Personal Boundaries vs Oneness

Hello everyone.

Today, I've decided
to answer a question

that I've been getting
again and again

for the last 2 years.

The question is about boundaries.

What are boundaries?

How do I set healthy boundaries?

And most especially how do I
rectify the idea of boundaries

with the idea that we live
in a Universe that is all one.

We exist in a third-dimensional
physical reality

and thus we perceive a self.

This gives rise to the perception
of a boundary

i.e. a separation between ourselves
and that which we see as other.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines

for how someone relates the 
self to the rest of the world.

They are rules of conduct

built out of a mix
of beliefs, opinions,

attitudes, past experiences,
and social learning.

Personal boundaries operate
in two directions

affecting both incoming and 
outgoing interactions between people.

Boundaries help to define an individual
by outlining likes and dislikes

what is right for a person personally
or wrong for them personally.

Defining these things
helps us to know

how we will and won't allow ourselves
to be treated by others.

Here are some signs that you might
have unhealthy boundaries.

Saying "no" when you mean "yes".
Or "yes" when you mean "no".

Feeling guilty when you say "no"

acting against your integrity or values
in order to please others.

Not speaking up when you have 
something to say.

Adopting another person's beliefs
or ideas so you are accepted.

Not calling out someone who 
has mistreated you

accepting physical touch or sex
when you don't want it.

Allowing yourself to be interrupted or
distracted to accommodate someone else.

or their immediate 
wants and needs.

Giving too much just to 
be perceived as useful.

Becoming overly involved in someone's 
problems or difficulties.

Not defining and communicating your 
emotional needs in relationships.

But it's important to understand
that the biggest problem

is not that other people violate
our boundaries

it's that we violate 
our own boundaries.

When you let someone 
violate your boundaries,

you are violating 
your own boundaries.

You are not staying true to 
what feels good to you.

This is self-betrayal.

If you go against your 
personal boundaries

you violate yourself,
you abandon yourself.

Boundaries can get very complicated
if we were defining boundaries

according to cerebral concepts 
of right or wrong,

wanted or unwanted.

Or according to boundaries other 
people think are or aren't healthy.

After all, there are physical boundaries, 
emotional boundaries, mental boundaries,

spiritual boundaries and 
sexual boundaries.

So I'm going to make 
it very easy for you.

Your boundaries are defined and 
are no different than your feelings.

Your feelings will 
always tell you

whether a boundary 
has been violated.

So as long as you are listening 
to your emotions,

you know exactly what 
your boundaries are.

For example, if someone 
said something that hurt you

they crossed an emotional boundary.

You will feel hurt, 
which is your indication

that your boundaries 
need to be reassessed.

Or if someone asks 
you to a party,

and you feel as if you 
don't want to go

but you go anyway,

you have violated 
your own boundary,

and your emotions will reflect that to you
by making you feel negative emotion.

This is why it is so crucial to be
in touch with how you feel

all day every day.

So we can think of a boundary as a line 
that uniquely defines and separates

your personal happiness,

your personal integrity, 
your personal desires,

your personal needs,

and therefore, most importantly 
your personal truth from the rest

of the universe.

He who does not listen to and 
respect what they themselves feel,

violates his own boundaries.

He who does not listen to and 
respect what others feel,

violates other people's boundaries.

It is as simple as that.

Practice feeling how things feel.

Listen to how you feel. 
Listen to your emotions.

Because your feelings and your 
emotions are the indication

of what your boundaries are.

It is very important that you start to 
listen to and heed those emotions,

if you want to live the kind 
of life that's worth living.

If you want to enjoy 
your experience.

If you want to stay In alignment
with your own personal truth.

But it's important to understand
that personal truth,

which is what boundaries really are,

can only be told 
to you by you.

Society can't tell you what 
your boundaries are.

Your parents can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

Your friends can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

Only you can know what 
your boundaries are.

But this is what 
society tries to do.

This is what your 
friends try to do.

This is what your 
family tries to do.

This is what your 
mate tries to do.

They try to tell you what your 
boundaries should and shouldn't be

or are and aren't.

But they can't step into 
your body feel for you.

It is crucial that we not 
only know who we are

and what we really want,

but also that we know that we 
are known for who we are,

and what we really 
want, by others.

When we are ashamed of who 
we are and what we want

we have poor boundaries.

We are ashamed out of our 
true sense of self as children,

in order to fit 
into the family

and into society.

We had to develop an identity

that was acceptable to 
the people around us.

A false self.

This is a survival strategy.

We become the person we 
think we're supposed to be,

and shame the person 
that we really are.

How do you know if you 
have set up a false self?

You fear other people thinking 
negatively of you.

Do you know what 
you really want?

Do you let other people tell you
what to think or believe,

or how to feel?

Do you do things that you 
don't really want to do,

and say yes when you 
really want to say no?

Or say no when you really
want to say yes?

Are you afraid to let people 
know how you really feel?

Are you afraid of people 
thinking negatively of you?

When most people think of a
boundary violation, they think

of an intrusive boundary violation,

like a rape,

when someone does 
something to you,

and it's almost a towards 
you, directional violation.

But there are also other 
kinds of violation.

There is a violation that's called 
a distancing violation as well.

What that is, is when someone whom 
you are close to withdraws from you.

They cross an emotional boundary 
going outwards, away from you.

That is also a boundary violation,

and it is sometimes the 
most painful kind.

Those of us who had 
invalidating parents

have a very difficult time 
setting healthy boundaries.

We may violate our boundaries and 
let other people violate our boundaries

all the time.

We may lack them altogether.

Here's a common scenario;

A child begins to feel angry because 
their parent is always working

and never has time 
to be with them.

The child expresses that 
anger and is invalidated.

The parent says, "I spend 
more time with you

than any other parent I know
spends with their children."

And the child is shamed
then, for being ungrateful.

The child learns that the 
way they feel is "not true,"

and that they should be ashamed
for feeling the way they feel.

Anger is not acceptable,

so the child creates a false self
that cannot express anger.

Potentially, a false self that
says, "thank you," all the time.

Over time, he or she believes

that who they really are 
is happy and grateful.

They have never really admitted the fact
that deep down, they are truly angry.

It is hard for people 
to set boundaries

because, number one, we put other 
people's needs and feelings first.

Number two, we 
don't know ourselves.

Number three, we don't 
feel as if we have rights.

Number four, we believe that setting
boundaries jeopardizes the relationship,

and number five, we never learn 
to have healthy boundaries.

Most of us were told 
when we were young

that how we felt was 
either not how we felt,

or was not okay to feel.

Most of us were told that 
what we saw, we did not see.

Most of us were told that 
what we think we wanted

is not what we really wanted.

Or that it was not okay to 
want what we wanted.

we lived lives where our 
own personal truth

was invalidated again 
and again and again.

This made most 
of us feel crazy

and as if we could 
not trust ourselves.

So we began to go 
against the way we fet

and the things we wanted 
and in doing so,

we did not stay 
true to ourselves.

this internal self betrayal is what 
caused us to stop trusting ourselves.

Self trust is all about boundaries.

That's all it really is.

If you don't trust yourself,

you have not so good, 
not so healthy boundaries.

It means that you are 
in the habitual pattern

of abandoning your own personal 
truth and the way you feel.

This internal self betrayal makes 
you feel unsafe with you.

We don't trust ourselves when 
we feel unsafe with ourselves.

And who would really feel unsafe with 
someone who abandoned them?

That's what you've 
been doing to you.

No wonder you don't trust yourself.

We feel unsafe with ourselves 
when we watch ourselves

make decisions that 
don't feel good.

Or act in a way that doesn't 
represent our true selves.

When we ignore the 
way we really feel,

and abandon our personal truth,

we become in essence, 
untrustworthy to ourselves.

The only way to begin 
trusting yourself,

is to learn how to tune 
back in to how you feel

and to honor how 
you truely feel.

Maintaining a false self by 
denying who we truly are,

denying what we truly want,

denying how we truly feel,

is a barrier to intimacy.

We cannot have good relationships 
with other people,

because our false selves 
become like a mask,

a mask that we won't 
let anyone past.

Much more than that,

it's a mask we won't 
let ourselves past.

We become convinced 
that the mask is us.

it takes over our personality, 
it takes over our identity,

it takes over our sense of self,

to the degree where we have no 
idea who we are, what we want...

We're confused, we're 
blundering through life.

To have intimacy, to have a 
deep relationship with someone,

is to let the truth, the full, total, 
unrestricted truth of who you are,

meet someone else 
at the heart center.

You can't do that when there's a 
mask in between you and them.

We want someone in 
our lives, desperately,

that understands how we feel.

But we don't even 
understand how we feel.

We wind up having a relationship 
of convenience with ourselves.

We only listen to our 
own personal truth

when it doesn't cause 
trouble or difficulty.

We don't realize that we are 
causing the very difficulty

that we are trying to avoid

by not listening to our 
feelings a personal truth,

all the time, regardless of whether 
it causes difficulty or not.

The bottom line is:

It is impossible to 
know who you are,

and what you like,
and what you believe,

and what you want,

unless you know exactly 
how you feel.

People must have 
healthy boundaries,

in order to have 
healthy relationships.

That's the only way you're going 
to get into a relationship,

and not lose yourself completely.

So how does this 
idea of boundaries

fit into the idea that 
we live in a universe,

in and of a universe, 
which is all one?

It seems like a contradiction, 
but not so fast.

If I am embracing 
what I truly am,

what I truly want,
what I truly need,

what I truly feel,

I am embracing the unique 
expression of source energy

that I truly am.

I am actually more in alignment 
with a universe that is one,

than if I am losing my boundaries.

Because I am denying the 
true expression of myself

as an extension of source.

In other words, I am embracing the 
unique expression of source that I am,

rather than seeing myself as separate 
from others or from source.

And so, personal boundaries are 
not a contradiction to spirituality.

We are simply using 
the word boundary

which we associate with resistance.

~ giggles ~

In one sense, to 
have boundaries

you have to differentiate 
between yourself,

and between the 
rest of the world.

But we don't really have to 
worry about doing this, do we?

Because our physical 
brains do it for us.

The minute you come down 
into a physical experience,

as a physical human,

your experience will tell you

that you are separate from 
the rest of the universe.

So it doesn't take much thought 
to see yourself as a self.

It was always the plan for you 
to experience a separate self,

because this perspective 
serves the expansion

of the universe's own
process of self- awareness.

So we all already do experience 
a self and other.

This perspective creates a 
good deal of unhappiness,

until we allow ourselves to go in the 
direction of individual happiness.

Which ultimately leads to our 
discovery that we're all one,

and that whatever serves 
our individual happiness,

serves all else that is.

But here's the thing 
that really matters.

A boundary is not about resisting 
what you do not want.

This is why most people see 
boundaries as unhealthy.

because we associate 
them with resistance.

And I can tell you that 
if you're in resistance

to something that is unwanted,

Then you are not in alignment.

And that's not a 
healthy boundary.

It's an unhealthy boundary.

So the people who walk 
through this world

having resistance to people 
violating them in any way,

are not a measure of health.

they're a measure 
of unhealth.

Those people are focussed 
on what is unwanted.

Pushing against 
what is unwanted.

their boundaries are erected 
to keep out what is unwanted.

Their boundaries don't 
exist to keep them happy.

They only think they do.

It is as unhealthy to have 
resistance towards violation,

that could be imposed 
on you by the world,

as it is to have no boundaries,

and let the world constantly 
trespass on your reality.

People who build walls 
against intimacy,

are not exhibiting healthy boundaries.

They are in resistance 
to the world.

An unhealthy boundary 
pushes against the world

and tells others how they 
can and can't behave.

But we have no control 
over how they behave.

And what they do 
and don't do.

We only have control over 
what we do and don't do.

So healthy boundaries, 
unlike most boundaries,

we're used to, such 
as fences or rules,

are non resistant in nature,

and thus they're in 
alignment with oneness.

Healthy boundaries are 
not about controlling

what other people can 
and can't do to you,

They are entirely about 
you personally defining

and then following your 
individual sense of happiness

and desires, and personal truth.

It is a state of self- awareness, 
integrity, and self love.

You can't have any 
of those things

if you are pushing 
against the world,

and you can't have them if 
you are letting the world define

who you are, what you 
want and how you feel.

Having a healthy sense of 
self serves not only you,

but also the universe.

And ultimately your happiness is, 
everyone else's happiness as well,

because we're all one.

I want you to engage 
in an activity for me.

Take out a piece of 
paper and a pen,

and write down ten things that 
you are the most unhappy about

in your current reality.

Maybe they're things that people 
are doing to you that you don't like,

maybe it's just a situation 
that you're not enjoying.

Then relative to this list,
I want you to ask yourself:

"Are there any boundaries that 
I am crossing in this experience

which is giving rise to this 
negative emotion that I have?"

"How do I really feel 
about these experiences

or these things, items, that 
I've written down on this list?"

An example may be:

" My spouse watches the television 
after coming home from work

and ignores me."

"This makes me feel 
rejected and unloved.

Like a void of loneliness 
is welling up inside me."

"By doing this he is violating 
an emotional boundary,

because I'm not ok with 
people treating me like this."

"So I am going to write him a 
letter, expressing how I feel."

This last part is especially crucial.

It's an action step.

It's you deciding what 
it's going to take

for you to pull yourself back into 
alignment with your personal truth.

And to honor how 
you feel now.

It's crucial to make changes 
based on how you really feel.

To decide specific 
actions you can take.

Self expression is paramount 
in this circumstance.

In this case, you may 
decide to say no

next time someone asks 
you to do something.

Maybe you'll make 
a phone call

and back out of a 
commitment you made.

Maybe you'll set a boundary 
by saying something

to the next time 
they hurt you.

Such as: "Please don't derail my 
efforts to give up smoking,

or remind me how 
many times I failed.

Or, you could assert a boundary 
by asserting a positive request.

Such as: " I'd really appreciate your 
help to succeed this time."

I want you to remember 
that as time goes on,

your boundaries will 
be reassessed.

Boundaries aren't 
meant to be static,

they're meant to be 
constantly evolving.

Maybe as things 
change in your life,

maybe a new relationship, or 
a new baby in the house,

you'll have to reassess 
your boundaries.

Because your feelings relative to 
what you want to do and not do,

are going to change.

Allow this to happen.

Your boundaries will change 
throughout your life.

But it's very important that 
as your boundaries change,

They change according 
to your feelings.

Not according to how other 
people think you should feel.

Or change.

We can rehabilitate each other 
relative to boundaries, as well.

And it's very easy.

Just remember this:

Whenever you're in a 
conversation with someone,

stop and tell them that you want 
them to tell you exactly how they feel,

without being afraid of how 
you're going to respond.

Reassure them that 
what you really want

is for them to stay in alignment 
with how they truly feel.

And what they truly want.

This gives them permission 
to be themselves,

and to actually define their boundaries, 
when they're in your presence.

Think about what kind 
of world this would be

if we were all giving each other 
this kind of permission.

Instead of walking around 
trying to tell other people

what their boundaries 
should and shouldn't be.

The bottom line is, if we 
want to live happy lives,

and make the right choices 
for ourselves personally

we need to know how we feel, 
admit to how we feel,

and express how we feel.

Developing boundaries is a crucial 
part of finding our true selves.

It is therefore a crucial part of 
spiritual practice and life success.

We do not need to 
resist others to do it,

instead we need to 
fully allow ourselves,

and to express the truth 
of ourselves at all times.

As I said before, defining 
boundaries can be complicated,

until you simplify it, 
and understand,

that your boundaries 
are always reflected

by virtue of how you feel.

Your boundaries are no 
different than how you feel.

If you feel like doing something,

then do it.

And you are not 
violating a boundary.

If you feel like not doing 
something, and you do it,

you are violating a boundary.

It is as simple as that.

As a spiritual luminary 
my job is to offer to you

some advice for how to live 
a life which you enjoy living.

And my number one suggestion, 
is to follow happiness.

Which is the same as 
following how you feel.

You can't deny who 
you truly are.

You can't deny who 
you truly want.

You can't deny your feelings.

Without also experiencing a 
decrease in your level of happiness.

So the more in alignment you 
are with your personal truth,

and the more you 
honor your feelings,

the happier you will be.

It is my ultimate promise.

Have a good week.

Transcribed by: 
Sasha Silverman & Tanya Duarte