QVC Auditions - SNL

>>> HI, I'M JOYCE CHILDERS AND I
AM MAKING THIS VIDEO IN ORDER TO

AUDITION FOR THE GUEST HOST
POSITION AT QVC.

AND AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE IN MY
CLOSET BECAUSE MY FORTE IS --

CLOSET -- UH -- ORGANIZATION.
IN CLOSET.

AND I AM REALIZING RIGHT NOW
THAT MY PANTIES ARE ALL BEHIND

MY HEAD.
AND NOW I LOOK LIKE A PANTY

ADDICT.
THANKS, JOE.

>> WHAT?
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD.

>> JOE, NOW YOU'RE IN MY SHOT,
JUST DO IT AGAIN.

PLEASE, LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
>> HI.

I'M CHRISTIE BERKIE.
AND THIS IS MY AUDITION REEL FOR

GUEST HOST FOR QVC.
RIGHT AWAY, I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT I DO KNOW THAT MY FRIEND
AND NEIGHBOR JOY CHILDERS IS

AUDITIONING AS WELL.
SHE IS AN AMAZING PERSON.

BUT I DO THINK SHE IS -- NO.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING

BAD.
I'LL JUST SAY THAT ALL OF MY

FRIENDS THINK THAT -- NOPE.
I JUST SAID I WASN'T GOING TO

SAY ANYTHING BAD.
SHE IS WHAT SHE IS.

YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST GOOGLE HER,
YOU KNOW.

WHICH I THINK YOU SHOULD.
AND STUFF WILL COME UP.

I LOVE HER!
UM, OKAY.

ACCESSORIES.
WE ARE CURRENTLY IN MY NECKLACE

ROOM.
AND WHAT I WANT TO SHOW YOU

IS --
OH MY GOD!

I JUST STEPPED ON THE DOG!
HE CAN'T BE IN HERE, LOUIS!

>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
>> PEANUT HAS TO BE IN HIS

CRATE!
AND NOW THAT'S ONE POINT FOR

JOYCE BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A DICK
THAT KICKS DOGS IN THE BUTT,

GREAT.
START OVER, CUT.

GREAT, LEWIS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> HI.
IT'S ME, JOYCE.

FUTURE QVC HOST.
YOU KNOW, I JUST WANT YOU GUYS

TO KNOW THAT QVC IS MY NUMBER
ONE DREAM.

AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT
KNOWS ME HAS SAID THAT I WAS

BORN TO DO THIS.
AND THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT ARE OKAY WITH LIKE
HIJACKING DREAMS BECAUSE --

OKAY.
I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I CAN'T BREATHE.
>> ARE YOU OKAY?

>> DON'T COME OVER HERE, YOU
STRESS ME OUT!

I'VE GOT TO GO WALK AROUND OUR
CUL-DE-SAC -- DO NOT FOLLOW ME,

DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, I AM
FINE!

OKAY!
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HEY, GUYS.
IT'S YOUR GAL PAL

CHRISTIE BERKIE HERE TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO DRESS UP ANY WORK OUTFIT

AND GIVE IT A TOUCH OF SPARKLE
AND GLAM WITH CLIP-ON GLAMOUR

BAUBLES.
LOOK HOW THIS GLISTENS IN THE

SUNLIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

WAS THAT JOYCE?
DID I JUST SEE JOYCE IN OUR

WINDOW?
>> THAT WAS JOYCE.

>> WHAT IS THAT BITCH UP TO?
[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYWAY, WE'LL JUST CUT AROUND
THIS.

OKAY.
THESE IMITATION CRYSTAL PIECES

WILL ENLIVEN ANYTHING --
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I SEE YOU!
I SEE YOU, GET OVER HERE!

>> WHAT?
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STEALING DREAMS?
THAT FRIENDS KNOW IS FOR ME?

>> THAT IS NOT GOOD ENGLISH, YOU
WILL NEVER MAKE IT WITH THAT

KIND OF ENGLISH ON QVC.
>> ON QVC, ON QVC!

THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE.
GET YOUR OWN LIFE!

>> I HAVE IT!
I HAVE A LIFE!

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I
HAVE IT!

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE IT AWAY.

YOU SEE WHAT THIS IS IN MY
POCKET?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
JOYCE.

OKAY?
I HAVE NO IDEA.

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT
HANDLE'S TO?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, IS THAT YOUR GUN?

IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?
LOUIS, SHE BROUGHT HER GUN,

SURPRISE SURPRISE, I GUESS SHE'S
GOING TO KILL ANOTHER PERSON ON

ACCIDENT!
>> IF I DO IT WOULD YOU STOP

STEALING?
>> JOYCE, DON'T BE A FOOL.

>> THIS IS ALL GOING TO QVC,
THIS IS ALL GOING TO QVC, JOYCE!

>> NO, NO, IT'S NOT!
>> YES, IT IS.

THIS IS MY AUDITION TAPE AND IT
CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT.

>> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?

>> YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO SHOOT
US THROUGH OUR WINDOW.

>> IT'S NOT A REAL GUN, IT'S FOR
THE PLAY I'M DIRECTING.

>> OH MY GOD, JOYCE.
YOU ARE SUCH A JOKE.

>> OH REALLY.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S A BETTER

JOKE?
YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY.

AND I KNOW IT BECAUSE HE'S
SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]
I HEAR THEM EVERY NIGHT IN OUR

BABY'S ROOM LIKE, OH, YEAH.
I WANT IT.

>> STOP IT!
>> OKAY, CHRISTE?

ARE YOU GOING TO SEND THAT TO
QVC, I'M SURE THEY'D LOVE THAT.

>> GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
>> AARRGHH!

[ STATIC ]
♪♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL GUYS THAT HOUR JUST FLEW

BY.
>> I GUESS THAT'S JUST WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU GUEST HOST QVC
WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.

>> KEEP SHOPPING, YOU GUYS!
♪♪♪

[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]