944 --> 00:07:14,584
That is also a boundary violation,

140
00:07:14,584 --> 00:07:17,514
and it is sometimes the 
most painful kind.

141
00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:21,064
Those of us who had 
invalidating parents

142
00:07:21,064 --> 00:07:24,154
have a very difficult time 
setting healthy boundaries.

143
00:07:24,154 --> 00:07:27,997
We may violate our boundaries and 
let other people violate our boundaries

144
00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:29,417
all the time.

145
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:31,907
We may lack them altogether.

146
00:07:31,907 --> 00:07:33,977
Here's a common scenario;

147
00:07:33,977 --> 00:07:37,277
A child begins to feel angry because 
their parent is always working

148
00:07:37,277 --> 00:07:39,317
and never has time 
to be with them.

149
00:07:39,317 --> 00:07:42,397
The child expresses that 
anger and is invalidated.

150
00:07:42,397 --> 00:07:44,997
The parent says, "I spend 
more time with you

151
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,677
than any other parent I know
spends with their children."

152
00:07:47,677 --> 00:07:50,707
And the child is shamed
then, for being ungrateful.

153
00:07:50,707 --> 00:07:53,307
The child learns that the 
way they feel is "not true,"

154
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:56,367
and that they should be ashamed
for feeling the way they feel.

155
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,067
Anger is not acceptable,

156
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:01,507
so the child creates a false self
that cannot express anger.

157
00:08:01,507 --> 00:08:05,507
Potentially, a false self that
says, "thank you," all the time.

158
00:08:05,781 --> 00:08:07,961
Over time, he or she believes

159
00:08:07,961 --> 00:08:10,381
that who they really are 
is happy and grateful.

160
00:08:10,381 --> 00:08:14,681
They have never really admitted the fact
that deep down, they are truly angry.

161
00:08:14,681 --> 00:08:16,791
It is hard for people 
to set boundaries

162
00:08:16,791 --> 00:08:20,791
because, number one, we put other 
people's needs and feelings first.

163
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,781
Number two, we 
don't know ourselves.

164
00:08:22,781 --> 00:08:25,171
Number three, we don't 
feel as if we have rights.

165
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,821
Number four, we believe that setting
boundaries jeopardizes the relationship,

166
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:33,111
and number five, we never learn 
to have healthy boundaries.

167
00:08:33,529 --> 00:08:35,909
Most of us were told 
when we were young

168
00:08:35,909 --> 00:08:38,539
that how we felt was 
either not how we felt,

169
00:08:38,539 --> 00:08:40,269
or was not okay to feel.

170
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,729
Most of us were told that 
what we saw, we did not see.

171
00:08:43,729 --> 00:08:47,059
Most of us were told that 
what we think we wanted

172
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:49,159
is not what we really wanted.

173
00:08:49,159 --> 00:08:51,439
Or that it was not okay to 
want what we wanted.

174
00:08:51,439 --> 00:08:53,779
we lived lives where our 
own personal truth

175
00:08:53,779 --> 00:08:56,969
was invalidated again 
and again and again.

176
00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:59,029
This made most 
of us feel crazy

177
00:08:59,029 --> 00:09:00,929
and as if we could 
not trust ourselves.

178
00:09:00,929 --> 00:09:02,989
So we began to go 
against the way we fet

179
00:09:02,989 --> 00:09:05,339
and the things we wanted 
and in doing so,

180
00:09:05,339 --> 00:09:07,039
we did not stay 
true to ourselves.

181
00:09:07,039 --> 00:09:11,459
this internal self betrayal is what 
caused us to stop trusting ourselves.

182
00:09:11,459 --> 00:09:14,769
Self trust is all about boundaries.

183
00:09:14,769 --> 00:09:16,349
That's all it really is.

184
00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:17,889
If you don't trust yourself,

185
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:21,029
you have not so good, 
not so healthy boundaries.

186
00:09:21,029 --> 00:09:23,359
It means that you are 
in the habitual pattern

187
00:09:23,359 --> 00:09:26,979
of abandoning your own personal 
truth and the way you feel.

188
00:09:26,979 --> 00:09:30,659
This internal self betrayal makes 
you feel unsafe with you.

189
00:09:30,659 --> 00:09:34,169
We don't trust ourselves when 
we feel unsafe with ourselves.

190
00:09:34,169 --> 00:09:37,429
And who would really feel unsafe with 
someone who abandoned them?

191
00:09:37,429 --> 00:09:40,159
That's what you've 
been doing to you.

192
00:09:40,159 --> 00:09:42,609
No wonder you don't trust yourself.

193
00:09:42,609 --> 00:09:45,369
We feel unsafe with ourselves 
when we watch ourselves

194
00:09:45,369 --> 00:09:47,269
make decisions that 
don't feel good.

195
00:09:47,269 --> 00:09:50,369
Or act in a way that doesn't 
represent our true selves.

196
00:09:50,369 --> 00:09:52,279
When we ignore the 
way we really feel,

197
00:09:52,279 --> 00:09:53,939
and abandon our personal truth,

198
00:09:53,939 --> 00:09:56,779
we become in essence, 
untrustworthy to ourselves.

199
00:09:56,779 --> 00:09:59,249
The only way to begin 
trusting yourself,

200
00:09:59,249 --> 00:10:02,119
is to learn how to tune 
back in to how you feel

201
00:10:02,119 --> 00:10:04,849
and to honor how 
you truely feel.

202
00:10:04,849 --> 00:10:08,589
Maintaining a false self by 
denying who we truly are,

203
00:10:08,589 --> 00:10:10,459
denying what we truly want,

204
00:10:10,459 --> 00:10:12,569
denying how we truly feel,

205
00:10:12,569 --> 00:10:14,979
is a barrier to intimacy.

206
00:10:14,979 --> 00:10:18,499
We cannot have good relationships 
with other people,

207
00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:21,299
because our false selves 
become like a mask,

208
00:10:21,299 --> 00:10:23,789
a mask that we won't 
let anyone past.

209
00:10:24,109 --> 00:10:26,019
Much more than that,

210
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:28,959
it's a mask we won't 
let ourselves past.

211
00:10:28,959 --> 00:10:31,949
We become convinced 
that the mask is us.

212
00:10:31,949 --> 00:10:35,379
it takes over our personality, 
it takes over our identity,

213
00:10:35,379 --> 00:10:37,569
it takes over our sense of self,

214
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:40,939
to the degree where we have no 
idea who we are, what we want...

215
00:10:40,939 --> 00:10:43,809
We're confused, we're 
blundering through life.

216
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:47,869
To have intimacy, to have a 
deep relationship with someone,

217
00:10:47,869 --> 00:10:53,419
is to let the truth, the full, total, 
unrestricted truth of who you are,

218
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,859
meet someone else 
at the heart center.

219
00:10:55,859 --> 00:10:59,449
You can't do that when there's a 
mask in between you and them.

220
00:10:59,449 --> 00:11:02,949
We want someone in 
our lives, desperately,

221
00:11:02,949 --> 00:11:04,909
that understands how we feel.

222
00:11:04,909 --> 00:11:07,949
But we don't even 
understand how we feel.

223
00:11:07,949 --> 00:11:11,649
We wind up having a relationship 
of convenience with ourselves.

224
00:11:11,649 --> 00:11:13,909
We only listen to our 
own personal truth

225
00:11:13,909 --> 00:11:16,149
when it doesn't cause 
trouble or difficulty.

226
00:11:16,149 --> 00:11:19,389
We don't realize that we are 
causing the very difficulty

227
00:11:19,389 --> 00:11:21,309
that we are trying to avoid

228
00:11:21,309 --> 00:11:23,799
by not listening to our 
feelings a personal truth,

229
00:11:23,799 --> 00:11:28,019
all the time, regardless of whether 
it causes difficulty or not.

230
00:11:28,579 --> 00:11:30,409
The bottom line is:

231
00:11:30,409 --> 00:11:33,369
It is impossible to 
know who you are,

232
00:11:33,369 --> 00:11:35,259
and what you like,
and what you believe,

233
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:36,729
and what you want, 


234
00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:39,549
unless you know exactly 
how you feel.

235
00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:42,009
People must have 
healthy boundaries,

236
00:11:42,009 --> 00:11:44,169
in order to have 
healthy relationships.

237
00:11:44,169 --> 00:11:47,079
That's the only way you're going 
to get into a relationship,

238
00:11:47,079 --> 00:11:49,219
and not lose yourself completely.

239
00:11:49,219 --> 00:11:51,229
So how does this 
idea of boundaries

240
00:11:51,229 --> 00:11:53,449
fit into the idea that 
we live in a universe,

241
00:11:53,449 --> 00:11:55,899
in and of a universe, 
which is all one?

242
00:11:55,899 --> 00:11:58,809
It seems like a contradiction, 
but not so fast.

243
00:11:58,809 --> 00:12:02,079
If I am embracing 
what I truly am,

244
00:12:02,079 --> 00:12:04,099
what I truly want,
what I truly need,

245
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,479
what I truly feel,

246
00:12:05,479 --> 00:12:08,959
I am embracing the unique 
expression of source energy

247
00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:10,449
that I truly am.

248
00:12:10,449 --> 00:12:13,939
I am actually more in alignment 
with a universe that is one,

249
00:12:13,939 --> 00:12:16,389
than if I am losing my boundaries.

250
00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:19,799
Because I am denying the 
true expression of myself

251
00:12:19,799 --> 00:12:21,959
as an extension of source.

252
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:26,309
In other words, I am embracing the 
unique expression of source that I am,

253
00:12:26,309 --> 00:12:29,499
rather than seeing myself as separate 
from others or from source.

254
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:33,779
And so, personal boundaries are 
not a contradiction to spirituality.

255
00:12:33,779 --> 00:12:36,399
We are simply using 
the word boundary

256
00:12:36,399 --> 00:12:39,109
which we associate with resistance.

257
00:12:39,109 --> 00:12:40,459
~ giggles ~

258
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,459
In one sense, to 
have boundaries

259
00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,619
you have to differentiate 
between yourself,

260
00:12:44,619 --> 00:12:46,369
and between the 
rest of the world.

261
00:12:46,369 --> 00:12:49,179
But we don't really have to 
worry about doing this, do we?

262
00:12:49,179 --> 00:12:51,209
Because our physical 
brains do it for us.

263
00:12:51,209 --> 00:12:53,729
The minute you come down 
into a physical experience,

264
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,159
as a physical human,

265
00:12:55,159 --> 00:12:57,139
your experience will tell you

266
00:12:57,139 --> 00:12:59,679
that you are separate from 
the rest of the universe.

267
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,889
So it doesn't take much thought 
to see yourself as a self.

268
00:13:05,009 --> 00:13:08,056
It was always the plan for you 
to experience a separate self,

269
00:13:08,056 --> 00:13:10,596
because this perspective 
serves the expansion

270
00:13:10,596 --> 00:13:13,706
of the universe's own
process of self- awareness.

271
00:13:14,017 --> 00:13:17,417
So we all already do experience 
a self and other.

272
00:13:17,417 --> 00:13:20,047
This perspective creates a 
good deal of unhappiness,

273
00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:23,707
until we allow ourselves to go in the 
direction of individual happiness.

274
00:13:23,707 --> 00:13:26,787
Which ultimately leads to our 
discovery that we're all one,

275
00:13:26,787 --> 00:13:29,297
and that whatever serves 
our individual happiness,

276
00:13:29,297 --> 00:13:31,347
serves all else that is.

277
00:13:31,347 --> 00:13:34,097
But here's the thing 
that really matters.

278
00:13:34,097 --> 00:13:38,447
A boundary is not about resisting 
what you do not want.

279
00:13:38,447 --> 00:13:42,837
This is why most people see 
boundaries as unhealthy.

280
00:13:42,837 --> 00:13:45,407
because we associate 
them with resistance.

281
00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,717
And I can tell you that 
if you're in resistance

282
00:13:47,717 --> 00:13:49,587
to something that is unwanted,

283
00:13:49,587 --> 00:13:51,367
Then you are not in alignment.

284
00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:53,197
And that's not a 
healthy boundary.

285
00:13:53,197 --> 00:13:55,437
It's an unhealthy boundary.

286
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:58,127
So the people who walk 
through this world

287
00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:01,167
having resistance to people 
violating them in any way,

288
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:03,427
are not a measure of health.

289
00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:05,607
they're a measure 
of unhealth.

290
00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:07,857
Those people are focussed 
on what is unwanted.

291
00:14:07,857 --> 00:14:09,637
Pushing against 
what is unwanted.

292
00:14:09,637 --> 00:14:12,527
their boundaries are erected 
to keep out what is unwanted.

293
00:14:12,527 --> 00:14:15,417
Their boundaries don't 
exist to keep them happy.

294
00:14:15,417 --> 00:14:17,677
They only think they do.

295
00:14:17,677 --> 00:14:21,677
It is as unhealthy to have 
resistance towards violation,

296
00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:23,797
that could be imposed 
on you by the world,

297
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,607
as it is to have no boundaries,

298
00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:28,287
and let the world constantly 
trespass on your reality.

299
00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:30,777
People who build walls 
against intimacy,

300
00:14:30,777 --> 00:14:33,747
are not exhibiting healthy boundaries.

301
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:36,137
They are in resistance 
to the world.

302
00:14:36,137 --> 00:14:38,537
An unhealthy boundary 
pushes against the world

303
00:14:38,537 --> 00:14:40,997
and tells others how they 
can and can't behave.

304
00:14:40,997 --> 00:14:43,347
But we have no control 
over how they behave.

305
00:14:43,347 --> 00:14:45,027
And what they do 
and don't do.

306
00:14:45,027 --> 00:14:48,467
We only have control over 
what we do and don't do.

307
00:14:49,157 --> 00:14:51,897
So healthy boundaries, 
unlike most boundaries,

308
00:14:51,897 --> 00:14:54,227
we're used to, such 
as fences or rules,

309
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,307
are non resistant in nature,

310
00:14:56,307 --> 00:14:59,117
and thus they're in 
alignment with oneness.

311
00:14:59,117 --> 00:15:01,297
Healthy boundaries are 
not about controlling

312
00:15:01,297 --> 00:15:03,497
what other people can 
and can't do to you,

313
00:15:03,497 --> 00:15:05,827
They are entirely about 
you personally defining

314
00:15:05,827 --> 00:15:08,497
and then following your 
individual sense of happiness

315
00:15:08,497 --> 00:15:10,787
and desires, and personal truth.

316
00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:14,657
It is a state of self- awareness, 
integrity, and self love.

317
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,757
You can't have any 
of those things

318
00:15:16,757 --> 00:15:18,557
if you are pushing 
against the world,

319
00:15:18,557 --> 00:15:21,397
and you can't have them if 
you are letting the world define

320
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:23,557
who you are, what you 
want and how you feel.

321
00:15:23,557 --> 00:15:25,987
Having a healthy sense of 
self serves not only you,

322
00:15:25,987 --> 00:15:27,197
but also the universe.

323
00:15:27,197 --> 00:15:30,517
And ultimately your happiness is, 
everyone else's happiness as well,

324
00:15:30,517 --> 00:15:32,557
because we're all one.

325
00:15:33,211 --> 00:15:35,751
I want you to engage 
in an activity for me.

326
00:15:35,751 --> 00:15:38,571
Take out a piece of 
paper and a pen,

327
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,871
and write down ten things that 
you are the most unhappy about

328
00:15:41,871 --> 00:15:43,751
in your current reality.

329
00:15:44,317 --> 00:15:47,707
Maybe they're things that people 
are doing to you that you don't like,

330
00:15:47,707 --> 00:15:50,607
maybe it's just a situation 
that you're not enjoying.

331
00:15:50,607 --> 00:15:53,567
Then relative to this list,
I want you to ask yourself:

332
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:58,637
"Are there any boundaries that 
I am crossing in this experience

333
00:15:58,637 --> 00:16:02,407
which is giving rise to this 
negative emotion that I have?"

334
00:16:02,777 --> 00:16:06,617
"How do I really feel 
about these experiences

335
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:10,527
or these things, items, that 
I've written down on this list?"

336
00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:12,482
An example may be:

337
00:16:12,482 --> 00:16:15,552
" My spouse watches the television 
after coming home from work

338
00:16:15,552 --> 00:16:16,952
and ignores me."

339
00:16:16,952 --> 00:16:18,992
"This makes me feel 
rejected and unloved.

340
00:16:18,992 --> 00:16:21,462
Like a void of loneliness 
is welling up inside me."

341
00:16:21,462 --> 00:16:24,142
"By doing this he is violating 
an emotional boundary,

342
00:16:24,142 --> 00:16:27,232
because I'm not ok with 
people treating me like this."

343
00:16:27,232 --> 00:16:31,102
"So I am going to write him a 
letter, expressing how I feel."

344
00:16:31,102 --> 00:16:33,702
This last part is especially crucial.

345
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,422
It's an action step.

346
00:16:35,422 --> 00:16:37,552
It's you deciding what 
it's going to take

347
00:16:37,552 --> 00:16:41,552
for you to pull yourself back into 
alignment with your personal truth.

348
00:16:41,552 --> 00:16:44,642
And to honor how 
you feel now.

349
00:16:45,312 --> 00:16:49,262
It's crucial to make changes 
based on how you really feel.

350
00:16:49,497 --> 00:16:52,107
To decide specific 
actions you can take.

351
00:16:52,287 --> 00:16:55,497
Self expression is paramount 
in this circumstance.

352
00:16:55,738 --> 00:16:58,018
In this case, you may 
decide to say no

353
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,218
next time someone asks 
you to do something.

354
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:01,698
Maybe you'll make 
a phone call

355
00:17:01,698 --> 00:17:03,698
and back out of a 
commitment you made.

356
00:17:03,698 --> 00:17:05,998
Maybe you'll set a boundary 
by saying something

357
00:17:05,998 --> 00:17:07,528
to the next time 
they hurt you.

358
00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:10,628
Such as: "Please don't derail my 
efforts to give up smoking,

359
00:17:10,628 --> 00:17:12,708
or remind me how 
many times I failed.

360
00:17:12,708 --> 00:17:16,708
Or, you could assert a boundary 
by asserting a positive request.

361
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:20,298
Such as: " I'd really appreciate your 
help to succeed this time."

362
00:17:20,439 --> 00:17:23,409
I want you to remember 
that as time goes on,

363
00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,479
your boundaries will 
be reassessed.

364
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,359
Boundaries aren't 
meant to be static,

365
00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,379
they're meant to be 
constantly evolving.

366
00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:31,379
Maybe as things 
change in your life,

367
00:17:31,379 --> 00:17:34,509
maybe a new relationship, or 
a new baby in the house,

368
00:17:34,509 --> 00:17:36,739
you'll have to reassess 
your boundaries.

369
00:17:36,739 --> 00:17:40,099
Because your feelings relative to 
what you want to do and not do,

370
00:17:40,099 --> 00:17:41,919
are going to change.

371
00:17:41,919 --> 00:17:43,529
Allow this to happen.

372
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,959
Your boundaries will change 
throughout your life.

373
00:17:45,959 --> 00:17:49,289
But it's very important that 
as your boundaries change,

374
00:17:49,289 --> 00:17:51,509
They change according 
to your feelings.

375
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:54,229
Not according to how other 
people think you should feel.

376
00:17:54,229 --> 00:17:55,889
Or change.

377
00:17:55,889 --> 00:18:00,959
We can rehabilitate each other 
relative to boundaries, as well.

378
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,839
And it's very easy.

379
00:18:02,839 --> 00:18:04,599
Just remember this:

380
00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:07,049
Whenever you're in a 
conversation with someone,

381
00:18:07,049 --> 00:18:12,409
stop and tell them that you want 
them to tell you exactly how they feel,

382
00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:15,649
without being afraid of how 
you're going to respond.

383
00:18:15,649 --> 00:18:18,259
Reassure them that 
what you really want

384
00:18:18,259 --> 00:18:21,649
is for them to stay in alignment 
with how they truly feel.

385
00:18:21,649 --> 00:18:23,689
And what they truly want.

386
00:18:23,689 --> 00:18:26,169
This gives them permission 
to be themselves,

387
00:18:26,169 --> 00:18:30,169
and to actually define their boundaries, 
when they're in your presence.

388
00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:32,299
Think about what kind 
of world this would be

389
00:18:32,299 --> 00:18:35,039
if we were all giving each other 
this kind of permission.

390
00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:37,589
Instead of walking around 
trying to tell other people

391
00:18:37,589 --> 00:18:39,809
what their boundaries 
should and shouldn't be.

392
00:18:39,809 --> 00:18:42,289
The bottom line is, if we 
want to live happy lives,

393
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,759
and make the right choices 
for ourselves personally

394
00:18:44,759 --> 00:18:47,389
we need to know how we feel, 
admit to how we feel,

395
00:18:47,389 --> 00:18:49,209
and express how we feel.

396
00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:53,469
Developing boundaries is a crucial 
part of finding our true selves.

397
00:18:53,469 --> 00:18:58,139
It is therefore a crucial part of 
spiritual practice and life success.

398
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,018
We do not need to 
resist others to do it,

399
00:19:01,018 --> 00:19:03,038
instead we need to 
fully allow ourselves,

400
00:19:03,038 --> 00:19:06,078
and to express the truth 
of ourselves at all times.

401
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:12,018
As I said before, defining 
boundaries can be complicated,

402
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,608
until you simplify it, 
and understand,

403
00:19:14,608 --> 00:19:16,788
that your boundaries 
are always reflected

404
00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,778
by virtue of how you feel.

405
00:19:18,778 --> 00:19:21,718
Your boundaries are no 
different than how you feel.

406
00:19:22,118 --> 00:19:24,408
If you feel like doing something,

407
00:19:24,408 --> 00:19:25,908
then do it.

408
00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:27,788
And you are not 
violating a boundary.

409
00:19:27,788 --> 00:19:31,028
If you feel like not doing 
something, and you do it,

410
00:19:31,028 --> 00:19:33,028
you are violating a boundary.

411
00:19:33,028 --> 00:19:35,118
It is as simple as that.

412
00:19:35,118 --> 00:19:40,038
As a spiritual luminary 
my job is to offer to you

413
00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:44,488
some advice for how to live 
a life which you enjoy living.

414
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:49,378
And my number one suggestion, 
is to follow happiness.

415
00:19:49,378 --> 00:19:52,078
Which is the same as 
following how you feel.

416
00:19:52,078 --> 00:19:55,088
You can't deny who 
you truly are.

417
00:19:55,088 --> 00:19:57,078
You can't deny who 
you truly want.

418
00:19:57,078 --> 00:19:59,848
You can't deny your feelings.

419
00:19:59,848 --> 00:20:05,318
Without also experiencing a 
decrease in your level of happiness.

420
00:20:05,318 --> 00:20:08,698
So the more in alignment you 
are with your personal truth,

421
00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:11,278
and the more you 
honor your feelings,

422
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,658
the happier you will be.

423
00:20:13,658 --> 00:20:16,078
It is my ultimate promise.

424
00:20:16,078 --> 00:20:17,488
Have a good week.

425
00:20:52,895 --> 00:20:55,695
Transcribed by: 
Sasha Silverman & Tanya Duarte