WEBVTT

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Personal Boundaries vs Oneness


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Hello everyone.

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Today, I've decided
to answer a question

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that I've been getting
again and again

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for the last 2 years.

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The question is about boundaries.

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What are boundaries?

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How do I set healthy boundaries?

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And most especially how do I
rectify the idea of boundaries

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with the idea that we live
in a Universe that is all one.

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We exist in a third-dimensional
physical reality

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and thus we perceive a self.

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This gives rise to the perception
of a boundary

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i.e. a separation between ourselves
and that which we see as other.

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What are boundaries?

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Boundaries are guidelines

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for how someone relates the 
self to the rest of the world.

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They are rules of conduct

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built out of a mix
of beliefs, opinions,

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attitudes, past experiences,
and social learning.

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Personal boundaries operate
in two directions

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affecting both incoming and 
outgoing interactions between people.

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Boundaries help to define an individual
by outlining likes and dislikes

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what is right for a person personally
or wrong for them personally.

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Defining these things
helps us to know

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how we will and won't allow ourselves
to be treated by others.

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Here are some signs that you might
have unhealthy boundaries.

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Saying "no" when you mean "yes".
Or "yes" when you mean "no".

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Feeling guilty when you say "no"

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acting against your integrity or values
in order to please others.

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Not speaking up when you have 
something to say.

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Adopting another person's beliefs
or ideas so you are accepted.

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Not calling out someone who 
has mistreated you

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accepting physical touch or sex
when you don't want it.

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Allowing yourself to be interrupted or
distracted to accommodate someone else.

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or their immediate 
wants and needs.

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Giving too much just to 
be perceived as useful.

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Becoming overly involved in someone's 
problems or difficulties.

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Not defining and communicating your 
emotional needs in relationships.

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But it's important to understand
that the biggest problem

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is not that other people violate
our boundaries

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it's that we violate 
our own boundaries.

NOTE Paragraph

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When you let someone 
violate your boundaries,

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you are violating 
your own boundaries.

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You are not staying true to 
what feels good to you.

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This is self-betrayal.

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If you go against your 
personal boundaries

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you violate yourself,
you abandon yourself.

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Boundaries can get very complicated
if we were defining boundaries

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according to cerebral concepts 
of right or wrong,

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wanted or unwanted.

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Or according to boundaries other 
people think are or aren't healthy.

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After all, there are physical boundaries, 
emotional boundaries, mental boundaries,

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spiritual boundaries and 
sexual boundaries.

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So I'm going to make 
it very easy for you.

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Your boundaries are defined and 
are no different than your feelings.

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Your feelings will 
always tell you

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whether a boundary 
has been violated.

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So as long as you are listening 
to your emotions,

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you know exactly what 
your boundaries are.

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For example, if someone 
said something that hurt you

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they crossed an emotional boundary.

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You will feel hurt, 
which is your indication

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that your boundaries 
need to be reassessed.

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Or if someone asks 
you to a party,

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and you feel as if you 
don't want to go

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but you go anyway,

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you have violated 
your own boundary,

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and your emotions will reflect that to you
by making you feel negative emotion.

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This is why it is so crucial to be
in touch with how you feel

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all day every day.

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So we can think of a boundary as a line 
that uniquely defines and separates

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your personal happiness,

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your personal integrity, 
your personal desires,

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your personal needs,

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and therefore, most importantly 
your personal truth from the rest

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of the universe.

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He who does not listen to and 
respect what they themselves feel,

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violates his own boundaries.

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He who does not listen to and 
respect what others feel,

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violates other people's boundaries.

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It is as simple as that.

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Practice feeling how things feel.

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Listen to how you feel. 
Listen to your emotions.

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Because your feelings and your 
emotions are the indication

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of what your boundaries are.

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It is very important that you start to 
listen to and heed those emotions,

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if you want to live the kind 
of life that's worth living.

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If you want to enjoy 
your experience.

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If you want to stay In alignment
with your own personal truth.

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But it's important to understand
that personal truth,

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which is what boundaries really are,

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can only be told 
to you by you.

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Society can't tell you what 
your boundaries are.

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Your parents can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

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Your friends can't tell you 
what your boundaries are.

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Only you can know what 
your boundaries are.

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But this is what 
society tries to do.

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This is what your 
friends try to do.

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This is what your 
family tries to do.

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This is what your 
mate tries to do.

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They try to tell you what your 
boundaries should and shouldn't be

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or are and aren't.

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But they can't step into 
your body feel for you.

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It is crucial that we not 
only know who we are

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and what we really want,

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but also that we know that we 
are known for who we are,

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and what we really 
want, by others.

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When we are ashamed of who 
we are and what we want

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we have poor boundaries.

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We are ashamed out of our 
true sense of self as children,

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in order to fit 
into the family

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and into society.

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We had to develop an identity

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that was acceptable to 
the people around us.

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A false self.

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This is a survival strategy.

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We become the person we 
think we're supposed to be,

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and shame the person 
that we really are.

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How do you know if you 
have set up a false self?

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You fear other people thinking 
negatively of you.

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Do you know what 
you really want?

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Do you let other people tell you
what to think or believe,

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or how to feel?

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Do you do things that you 
don't really want to do,

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and say yes when you 
really want to say no?

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Or say no when you really
want to say yes?

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Are you afraid to let people 
know how you really feel?

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Are you afraid of people 
thinking negatively of you?

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When most people think of a
boundary violation, they think

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of an intrusive boundary violation,

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like a rape,

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when someone does 
something to you,

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and it's almost a towards 
you, directional violation.

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But there are also other 
kinds of violation.

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There is a violation that's called 
a distancing violation as well.

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What that is, is when someone whom 
you are close to withdraws from you.

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They cross an emotional boundary 
going outwards, away from you.

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That is also a boundary violation,

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and it is sometimes the 
most painful kind.

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Those of us who had 
invalidating parents

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have a very difficult time 
setting healthy boundaries.

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We may violate our boundaries and 
let other people violate our boundaries

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all the time.

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We may lack them altogether.

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Here's a common scenario;

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A child begins to feel angry because 
their parent is always working

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and never has time 
to be with them.

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The child expresses that 
anger and is invalidated.

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The parent says, "I spend 
more time with you

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than any other parent I know
spends with their children."

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And the child is shamed
then, for being ungrateful.

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The child learns that the 
way they feel is "not true,"

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and that they should be ashamed
for feeling the way they feel.

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Anger is not acceptable,

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so the child creates a false self
that cannot express anger.

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Potentially, a false self that
says, "thank you," all the time.

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Over time, he or she believes

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that who they really are 
is happy and grateful.

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They have never really admitted the fact
that deep down, they are truly angry.

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It is hard for people 
to set boundaries

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because, number one, we put other 
people's needs and feelings first.

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Number two, we 
don't know ourselves.

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Number three, we don't 
feel as if we have rights.

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Number four, we believe that setting
boundaries jeopardizes the relationship,

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and number five, we never learn 
to have healthy boundaries.

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Most of us were told 
when we were young

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that how we felt was 
either not how we felt,

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or was not okay to feel.

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Most of us were told that 
what we saw, we did not see.

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Most of us were told that 
what we think we wanted

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is not what we really wanted.

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Or that it was not okay to 
want what we wanted.

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we lived lives where our 
own personal truth

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was invalidated again 
and again and again.

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This made most 
of us feel crazy

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and as if we could 
not trust ourselves.

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So we began to go 
against the way we fet

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and the things we wanted 
and in doing so,

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we did not stay 
true to ourselves.

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this internal self betrayal is what 
caused us to stop trusting ourselves.

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Self trust is all about boundaries.

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That's all it really is.

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If you don't trust yourself,

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you have not so good, 
not so healthy boundaries.

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It means that you are 
in the habitual pattern

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of abandoning your own personal 
truth and the way you feel.

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This internal self betrayal makes 
you feel unsafe with you.

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We don't trust ourselves when 
we feel unsafe with ourselves.

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And who would really feel unsafe with 
someone who abandoned them?

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That's what you've 
been doing to you.

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No wonder you don't trust yourself.

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We feel unsafe with ourselves 
when we watch ourselves

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make decisions that 
don't feel good.

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Or act in a way that doesn't 
represent our true selves.

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When we ignore the 
way we really feel,

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and abandon our personal truth,

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we become in essence, 
untrustworthy to ourselves.

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The only way to begin 
trusting yourself,

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is to learn how to tune 
back in to how you feel

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and to honor how 
you truely feel.

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Maintaining a false self by 
denying who we truly are,

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denying what we truly want,

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denying how we truly feel,

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is a barrier to intimacy.

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We cannot have good relationships 
with other people,

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because our false selves 
become like a mask,

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a mask that we won't 
let anyone past.

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Much more than that,

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it's a mask we won't 
let ourselves past.

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We become convinced 
that the mask is us.

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it takes over our personality, 
it takes over our identity,

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it takes over our sense of self,

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to the degree where we have no 
idea who we are, what we want...

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We're confused, we're 
blundering through life.

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To have intimacy, to have a 
deep relationship with someone,

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is to let the truth, the full, total, 
unrestricted truth of who you are,

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meet someone else 
at the heart center.

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You can't do that when there's a 
mask in between you and them.

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We want someone in 
our lives, desperately,

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that understands how we feel.

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But we don't even 
understand how we feel.

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We wind up having a relationship 
of convenience with ourselves.

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We only listen to our 
own personal truth

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when it doesn't cause 
trouble or difficulty.

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We don't realize that we are 
causing the very difficulty

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that we are trying to avoid

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by not listening to our 
feelings a personal truth,

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all the time, regardless of whether 
it causes difficulty or not.

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The bottom line is:

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It is impossible to 
know who you are,

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and what you like,
and what you believe,

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and what you want, 


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unless you know exactly 
how you feel.

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People must have 
healthy boundaries,

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in order to have 
healthy relationships.

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That's the only way you're going 
to get into a relationship,

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and not lose yourself completely.

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So how does this 
idea of boundaries

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fit into the idea that 
we live in a universe,

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in and of a universe, 
which is all one?

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It seems like a contradiction, 
but not so fast.

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If I am embracing 
what I truly am,

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what I truly want,
what I truly need,

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what I truly feel,

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I am embracing the unique 
expression of source energy

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that I truly am.

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I am actually more in alignment 
with a universe that is one,

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than if I am losing my boundaries.

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Because I am denying the 
true expression of myself

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as an extension of source.

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In other words, I am embracing the 
unique expression of source that I am,

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rather than seeing myself as separate 
from others or from source.

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And so, personal boundaries are 
not a contradiction to spirituality.

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We are simply using 
the word boundary

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which we associate with resistance.

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~ giggles ~

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In one sense, to 
have boundaries

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you have to differentiate 
between yourself,

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and between the 
rest of the world.

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But we don't really have to 
worry about doing this, do we?

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Because our physical 
brains do it for us.

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The minute you come down 
into a physical experience,

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as a physical human,

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your experience will tell you

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that you are separate from 
the rest of the universe.

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So it doesn't take much thought 
to see yourself as a self.

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It was always the plan for you 
to experience a separate self,

00:13:08.056 --> 00:13:10.596
because this perspective 
serves the expansion

00:13:10.596 --> 00:13:13.706
of the universe's own
process of self- awareness.

00:13:14.017 --> 00:13:17.417
So we all already do experience 
a self and other.

00:13:17.417 --> 00:13:20.047
This perspective creates a 
good deal of unhappiness,

00:13:20.047 --> 00:13:23.707
until we allow ourselves to go in the 
direction of individual happiness.

00:13:23.707 --> 00:13:26.787
Which ultimately leads to our 
discovery that we're all one,

00:13:26.787 --> 00:13:29.297
and that whatever serves 
our individual happiness,

00:13:29.297 --> 00:13:31.347
serves all else that is.

00:13:31.347 --> 00:13:34.097
But here's the thing 
that really matters.

00:13:34.097 --> 00:13:38.447
A boundary is not about resisting 
what you do not want.

00:13:38.447 --> 00:13:42.837
This is why most people see 
boundaries as unhealthy.

00:13:42.837 --> 00:13:45.407
because we associate 
them with resistance.

00:13:45.407 --> 00:13:47.717
And I can tell you that 
if you're in resistance

00:13:47.717 --> 00:13:49.587
to something that is unwanted,

00:13:49.587 --> 00:13:51.367
Then you are not in alignment.

00:13:51.367 --> 00:13:53.197
And that's not a 
healthy boundary.

00:13:53.197 --> 00:13:55.437
It's an unhealthy boundary.

00:13:55.767 --> 00:13:58.127
So the people who walk 
through this world

00:13:58.127 --> 00:14:01.167
having resistance to people 
violating them in any way,

00:14:01.167 --> 00:14:03.427
are not a measure of health.

00:14:03.427 --> 00:14:05.607
they're a measure 
of unhealth.

00:14:05.607 --> 00:14:07.857
Those people are focussed 
on what is unwanted.

00:14:07.857 --> 00:14:09.637
Pushing against 
what is unwanted.

00:14:09.637 --> 00:14:12.527
their boundaries are erected 
to keep out what is unwanted.

00:14:12.527 --> 00:14:15.417
Their boundaries don't 
exist to keep them happy.

00:14:15.417 --> 00:14:17.677
They only think they do.

00:14:17.677 --> 00:14:21.677
It is as unhealthy to have 
resistance towards violation,

00:14:21.677 --> 00:14:23.797
that could be imposed 
on you by the world,

00:14:23.797 --> 00:14:25.607
as it is to have no boundaries,

00:14:25.607 --> 00:14:28.287
and let the world constantly 
trespass on your reality.

00:14:28.287 --> 00:14:30.777
People who build walls 
against intimacy,

00:14:30.777 --> 00:14:33.747
are not exhibiting healthy boundaries.

00:14:33.747 --> 00:14:36.137
They are in resistance 
to the world.

00:14:36.137 --> 00:14:38.537
An unhealthy boundary 
pushes against the world

00:14:38.537 --> 00:14:40.997
and tells others how they 
can and can't behave.

00:14:40.997 --> 00:14:43.347
But we have no control 
over how they behave.

00:14:43.347 --> 00:14:45.027
And what they do 
and don't do.

00:14:45.027 --> 00:14:48.467
We only have control over 
what we do and don't do.

00:14:49.157 --> 00:14:51.897
So healthy boundaries, 
unlike most boundaries,

00:14:51.897 --> 00:14:54.227
we're used to, such 
as fences or rules,

00:14:54.227 --> 00:14:56.307
are non resistant in nature,

00:14:56.307 --> 00:14:59.117
and thus they're in 
alignment with oneness.

00:14:59.117 --> 00:15:01.297
Healthy boundaries are 
not about controlling

00:15:01.297 --> 00:15:03.497
what other people can 
and can't do to you,

00:15:03.497 --> 00:15:05.827
They are entirely about 
you personally defining

00:15:05.827 --> 00:15:08.497
and then following your 
individual sense of happiness

00:15:08.497 --> 00:15:10.787
and desires, and personal truth.

00:15:10.787 --> 00:15:14.657
It is a state of self- awareness, 
integrity, and self love.

00:15:14.657 --> 00:15:16.757
You can't have any 
of those things

00:15:16.757 --> 00:15:18.557
if you are pushing 
against the world,

00:15:18.557 --> 00:15:21.397
and you can't have them if 
you are letting the world define

00:15:21.397 --> 00:15:23.557
who you are, what you 
want and how you feel.

00:15:23.557 --> 00:15:25.987
Having a healthy sense of 
self serves not only you,

00:15:25.987 --> 00:15:27.197
but also the universe.

00:15:27.197 --> 00:15:30.517
And ultimately your happiness is, 
everyone else's happiness as well,

00:15:30.517 --> 00:15:32.557
because we're all one.

00:15:33.211 --> 00:15:35.751
I want you to engage 
in an activity for me.

00:15:35.751 --> 00:15:38.571
Take out a piece of 
paper and a pen,

00:15:38.571 --> 00:15:41.871
and write down ten things that 
you are the most unhappy about

00:15:41.871 --> 00:15:43.751
in your current reality.

00:15:44.317 --> 00:15:47.707
Maybe they're things that people 
are doing to you that you don't like,

00:15:47.707 --> 00:15:50.607
maybe it's just a situation 
that you're not enjoying.

00:15:50.607 --> 00:15:53.567
Then relative to this list,
I want you to ask yourself:

00:15:53.567 --> 00:15:58.637
"Are there any boundaries that 
I am crossing in this experience

00:15:58.637 --> 00:16:02.407
which is giving rise to this 
negative emotion that I have?"

00:16:02.777 --> 00:16:06.617
"How do I really feel 
about these experiences

00:16:06.617 --> 00:16:10.527
or these things, items, that 
I've written down on this list?"

00:16:10.832 --> 00:16:12.482
An example may be:

00:16:12.482 --> 00:16:15.552
" My spouse watches the television 
after coming home from work

00:16:15.552 --> 00:16:16.952
and ignores me."

00:16:16.952 --> 00:16:18.992
"This makes me feel 
rejected and unloved.

00:16:18.992 --> 00:16:21.462
Like a void of loneliness 
is welling up inside me."

00:16:21.462 --> 00:16:24.142
"By doing this he is violating 
an emotional boundary,

00:16:24.142 --> 00:16:27.232
because I'm not ok with 
people treating me like this."

00:16:27.232 --> 00:16:31.102
"So I am going to write him a 
letter, expressing how I feel."

00:16:31.102 --> 00:16:33.702
This last part is especially crucial.

00:16:33.702 --> 00:16:35.422
It's an action step.

00:16:35.422 --> 00:16:37.552
It's you deciding what 
it's going to take

00:16:37.552 --> 00:16:41.552
for you to pull yourself back into 
alignment with your personal truth.

00:16:41.552 --> 00:16:44.642
And to honor how 
you feel now.

00:16:45.312 --> 00:16:49.262
It's crucial to make changes 
based on how you really feel.

00:16:49.497 --> 00:16:52.107
To decide specific 
actions you can take.

00:16:52.287 --> 00:16:55.497
Self expression is paramount 
in this circumstance.

00:16:55.738 --> 00:16:58.018
In this case, you may 
decide to say no

00:16:58.018 --> 00:17:00.218
next time someone asks 
you to do something.

00:17:00.218 --> 00:17:01.698
Maybe you'll make 
a phone call

00:17:01.698 --> 00:17:03.698
and back out of a 
commitment you made.

00:17:03.698 --> 00:17:05.998
Maybe you'll set a boundary 
by saying something

00:17:05.998 --> 00:17:07.528
to the next time 
they hurt you.

00:17:07.528 --> 00:17:10.628
Such as: "Please don't derail my 
efforts to give up smoking,

00:17:10.628 --> 00:17:12.708
or remind me how 
many times I failed.

00:17:12.708 --> 00:17:16.708
Or, you could assert a boundary 
by asserting a positive request.

00:17:16.708 --> 00:17:20.298
Such as: " I'd really appreciate your 
help to succeed this time."

00:17:20.439 --> 00:17:23.409
I want you to remember 
that as time goes on,

00:17:23.409 --> 00:17:25.479
your boundaries will 
be reassessed.

00:17:25.479 --> 00:17:27.359
Boundaries aren't 
meant to be static,

00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:29.379
they're meant to be 
constantly evolving.

00:17:29.379 --> 00:17:31.379
Maybe as things 
change in your life,

00:17:31.379 --> 00:17:34.509
maybe a new relationship, or 
a new baby in the house,

00:17:34.509 --> 00:17:36.739
you'll have to reassess 
your boundaries.

00:17:36.739 --> 00:17:40.099
Because your feelings relative to 
what you want to do and not do,

00:17:40.099 --> 00:17:41.919
are going to change.

00:17:41.919 --> 00:17:43.529
Allow this to happen.

00:17:43.529 --> 00:17:45.959
Your boundaries will change 
throughout your life.

00:17:45.959 --> 00:17:49.289
But it's very important that 
as your boundaries change,

00:17:49.289 --> 00:17:51.509
They change according 
to your feelings.

00:17:51.509 --> 00:17:54.229
Not according to how other 
people think you should feel.

00:17:54.229 --> 00:17:55.889
Or change.

00:17:55.889 --> 00:18:00.959
We can rehabilitate each other 
relative to boundaries, as well.

00:18:00.959 --> 00:18:02.839
And it's very easy.

00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:04.599
Just remember this:

00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:07.049
Whenever you're in a 
conversation with someone,

00:18:07.049 --> 00:18:12.409
stop and tell them that you want 
them to tell you exactly how they feel,

00:18:12.409 --> 00:18:15.649
without being afraid of how 
you're going to respond.

00:18:15.649 --> 00:18:18.259
Reassure them that 
what you really want

00:18:18.259 --> 00:18:21.649
is for them to stay in alignment 
with how they truly feel.

00:18:21.649 --> 00:18:23.689
And what they truly want.

00:18:23.689 --> 00:18:26.169
This gives them permission 
to be themselves,

00:18:26.169 --> 00:18:30.169
and to actually define their boundaries, 
when they're in your presence.

00:18:30.169 --> 00:18:32.299
Think about what kind 
of world this would be

00:18:32.299 --> 00:18:35.039
if we were all giving each other 
this kind of permission.

00:18:35.039 --> 00:18:37.589
Instead of walking around 
trying to tell other people

00:18:37.589 --> 00:18:39.809
what their boundaries 
should and shouldn't be.

00:18:39.809 --> 00:18:42.289
The bottom line is, if we 
want to live happy lives,

00:18:42.289 --> 00:18:44.759
and make the right choices 
for ourselves personally

00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:47.389
we need to know how we feel, 
admit to how we feel,

00:18:47.389 --> 00:18:49.209
and express how we feel.

00:18:49.209 --> 00:18:53.469
Developing boundaries is a crucial 
part of finding our true selves.

00:18:53.469 --> 00:18:58.139
It is therefore a crucial part of 
spiritual practice and life success.

00:18:58.438 --> 00:19:01.018
We do not need to 
resist others to do it,

00:19:01.018 --> 00:19:03.038
instead we need to 
fully allow ourselves,

00:19:03.038 --> 00:19:06.078
and to express the truth 
of ourselves at all times.

00:19:06.078 --> 00:19:12.018
As I said before, defining 
boundaries can be complicated,

00:19:12.018 --> 00:19:14.608
until you simplify it, 
and understand,

00:19:14.608 --> 00:19:16.788
that your boundaries 
are always reflected

00:19:16.788 --> 00:19:18.778
by virtue of how you feel.

00:19:18.778 --> 00:19:21.718
Your boundaries are no 
different than how you feel.

00:19:22.118 --> 00:19:24.408
If you feel like doing something,

00:19:24.408 --> 00:19:25.908
then do it.

00:19:25.908 --> 00:19:27.788
And you are not 
violating a boundary.

00:19:27.788 --> 00:19:31.028
If you feel like not doing 
something, and you do it,

00:19:31.028 --> 00:19:33.028
you are violating a boundary.

00:19:33.028 --> 00:19:35.118
It is as simple as that.

00:19:35.118 --> 00:19:40.038
As a spiritual luminary 
my job is to offer to you

00:19:40.038 --> 00:19:44.488
some advice for how to live 
a life which you enjoy living.

00:19:45.068 --> 00:19:49.378
And my number one suggestion, 
is to follow happiness.

00:19:49.378 --> 00:19:52.078
Which is the same as 
following how you feel.

00:19:52.078 --> 00:19:55.088
You can't deny who 
you truly are.

00:19:55.088 --> 00:19:57.078
You can't deny who 
you truly want.

00:19:57.078 --> 00:19:59.848
You can't deny your feelings.

00:19:59.848 --> 00:20:05.318
Without also experiencing a 
decrease in your level of happiness.

00:20:05.318 --> 00:20:08.698
So the more in alignment you 
are with your personal truth,

00:20:08.698 --> 00:20:11.278
and the more you 
honor your feelings,

00:20:11.278 --> 00:20:13.658
the happier you will be.

00:20:13.658 --> 00:20:16.078
It is my ultimate promise.

00:20:16.078 --> 00:20:17.488
Have a good week.

00:20:52.895 --> 00:20:55.695
Transcribed by: 
Sasha Silverman & Tanya Duarte