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Personal Boundaries vs Oneness[br]

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Hello everyone.

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Today, I've decided[br]to answer a question

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that I've been getting[br]again and again

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for the last 2 years.

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The question is about boundaries.

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What are boundaries?

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How do I set healthy boundaries?

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And most especially how do I[br]rectify the idea of boundaries

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with the idea that we live[br]in a Universe that is all one.

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We exist in a third-dimensional[br]physical reality

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and thus we perceive a self.

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This gives rise to the perception[br]of a boundary

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i.e. a separation between ourselves[br]and that which we see as other.

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What are boundaries?

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Boundaries are guidelines

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for how someone relates the [br]self to the rest of the world.

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They are rules of conduct

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built out of a mix[br]of beliefs, opinions,

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attitudes, past experiences,[br]and social learning.

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Personal boundaries operate[br]in two directions

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affecting both incoming and [br]outgoing interactions between people.

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Boundaries help to define an individual[br]by outlining likes and dislikes

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what is right for a person personally[br]or wrong for them personally.

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Defining these things[br]helps us to know

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how we will and won't allow ourselves[br]to be treated by others.

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Here are some signs that you might[br]have unhealthy boundaries.

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Saying "no" when you mean "yes".[br]Or "yes" when you mean "no".

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Feeling guilty when you say "no"

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acting against your integrity or values[br]in order to please others.

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Not speaking up when you have [br]something to say.

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Adopting another person's beliefs[br]or ideas so you are accepted.

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Not calling out someone who [br]has mistreated you

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accepting physical touch or sex[br]when you don't want it.

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Allowing yourself to be interrupted or[br]distracted to accommodate someone else.

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or their immediate [br]wants and needs.

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Giving too much just to [br]be perceived as useful.

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Becoming overly involved in someone's [br]problems or difficulties.

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Not defining and communicating your [br]emotional needs in relationships.

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But it's important to understand[br]that the biggest problem

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is not that other people violate[br]our boundaries

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it's that we violate [br]our own boundaries.

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When you let someone [br]violate your boundaries,

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you are violating [br]your own boundaries.

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You are not staying true to [br]what feels good to you.

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This is self-betrayal.

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If you go against your [br]personal boundaries

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you violate yourself,[br]you abandon yourself.

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Boundaries can get very complicated[br]if we were defining boundaries

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according to cerebral concepts [br]of right or wrong,

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wanted or unwanted.

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Or according to boundaries other [br]people think are or aren't healthy.

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After all, there are physical boundaries, [br]emotional boundaries, mental boundaries,

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spiritual boundaries and [br]sexual boundaries.

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So I'm going to make [br]it very easy for you.

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Your boundaries are defined and [br]are no different than your feelings.

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Your feelings will [br]always tell you

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whether a boundary [br]has been violated.

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So as long as you are listening [br]to your emotions,

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you know exactly what [br]your boundaries are.

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For example, if someone [br]said something that hurt you

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they crossed an emotional boundary.

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You will feel hurt, [br]which is your indication

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that your boundaries [br]need to be reassessed.

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Or if someone asks [br]you to a party,

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and you feel as if you [br]don't want to go

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but you go anyway,

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you have violated [br]your own boundary,

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and your emotions will reflect that to you[br]by making you feel negative emotion.

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This is why it is so crucial to be[br]in touch with how you feel

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all day every day.

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So we can think of a boundary as a line [br]that uniquely defines and separates

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your personal happiness,

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your personal integrity, [br]your personal desires,

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your personal needs,

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and therefore, most importantly [br]your personal truth from the rest

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of the universe.

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He who does not listen to and [br]respect what they themselves feel,

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violates his own boundaries.

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He who does not listen to and [br]respect what others feel,

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violates other people's boundaries.

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It is as simple as that.

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Practice feeling how things feel.

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Listen to how you feel. [br]Listen to your emotions.

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Because your feelings and your [br]emotions are the indication

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of what your boundaries are.

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It is very important that you start to [br]listen to and heed those emotions,

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if you want to live the kind [br]of life that's worth living.

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If you want to enjoy [br]your experience.

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If you want to stay In alignment[br]with your own personal truth.

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But it's important to understand[br]that personal truth,

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which is what boundaries really are,

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can only be told [br]to you by you.

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Society can't tell you what [br]your boundaries are.

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Your parents can't tell you [br]what your boundaries are.

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Your friends can't tell you [br]what your boundaries are.

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Only you can know what [br]your boundaries are.

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But this is what [br]society tries to do.

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This is what your [br]friends try to do.

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This is what your [br]family tries to do.

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This is what your [br]mate tries to do.

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They try to tell you what your [br]boundaries should and shouldn't be

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or are and aren't.

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But they can't step into [br]your body feel for you.

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It is crucial that we not [br]only know who we are

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and what we really want,

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but also that we know that we [br]are known for who we are,

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and what we really [br]want, by others.

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When we are ashamed of who [br]we are and what we want

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we have poor boundaries.

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We are ashamed out of our [br]true sense of self as children,

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in order to fit [br]into the family

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and into society.

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We had to develop an identity

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that was acceptable to [br]the people around us.

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A false self.

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This is a survival strategy.

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We become the person we [br]think we're supposed to be,

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and shame the person [br]that we really are.

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How do you know if you [br]have set up a false self?

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You fear other people thinking [br]negatively of you.

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Do you know what [br]you really want?

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Do you let other people tell you[br]what to think or believe,

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or how to feel?

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Do you do things that you [br]don't really want to do,

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and say yes when you [br]really want to say no?

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Or say no when you really[br]want to say yes?

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Are you afraid to let people [br]know how you really feel?

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Are you afraid of people [br]thinking negatively of you?

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When most people think of a[br]boundary violation, they think

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of an intrusive boundary violation,

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like a rape,

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when someone does [br]something to you,

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and it's almost a towards [br]you, directional violation.

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But there are also other [br]kinds of violation.

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There is a violation that's called [br]a distancing violation as well.

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What that is, is when someone whom [br]you are close to withdraws from you.

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They cross an emotional boundary [br]going outwards, away from you.

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That is also a boundary violation,

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and it is sometimes the [br]most painful kind.

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Those of us who had [br]invalidating parents

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have a very difficult time [br]setting healthy boundaries.

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We may violate our boundaries and [br]let other people violate our boundaries

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all the time.

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We may lack them altogether.

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Here's a common scenario;

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A child begins to feel angry because [br]their parent is always working

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and never has time [br]to be with them.

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The child expresses that [br]anger and is invalidated.

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The parent says, "I spend [br]more time with you

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than any other parent I know[br]spends with their children."

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And the child is shamed[br]then, for being ungrateful.

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The child learns that the [br]way they feel is "not true,"

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and that they should be ashamed[br]for feeling the way they feel.

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Anger is not acceptable,

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so the child creates a false self[br]that cannot express anger.

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Potentially, a false self that[br]says, "thank you," all the time.

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Over time, he or she believes

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that who they really are [br]is happy and grateful.

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They have never really admitted the fact[br]that deep down, they are truly angry.

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It is hard for people [br]to set boundaries

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because, number one, we put other [br]people's needs and feelings first.

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Number two, we [br]don't know ourselves.

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Number three, we don't [br]feel as if we have rights.

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Number four, we believe that setting[br]boundaries jeopardizes the relationship,

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and number five, we never learn [br]to have healthy boundaries.

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Most of us were told [br]when we were young

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that how we felt was [br]either not how we felt,

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or was not okay to feel.

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Most of us were told that [br]what we saw, we did not see.

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Most of us were told that [br]what we think we wanted

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is not what we really wanted.

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Or that it was not okay to [br]want what we wanted.

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we lived lives where our [br]own personal truth

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was invalidated again [br]and again and again.

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This made most [br]of us feel crazy

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and as if we could [br]not trust ourselves.

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So we began to go [br]against the way we fet

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and the things we wanted [br]and in doing so,

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we did not stay [br]true to ourselves.

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this internal self betrayal is what [br]caused us to stop trusting ourselves.

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Self trust is all about boundaries.

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That's all it really is.

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If you don't trust yourself,

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you have not so good, [br]not so healthy boundaries.

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It means that you are [br]in the habitual pattern

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of abandoning your own personal [br]truth and the way you feel.

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This internal self betrayal makes [br]you feel unsafe with you.

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We don't trust ourselves when [br]we feel unsafe with ourselves.

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And who would really feel unsafe with [br]someone who abandoned them?

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That's what you've [br]been doing to you.

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No wonder you don't trust yourself.

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We feel unsafe with ourselves [br]when we watch ourselves

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make decisions that [br]don't feel good.

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Or act in a way that doesn't [br]represent our true selves.

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When we ignore the [br]way we really feel,

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and abandon our personal truth,

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we become in essence, [br]untrustworthy to ourselves.

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The only way to begin [br]trusting yourself,

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is to learn how to tune [br]back in to how you feel

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and to honor how [br]you truely feel.

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Maintaining a false self by [br]denying who we truly are,

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denying what we truly want,

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denying how we truly feel,

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is a barrier to intimacy.

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We cannot have good relationships [br]with other people,

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because our false selves [br]become like a mask,

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a mask that we won't [br]let anyone past.

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Much more than that,

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it's a mask we won't [br]let ourselves past.

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We become convinced [br]that the mask is us.

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it takes over our personality, [br]it takes over our identity,

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it takes over our sense of self,

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to the degree where we have no [br]idea who we are, what we want...

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We're confused, we're [br]blundering through life.

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To have intimacy, to have a [br]deep relationship with someone,

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is to let the truth, the full, total, [br]unrestricted truth of who you are,

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meet someone else [br]at the heart center.

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You can't do that when there's a [br]mask in between you and them.

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We want someone in [br]our lives, desperately,

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that understands how we feel.

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But we don't even [br]understand how we feel.

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We wind up having a relationship [br]of convenience with ourselves.

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We only listen to our [br]own personal truth

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when it doesn't cause [br]trouble or difficulty.

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We don't realize that we are [br]causing the very difficulty

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that we are trying to avoid

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by not listening to our [br]feelings a personal truth,

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all the time, regardless of whether [br]it causes difficulty or not.

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The bottom line is:

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It is impossible to [br]know who you are,

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and what you like,[br]and what you believe,

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and what you want, [br]

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unless you know exactly [br]how you feel.

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People must have [br]healthy boundaries,

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in order to have [br]healthy relationships.

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That's the only way you're going [br]to get into a relationship,

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and not lose yourself completely.

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So how does this [br]idea of boundaries

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fit into the idea that [br]we live in a universe,

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in and of a universe, [br]which is all one?

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It seems like a contradiction, [br]but not so fast.

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If I am embracing [br]what I truly am,

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what I truly want,[br]what I truly need,

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what I truly feel,

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I am embracing the unique [br]expression of source energy

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that I truly am.

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I am actually more in alignment [br]with a universe that is one,

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than if I am losing my boundaries.

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Because I am denying the [br]true expression of myself

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as an extension of source.

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In other words, I am embracing the [br]unique expression of source that I am,

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rather than seeing myself as separate [br]from others or from source.

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And so, personal boundaries are [br]not a contradiction to spirituality.

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We are simply using [br]the word boundary

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which we associate with resistance.

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~ giggles ~

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In one sense, to [br]have boundaries

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you have to differentiate [br]between yourself,

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and between the [br]rest of the world.

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But we don't really have to [br]worry about doing this, do we?

0:12:49.179,0:12:51.209
Because our physical [br]brains do it for us.

0:12:51.209,0:12:53.729
The minute you come down [br]into a physical experience,

0:12:53.729,0:12:55.159
as a physical human,

0:12:55.159,0:12:57.139
your experience will tell you

0:12:57.139,0:12:59.679
that you are separate from [br]the rest of the universe.

0:12:59.679,0:13:03.889
So it doesn't take much thought [br]to see yourself as a self.

0:13:05.009,0:13:08.056
It was always the plan for you [br]to experience a separate self,

0:13:08.056,0:13:10.596
because this perspective [br]serves the expansion

0:13:10.596,0:13:13.706
of the universe's own[br]process of self- awareness.

0:13:14.017,0:13:17.417
So we all already do experience [br]a self and other.

0:13:17.417,0:13:20.047
This perspective creates a [br]good deal of unhappiness,

0:13:20.047,0:13:23.707
until we allow ourselves to go in the [br]direction of individual happiness.

0:13:23.707,0:13:26.787
Which ultimately leads to our [br]discovery that we're all one,

0:13:26.787,0:13:29.297
and that whatever serves [br]our individual happiness,

0:13:29.297,0:13:31.347
serves all else that is.

0:13:31.347,0:13:34.097
But here's the thing [br]that really matters.

0:13:34.097,0:13:38.447
A boundary is not about resisting [br]what you do not want.

0:13:38.447,0:13:42.837
This is why most people see [br]boundaries as unhealthy.

0:13:42.837,0:13:45.407
because we associate [br]them with resistance.

0:13:45.407,0:13:47.717
And I can tell you that [br]if you're in resistance

0:13:47.717,0:13:49.587
to something that is unwanted,

0:13:49.587,0:13:51.367
Then you are not in alignment.

0:13:51.367,0:13:53.197
And that's not a [br]healthy boundary.

0:13:53.197,0:13:55.437
It's an unhealthy boundary.

0:13:55.767,0:13:58.127
So the people who walk [br]through this world

0:13:58.127,0:14:01.167
having resistance to people [br]violating them in any way,

0:14:01.167,0:14:03.427
are not a measure of health.

0:14:03.427,0:14:05.607
they're a measure [br]of unhealth.

0:14:05.607,0:14:07.857
Those people are focussed [br]on what is unwanted.

0:14:07.857,0:14:09.637
Pushing against [br]what is unwanted.

0:14:09.637,0:14:12.527
their boundaries are erected [br]to keep out what is unwanted.

0:14:12.527,0:14:15.417
Their boundaries don't [br]exist to keep them happy.

0:14:15.417,0:14:17.677
They only think they do.

0:14:17.677,0:14:21.677
It is as unhealthy to have [br]resistance towards violation,

0:14:21.677,0:14:23.797
that could be imposed [br]on you by the world,

0:14:23.797,0:14:25.607
as it is to have no boundaries,

0:14:25.607,0:14:28.287
and let the world constantly [br]trespass on your reality.

0:14:28.287,0:14:30.777
People who build walls [br]against intimacy,

0:14:30.777,0:14:33.747
are not exhibiting healthy boundaries.

0:14:33.747,0:14:36.137
They are in resistance [br]to the world.

0:14:36.137,0:14:38.537
An unhealthy boundary [br]pushes against the world

0:14:38.537,0:14:40.997
and tells others how they [br]can and can't behave.

0:14:40.997,0:14:43.347
But we have no control [br]over how they behave.

0:14:43.347,0:14:45.027
And what they do [br]and don't do.

0:14:45.027,0:14:48.467
We only have control over [br]what we do and don't do.

0:14:49.157,0:14:51.897
So healthy boundaries, [br]unlike most boundaries,

0:14:51.897,0:14:54.227
we're used to, such [br]as fences or rules,

0:14:54.227,0:14:56.307
are non resistant in nature,

0:14:56.307,0:14:59.117
and thus they're in [br]alignment with oneness.

0:14:59.117,0:15:01.297
Healthy boundaries are [br]not about controlling

0:15:01.297,0:15:03.497
what other people can [br]and can't do to you,

0:15:03.497,0:15:05.827
They are entirely about [br]you personally defining

0:15:05.827,0:15:08.497
and then following your [br]individual sense of happiness

0:15:08.497,0:15:10.787
and desires, and personal truth.

0:15:10.787,0:15:14.657
It is a state of self- awareness, [br]integrity, and self love.

0:15:14.657,0:15:16.757
You can't have any [br]of those things

0:15:16.757,0:15:18.557
if you are pushing [br]against the world,

0:15:18.557,0:15:21.397
and you can't have them if [br]you are letting the world define

0:15:21.397,0:15:23.557
who you are, what you [br]want and how you feel.

0:15:23.557,0:15:25.987
Having a healthy sense of [br]self serves not only you,

0:15:25.987,0:15:27.197
but also the universe.

0:15:27.197,0:15:30.517
And ultimately your happiness is, [br]everyone else's happiness as well,

0:15:30.517,0:15:32.557
because we're all one.

0:15:33.211,0:15:35.751
I want you to engage [br]in an activity for me.

0:15:35.751,0:15:38.571
Take out a piece of [br]paper and a pen,

0:15:38.571,0:15:41.871
and write down ten things that [br]you are the most unhappy about

0:15:41.871,0:15:43.751
in your current reality.

0:15:44.317,0:15:47.707
Maybe they're things that people [br]are doing to you that you don't like,

0:15:47.707,0:15:50.607
maybe it's just a situation [br]that you're not enjoying.

0:15:50.607,0:15:53.567
Then relative to this list,[br]I want you to ask yourself:

0:15:53.567,0:15:58.637
"Are there any boundaries that [br]I am crossing in this experience

0:15:58.637,0:16:02.407
which is giving rise to this [br]negative emotion that I have?"

0:16:02.777,0:16:06.617
"How do I really feel [br]about these experiences

0:16:06.617,0:16:10.527
or these things, items, that [br]I've written down on this list?"

0:16:10.832,0:16:12.482
An example may be:

0:16:12.482,0:16:15.552
" My spouse watches the television [br]after coming home from work

0:16:15.552,0:16:16.952
and ignores me."

0:16:16.952,0:16:18.992
"This makes me feel [br]rejected and unloved.

0:16:18.992,0:16:21.462
Like a void of loneliness [br]is welling up inside me."

0:16:21.462,0:16:24.142
"By doing this he is violating [br]an emotional boundary,

0:16:24.142,0:16:27.232
because I'm not ok with [br]people treating me like this."

0:16:27.232,0:16:31.102
"So I am going to write him a [br]letter, expressing how I feel."

0:16:31.102,0:16:33.702
This last part is especially crucial.

0:16:33.702,0:16:35.422
It's an action step.

0:16:35.422,0:16:37.552
It's you deciding what [br]it's going to take

0:16:37.552,0:16:41.552
for you to pull yourself back into [br]alignment with your personal truth.

0:16:41.552,0:16:44.642
And to honor how [br]you feel now.

0:16:45.312,0:16:49.262
It's crucial to make changes [br]based on how you really feel.

0:16:49.497,0:16:52.107
To decide specific [br]actions you can take.

0:16:52.287,0:16:55.497
Self expression is paramount [br]in this circumstance.

0:16:55.738,0:16:58.018
In this case, you may [br]decide to say no

0:16:58.018,0:17:00.218
next time someone asks [br]you to do something.

0:17:00.218,0:17:01.698
Maybe you'll make [br]a phone call

0:17:01.698,0:17:03.698
and back out of a [br]commitment you made.

0:17:03.698,0:17:05.998
Maybe you'll set a boundary [br]by saying something

0:17:05.998,0:17:07.528
to the next time [br]they hurt you.

0:17:07.528,0:17:10.628
Such as: "Please don't derail my [br]efforts to give up smoking,

0:17:10.628,0:17:12.708
or remind me how [br]many times I failed.

0:17:12.708,0:17:16.708
Or, you could assert a boundary [br]by asserting a positive request.

0:17:16.708,0:17:20.298
Such as: " I'd really appreciate your [br]help to succeed this time."

0:17:20.439,0:17:23.409
I want you to remember [br]that as time goes on,

0:17:23.409,0:17:25.479
your boundaries will [br]be reassessed.

0:17:25.479,0:17:27.359
Boundaries aren't [br]meant to be static,

0:17:27.359,0:17:29.379
they're meant to be [br]constantly evolving.

0:17:29.379,0:17:31.379
Maybe as things [br]change in your life,

0:17:31.379,0:17:34.509
maybe a new relationship, or [br]a new baby in the house,

0:17:34.509,0:17:36.739
you'll have to reassess [br]your boundaries.

0:17:36.739,0:17:40.099
Because your feelings relative to [br]what you want to do and not do,

0:17:40.099,0:17:41.919
are going to change.

0:17:41.919,0:17:43.529
Allow this to happen.

0:17:43.529,0:17:45.959
Your boundaries will change [br]throughout your life.

0:17:45.959,0:17:49.289
But it's very important that [br]as your boundaries change,

0:17:49.289,0:17:51.509
They change according [br]to your feelings.

0:17:51.509,0:17:54.229
Not according to how other [br]people think you should feel.

0:17:54.229,0:17:55.889
Or change.

0:17:55.889,0:18:00.959
We can rehabilitate each other [br]relative to boundaries, as well.

0:18:00.959,0:18:02.839
And it's very easy.

0:18:02.839,0:18:04.599
Just remember this:

0:18:04.599,0:18:07.049
Whenever you're in a [br]conversation with someone,

0:18:07.049,0:18:12.409
stop and tell them that you want [br]them to tell you exactly how they feel,

0:18:12.409,0:18:15.649
without being afraid of how [br]you're going to respond.

0:18:15.649,0:18:18.259
Reassure them that [br]what you really want

0:18:18.259,0:18:21.649
is for them to stay in alignment [br]with how they truly feel.

0:18:21.649,0:18:23.689
And what they truly want.

0:18:23.689,0:18:26.169
This gives them permission [br]to be themselves,

0:18:26.169,0:18:30.169
and to actually define their boundaries, [br]when they're in your presence.

0:18:30.169,0:18:32.299
Think about what kind [br]of world this would be

0:18:32.299,0:18:35.039
if we were all giving each other [br]this kind of permission.

0:18:35.039,0:18:37.589
Instead of walking around [br]trying to tell other people

0:18:37.589,0:18:39.809
what their boundaries [br]should and shouldn't be.

0:18:39.809,0:18:42.289
The bottom line is, if we [br]want to live happy lives,

0:18:42.289,0:18:44.759
and make the right choices [br]for ourselves personally

0:18:44.759,0:18:47.389
we need to know how we feel, [br]admit to how we feel,

0:18:47.389,0:18:49.209
and express how we feel.

0:18:49.209,0:18:53.469
Developing boundaries is a crucial [br]part of finding our true selves.

0:18:53.469,0:18:58.139
It is therefore a crucial part of [br]spiritual practice and life success.

0:18:58.438,0:19:01.018
We do not need to [br]resist others to do it,

0:19:01.018,0:19:03.038
instead we need to [br]fully allow ourselves,

0:19:03.038,0:19:06.078
and to express the truth [br]of ourselves at all times.

0:19:06.078,0:19:12.018
As I said before, defining [br]boundaries can be complicated,

0:19:12.018,0:19:14.608
until you simplify it, [br]and understand,

0:19:14.608,0:19:16.788
that your boundaries [br]are always reflected

0:19:16.788,0:19:18.778
by virtue of how you feel.

0:19:18.778,0:19:21.718
Your boundaries are no [br]different than how you feel.

0:19:22.118,0:19:24.408
If you feel like doing something,

0:19:24.408,0:19:25.908
then do it.

0:19:25.908,0:19:27.788
And you are not [br]violating a boundary.

0:19:27.788,0:19:31.028
If you feel like not doing [br]something, and you do it,

0:19:31.028,0:19:33.028
you are violating a boundary.

0:19:33.028,0:19:35.118
It is as simple as that.

0:19:35.118,0:19:40.038
As a spiritual luminary [br]my job is to offer to you

0:19:40.038,0:19:44.488
some advice for how to live [br]a life which you enjoy living.

0:19:45.068,0:19:49.378
And my number one suggestion, [br]is to follow happiness.

0:19:49.378,0:19:52.078
Which is the same as [br]following how you feel.

0:19:52.078,0:19:55.088
You can't deny who [br]you truly are.

0:19:55.088,0:19:57.078
You can't deny who [br]you truly want.

0:19:57.078,0:19:59.848
You can't deny your feelings.

0:19:59.848,0:20:05.318
Without also experiencing a [br]decrease in your level of happiness.

0:20:05.318,0:20:08.698
So the more in alignment you [br]are with your personal truth,

0:20:08.698,0:20:11.278
and the more you [br]honor your feelings,

0:20:11.278,0:20:13.658
the happier you will be.

0:20:13.658,0:20:16.078
It is my ultimate promise.

0:20:16.078,0:20:17.488
Have a good week.

0:20:52.895,0:20:55.695
Transcribed by: [br]Sasha Silverman & Tanya Duarte