0:00:00.154,0:00:05.973
[sad music]

0:00:05.973,0:00:10.194
Claire: I think we just all went into[br]complete shock.

0:00:10.194,0:00:39.094
[sad music]

0:00:39.114,0:00:45.225
Lois: During the surgery, there was some[br]blood loss, but they were monitoring it.

0:00:45.225,0:00:52.545
They thought, and in the end it was too[br]much blood loss, and her heart stopped.

0:00:52.545,0:00:55.059
And they weren't able to get[br]her revived again.

0:00:57.656,0:01:01.194
Jerry: He basically went into some water[br]that had a very strong current,

0:01:01.199,0:01:07.977
and he lost his grip.[br]And the water took him.

0:01:10.444,0:01:17.742
Claire: Somebody invited him to go on a [br]sailboat in between Amsterdam and Holland

0:01:17.742,0:01:23.884
and Harwich, which is in Southern England.[br]His boat basically just never arrived.

0:01:23.884,0:01:27.976
So we are left with a lot of questions as[br]to what happened still.

0:01:30.376,0:01:38.991
Jerry: When I got the news, I can't really[br]put into words what kind of level

0:01:38.991,0:01:41.330
of devastation it was.

0:01:41.330,0:01:45.438
Lois: In my mind, I just couldn't accept[br]the fact that she had passed away until

0:01:45.438,0:01:56.851
I saw her body. So, they did take me to[br]see her, and it hit me. She was still warm

0:01:58.531,0:02:04.526
and when I touched her I just couldn't [br]believe it.

0:02:04.526,0:02:08.372
Jerry: While my Dad is still on the phone,[br]my sister is helping me with my Mom

0:02:08.372,0:02:12.930
who is pretty much out-of-control at[br]this point, and then I look at my Dad

0:02:12.930,0:02:17.675
and I see something in his face that I[br]have never seen before. It was this--

0:02:17.675,0:02:25.550
it was like life just left his face,[br]and it was this point of sadness

0:02:25.550,0:02:29.849
I've never seen on him.[br]When I saw it, I got really scared.

0:02:31.459,0:02:36.123
Claire: Originally, we'd been told he had[br]an 80% chance that he was alive

0:02:36.123,0:02:40.063
and he'd be found. There was just [br]some small mishap that had happened.

0:02:40.063,0:02:47.733
And then gradually we were down to[br]60, 40, 20, and then there was really

0:02:47.733,0:02:53.641
no hope that he was alive. And at that [br]point I think shock, just complete

0:02:53.641,0:02:55.280
numbness set in.

0:02:55.280,0:03:01.057
Lois: I wanted to be alone in my grief. [br]I didn't seem to want anyone around me.

0:03:01.057,0:03:11.159
And I live alone, so I headed home. [br]And...once I got home it started.

0:03:11.159,0:03:18.432
The complete breakdown. The tears.[br]I couldn't stop them. I had the shakes.

0:03:18.432,0:03:24.093
It was cold. I got into bed, and I just [br]shook and cried.

0:03:25.113,0:03:27.814
Jerry: I don't know how he died. [br]Why he died. I don't believe what they

0:03:27.814,0:03:36.893
are telling me. I'm so tired. People keep[br]coming in. I can barely see because of

0:03:36.893,0:03:42.904
my eyes. I'm breaking down all the time.[br]I can't do anything except cry.

0:03:43.584,0:03:52.351
And seeing my parents in such bad shape, [br]it doesn't--it is so hard to see that.

0:03:59.261,0:04:05.445
Claire: My Mom was probably the most [br]fragile of all of us. She's not the

0:04:05.445,0:04:10.448
healthiest person to begin with, and this[br]just devastated her. She had a hard time

0:04:10.448,0:04:18.435
getting up, carrying on with every day [br]activities. Gradually, that came back.

0:04:18.435,0:04:23.726
And I think with it some of her healing[br]came. Actually, she was able to care for

0:04:23.726,0:04:30.004
me as sort of a child who'd come home. [br]She still had me, and so she was an

0:04:30.004,0:04:34.166
excellent support to me in that regard [br]and hopefully, vice versa.

0:04:34.166,0:04:48.021
My father, really, he's a traditional man.[br]He didn't believe in showing grief.

0:04:48.021,0:04:53.993
Certainly, he'd been pretty adamant that[br]we wouldn't cry or show emotion publicly

0:04:53.993,0:05:01.148
during either of the memorial services for[br]Chris. And that pretty much carried on.

0:05:02.148,0:05:10.281
He felt that--I think he felt he was so[br]close to breaking apart himself that if

0:05:10.281,0:05:12.746
he saw somebody else do it that would[br]be the end.

0:05:12.746,0:05:16.351
Jerry: The question you get more than[br]anything else was 'How are you?'

0:05:16.351,0:05:17.321
'How are you doing?'

0:05:17.321,0:05:21.789
You don't even want to answer that.[br]You don't want to talk to them.

0:05:21.789,0:05:27.358
What do you want me to say to you.[br]You can't--Most people there, thank God,

0:05:27.358,0:05:30.131
didn't understand what I was going [br]through. A lot of my friends.

0:05:30.131,0:05:34.001
A lot of my brother's friends would come[br]to the house. I was friends with most of

0:05:34.001,0:05:37.004
my brother's friends. It was good to see[br]them because they were people that

0:05:37.004,0:05:43.073
could relate to my brother better than my[br]own friends could, and they were close to

0:05:43.073,0:05:46.513
me. So I loved-I was happy that they were[br]there, but I hated the how are you doing?

0:05:46.513,0:05:54.787
question because I could either lie to you[br]or I could cry so you can't talk.

0:05:54.787,0:05:58.192
Do not ask me this right now.[br]I don't like the question.

0:05:58.192,0:06:01.194
That question is a stupid question.

0:06:02.534,0:06:06.269
Claire: Some of our closest family [br]friends as well.

0:06:06.269,0:06:09.779
I guess as they say, [br]it wasn't that they weren't there

0:06:09.779,0:06:12.527
but they didn't want to listen.[br]They didn't actually want to engage

0:06:12.527,0:06:18.952
with it. And so they would come and bustle[br]around and leave very quickly.

0:06:18.952,0:06:24.626
And it was almost like a whirlwind coming[br]through our lives, as opposed to bringing

0:06:24.626,0:06:28.549
the peace and security and stability[br]we wanted.

0:06:31.069,0:06:42.775
Lois: The funeral itself was difficult.[br]It was something that I guess for me

0:06:42.775,0:06:49.185
was especially difficult because six[br]months before Shirley died, our

0:06:49.215,0:06:56.977
mother had passed away. And this was[br]bringing back memories of Shirley and I

0:06:56.977,0:07:06.047
being there for our mother's funeral. [br]And I didn't realize that six months

0:07:06.148,0:07:11.076
after burying my mother, that I would[br]be burying my sister.

0:07:16.996,0:07:20.220
Jerry: My mom, she didn't get better.[br]She was pretty much bedridden.

0:07:20.220,0:07:23.681
She couldn't get out of bed ever. [br]She spent all day in there.

0:07:23.709,0:07:28.663
She cried literally all day, and we take[br]turns trying to help my mom.

0:07:28.663,0:07:32.990
Seeing her in that much pain just adds[br]to the pain that we're in.

0:07:32.990,0:07:39.757
Lois: At the end, after the service at the[br]grave, I was the last to leave.

0:07:39.757,0:07:49.970
And I didn't want to leave. [br]I felt I was leaving her behind, but...

0:07:49.970,0:07:57.977
of course one had to go. So, again[br]I was invited to go back with everyone

0:07:57.977,0:08:02.449
to meet with some people at the house[br]who were from out-of-town that were

0:08:02.449,0:08:07.390
coming, but I really didn't want to do[br]that so I didn't. I just said I needed to

0:08:07.390,0:08:14.962
be alone. But I think that's me as a[br]person. I just wanted to grieve

0:08:14.962,0:08:18.566
...by myself.

0:08:25.085,0:08:28.235
Claire: Certainly my relationship[br]with my parents has changed pretty

0:08:28.235,0:08:31.205
dramatically since Chris's death.

0:08:35.855,0:08:41.995
I think my mom particularly it has[br]effected her greatly.

0:08:41.995,0:08:45.859
She's lost actually two kids now, [br]and I am the one that's left.

0:08:45.859,0:08:50.675
And she gets very scared for me.

0:08:50.675,0:08:57.142
Jerry: Where my family is now since [br]my brother died is it is in an

0:08:57.142,0:09:04.357
interesting place. My mom has more[br]fear than I wish she would towards me.

0:09:04.357,0:09:07.210
She doesn't want me to do anything.[br]It is just maternal instinct.

0:09:07.210,0:09:11.351
She doesn't like it when I do things like[br]snowboard. Anything where there is

0:09:11.351,0:09:19.629
any risk what so ever. I try hard to [br]understand that. I know where she is

0:09:19.629,0:09:24.498
coming from, but at the same time, [br]I can't just stop living. If anything,

0:09:24.498,0:09:29.934
for my brother. That would destroy [br]him if he knew I stopped living

0:09:29.934,0:09:31.085
when he died.

0:09:32.935,0:09:35.937
Claire: In my mind, they are kind of [br]excessively afraid for me sometimes.

0:09:35.937,0:09:41.583
And they have to let me go because[br]I have to live my own life.

0:09:42.884,0:09:49.626
On the same hand, I cannot make it [br]all okay for them. They have to find

0:09:49.626,0:09:54.094
their own friends. And I don't think [br]you can ever fill the gap of the loss

0:09:54.094,0:09:58.298
of Chris, but you can find new [br]experiences you might not have had.

0:09:58.298,0:10:03.636
Maybe search out new friendship [br]groups to fulfill some of those social

0:10:03.636,0:10:10.877
support needs that you now have. [br]So, I guess I'd say we are a lot closer,

0:10:10.877,0:10:16.715
and we look after each other a lot [br]more, but at the same point, it is

0:10:16.715,0:10:18.885
something we are continuing negotiating.

0:10:18.885,0:10:23.556
Jerry: If my mom, dad and sister went [br]somewhere and they are a couple hours

0:10:23.556,0:10:29.490
late now the worst scenario runs [br]through my head. And I feel so

0:10:29.490,0:10:34.266
uncomfortable because I think what[br]would I do if I lost them?

0:10:34.266,0:10:39.959
It puts me in an even worse place [br]because I lost my brother.

0:10:39.959,0:10:44.114
I know what it feels like. [br]If I lost the rest of them I don't think

0:10:44.114,0:10:49.217
I can live through it. That's how I feel[br]about it. I need them, and I hope...

0:10:49.217,0:10:56.722
I think they know that. I don't express it[br]as much as I'd like to but I try to.

0:10:56.722,0:11:01.765
Lois: I just it is hard to express the[br]words that I felt inside.

0:11:01.765,0:11:10.502
That I guess I wasn't alone[br]'cause after the loss of my parents

0:11:10.502,0:11:16.876
and Shirley, I felt I was very alone. [br]In the sense that I had lost my

0:11:16.876,0:11:22.984
immediate family but Jenelle and [br]Lindsey and Ken kept saying you know

0:11:22.984,0:11:28.054
that we are together. We are family. [br]And we are going to be there

0:11:28.054,0:11:32.894
for each other. [br]So, that means a lot to me.

0:11:39.834,0:11:47.167
Claire: Anger. I feel a lot of anger.[br]Sometimes I think I really gotten

0:11:47.167,0:11:53.746
control of that. Sometimes it springs up. [br]I was saying that this has been the sixth

0:11:53.746,0:11:57.484
anniversary of his death and oh...[br]I felt the anger again.

0:11:57.484,0:12:04.757
I feel angry that he depended on people[br]and they let him down.

0:12:04.757,0:12:10.297
That he went into life into an experience[br]trusting that nothing could go wrong.

0:12:10.297,0:12:17.236
And that really was human error and [br]a bit of chance that almost seemed to

0:12:17.236,0:12:23.108
have conspired against him. [br]I can remember this distinctly

0:12:23.108,0:12:26.147
waking up in the middle of the night[br]about a week after he'd gone missing

0:12:26.147,0:12:35.222
and thinking that he was or he had been[br]calling for me. And that he'd been hoping

0:12:35.222,0:12:39.529
that I would be there. That I would come,[br]and maybe even believing that we would.

0:12:40.029,0:12:46.112
Even though realistically there was no [br]way we could have changed the event.

0:12:47.832,0:12:53.673
I have felt a lot of guilt thinking he was[br]waiting for me and I didn't come and that

0:12:53.673,0:13:00.244
somehow telepathically I should[br]have known 'cause frankly I didn't

0:13:00.244,0:13:04.417
have any sign that he was, that there was[br]something wrong. I had no inkling.

0:13:04.417,0:13:09.788
I was going along pretty happy in my life,[br]and the news of his disappearance came as

0:13:09.788,0:13:10.930
a complete shock.

0:13:13.200,0:13:20.266
Jerry: So when this happened I wasn't[br]angry but I wanted to blame God to some

0:13:20.266,0:13:24.317
level because you know everyone is saying[br]this is God's will.

0:13:24.317,0:13:29.977
They want the better people yada yada ya.[br]I don't want to be angry at him.

0:13:29.977,0:13:34.714
I don't lose faith. I still think...[br]I know he's there, but I don't want to be

0:13:34.714,0:13:41.128
angry with him. So I am using all my faith[br]and power not to hate God

0:13:41.128,0:13:42.721
for taking my brother.

0:13:42.721,0:13:50.964
Claire: I do feel sort of angry at Chris[br]himself because he's left behind so much

0:13:50.964,0:13:56.940
distress. I know he never would have [br]intended, and I know that where ever he

0:13:56.940,0:14:02.640
is I am sure he's walking out with [br]less in terms of the pain we still feel

0:14:02.640,0:14:11.245
and the loneliness for him and the[br]sadness. Sometimes I feel angry.

0:14:11.245,0:14:14.555
Why did he have to go on that boat?[br]Why did he always have to be so

0:14:14.555,0:14:23.596
adventurous? Why when I needed him [br]wasn't he there? 'Cause I really needed

0:14:23.596,0:14:28.971
him to actually understand and deal [br]with his death. It sort of just this crazy

0:14:28.971,0:14:33.700
experience that just when you need[br]the person who means that much to you.

0:14:42.556,0:14:47.088
Claire: The advice that I'd give to[br]somebody who is recently lost a

0:14:47.088,0:14:58.436
a brother. I think it would be to [br]be very gentle with yourself.

0:15:00.997,0:15:06.339
Not to minimize the experience or the[br]loss that you've had cause certainly

0:15:06.339,0:15:14.645
there is a lot of focus on parents' loss[br]and it is a tremendous loss to parents

0:15:14.645,0:15:20.353
no doubt about it. But the loss of a [br]siblings, that person you've grown up

0:15:20.353,0:15:24.744
with who has shared all those little [br]things in life that you have.

0:15:25.584,0:15:28.310
That loss is profound.

0:15:29.750,0:15:33.397
Jerry: With people that knew him, [br]I like to talk about him.

0:15:33.397,0:15:38.104
I am fortunate that one of his best[br]friends is my neighbor, and she is a

0:15:38.104,0:15:42.007
big talker. She loves to talk. [br]So it is easy to talk to her about it.

0:15:42.007,0:15:45.044
And she is right there to talk, [br]and that helps.

0:15:45.044,0:15:51.251
Claire: In my case, I think we had some[br]people come by and sort of suggest that

0:15:51.251,0:15:57.789
I needed to slow down and in a very[br]quiet, a very gentle way, but in a way

0:15:57.789,0:15:59.625
that made me stop and think.

0:15:59.625,0:16:08.386
Lois: There is no shortcuts that you--[br]I feel you have to grieve.

0:16:08.616,0:16:12.839
You have to let the pain--You have to[br]go where the pain is.

0:16:12.839,0:16:21.783
Not to ignore your feelings or perhaps,[br]you might think I am not going to think

0:16:21.783,0:16:24.584
about that or look at her picture because[br]it brings too much pain.

0:16:25.654,0:16:35.062
And I found that is the way you heal[br]is by going and facing the pain and the

0:16:35.062,0:16:36.613
grief and letting it come out.

0:16:38.243,0:16:42.736
Claire: I think another thing we found [br]really helpful were resource books.

0:16:42.736,0:16:46.412
And I think the reading and the books [br]out there were the way we could

0:16:46.412,0:16:50.180
each uniquely find a different approach [br]to understanding grief.

0:16:50.180,0:16:54.801
My father had to go to philosophical[br]understandings of grief.

0:16:54.801,0:17:02.523
Mine were mostly stories is what helped[br]me and then my mom seemed to get into

0:17:02.523,0:17:05.090
more of the spiritual.

0:17:06.440,0:17:15.102
Lois: I feel that you have to be there[br]for one another. Life is short on this

0:17:15.102,0:17:25.944
Earth so if you can find the good in [br]every day and to realize how lucky

0:17:25.944,0:17:30.967
you are to be here. And don't waste it.[br]Don't waste your time.

0:17:40.667,0:17:48.538
Jerry: I hope I don't forget Jamie. [br]I don't think I will. I made a little

0:17:48.538,0:17:53.237
scrap book. Not for anybody else. [br]Just for me. That I want to look at

0:17:53.237,0:17:57.444
whenever I feel like it. It is full[br]of pictures. It is full of words.

0:17:57.444,0:18:03.348
It is full of letters. It's just for me. [br]I don't want to forget him.

0:18:03.348,0:18:05.801
I don't think I will.

0:18:14.401,0:18:17.682
Claire: In terms of feeling connected[br]to Chris. There has been a big shift

0:18:17.682,0:18:24.704
in the first. I'd say in the first two years[br]I could hear his voice. I still remembered

0:18:24.704,0:18:37.343
his expressions and you can still actually[br]smell the [laugh] well, he was an athlete.

0:18:37.343,0:18:45.859
Let me say his clothes didn't always[br]smell sweet, but there was a lot of

0:18:45.859,0:18:53.780
tangibles that were still there that we [br]could rely on. And with time, those do go.

0:18:53.780,0:18:56.436
I can't hear his voice the way [br]I used to.

0:18:56.436,0:19:02.343
Jerry: I have dreams about him. I love it[br]when I have dreams about him.

0:19:02.343,0:19:06.427
They usually don't make sense. [br]I don't care. If he is in it then that is

0:19:06.427,0:19:10.124
great. Sometimes it is realistic. [br]Like he just shows up and I am going

0:19:10.124,0:19:12.200
God! Where have you been? I knew [br]you weren't dead.

0:19:12.200,0:19:16.155
Claire: I can picture him in my mind and[br]certainly he comes to me in my dreams

0:19:16.155,0:19:22.762
sometimes but some of it's a little shady.[br]You know it is getting a little shadier

0:19:22.762,0:19:24.762
around the edges. [br]I can't quite picture him.

0:19:24.762,0:19:31.968
Lois: I do talk to Shirley both in my[br]head and out loud.

0:19:31.968,0:19:38.543
Sometimes there is a situation going on[br]and I will say:

0:19:38.543,0:19:42.516
Shirley I need your help here. [br]I guess I believe that she is there

0:19:42.516,0:19:49.252
with me as well as my parents. [br]Coming today I was talking to

0:19:49.252,0:19:56.167
Shirley and my parents, asking them to[br]give me the strength to do this.

0:19:56.167,0:20:03.727
I feel her presence, [br]her spirit is with me.

0:20:03.747,0:20:06.260
I am curious what is going[br]to happen when I am thirty.

0:20:06.260,0:20:08.890
I hope I am still dreaming about him.

0:20:08.890,0:20:12.510
Is he still going to be twenty-four when[br]I am thirty? I don't know what is going

0:20:12.510,0:20:16.040
to happen. I just have to wait. I really[br]hope that I keep dreaming about him.

0:20:16.143,0:20:23.223
Claire: So, what I have done recently.[br]I guess the strategies I have is I try

0:20:23.223,0:20:29.934
to do activities that we love doing[br]together and really going out and

0:20:29.934,0:20:34.200
searching for them. My husband [br]and I have started doing adventure

0:20:34.200,0:20:36.952
racing. So, we even go off to the[br]mountains and do these really long

0:20:37.105,0:20:44.345
trail runs and kayaks. I just know that[br]although he wasn't there or he was

0:20:44.345,0:20:49.225
never actually there with us. It is [br]something he would have wanted to do.

0:20:49.225,0:20:53.378
He's there in spirit, and I feel really [br]connected to him when I do it.

0:20:53.378,0:20:58.359
Jerry: I had a dream once that I went[br]sailing with him. I like to sail.

0:20:58.359,0:21:04.663
My brother never has, and I know[br]he would love it. And in my dream

0:21:04.663,0:21:09.469
I took him sailing and that made me[br]feel so good when I woke up.

0:21:09.469,0:21:14.642
Just to feel as though I did take him[br]sailing, and he loved it.

0:21:14.642,0:21:19.338
So I don't want those things to stop ever.