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[typewriter clicking]
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So listening is not the act of hearing
the words spoken, it is the art of
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understanding the meaning behind
those words. And you know, when
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people say ' you're not listening to me,'
and we simply power it back, the words
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that they just said, congratulations,
your ears work. You know, that is the
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act of listening. But the art of listening
is creating an environment in which the
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other person feels heard. Now you notice
what I said there? The other person--
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and I used an emotional word-- feels,
right? I don't want to know that you
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heard the words, I want to feel--
I want to feel heard.
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Feel seen. I want
to feel understood.
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And that is a learnable practicable--
learnable, practicable skill. So it's,
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and there are many parts of it. It's
things like replacing judgement with
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curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing
to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right?
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To be curious why someone has a
point of view, it's creating a safe space
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for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan
calls it, 'empty the bucket.'
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So even if we find what they're saying
just reprehensible, right? You're never
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gonna be able to actually have dialogue
until, at least one of the parties gets the
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opportunity to say everything, without
judgement. And she calls it 'emptying
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the bucket,' and once a person, somebody
feels like they've completely said
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everything, then they're more apt to
listen to you. But usually what we do is
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we defend, or we litigate, or we
interrupt. We point out flaws in logic,
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which is just frustrating. And when you
point out flaws in somebody's logic--
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because we're all imperfect when we speak,
and we all choose the wrong words at
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various times. 'And that's not what I
meant, you know what I meant!'
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is what we have to say.
'Well if you know what you meant, then
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why didn't you say what you--' you can
see how this spirals.
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But it's things like when somebody
says something, you know, and
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there's really
easy ways to do it,
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things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'
'what else?' and they keep talking.
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And you go quiet, and they feel the
space. And, 'tell me more, go on.'
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And eventually, it's all out.
And then, there's a safe space for you
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to respond, and express yourself in a
constructive way. But that's correct.
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We do not teach listening. And listening
is the way to create-- to build trust with
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someone, you know? You make someone
feel heard, they'll trust you. You know?
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It is the way to find common ground
in opposition. In simple cases in business,
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but in more complicated cases in national
politics, or in global politics,
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or in war, you know? Why do--
you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury,
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who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks
about the same thing. He goes,
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'We have talk shows, but we don't have
listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace
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talks, but what we really need is
peace listens.' You know?
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And he, who's been at the table at the
highest levels of peace negotiations,
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he said people show up and start demanding
what they want, and that's how the
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negotiations begin. Nobody starts by
saying, 'so tell me why you came here.'
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There's a great documentary that
I recommend, to learn this.
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It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the
Enemy' by Deeyah Khan.
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In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman
living in the UK, who was trolled by
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white supremacists, to the point where
the police got involved because her life
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was at risk. They told her stay away
from open windows. That's how bad it got.
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The way Deeyah responded was by moving
to the United States, and going to meet
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the white supremacists. And she brought
her cameras. You can see it all happening
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in this documentary. And basically, she
gave them a safe space to feel heard.
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Now, that sounds mad, like why should
she give them a safe space to feel heard,
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they should give her a safe space.
Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never
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gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with
these white supremacists and she gives
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them a safe space to feel heard, and
this is extreme listening. And I say it's
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extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.
You know? They don't just disagree
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with her. They want her off the planet.
And she lets them 'empty their bucket,'
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as she calls it. And then, conversation
begins. And because they feel heard,
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they start to trust her. And as they
start to trust her, she becomes a friend.
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And then, it creates this paradox, where
I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I
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trust her and consider her a friend.
And what you see is one by one, these
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white supremacists, these die-hard
white supremacists start dropping out of
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the movement, because they could no longer
reconcile their beliefs with reality.
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And if-- if it can happen in this extreme
environment, then it can happen anywhere.
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And all that is required for us to cross
political divides, or you know,
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disagreements at work, and things like
that, is one of the parties has to learn
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how to listen. It doesn't even require
both parties to learn the skill, that's
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the amazing thing. And it is one of the
most remarkable, remarkable skills that
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anyone can learn. The power of listening,
yeah. So, the documentary's a great
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extreme example of what it can do.