A Family Disrupted: Dealing with the Death of a Sibling

[sad music]

Claire: I think we just all went into
complete shock.

[sad music]

Lois: During the surgery, there was some
blood loss, but they were monitoring it.

They thought, and in the end it was too
much blood loss, and her heart stopped.

And they weren't able to get
her revived again.

Jerry: He basically went into some water
that had a very strong current,

and he lost his grip.
And the water took him.

Claire: Somebody invited him to go on a
sailboat in between Amsterdam and Holland

and Harwich, which is in Southern England.
His boat basically just never arrived.

So we are left with a lot of questions as
to what happened still.

Jerry: When I got the news, I can't really
put into words what kind of level

of devastation it was.

Lois: In my mind, I just couldn't accept
the fact that she had passed away until

I saw her body. So, they did take me to
see her, and it hit me. She was still warm

and when I touched her I just couldn't
believe it.

Jerry: While my Dad is still on the phone,
my sister is helping me with my Mom

who is pretty much out-of-control at
this point, and then I look at my Dad

and I see something in his face that I
have never seen before. It was this--

it was like life just left his face,
and it was this point of sadness

I've never seen on him.
When I saw it, I got really scared.

Claire: Originally, we'd been told he had
an 80% chance that he was alive

and he'd be found. There was just
some small mishap that had happened.

And then gradually we were down to
60, 40, 20, and then there was really

no hope that he was alive. And at that
point I think shock, just complete

numbness set in.

Lois: I wanted to be alone in my grief.
I didn't seem to want anyone around me.

And I live alone, so I headed home.
And...once I got home it started.

The complete breakdown. The tears.
I couldn't stop them. I had the shakes.

It was cold. I got into bed, and I just
shook and cried.

Jerry: I don't know how he died.
Why he died. I don't believe what they

are telling me. I'm so tired. People keep
coming in. I can barely see because of

my eyes. I'm breaking down all the time.
I can't do anything except cry.

And seeing my parents in such bad shape,
it doesn't--it is so hard to see that.

Claire: My Mom was probably the most
fragile of all of us. She's not the

healthiest person to begin with, and this
just devastated her. She had a hard time

getting up, carrying on with every day
activities. Gradually, that came back.

And I think with it some of her healing
came. Actually, she was able to care for

me as sort of a child who'd come home.
She still had me, and so she was an

excellent support to me in that regard
and hopefully, vice versa.

My father, really, he's a traditional man.
He didn't believe in showing grief.

Certainly, he'd been pretty adamant that
we wouldn't cry or show emotion publicly

during either of the memorial services for
Chris. And that pretty much carried on.

He felt that--I think he felt he was so
close to breaking apart himself that if

he saw somebody else do it that would
be the end.

Jerry: The question you get more than
anything else was 'How are you?'

'How are you doing?'

You don't even want to answer that.
You don't want to talk to them.

What do you want me to say to you.
You can't--Most people there, thank God,

didn't understand what I was going
through. A lot of my friends.

A lot of my brother's friends would come
to the house. I was friends with most of

my brother's friends. It was good to see
them because they were people that

could relate to my brother better than my
own friends could, and they were close to

me. So I loved-I was happy that they were
there, but I hated the how are you doing?

question because I could either lie to you
or I could cry so you can't talk.

Do not ask me this right now.
I don't like the question.

That question is a stupid question.

Claire: Some of our closest family
friends as well.

I guess as they say,
it wasn't that they weren't there

but they didn't want to listen.
They didn't actually want to engage

with it. And so they would come and bustle
around and leave very quickly.

And it was almost like a whirlwind coming
through our lives, as opposed to bringing

the peace and security and stability
we wanted.

Lois: The funeral itself was difficult.
It was something that I guess for me

was especially difficult because six
months before Shirley died, our

mother had passed away. And this was
bringing back memories of Shirley and I

being there for our mother's funeral.
And I didn't realize that six months

after burying my mother, that I would
be burying my sister.

Jerry: My mom, she didn't get better.
She was pretty much bedridden.

She couldn't get out of bed ever.
She spent all day in there.

She cried literally all day, and we take
turns trying to help my mom.

Seeing her in that much pain just adds
to the pain that we're in.

Lois: At the end, after the service at the
grave, I was the last to leave.

And I didn't want to leave.
I felt I was leaving her behind, but...

of course one had to go. So, again
I was invited to go back with everyone

to meet with some people at the house
who were from out-of-town that were

coming, but I really didn't want to do
that so I didn't. I just said I needed to

be alone. But I think that's me as a
person. I just wanted to grieve

...by myself.

Claire: Certainly my relationship
with my parents has changed pretty

dramatically since Chris's death.

I think my mom particularly it has
effected her greatly.

She's lost actually two kids now,
and I am the one that's left.

And she gets very scared for me.

Jerry: Where my family is now since
my brother died is it is in an

interesting place. My mom has more
fear than I wish she would towards me.

She doesn't want me to do anything.
It is just maternal instinct.

She doesn't like it when I do things like
snowboard. Anything where there is

any risk what so ever. I try hard to
understand that. I know where she is

coming from, but at the same time,
I can't just stop living. If anything,

for my brother. That would destroy
him if he knew I stopped living

when he died.

Claire: In my mind, they are kind of
excessively afraid for me sometimes.

And they have to let me go because
I have to live my own life.

On the same hand, I cannot make it
all okay for them. They have to find

their own friends. And I don't think
you can ever fill the gap of the loss

of Chris, but you can find new
experiences you might not have had.

Maybe search out new friendship
groups to fulfill some of those social

support needs that you now have.
So, I guess I'd say we are a lot closer,

and we look after each other a lot
more, but at the same point, it is

something we are continuing negotiating.

Jerry: If my mom, dad and sister went
somewhere and they are a couple hours

late now the worst scenario runs
through my head. And I feel so

uncomfortable because I think what
would I do if I lost them?

It puts me in an even worse place
because I lost my brother.

I know what it feels like.
If I lost the rest of them I don't think

I can live through it. That's how I feel
about it. I need them, and I hope...

I think they know that. I don't express it
as much as I'd like to but I try to.

Lois: I just it is hard to express the
words that I felt inside.

That I guess I wasn't alone
'cause after the loss of my parents

and Shirley, I felt I was very alone.
In the sense that I had lost my

immediate family but Jenelle and
Lindsey and Ken kept saying you know

that we are together. We are family.
And we are going to be there

for each other.
So, that means a lot to me.

Claire: Anger. I feel a lot of anger.
Sometimes I think I really gotten

control of that. Sometimes it springs up.
I was saying that this has been the sixth

anniversary of his death and oh...
I felt the anger again.

I feel angry that he depended on people
and they let him down.

That he went into life into an experience
trusting that nothing could go wrong.

And that really was human error and
a bit of chance that almost seemed to

have conspired against him.
I can remember this distinctly

waking up in the middle of the night
about a week after he'd gone missing

and thinking that he was or he had been
calling for me. And that he'd been hoping

that I would be there. That I would come,
and maybe even believing that we would.

Even though realistically there was no
way we could have changed the event.

I have felt a lot of guilt thinking he was
waiting for me and I didn't come and that

somehow telepathically I should
have known 'cause frankly I didn't

have any sign that he was, that there was
something wrong. I had no inkling.

I was going along pretty happy in my life,
and the news of his disappearance came as

a complete shock.

Jerry: So when this happened I wasn't
angry but I wanted to blame God to some

level because you know everyone is saying
this is God's will.

They want the better people yada yada ya.
I don't want to be angry at him.

I don't lose faith. I still think...
I know he's there, but I don't want to be

angry with him. So I am using all my faith
and power not to hate God

for taking my brother.

Claire: I do feel sort of angry at Chris
himself because he's left behind so much

distress. I know he never would have
intended, and I know that where ever he

is I am sure he's walking out with
less in terms of the pain we still feel

and the loneliness for him and the
sadness. Sometimes I feel angry.

Why did he have to go on that boat?
Why did he always have to be so

adventurous? Why when I needed him
wasn't he there? 'Cause I really needed

him to actually understand and deal
with his death. It sort of just this crazy

experience that just when you need
the person who means that much to you.

Claire: The advice that I'd give to
somebody who is recently lost a

a brother. I think it would be to
be very gentle with yourself.

Not to minimize the experience or the
loss that you've had cause certainly

there is a lot of focus on parents' loss
and it is a tremendous loss to parents

no doubt about it. But the loss of a
siblings, that person you've grown up

with who has shared all those little
things in life that you have.

That loss is profound.

Jerry: With people that knew him,
I like to talk about him.

I am fortunate that one of his best
friends is my neighbor, and she is a

big talker. She loves to talk.
So it is easy to talk to her about it.

And she is right there to talk,
and that helps.

Claire: In my case, I think we had some
people come by and sort of suggest that

I needed to slow down and in a very
quiet, a very gentle way, but in a way

that made me stop and think.

Lois: There is no shortcuts that you--
I feel you have to grieve.

You have to let the pain--You have to
go where the pain is.

Not to ignore your feelings or perhaps,
you might think I am not going to think

about that or look at her picture because
it brings too much pain.

And I found that is the way you heal
is by going and facing the pain and the

grief and letting it come out.

Claire: I think another thing we found
really helpful were resource books.

And I think the reading and the books
out there were the way we could

each uniquely find a different approach
to understanding grief.

My father had to go to philosophical
understandings of grief.

Mine were mostly stories is what helped
me and then my mom seemed to get into

more of the spiritual.

Lois: I feel that you have to be there
for one another. Life is short on this

Earth so if you can find the good in
every day and to realize how lucky

you are to be here. And don't waste it.
Don't waste your time.

Jerry: I hope I don't forget Jamie.
I don't think I will. I made a little

scrap book. Not for anybody else.
Just for me. That I want to look at

whenever I feel like it. It is full
of pictures. It is full of words.

It is full of letters. It's just for me.
I don't want to forget him.

I don't think I will.

Claire: In terms of feeling connected
to Chris. There has been a big shift

in the first. I'd say in the first two years
I could hear his voice. I still remembered

his expressions and you can still actually
smell the [laugh] well, he was an athlete.

Let me say his clothes didn't always
smell sweet, but there was a lot of

tangibles that were still there that we
could rely on. And with time, those do go.

I can't hear his voice the way
I used to.

Jerry: I have dreams about him. I love it
when I have dreams about him.

They usually don't make sense.
I don't care. If he is in it then that is

great. Sometimes it is realistic.
Like he just shows up and I am going

God! Where have you been? I knew
you weren't dead.

Claire: I can picture him in my mind and
certainly he comes to me in my dreams

sometimes but some of it's a little shady.
You know it is getting a little shadier

around the edges.
I can't quite picture him.

Lois: I do talk to Shirley both in my
head and out loud.

Sometimes there is a situation going on
and I will say:

Shirley I need your help here.
I guess I believe that she is there

with me as well as my parents.
Coming today I was talking to

Shirley and my parents, asking them to
give me the strength to do this.

I feel her presence,
her spirit is with me.

I am curious what is going
to happen when I am thirty.

I hope I am still dreaming about him.

Is he still going to be twenty-four when
I am thirty? I don't know what is going

to happen. I just have to wait. I really
hope that I keep dreaming about him.

Claire: So, what I have done recently.
I guess the strategies I have is I try

to do activities that we love doing
together and really going out and

searching for them. My husband
and I have started doing adventure

racing. So, we even go off to the
mountains and do these really long

trail runs and kayaks. I just know that
although he wasn't there or he was

never actually there with us. It is
something he would have wanted to do.

He's there in spirit, and I feel really
connected to him when I do it.

Jerry: I had a dream once that I went
sailing with him. I like to sail.

My brother never has, and I know
he would love it. And in my dream

I took him sailing and that made me
feel so good when I woke up.

Just to feel as though I did take him
sailing, and he loved it.

So I don't want those things to stop ever.