WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.965 [typewriter clicking] 00:00:06.135 --> 00:00:11.314 So listening is not the act of hearing the words spoken, it is the art of 00:00:11.314 --> 00:00:16.395 understanding the meaning behind those words. And you know, when 00:00:16.395 --> 00:00:19.175 people say ' you're not listening to me,' and we simply power it back, the words 00:00:19.175 --> 00:00:22.827 that they just said, congratulations, your ears work. You know, that is the 00:00:22.827 --> 00:00:29.692 act of listening. But the art of listening is creating an environment in which the 00:00:29.692 --> 00:00:33.638 other person feels heard. Now you notice what I said there? The other person-- 00:00:33.638 --> 00:00:37.220 and I used an emotional word-- feels, right? I don't want to know that you 00:00:37.220 --> 00:00:41.393 heard the words, I want to feel-- I want to feel heard. 00:00:41.393 --> 00:00:43.523 Feel seen. I want to feel understood. 00:00:43.523 --> 00:00:49.199 And that is a learnable practicable-- learnable, practicable skill. So it's, 00:00:49.199 --> 00:00:52.896 and there are many parts of it. It's things like replacing judgement with 00:00:52.896 --> 00:00:58.580 curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right? 00:00:58.580 --> 00:01:01.933 To be curious why someone has a point of view, it's creating a safe space 00:01:01.933 --> 00:01:06.228 for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan calls it, 'empty the bucket.' 00:01:06.228 --> 00:01:10.703 So even if we find what they're saying just reprehensible, right? You're never 00:01:10.703 --> 00:01:16.197 gonna be able to actually have dialogue until, at least one of the parties gets the 00:01:16.197 --> 00:01:20.610 opportunity to say everything, without judgement. And she calls it 'emptying 00:01:20.610 --> 00:01:23.045 the bucket,' and once a person, somebody feels like they've completely said 00:01:23.045 --> 00:01:27.007 everything, then they're more apt to listen to you. But usually what we do is 00:01:27.007 --> 00:01:32.493 we defend, or we litigate, or we interrupt. We point out flaws in logic, 00:01:32.493 --> 00:01:35.505 which is just frustrating. And when you point out flaws in somebody's logic-- 00:01:35.505 --> 00:01:38.550 because we're all imperfect when we speak, and we all choose the wrong words at 00:01:38.550 --> 00:01:41.763 various times. 'And that's not what I meant, you know what I meant!' 00:01:41.763 --> 00:01:43.482 is what we have to say. 'Well if you know what you meant, then 00:01:43.482 --> 00:01:48.593 why didn't you say what you--' you can see how this spirals. 00:01:48.593 --> 00:01:51.632 But it's things like when somebody says something, you know, and 00:01:51.632 --> 00:01:53.142 there's really easy ways to do it, 00:01:53.142 --> 00:01:59.275 things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,' 'what else?' and they keep talking. 00:01:59.275 --> 00:02:05.111 And you go quiet, and they feel the space. And, 'tell me more, go on.' 00:02:05.111 --> 00:02:09.800 And eventually, it's all out. And then, there's a safe space for you 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:14.407 to respond, and express yourself in a constructive way. But that's correct. 00:02:14.407 --> 00:02:23.819 We do not teach listening. And listening is the way to create-- to build trust with 00:02:23.819 --> 00:02:29.297 someone, you know? You make someone feel heard, they'll trust you. You know? 00:02:29.297 --> 00:02:36.169 It is the way to find common ground in opposition. In simple cases in business, 00:02:36.169 --> 00:02:41.858 but in more complicated cases in national politics, or in global politics, 00:02:41.858 --> 00:02:47.846 or in war, you know? Why do-- you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury, 00:02:47.846 --> 00:02:51.290 who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks about the same thing. He goes, 00:02:51.290 --> 00:02:53.846 'We have talk shows, but we don't have listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace 00:02:53.846 --> 00:02:56.796 talks, but what we really need is peace listens.' You know? 00:02:56.796 --> 00:03:00.988 And he, who's been at the table at the highest levels of peace negotiations, 00:03:00.988 --> 00:03:04.208 he said people show up and start demanding what they want, and that's how the 00:03:04.208 --> 00:03:08.085 negotiations begin. Nobody starts by saying, 'so tell me why you came here.' 00:03:08.085 --> 00:03:12.084 There's a great documentary that I recommend, to learn this. 00:03:12.084 --> 00:03:16.605 It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the Enemy' by Deeyah Khan. 00:03:16.605 --> 00:03:21.074 In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman living in the UK, who was trolled by 00:03:21.074 --> 00:03:25.014 white supremacists, to the point where the police got involved because her life 00:03:25.014 --> 00:03:29.779 was at risk. They told her stay away from open windows. That's how bad it got. 00:03:29.779 --> 00:03:34.106 The way Deeyah responded was by moving to the United States, and going to meet 00:03:34.106 --> 00:03:38.423 the white supremacists. And she brought her cameras. You can see it all happening 00:03:38.423 --> 00:03:43.994 in this documentary. And basically, she gave them a safe space to feel heard. 00:03:43.994 --> 00:03:47.814 Now, that sounds mad, like why should she give them a safe space to feel heard, 00:03:47.814 --> 00:03:51.787 they should give her a safe space. Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never 00:03:51.787 --> 00:03:54.856 gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with these white supremacists and she gives 00:03:54.856 --> 00:04:00.068 them a safe space to feel heard, and this is extreme listening. And I say it's 00:04:00.068 --> 00:04:03.879 extreme, because, I mean, they hate her. You know? They don't just disagree 00:04:03.879 --> 00:04:10.966 with her. They want her off the planet. And she lets them 'empty their bucket,' 00:04:10.966 --> 00:04:18.369 as she calls it. And then, conversation begins. And because they feel heard, 00:04:18.369 --> 00:04:24.204 they start to trust her. And as they start to trust her, she becomes a friend. 00:04:24.204 --> 00:04:29.623 And then, it creates this paradox, where I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I 00:04:29.623 --> 00:04:32.137 trust her and consider her a friend. And what you see is one by one, these 00:04:32.137 --> 00:04:35.369 white supremacists, these die-hard white supremacists start dropping out of 00:04:35.369 --> 00:04:39.967 the movement, because they could no longer reconcile their beliefs with reality. 00:04:39.967 --> 00:04:47.428 And if-- if it can happen in this extreme environment, then it can happen anywhere. 00:04:47.428 --> 00:04:53.395 And all that is required for us to cross political divides, or you know, 00:04:53.395 --> 00:04:57.631 disagreements at work, and things like that, is one of the parties has to learn 00:04:57.631 --> 00:05:00.275 how to listen. It doesn't even require both parties to learn the skill, that's 00:05:00.275 --> 00:05:05.976 the amazing thing. And it is one of the most remarkable, remarkable skills that 00:05:05.976 --> 00:05:09.809 anyone can learn. The power of listening, yeah. So, the documentary's a great 00:05:09.809 --> 00:05:12.541 extreme example of what it can do.