WEBVTT 00:00:00.154 --> 00:00:05.973 [sad music] 00:00:05.973 --> 00:00:10.194 Claire: I think we just all went into complete shock. 00:00:10.194 --> 00:00:39.094 [sad music] 00:00:39.114 --> 00:00:45.225 Lois: During the surgery, there was some blood loss, but they were monitoring it. 00:00:45.225 --> 00:00:52.545 They thought, and in the end it was too much blood loss, and her heart stopped. 00:00:52.545 --> 00:00:55.059 And they weren't able to get her revived again. 00:00:57.656 --> 00:01:01.194 Jerry: He basically went into some water that had a very strong current, 00:01:01.199 --> 00:01:07.977 and he lost his grip. And the water took him. 00:01:10.444 --> 00:01:17.742 Claire: Somebody invited him to go on a sailboat in between Amsterdam and Holland 00:01:17.742 --> 00:01:23.884 and Harwich, which is in Southern England. His boat basically just never arrived. 00:01:23.884 --> 00:01:27.976 So we are left with a lot of questions as to what happened still. 00:01:30.376 --> 00:01:38.991 Jerry: When I got the news, I can't really put into words what kind of level 00:01:38.991 --> 00:01:41.330 of devastation it was. 00:01:41.330 --> 00:01:45.438 Lois: In my mind, I just couldn't accept the fact that she had passed away until 00:01:45.438 --> 00:01:56.851 I saw her body. So, they did take me to see her, and it hit me. She was still warm 00:01:58.531 --> 00:02:04.526 and when I touched her I just couldn't believe it. 00:02:04.526 --> 00:02:08.372 Jerry: While my Dad is still on the phone, my sister is helping me with my Mom 00:02:08.372 --> 00:02:12.930 who is pretty much out-of-control at this point, and then I look at my Dad 00:02:12.930 --> 00:02:17.675 and I see something in his face that I have never seen before. It was this-- 00:02:17.675 --> 00:02:25.550 it was like life just left his face, and it was this point of sadness 00:02:25.550 --> 00:02:29.849 I've never seen on him. When I saw it, I got really scared. 00:02:31.459 --> 00:02:36.123 Claire: Originally, we'd been told he had an 80% chance that he was alive 00:02:36.123 --> 00:02:40.063 and he'd be found. There was just some small mishap that had happened. 00:02:40.063 --> 00:02:47.733 And then gradually we were down to 60, 40, 20, and then there was really 00:02:47.733 --> 00:02:53.641 no hope that he was alive. And at that point I think shock, just complete 00:02:53.641 --> 00:02:55.280 numbness set in. 00:02:55.280 --> 00:03:01.057 Lois: I wanted to be alone in my grief. I didn't seem to want anyone around me. 00:03:01.057 --> 00:03:11.159 And I live alone, so I headed home. And...once I got home it started. 00:03:11.159 --> 00:03:18.432 The complete breakdown. The tears. I couldn't stop them. I had the shakes. 00:03:18.432 --> 00:03:24.093 It was cold. I got into bed, and I just shook and cried. 00:03:25.113 --> 00:03:27.814 Jerry: I don't know how he died. Why he died. I don't believe what they 00:03:27.814 --> 00:03:36.893 are telling me. I'm so tired. People keep coming in. I can barely see because of 00:03:36.893 --> 00:03:42.904 my eyes. I'm breaking down all the time. I can't do anything except cry. 00:03:43.584 --> 00:03:52.351 And seeing my parents in such bad shape, it doesn't--it is so hard to see that. 00:03:59.261 --> 00:04:05.445 Claire: My Mom was probably the most fragile of all of us. She's not the 00:04:05.445 --> 00:04:10.448 healthiest person to begin with, and this just devastated her. She had a hard time 00:04:10.448 --> 00:04:18.435 getting up, carrying on with every day activities. Gradually, that came back. 00:04:18.435 --> 00:04:23.726 And I think with it some of her healing came. Actually, she was able to care for 00:04:23.726 --> 00:04:30.004 me as sort of a child who'd come home. She still had me, and so she was an 00:04:30.004 --> 00:04:34.166 excellent support to me in that regard and hopefully, vice versa. 00:04:34.166 --> 00:04:48.021 My father, really, he's a traditional man. He didn't believe in showing grief. 00:04:48.021 --> 00:04:53.993 Certainly, he'd been pretty adamant that we wouldn't cry or show emotion publicly 00:04:53.993 --> 00:05:01.148 during either of the memorial services for Chris. And that pretty much carried on. 00:05:02.148 --> 00:05:10.281 He felt that--I think he felt he was so close to breaking apart himself that if 00:05:10.281 --> 00:05:12.746 he saw somebody else do it that would be the end. 00:05:12.746 --> 00:05:16.351 Jerry: The question you get more than anything else was 'How are you?' 00:05:16.351 --> 00:05:17.321 'How are you doing?' 00:05:17.321 --> 00:05:21.789 You don't even want to answer that. You don't want to talk to them. 00:05:21.789 --> 00:05:27.358 What do you want me to say to you. You can't--Most people there, thank God, 00:05:27.358 --> 00:05:30.131 didn't understand what I was going through. A lot of my friends. 00:05:30.131 --> 00:05:34.001 A lot of my brother's friends would come to the house. I was friends with most of 00:05:34.001 --> 00:05:37.004 my brother's friends. It was good to see them because they were people that 00:05:37.004 --> 00:05:43.073 could relate to my brother better than my own friends could, and they were close to 00:05:43.073 --> 00:05:46.513 me. So I loved-I was happy that they were there, but I hated the how are you doing? 00:05:46.513 --> 00:05:54.787 question because I could either lie to you or I could cry so you can't talk. 00:05:54.787 --> 00:05:58.192 Do not ask me this right now. I don't like the question. 00:05:58.192 --> 00:06:01.194 That question is a stupid question. 00:06:02.534 --> 00:06:06.269 Claire: Some of our closest family friends as well. 00:06:06.269 --> 00:06:09.779 I guess as they say, it wasn't that they weren't there 00:06:09.779 --> 00:06:12.527 but they didn't want to listen. They didn't actually want to engage 00:06:12.527 --> 00:06:18.952 with it. And so they would come and bustle around and leave very quickly. 00:06:18.952 --> 00:06:24.626 And it was almost like a whirlwind coming through our lives, as opposed to bringing 00:06:24.626 --> 00:06:28.549 the peace and security and stability we wanted. 00:06:31.069 --> 00:06:42.775 Lois: The funeral itself was difficult. It was something that I guess for me 00:06:42.775 --> 00:06:49.185 was especially difficult because six months before Shirley died, our 00:06:49.215 --> 00:06:56.977 mother had passed away. And this was bringing back memories of Shirley and I 00:06:56.977 --> 00:07:06.047 being there for our mother's funeral. And I didn't realize that six months 00:07:06.148 --> 00:07:11.076 after burying my mother, that I would be burying my sister. 00:07:16.996 --> 00:07:20.220 Jerry: My mom, she didn't get better. She was pretty much bedridden. 00:07:20.220 --> 00:07:23.681 She couldn't get out of bed ever. She spent all day in there. 00:07:23.709 --> 00:07:28.663 She cried literally all day, and we take turns trying to help my mom. 00:07:28.663 --> 00:07:32.990 Seeing her in that much pain just adds to the pain that we're in. 00:07:32.990 --> 00:07:39.757 Lois: At the end, after the service at the grave, I was the last to leave. 00:07:39.757 --> 00:07:49.970 And I didn't want to leave. I felt I was leaving her behind, but... 00:07:49.970 --> 00:07:57.977 of course one had to go. So, again I was invited to go back with everyone 00:07:57.977 --> 00:08:02.449 to meet with some people at the house who were from out-of-town that were 00:08:02.449 --> 00:08:07.390 coming, but I really didn't want to do that so I didn't. I just said I needed to 00:08:07.390 --> 00:08:14.962 be alone. But I think that's me as a person. I just wanted to grieve 00:08:14.962 --> 00:08:18.566 ...by myself. 00:08:25.085 --> 00:08:28.235 Claire: Certainly my relationship with my parents has changed pretty 00:08:28.235 --> 00:08:31.205 dramatically since Chris's death. 00:08:35.855 --> 00:08:41.995 I think my mom particularly it has effected her greatly. 00:08:41.995 --> 00:08:45.859 She's lost actually two kids now, and I am the one that's left. 00:08:45.859 --> 00:08:50.675 And she gets very scared for me. 00:08:50.675 --> 00:08:57.142 Jerry: Where my family is now since my brother died is it is in an 00:08:57.142 --> 00:09:04.357 interesting place. My mom has more fear than I wish she would towards me. 00:09:04.357 --> 00:09:07.210 She doesn't want me to do anything. It is just maternal instinct. 00:09:07.210 --> 00:09:11.351 She doesn't like it when I do things like snowboard. Anything where there is 00:09:11.351 --> 00:09:19.629 any risk what so ever. I try hard to understand that. I know where she is 00:09:19.629 --> 00:09:24.498 coming from, but at the same time, I can't just stop living. If anything, 00:09:24.498 --> 00:09:29.934 for my brother. That would destroy him if he knew I stopped living 00:09:29.934 --> 00:09:31.085 when he died. 00:09:32.935 --> 00:09:35.937 Claire: In my mind, they are kind of excessively afraid for me sometimes. 00:09:35.937 --> 00:09:41.583 And they have to let me go because I have to live my own life. 00:09:42.884 --> 00:09:49.626 On the same hand, I cannot make it all okay for them. They have to find 00:09:49.626 --> 00:09:54.094 their own friends. And I don't think you can ever fill the gap of the loss 00:09:54.094 --> 00:09:58.298 of Chris, but you can find new experiences you might not have had. 00:09:58.298 --> 00:10:03.636 Maybe search out new friendship groups to fulfill some of those social 00:10:03.636 --> 00:10:10.877 support needs that you now have. So, I guess I'd say we are a lot closer, 00:10:10.877 --> 00:10:16.715 and we look after each other a lot more, but at the same point, it is 00:10:16.715 --> 00:10:18.885 something we are continuing negotiating. 00:10:18.885 --> 00:10:23.556 Jerry: If my mom, dad and sister went somewhere and they are a couple hours 00:10:23.556 --> 00:10:29.490 late now the worst scenario runs through my head. And I feel so 00:10:29.490 --> 00:10:34.266 uncomfortable because I think what would I do if I lost them? 00:10:34.266 --> 00:10:39.959 It puts me in an even worse place because I lost my brother. 00:10:39.959 --> 00:10:44.114 I know what it feels like. If I lost the rest of them I don't think 00:10:44.114 --> 00:10:49.217 I can live through it. That's how I feel about it. I need them, and I hope... 00:10:49.217 --> 00:10:56.722 I think they know that. I don't express it as much as I'd like to but I try to. 00:10:56.722 --> 00:11:01.765 Lois: I just it is hard to express the words that I felt inside. 00:11:01.765 --> 00:11:10.502 That I guess I wasn't alone 'cause after the loss of my parents 00:11:10.502 --> 00:11:16.876 and Shirley, I felt I was very alone. In the sense that I had lost my 00:11:16.876 --> 00:11:22.984 immediate family but Jenelle and Lindsey and Ken kept saying you know 00:11:22.984 --> 00:11:28.054 that we are together. We are family. And we are going to be there 00:11:28.054 --> 00:11:32.894 for each other. So, that means a lot to me. 00:11:39.834 --> 00:11:47.167 Claire: Anger. I feel a lot of anger. Sometimes I think I really gotten 00:11:47.167 --> 00:11:53.746 control of that. Sometimes it springs up. I was saying that this has been the sixth 00:11:53.746 --> 00:11:57.484 anniversary of his death and oh... I felt the anger again. 00:11:57.484 --> 00:12:04.757 I feel angry that he depended on people and they let him down. 00:12:04.757 --> 00:12:10.297 That he went into life into an experience trusting that nothing could go wrong. 00:12:10.297 --> 00:12:17.236 And that really was human error and a bit of chance that almost seemed to 00:12:17.236 --> 00:12:23.108 have conspired against him. I can remember this distinctly 00:12:23.108 --> 00:12:26.147 waking up in the middle of the night about a week after he'd gone missing 00:12:26.147 --> 00:12:35.222 and thinking that he was or he had been calling for me. And that he'd been hoping 00:12:35.222 --> 00:12:39.529 that I would be there. That I would come, and maybe even believing that we would. 00:12:40.029 --> 00:12:46.112 Even though realistically there was no way we could have changed the event. 00:12:47.832 --> 00:12:53.673 I have felt a lot of guilt thinking he was waiting for me and I didn't come and that 00:12:53.673 --> 00:13:00.244 somehow telepathically I should have known 'cause frankly I didn't 00:13:00.244 --> 00:13:04.417 have any sign that he was, that there was something wrong. I had no inkling. 00:13:04.417 --> 00:13:09.788 I was going along pretty happy in my life, and the news of his disappearance came as 00:13:09.788 --> 00:13:10.930 a complete shock. 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:20.266 Jerry: So when this happened I wasn't angry but I wanted to blame God to some 00:13:20.266 --> 00:13:24.317 level because you know everyone is saying this is God's will. 00:13:24.317 --> 00:13:29.977 They want the better people yada yada ya. I don't want to be angry at him. 00:13:29.977 --> 00:13:34.714 I don't lose faith. I still think... I know he's there, but I don't want to be 00:13:34.714 --> 00:13:41.128 angry with him. So I am using all my faith and power not to hate God 00:13:41.128 --> 00:13:42.721 for taking my brother. 00:13:42.721 --> 00:13:50.964 Claire: I do feel sort of angry at Chris himself because he's left behind so much 00:13:50.964 --> 00:13:56.940 distress. I know he never would have intended, and I know that where ever he 00:13:56.940 --> 00:14:02.640 is I am sure he's walking out with less in terms of the pain we still feel 00:14:02.640 --> 00:14:11.245 and the loneliness for him and the sadness. Sometimes I feel angry. 00:14:11.245 --> 00:14:14.555 Why did he have to go on that boat? Why did he always have to be so 00:14:14.555 --> 00:14:23.596 adventurous? Why when I needed him wasn't he there? 'Cause I really needed 00:14:23.596 --> 00:14:28.971 him to actually understand and deal with his death. It sort of just this crazy 00:14:28.971 --> 00:14:33.700 experience that just when you need the person who means that much to you. 00:14:42.556 --> 00:14:47.088 Claire: The advice that I'd give to somebody who is recently lost a 00:14:47.088 --> 00:14:58.436 a brother. I think it would be to be very gentle with yourself. 00:15:00.997 --> 00:15:06.339 Not to minimize the experience or the loss that you've had cause certainly 00:15:06.339 --> 00:15:14.645 there is a lot of focus on parents' loss and it is a tremendous loss to parents 00:15:14.645 --> 00:15:20.353 no doubt about it. But the loss of a siblings, that person you've grown up 00:15:20.353 --> 00:15:24.744 with who has shared all those little things in life that you have. 00:15:25.584 --> 00:15:28.310 That loss is profound. 00:15:29.750 --> 00:15:33.397 Jerry: With people that knew him, I like to talk about him. 00:15:33.397 --> 00:15:38.104 I am fortunate that one of his best friends is my neighbor, and she is a 00:15:38.104 --> 00:15:42.007 big talker. She loves to talk. So it is easy to talk to her about it. 00:15:42.007 --> 00:15:45.044 And she is right there to talk, and that helps. 00:15:45.044 --> 00:15:51.251 Claire: In my case, I think we had some people come by and sort of suggest that 00:15:51.251 --> 00:15:57.789 I needed to slow down and in a very quiet, a very gentle way, but in a way 00:15:57.789 --> 00:15:59.625 that made me stop and think. 00:15:59.625 --> 00:16:08.386 Lois: There is no shortcuts that you-- I feel you have to grieve. 00:16:08.616 --> 00:16:12.839 You have to let the pain--You have to go where the pain is. 00:16:12.839 --> 00:16:21.783 Not to ignore your feelings or perhaps, you might think I am not going to think 00:16:21.783 --> 00:16:24.584 about that or look at her picture because it brings too much pain. 00:16:25.654 --> 00:16:35.062 And I found that is the way you heal is by going and facing the pain and the 00:16:35.062 --> 00:16:36.613 grief and letting it come out. 00:16:38.243 --> 00:16:42.736 Claire: I think another thing we found really helpful were resource books. 00:16:42.736 --> 00:16:46.412 And I think the reading and the books out there were the way we could 00:16:46.412 --> 00:16:50.180 each uniquely find a different approach to understanding grief. 00:16:50.180 --> 00:16:54.801 My father had to go to philosophical understandings of grief. 00:16:54.801 --> 00:17:02.523 Mine were mostly stories is what helped me and then my mom seemed to get into 00:17:02.523 --> 00:17:05.090 more of the spiritual. 00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:15.102 Lois: I feel that you have to be there for one another. Life is short on this 00:17:15.102 --> 00:17:25.944 Earth so if you can find the good in every day and to realize how lucky 00:17:25.944 --> 00:17:30.967 you are to be here. And don't waste it. Don't waste your time. 00:17:40.667 --> 00:17:48.538 Jerry: I hope I don't forget Jamie. I don't think I will. I made a little 00:17:48.538 --> 00:17:53.237 scrap book. Not for anybody else. Just for me. That I want to look at 00:17:53.237 --> 00:17:57.444 whenever I feel like it. It is full of pictures. It is full of words. 00:17:57.444 --> 00:18:03.348 It is full of letters. It's just for me. I don't want to forget him. 00:18:03.348 --> 00:18:05.801 I don't think I will. 00:18:14.401 --> 00:18:17.682 Claire: In terms of feeling connected to Chris. There has been a big shift 00:18:17.682 --> 00:18:24.704 in the first. I'd say in the first two years I could hear his voice. I still remembered 00:18:24.704 --> 00:18:37.343 his expressions and you can still actually smell the [laugh] well, he was an athlete. 00:18:37.343 --> 00:18:45.859 Let me say his clothes didn't always smell sweet, but there was a lot of 00:18:45.859 --> 00:18:53.780 tangibles that were still there that we could rely on. And with time, those do go. 00:18:53.780 --> 00:18:56.436 I can't hear his voice the way I used to. 00:18:56.436 --> 00:19:02.343 Jerry: I have dreams about him. I love it when I have dreams about him. 00:19:02.343 --> 00:19:06.427 They usually don't make sense. I don't care. If he is in it then that is 00:19:06.427 --> 00:19:10.124 great. Sometimes it is realistic. Like he just shows up and I am going 00:19:10.124 --> 00:19:12.200 God! Where have you been? I knew you weren't dead. 00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:16.155 Claire: I can picture him in my mind and certainly he comes to me in my dreams 00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:22.762 sometimes but some of it's a little shady. You know it is getting a little shadier 00:19:22.762 --> 00:19:24.762 around the edges. I can't quite picture him. 00:19:24.762 --> 00:19:31.968 Lois: I do talk to Shirley both in my head and out loud. 00:19:31.968 --> 00:19:38.543 Sometimes there is a situation going on and I will say: 00:19:38.543 --> 00:19:42.516 Shirley I need your help here. I guess I believe that she is there 00:19:42.516 --> 00:19:49.252 with me as well as my parents. Coming today I was talking to 00:19:49.252 --> 00:19:56.167 Shirley and my parents, asking them to give me the strength to do this. 00:19:56.167 --> 00:20:03.727 I feel her presence, her spirit is with me. 00:20:03.747 --> 00:20:06.260 I am curious what is going to happen when I am thirty. 00:20:06.260 --> 00:20:08.890 I hope I am still dreaming about him. 00:20:08.890 --> 00:20:12.510 Is he still going to be twenty-four when I am thirty? I don't know what is going 00:20:12.510 --> 00:20:16.040 to happen. I just have to wait. I really hope that I keep dreaming about him. 00:20:16.143 --> 00:20:23.223 Claire: So, what I have done recently. I guess the strategies I have is I try 00:20:23.223 --> 00:20:29.934 to do activities that we love doing together and really going out and 00:20:29.934 --> 00:20:34.200 searching for them. My husband and I have started doing adventure 00:20:34.200 --> 00:20:36.952 racing. So, we even go off to the mountains and do these really long 00:20:37.105 --> 00:20:44.345 trail runs and kayaks. I just know that although he wasn't there or he was 00:20:44.345 --> 00:20:49.225 never actually there with us. It is something he would have wanted to do. 00:20:49.225 --> 00:20:53.378 He's there in spirit, and I feel really connected to him when I do it. 00:20:53.378 --> 00:20:58.359 Jerry: I had a dream once that I went sailing with him. I like to sail. 00:20:58.359 --> 00:21:04.663 My brother never has, and I know he would love it. And in my dream 00:21:04.663 --> 00:21:09.469 I took him sailing and that made me feel so good when I woke up. 00:21:09.469 --> 00:21:14.642 Just to feel as though I did take him sailing, and he loved it. 00:21:14.642 --> 00:21:19.338 So I don't want those things to stop ever.