[sad music]
Claire: I think we just all went into complete shock.
[sad music]
Lois: During the surgery, there was some blood loss, but they were monitoring it.
They thought, and in the end it was too much blood loss, and her heart stopped.
And they weren't able to get her revived again.
Jerry: He basically went into some water that had a very strong current,
and he lost his grip. And the water took him.
Claire: Somebody invited him to go on a sailboat in between Amsterdam and Holland
and Harwich, which is in Southern England. His boat basically just never arrived.
So we are left with a lot of questions as to what happened still.
Jerry: When I got the news, I can't really put into words what kind of level
of devastation it was.
Lois: In my mind, I just couldn't accept the fact that she had passed away until
I saw her body. So, they did take me to see her, and it hit me. She was still warm
and when I touched her I just couldn't believe it.
Jerry: While my Dad is still on the phone, my sister is helping me with my Mom
who is pretty much out-of-control at this point, and then I look at my Dad
and I see something in his face that I have never seen before. It was this--
it was like life just left his face, and it was this point of sadness
I've never seen on him. When I saw it, I got really scared.
Claire: Originally, we'd been told he had an 80% chance that he was alive
and he'd be found. There was just some small mishap that had happened.
And then gradually we were down to 60, 40, 20, and then there was really
no hope that he was alive. And at that point I think shock, just complete
numbness set in.
Lois: I wanted to be alone in my grief. I didn't seem to want anyone around me.
And I live alone, so I headed home. And...once I got home it started.
The complete breakdown. The tears. I couldn't stop them. I had the shakes.
It was cold. I got into bed, and I just shook and cried.
Jerry: I don't know how he died. Why he died. I don't believe what they
are telling me. I'm so tired. People keep coming in. I can barely see because of
my eyes. I'm breaking down all the time. I can't do anything except cry.
And seeing my parents in such bad shape, it doesn't--it is so hard to see that.
Claire: My Mom was probably the most fragile of all of us. She's not the
healthiest person to begin with, and this just devastated her. She had a hard time
getting up, carrying on with every day activities. Gradually, that came back.
And I think with it some of her healing came. Actually, she was able to care for
me as sort of a child who'd come home. She still had me, and so she was an
excellent support to me in that regard and hopefully, vice versa.
My father, really, he's a traditional man. He didn't believe in showing grief.
Certainly, he'd been pretty adamant that we wouldn't cry or show emotion publicly
during either of the memorial services for Chris. And that pretty much carried on.
He felt that--I think he felt he was so close to breaking apart himself that if
he saw somebody else do it that would be the end.
Jerry: The question you get more than anything else was 'How are you?'
'How are you doing?'
You don't even want to answer that. You don't want to talk to them.
What do you want me to say to you. You can't--Most people there, thank God,
didn't understand what I was going through. A lot of my friends.
A lot of my brother's friends would come to the house. I was friends with most of
my brother's friends. It was good to see them because they were people that
could relate to my brother better than my own friends could, and they were close to
me. So I loved-I was happy that they were there, but I hated the how are you doing?
question because I could either lie to you or I could cry so you can't talk.
Do not ask me this right now. I don't like the question.
That question is a stupid question.
Claire: Some of our closest family friends as well.
I guess as they say, it wasn't that they weren't there
but they didn't want to listen. They didn't actually want to engage
with it. And so they would come and bustle around and leave very quickly.
And it was almost like a whirlwind coming through our lives, as opposed to bringing
the peace and security and stability we wanted.
Lois: The funeral itself was difficult. It was something that I guess for me
was especially difficult because six months before Shirley died, our
mother had passed away. And this was bringing back memories of Shirley and I
being there for our mother's funeral. And I didn't realize that six months
after burying my mother, that I would be burying my sister.
Jerry: My mom, she didn't get better. She was pretty much bedridden.
She couldn't get out of bed ever. She spent all day in there.
She cried literally all day, and we take turns trying to help my mom.
Seeing her in that much pain just adds to the pain that we're in.
Lois: At the end, after the service at the grave, I was the last to leave.
And I didn't want to leave. I felt I was leaving her behind, but...
of course one had to go. So, again I was invited to go back with everyone
to meet with some people at the house who were from out-of-town that were
coming, but I really didn't want to do that so I didn't. I just said I needed to
be alone. But I think that's me as a person. I just wanted to grieve
...by myself.
Claire: Certainly my relationship with my parents has changed pretty
dramatically since Chris's death.
I think my mom particularly it has effected her greatly.
She's lost actually two kids now, and I am the one that's left.
And she gets very scared for me.
Jerry: Where my family is now since my brother died is it is in an
interesting place. My mom has more fear than I wish she would towards me.
She doesn't want me to do anything. It is just maternal instinct.
She doesn't like it when I do things like snowboard. Anything where there is
any risk what so ever. I try hard to understand that. I know where she is
coming from, but at the same time, I can't just stop living. If anything,
for my brother. That would destroy him if he knew I stopped living
when he died.
Claire: In my mind, they are kind of excessively afraid for me sometimes.
And they have to let me go because I have to live my own life.
On the same hand, I cannot make it all okay for them. They have to find
their own friends. And I don't think you can ever fill the gap of the loss
of Chris, but you can find new experiences you might not have had.
Maybe search out new friendship groups to fulfill some of those social
support needs that you now have. So, I guess I'd say we are a lot closer,
and we look after each other a lot more, but at the same point, it is
something we are continuing negotiating.
Jerry: If my mom, dad and sister went somewhere and they are a couple hours
late now the worst scenario runs through my head. And I feel so
uncomfortable because I think what would I do if I lost them?
It puts me in an even worse place because I lost my brother.
I know what it feels like. If I lost the rest of them I don't think
I can live through it. That's how I feel about it. I need them, and I hope...
I think they know that. I don't express it as much as I'd like to but I try to.
Lois: I just it is hard to express the words that I felt inside.
That I guess I wasn't alone 'cause after the loss of my parents
and Shirley, I felt I was very alone. In the sense that I had lost my
immediate family but Jenelle and Lindsey and Ken kept saying you know
that we are together. We are family. And we are going to be there
for each other. So, that means a lot to me.
Claire: Anger. I feel a lot of anger. Sometimes I think I really gotten
control of that. Sometimes it springs up. I was saying that this has been the sixth
anniversary of his death and oh... I felt the anger again.
I feel angry that he depended on people and they let him down.
That he went into life into an experience trusting that nothing could go wrong.
And that really was human error and a bit of chance that almost seemed to
have conspired against him. I can remember this distinctly
waking up in the middle of the night about a week after he'd gone missing
and thinking that he was or he had been calling for me. And that he'd been hoping
that I would be there. That I would come, and maybe even believing that we would.
Even though realistically there was no way we could have changed the event.
I have felt a lot of guilt thinking he was waiting for me and I didn't come and that
somehow telepathically I should have known 'cause frankly I didn't
have any sign that he was, that there was something wrong. I had no inkling.
I was going along pretty happy in my life, and the news of his disappearance came as
a complete shock.
Jerry: So when this happened I wasn't angry but I wanted to blame God to some
level because you know everyone is saying this is God's will.
They want the better people yada yada ya. I don't want to be angry at him.
I don't lose faith. I still think... I know he's there, but I don't want to be
angry with him. So I am using all my faith and power not to hate God
for taking my brother.
Claire: I do feel sort of angry at Chris himself because he's left behind so much
distress. I know he never would have intended, and I know that where ever he
is I am sure he's walking out with less in terms of the pain we still feel
and the loneliness for him and the sadness. Sometimes I feel angry.
Why did he have to go on that boat? Why did he always have to be so
adventurous? Why when I needed him wasn't he there? 'Cause I really needed
him to actually understand and deal with his death. It sort of just this crazy
experience that just when you need the person who means that much to you.
Claire: The advice that I'd give to somebody who is recently lost a
a brother. I think it would be to be very gentle with yourself.
Not to minimize the experience or the loss that you've had cause certainly
there is a lot of focus on parents' loss and it is a tremendous loss to parents
no doubt about it. But the loss of a siblings, that person you've grown up
with who has shared all those little things in life that you have.
That loss is profound.
Jerry: With people that knew him, I like to talk about him.
I am fortunate that one of his best friends is my neighbor, and she is a
big talker. She loves to talk. So it is easy to talk to her about it.
And she is right there to talk, and that helps.
Claire: In my case, I think we had some people come by and sort of suggest that
I needed to slow down and in a very quiet, a very gentle way, but in a way
that made me stop and think.
Lois: There is no shortcuts that you-- I feel you have to grieve.
You have to let the pain--You have to go where the pain is.
Not to ignore your feelings or perhaps, you might think I am not going to think
about that or look at her picture because it brings too much pain.
And I found that is the way you heal is by going and facing the pain and the
grief and letting it come out.
Claire: I think another thing we found really helpful were resource books.
And I think the reading and the books out there were the way we could
each uniquely find a different approach to understanding grief.
My father had to go to philosophical understandings of grief.
Mine were mostly stories is what helped me and then my mom seemed to get into
more of the spiritual.
Lois: I feel that you have to be there for one another. Life is short on this
Earth so if you can find the good in every day and to realize how lucky
you are to be here. And don't waste it. Don't waste your time.
Jerry: I hope I don't forget Jamie. I don't think I will. I made a little
scrap book. Not for anybody else. Just for me. That I want to look at
whenever I feel like it. It is full of pictures. It is full of words.
It is full of letters. It's just for me. I don't want to forget him.
I don't think I will.
Claire: In terms of feeling connected to Chris. There has been a big shift
in the first. I'd say in the first two years I could hear his voice. I still remembered
his expressions and you can still actually smell the [laugh] well, he was an athlete.
Let me say his clothes didn't always smell sweet, but there was a lot of
tangibles that were still there that we could rely on. And with time, those do go.
I can't hear his voice the way I used to.
Jerry: I have dreams about him. I love it when I have dreams about him.
They usually don't make sense. I don't care. If he is in it then that is
great. Sometimes it is realistic. Like he just shows up and I am going
God! Where have you been? I knew you weren't dead.
Claire: I can picture him in my mind and certainly he comes to me in my dreams
sometimes but some of it's a little shady. You know it is getting a little shadier
around the edges. I can't quite picture him.
Lois: I do talk to Shirley both in my head and out loud.
Sometimes there is a situation going on and I will say:
Shirley I need your help here. I guess I believe that she is there
with me as well as my parents. Coming today I was talking to
Shirley and my parents, asking them to give me the strength to do this.
I feel her presence, her spirit is with me.
I am curious what is going to happen when I am thirty.
I hope I am still dreaming about him.
Is he still going to be twenty-four when I am thirty? I don't know what is going
to happen. I just have to wait. I really hope that I keep dreaming about him.
Claire: So, what I have done recently. I guess the strategies I have is I try
to do activities that we love doing together and really going out and
searching for them. My husband and I have started doing adventure
racing. So, we even go off to the mountains and do these really long
trail runs and kayaks. I just know that although he wasn't there or he was
never actually there with us. It is something he would have wanted to do.
He's there in spirit, and I feel really connected to him when I do it.
Jerry: I had a dream once that I went sailing with him. I like to sail.
My brother never has, and I know he would love it. And in my dream
I took him sailing and that made me feel so good when I woke up.
Just to feel as though I did take him sailing, and he loved it.
So I don't want those things to stop ever.