1 00:00:00,154 --> 00:00:05,973 [sad music] 2 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:10,194 Claire: I think we just all went into complete shock. 3 00:00:10,194 --> 00:00:39,094 [sad music] 4 00:00:39,114 --> 00:00:45,225 Lois: During the surgery, there was some blood loss, but they were monitoring it. 5 00:00:45,225 --> 00:00:52,545 They thought, and in the end it was too much blood loss, and her heart stopped. 6 00:00:52,545 --> 00:00:55,059 And they weren't able to get her revived again. 7 00:00:57,656 --> 00:01:01,194 Jerry: He basically went into some water that had a very strong current, 8 00:01:01,199 --> 00:01:07,977 and he lost his grip. And the water took him. 9 00:01:10,444 --> 00:01:17,742 Claire: Somebody invited him to go on a sailboat in between Amsterdam and Holland 10 00:01:17,742 --> 00:01:23,884 and Harwich, which is in Southern England. His boat basically just never arrived. 11 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:27,976 So we are left with a lot of questions as to what happened still. 12 00:01:30,376 --> 00:01:38,991 Jerry: When I got the news, I can't really put into words what kind of level 13 00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:41,330 of devastation it was. 14 00:01:41,330 --> 00:01:45,438 Lois: In my mind, I just couldn't accept the fact that she had passed away until 15 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:56,851 I saw her body. So, they did take me to see her, and it hit me. She was still warm 16 00:01:58,531 --> 00:02:04,526 and when I touched her I just couldn't believe it. 17 00:02:04,526 --> 00:02:08,372 Jerry: While my Dad is still on the phone, my sister is helping me with my Mom 18 00:02:08,372 --> 00:02:12,930 who is pretty much out-of-control at this point, and then I look at my Dad 19 00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:17,675 and I see something in his face that I have never seen before. It was this-- 20 00:02:17,675 --> 00:02:25,550 it was like life just left his face, and it was this point of sadness 21 00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:29,849 I've never seen on him. When I saw it, I got really scared. 22 00:02:31,459 --> 00:02:36,123 Claire: Originally, we'd been told he had an 80% chance that he was alive 23 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:40,063 and he'd be found. There was just some small mishap that had happened. 24 00:02:40,063 --> 00:02:47,733 And then gradually we were down to 60, 40, 20, and then there was really 25 00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:53,641 no hope that he was alive. And at that point I think shock, just complete 26 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:55,280 numbness set in. 27 00:02:55,280 --> 00:03:01,057 Lois: I wanted to be alone in my grief. I didn't seem to want anyone around me. 28 00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:11,159 And I live alone, so I headed home. And...once I got home it started. 29 00:03:11,159 --> 00:03:18,432 The complete breakdown. The tears. I couldn't stop them. I had the shakes. 30 00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:24,093 It was cold. I got into bed, and I just shook and cried. 31 00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:27,814 Jerry: I don't know how he died. Why he died. I don't believe what they 32 00:03:27,814 --> 00:03:36,893 are telling me. I'm so tired. People keep coming in. I can barely see because of 33 00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:42,904 my eyes. I'm breaking down all the time. I can't do anything except cry. 34 00:03:43,584 --> 00:03:52,351 And seeing my parents in such bad shape, it doesn't--it is so hard to see that. 35 00:03:59,261 --> 00:04:05,445 Claire: My Mom was probably the most fragile of all of us. She's not the 36 00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:10,448 healthiest person to begin with, and this just devastated her. She had a hard time 37 00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:18,435 getting up, carrying on with every day activities. Gradually, that came back. 38 00:04:18,435 --> 00:04:23,726 And I think with it some of her healing came. Actually, she was able to care for 39 00:04:23,726 --> 00:04:30,004 me as sort of a child who'd come home. She still had me, and so she was an 40 00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:34,166 excellent support to me in that regard and hopefully, vice versa. 41 00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:48,021 My father, really, he's a traditional man. He didn't believe in showing grief. 42 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:53,993 Certainly, he'd been pretty adamant that we wouldn't cry or show emotion publicly 43 00:04:53,993 --> 00:05:01,148 during either of the memorial services for Chris. And that pretty much carried on. 44 00:05:02,148 --> 00:05:10,281 He felt that--I think he felt he was so close to breaking apart himself that if 45 00:05:10,281 --> 00:05:12,746 he saw somebody else do it that would be the end. 46 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:16,351 Jerry: The question you get more than anything else was 'How are you?' 47 00:05:16,351 --> 00:05:17,321 'How are you doing?' 48 00:05:17,321 --> 00:05:21,789 You don't even want to answer that. You don't want to talk to them. 49 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:27,358 What do you want me to say to you. You can't--Most people there, thank God, 50 00:05:27,358 --> 00:05:30,131 didn't understand what I was going through. A lot of my friends. 51 00:05:30,131 --> 00:05:34,001 A lot of my brother's friends would come to the house. I was friends with most of 52 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:37,004 my brother's friends. It was good to see them because they were people that 53 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:43,073 could relate to my brother better than my own friends could, and they were close to 54 00:05:43,073 --> 00:05:46,513 me. So I loved-I was happy that they were there, but I hated the how are you doing? 55 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:54,787 question because I could either lie to you or I could cry so you can't talk. 56 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:58,192 Do not ask me this right now. I don't like the question. 57 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:01,194 That question is a stupid question. 58 00:06:02,534 --> 00:06:06,269 Claire: Some of our closest family friends as well. 59 00:06:06,269 --> 00:06:09,779 I guess as they say, it wasn't that they weren't there 60 00:06:09,779 --> 00:06:12,527 but they didn't want to listen. They didn't actually want to engage 61 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:18,952 with it. And so they would come and bustle around and leave very quickly. 62 00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:24,626 And it was almost like a whirlwind coming through our lives, as opposed to bringing 63 00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:28,549 the peace and security and stability we wanted. 64 00:06:31,069 --> 00:06:42,775 Lois: The funeral itself was difficult. It was something that I guess for me 65 00:06:42,775 --> 00:06:49,185 was especially difficult because six months before Shirley died, our 66 00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:56,977 mother had passed away. And this was bringing back memories of Shirley and I 67 00:06:56,977 --> 00:07:06,047 being there for our mother's funeral. And I didn't realize that six months 68 00:07:06,148 --> 00:07:11,076 after burying my mother, that I would be burying my sister. 69 00:07:16,996 --> 00:07:20,220 Jerry: My mom, she didn't get better. She was pretty much bedridden. 70 00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:23,681 She couldn't get out of bed ever. She spent all day in there. 71 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:28,663 She cried literally all day, and we take turns trying to help my mom. 72 00:07:28,663 --> 00:07:32,990 Seeing her in that much pain just adds to the pain that we're in. 73 00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:39,757 Lois: At the end, after the service at the grave, I was the last to leave. 74 00:07:39,757 --> 00:07:49,970 And I didn't want to leave. I felt I was leaving her behind, but... 75 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:57,977 of course one had to go. So, again I was invited to go back with everyone 76 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:02,449 to meet with some people at the house who were from out-of-town that were 77 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:07,390 coming, but I really didn't want to do that so I didn't. I just said I needed to 78 00:08:07,390 --> 00:08:14,962 be alone. But I think that's me as a person. I just wanted to grieve 79 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:18,566 ...by myself. 80 00:08:25,085 --> 00:08:28,235 Claire: Certainly my relationship with my parents has changed pretty 81 00:08:28,235 --> 00:08:31,205 dramatically since Chris's death. 82 00:08:35,855 --> 00:08:41,995 I think my mom particularly it has effected her greatly. 83 00:08:41,995 --> 00:08:45,859 She's lost actually two kids now, and I am the one that's left. 84 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:50,675 And she gets very scared for me. 85 00:08:50,675 --> 00:08:57,142 Jerry: Where my family is now since my brother died is it is in an 86 00:08:57,142 --> 00:09:04,357 interesting place. My mom has more fear than I wish she would towards me. 87 00:09:04,357 --> 00:09:07,210 She doesn't want me to do anything. It is just maternal instinct. 88 00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:11,351 She doesn't like it when I do things like snowboard. Anything where there is 89 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:19,629 any risk what so ever. I try hard to understand that. I know where she is 90 00:09:19,629 --> 00:09:24,498 coming from, but at the same time, I can't just stop living. If anything, 91 00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:29,934 for my brother. That would destroy him if he knew I stopped living 92 00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:31,085 when he died. 93 00:09:32,935 --> 00:09:35,937 Claire: In my mind, they are kind of excessively afraid for me sometimes. 94 00:09:35,937 --> 00:09:41,583 And they have to let me go because I have to live my own life. 95 00:09:42,884 --> 00:09:49,626 On the same hand, I cannot make it all okay for them. They have to find 96 00:09:49,626 --> 00:09:54,094 their own friends. And I don't think you can ever fill the gap of the loss 97 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:58,298 of Chris, but you can find new experiences you might not have had. 98 00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:03,636 Maybe search out new friendship groups to fulfill some of those social 99 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:10,877 support needs that you now have. So, I guess I'd say we are a lot closer, 100 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:16,715 and we look after each other a lot more, but at the same point, it is 101 00:10:16,715 --> 00:10:18,885 something we are continuing negotiating. 102 00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:23,556 Jerry: If my mom, dad and sister went somewhere and they are a couple hours 103 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:29,490 late now the worst scenario runs through my head. And I feel so 104 00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:34,266 uncomfortable because I think what would I do if I lost them? 105 00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:39,959 It puts me in an even worse place because I lost my brother. 106 00:10:39,959 --> 00:10:44,114 I know what it feels like. If I lost the rest of them I don't think 107 00:10:44,114 --> 00:10:49,217 I can live through it. That's how I feel about it. I need them, and I hope... 108 00:10:49,217 --> 00:10:56,722 I think they know that. I don't express it as much as I'd like to but I try to. 109 00:10:56,722 --> 00:11:01,765 Lois: I just it is hard to express the words that I felt inside. 110 00:11:01,765 --> 00:11:10,502 That I guess I wasn't alone 'cause after the loss of my parents 111 00:11:10,502 --> 00:11:16,876 and Shirley, I felt I was very alone. In the sense that I had lost my 112 00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:22,984 immediate family but Jenelle and Lindsey and Ken kept saying you know 113 00:11:22,984 --> 00:11:28,054 that we are together. We are family. And we are going to be there 114 00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:32,894 for each other. So, that means a lot to me. 115 00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:47,167 Claire: Anger. I feel a lot of anger. Sometimes I think I really gotten 116 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:53,746 control of that. Sometimes it springs up. I was saying that this has been the sixth 117 00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:57,484 anniversary of his death and oh... I felt the anger again. 118 00:11:57,484 --> 00:12:04,757 I feel angry that he depended on people and they let him down. 119 00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:10,297 That he went into life into an experience trusting that nothing could go wrong. 120 00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:17,236 And that really was human error and a bit of chance that almost seemed to 121 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:23,108 have conspired against him. I can remember this distinctly 122 00:12:23,108 --> 00:12:26,147 waking up in the middle of the night about a week after he'd gone missing 123 00:12:26,147 --> 00:12:35,222 and thinking that he was or he had been calling for me. And that he'd been hoping 124 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:39,529 that I would be there. That I would come, and maybe even believing that we would. 125 00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:46,112 Even though realistically there was no way we could have changed the event. 126 00:12:47,832 --> 00:12:53,673 I have felt a lot of guilt thinking he was waiting for me and I didn't come and that 127 00:12:53,673 --> 00:13:00,244 somehow telepathically I should have known 'cause frankly I didn't 128 00:13:00,244 --> 00:13:04,417 have any sign that he was, that there was something wrong. I had no inkling. 129 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:09,788 I was going along pretty happy in my life, and the news of his disappearance came as 130 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:10,930 a complete shock. 131 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:20,266 Jerry: So when this happened I wasn't angry but I wanted to blame God to some 132 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,317 level because you know everyone is saying this is God's will. 133 00:13:24,317 --> 00:13:29,977 They want the better people yada yada ya. I don't want to be angry at him. 134 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:34,714 I don't lose faith. I still think... I know he's there, but I don't want to be 135 00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:41,128 angry with him. So I am using all my faith and power not to hate God 136 00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:42,721 for taking my brother. 137 00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:50,964 Claire: I do feel sort of angry at Chris himself because he's left behind so much 138 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:56,940 distress. I know he never would have intended, and I know that where ever he 139 00:13:56,940 --> 00:14:02,640 is I am sure he's walking out with less in terms of the pain we still feel 140 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:11,245 and the loneliness for him and the sadness. Sometimes I feel angry. 141 00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:14,555 Why did he have to go on that boat? Why did he always have to be so 142 00:14:14,555 --> 00:14:23,596 adventurous? Why when I needed him wasn't he there? 'Cause I really needed 143 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:28,971 him to actually understand and deal with his death. It sort of just this crazy 144 00:14:28,971 --> 00:14:33,700 experience that just when you need the person who means that much to you. 145 00:14:42,556 --> 00:14:47,088 Claire: The advice that I'd give to somebody who is recently lost a 146 00:14:47,088 --> 00:14:58,436 a brother. I think it would be to be very gentle with yourself. 147 00:15:00,997 --> 00:15:06,339 Not to minimize the experience or the loss that you've had cause certainly 148 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:14,645 there is a lot of focus on parents' loss and it is a tremendous loss to parents 149 00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:20,353 no doubt about it. But the loss of a siblings, that person you've grown up 150 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:24,744 with who has shared all those little things in life that you have. 151 00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:28,310 That loss is profound. 152 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:33,397 Jerry: With people that knew him, I like to talk about him. 153 00:15:33,397 --> 00:15:38,104 I am fortunate that one of his best friends is my neighbor, and she is a 154 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:42,007 big talker. She loves to talk. So it is easy to talk to her about it. 155 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,044 And she is right there to talk, and that helps. 156 00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:51,251 Claire: In my case, I think we had some people come by and sort of suggest that 157 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:57,789 I needed to slow down and in a very quiet, a very gentle way, but in a way 158 00:15:57,789 --> 00:15:59,625 that made me stop and think. 159 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:08,386 Lois: There is no shortcuts that you-- I feel you have to grieve. 160 00:16:08,616 --> 00:16:12,839 You have to let the pain--You have to go where the pain is. 161 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:21,783 Not to ignore your feelings or perhaps, you might think I am not going to think 162 00:16:21,783 --> 00:16:24,584 about that or look at her picture because it brings too much pain. 163 00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:35,062 And I found that is the way you heal is by going and facing the pain and the 164 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,613 grief and letting it come out. 165 00:16:38,243 --> 00:16:42,736 Claire: I think another thing we found really helpful were resource books. 166 00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:46,412 And I think the reading and the books out there were the way we could 167 00:16:46,412 --> 00:16:50,180 each uniquely find a different approach to understanding grief. 168 00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:54,801 My father had to go to philosophical understandings of grief. 169 00:16:54,801 --> 00:17:02,523 Mine were mostly stories is what helped me and then my mom seemed to get into 170 00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:05,090 more of the spiritual. 171 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:15,102 Lois: I feel that you have to be there for one another. Life is short on this 172 00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:25,944 Earth so if you can find the good in every day and to realize how lucky 173 00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:30,967 you are to be here. And don't waste it. Don't waste your time. 174 00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:48,538 Jerry: I hope I don't forget Jamie. I don't think I will. I made a little 175 00:17:48,538 --> 00:17:53,237 scrap book. Not for anybody else. Just for me. That I want to look at 176 00:17:53,237 --> 00:17:57,444 whenever I feel like it. It is full of pictures. It is full of words. 177 00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:03,348 It is full of letters. It's just for me. I don't want to forget him. 178 00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:05,801 I don't think I will. 179 00:18:14,401 --> 00:18:17,682 Claire: In terms of feeling connected to Chris. There has been a big shift 180 00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:24,704 in the first. I'd say in the first two years I could hear his voice. I still remembered 181 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:37,343 his expressions and you can still actually smell the [laugh] well, he was an athlete. 182 00:18:37,343 --> 00:18:45,859 Let me say his clothes didn't always smell sweet, but there was a lot of 183 00:18:45,859 --> 00:18:53,780 tangibles that were still there that we could rely on. And with time, those do go. 184 00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:56,436 I can't hear his voice the way I used to. 185 00:18:56,436 --> 00:19:02,343 Jerry: I have dreams about him. I love it when I have dreams about him. 186 00:19:02,343 --> 00:19:06,427 They usually don't make sense. I don't care. If he is in it then that is 187 00:19:06,427 --> 00:19:10,124 great. Sometimes it is realistic. Like he just shows up and I am going 188 00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:12,200 God! Where have you been? I knew you weren't dead. 189 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,155 Claire: I can picture him in my mind and certainly he comes to me in my dreams 190 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:22,762 sometimes but some of it's a little shady. You know it is getting a little shadier 191 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,762 around the edges. I can't quite picture him. 192 00:19:24,762 --> 00:19:31,968 Lois: I do talk to Shirley both in my head and out loud. 193 00:19:31,968 --> 00:19:38,543 Sometimes there is a situation going on and I will say: 194 00:19:38,543 --> 00:19:42,516 Shirley I need your help here. I guess I believe that she is there 195 00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:49,252 with me as well as my parents. Coming today I was talking to 196 00:19:49,252 --> 00:19:56,167 Shirley and my parents, asking them to give me the strength to do this. 197 00:19:56,167 --> 00:20:03,727 I feel her presence, her spirit is with me. 198 00:20:03,747 --> 00:20:06,260 I am curious what is going to happen when I am thirty. 199 00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:08,890 I hope I am still dreaming about him. 200 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:12,510 Is he still going to be twenty-four when I am thirty? I don't know what is going 201 00:20:12,510 --> 00:20:16,040 to happen. I just have to wait. I really hope that I keep dreaming about him. 202 00:20:16,143 --> 00:20:23,223 Claire: So, what I have done recently. I guess the strategies I have is I try 203 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:29,934 to do activities that we love doing together and really going out and 204 00:20:29,934 --> 00:20:34,200 searching for them. My husband and I have started doing adventure 205 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,952 racing. So, we even go off to the mountains and do these really long 206 00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:44,345 trail runs and kayaks. I just know that although he wasn't there or he was 207 00:20:44,345 --> 00:20:49,225 never actually there with us. It is something he would have wanted to do. 208 00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:53,378 He's there in spirit, and I feel really connected to him when I do it. 209 00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:58,359 Jerry: I had a dream once that I went sailing with him. I like to sail. 210 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:04,663 My brother never has, and I know he would love it. And in my dream 211 00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:09,469 I took him sailing and that made me feel so good when I woke up. 212 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:14,642 Just to feel as though I did take him sailing, and he loved it. 213 00:21:14,642 --> 00:21:19,338 So I don't want those things to stop ever.