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The Art of Listening | Simon Sinek

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    [typewriter clicking]
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    So listening is not the act of hearing
    the words spoken, it is the art of
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    understanding the meaning behind
    those words. And you know, when
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    people say ' you're not listening to me,'
    and we simply power it back, the words
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    that they just said, congratulations,
    your ears work. You know, that is the
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    act of listening. But the art of listening
    is creating an environment in which the
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    other person feels heard. Now you notice
    what I said there? The other person--
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    and I used an emotional word-- feels,
    right? I don't want to know that you
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    heard the words, I want to feel--
    I want to feel heard.
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    Feel seen. I want
    to feel understood.
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    And that is a learnable practicable--
    learnable, practicable skill. So it's,
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    and there are many parts of it. It's
    things like replacing judgement with
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    curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing
    to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right?
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    To be curious why someone has a
    point of view, it's creating a safe space
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    for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan
    calls it, 'empty the bucket.'
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    So even if we find what they're saying
    just reprehensible, right? You're never
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    gonna be able to actually have dialogue
    until, at least one of the parties gets the
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    opportunity to say everything, without
    judgement. And she calls it 'emptying
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    the bucket,' and once a person, somebody
    feels like they've completely said
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    everything, then they're more apt to
    listen to you. But usually what we do is
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    we defend, or we litigate, or we
    interrupt. We point out flaws in logic,
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    which is just frustrating. And when you
    point out flaws in somebody's logic--
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    because we're all imperfect when we speak,
    and we all choose the wrong words at
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    various times. 'And that's not what I
    meant, you know what I meant!'
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    is what we have to say.
    'Well if you know what you meant, then
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    why didn't you say what you--' you can
    see how this spirals.
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    But it's things like when somebody
    says something, you know, and
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    there's really
    easy ways to do it,
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    things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'
    'what else?' and they keep talking.
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    And you go quiet, and they feel the
    space. And, 'tell me more, go on.'
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    And eventually, it's all out.
    And then, there's a safe space for you
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    to respond, and express yourself in a
    constructive way. But that's correct.
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    We do not teach listening. And listening
    is the way to create-- to build trust with
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    someone, you know? You make someone
    feel heard, they'll trust you. You know?
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    It is the way to find common ground
    in opposition. In simple cases in business,
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    but in more complicated cases in national
    politics, or in global politics,
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    or in war, you know? Why do--
    you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury,
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    who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks
    about the same thing. He goes,
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    'We have talk shows, but we don't have
    listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace
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    talks, but what we really need is
    peace listens.' You know?
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    And he, who's been at the table at the
    highest levels of peace negotiations,
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    he said people show up and start demanding
    what they want, and that's how the
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    negotiations begin. Nobody starts by
    saying, 'so tell me why you came here.'
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    There's a great documentary that
    I recommend, to learn this.
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    It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the
    Enemy' by Deeyah Khan.
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    In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman
    living in the UK, who was trolled by
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    white supremacists, to the point where
    the police got involved because her life
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    was at risk. They told her stay away
    from open windows. That's how bad it got.
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    The way Deeyah responded was by moving
    to the United States, and going to meet
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    the white supremacists. And she brought
    her cameras. You can see it all happening
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    in this documentary. And basically, she
    gave them a safe space to feel heard.
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    Now, that sounds mad, like why should
    she give them a safe space to feel heard,
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    they should give her a safe space.
    Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never
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    gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with
    these white supremacists and she gives
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    them a safe space to feel heard, and
    this is extreme listening. And I say it's
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    extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.
    You know? They don't just disagree
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    with her. They want her off the planet.
    And she lets them 'empty their bucket,'
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    as she calls it. And then, conversation
    begins. And because they feel heard,
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    they start to trust her. And as they
    start to trust her, she becomes a friend.
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    And then, it creates this paradox, where
    I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I
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    trust her and consider her a friend.
    And what you see is one by one, these
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    white supremacists, these die-hard
    white supremacists start dropping out of
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    the movement, because they could no longer
    reconcile their beliefs with reality.
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    And if-- if it can happen in this extreme
    environment, then it can happen anywhere.
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    And all that is required for us to cross
    political divides, or you know,
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    disagreements at work, and things like
    that, is one of the parties has to learn
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    how to listen. It doesn't even require
    both parties to learn the skill, that's
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    the amazing thing. And it is one of the
    most remarkable, remarkable skills that
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    anyone can learn. The power of listening,
    yeah. So, the documentary's a great
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    extreme example of what it can do.
Title:
The Art of Listening | Simon Sinek
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Duration:
05:13

English subtitles

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