1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,965 [typewriter clicking] 2 00:00:06,135 --> 00:00:11,314 So listening is not the act of hearing the words spoken, it is the art of 3 00:00:11,314 --> 00:00:16,395 understanding the meaning behind those words. And you know, when 4 00:00:16,395 --> 00:00:19,175 people say ' you're not listening to me,' and we simply power it back, the words 5 00:00:19,175 --> 00:00:22,827 that they just said, congratulations, your ears work. You know, that is the 6 00:00:22,827 --> 00:00:29,692 act of listening. But the art of listening is creating an environment in which the 7 00:00:29,692 --> 00:00:33,638 other person feels heard. Now you notice what I said there? The other person-- 8 00:00:33,638 --> 00:00:37,220 and I used an emotional word-- feels, right? I don't want to know that you 9 00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:41,393 heard the words, I want to feel-- I want to feel heard. 10 00:00:41,393 --> 00:00:43,523 Feel seen. I want to feel understood. 11 00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:49,199 And that is a learnable practicable-- learnable, practicable skill. So it's, 12 00:00:49,199 --> 00:00:52,896 and there are many parts of it. It's things like replacing judgement with 13 00:00:52,896 --> 00:00:58,580 curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right? 14 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:01,933 To be curious why someone has a point of view, it's creating a safe space 15 00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:06,228 for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan calls it, 'empty the bucket.' 16 00:01:06,228 --> 00:01:10,703 So even if we find what they're saying just reprehensible, right? You're never 17 00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:16,197 gonna be able to actually have dialogue until, at least one of the parties gets the 18 00:01:16,197 --> 00:01:20,610 opportunity to say everything, without judgement. And she calls it 'emptying 19 00:01:20,610 --> 00:01:23,045 the bucket,' and once a person, somebody feels like they've completely said 20 00:01:23,045 --> 00:01:27,007 everything, then they're more apt to listen to you. But usually what we do is 21 00:01:27,007 --> 00:01:32,493 we defend, or we litigate, or we interrupt. We point out flaws in logic, 22 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,505 which is just frustrating. And when you point out flaws in somebody's logic-- 23 00:01:35,505 --> 00:01:38,550 because we're all imperfect when we speak, and we all choose the wrong words at 24 00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:41,763 various times. 'And that's not what I meant, you know what I meant!' 25 00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:43,482 is what we have to say. 'Well if you know what you meant, then 26 00:01:43,482 --> 00:01:48,593 why didn't you say what you--' you can see how this spirals. 27 00:01:48,593 --> 00:01:51,632 But it's things like when somebody says something, you know, and 28 00:01:51,632 --> 00:01:53,142 there's really easy ways to do it, 29 00:01:53,142 --> 00:01:59,275 things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,' 'what else?' and they keep talking. 30 00:01:59,275 --> 00:02:05,111 And you go quiet, and they feel the space. And, 'tell me more, go on.' 31 00:02:05,111 --> 00:02:09,800 And eventually, it's all out. And then, there's a safe space for you 32 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,407 to respond, and express yourself in a constructive way. But that's correct. 33 00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:23,819 We do not teach listening. And listening is the way to create-- to build trust with 34 00:02:23,819 --> 00:02:29,297 someone, you know? You make someone feel heard, they'll trust you. You know? 35 00:02:29,297 --> 00:02:36,169 It is the way to find common ground in opposition. In simple cases in business, 36 00:02:36,169 --> 00:02:41,858 but in more complicated cases in national politics, or in global politics, 37 00:02:41,858 --> 00:02:47,846 or in war, you know? Why do-- you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury, 38 00:02:47,846 --> 00:02:51,290 who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks about the same thing. He goes, 39 00:02:51,290 --> 00:02:53,846 'We have talk shows, but we don't have listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace 40 00:02:53,846 --> 00:02:56,796 talks, but what we really need is peace listens.' You know? 41 00:02:56,796 --> 00:03:00,988 And he, who's been at the table at the highest levels of peace negotiations, 42 00:03:00,988 --> 00:03:04,208 he said people show up and start demanding what they want, and that's how the 43 00:03:04,208 --> 00:03:08,085 negotiations begin. Nobody starts by saying, 'so tell me why you came here.' 44 00:03:08,085 --> 00:03:12,084 There's a great documentary that I recommend, to learn this. 45 00:03:12,084 --> 00:03:16,605 It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the Enemy' by Deeyah Khan. 46 00:03:16,605 --> 00:03:21,074 In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman living in the UK, who was trolled by 47 00:03:21,074 --> 00:03:25,014 white supremacists, to the point where the police got involved because her life 48 00:03:25,014 --> 00:03:29,779 was at risk. They told her stay away from open windows. That's how bad it got. 49 00:03:29,779 --> 00:03:34,106 The way Deeyah responded was by moving to the United States, and going to meet 50 00:03:34,106 --> 00:03:38,423 the white supremacists. And she brought her cameras. You can see it all happening 51 00:03:38,423 --> 00:03:43,994 in this documentary. And basically, she gave them a safe space to feel heard. 52 00:03:43,994 --> 00:03:47,814 Now, that sounds mad, like why should she give them a safe space to feel heard, 53 00:03:47,814 --> 00:03:51,787 they should give her a safe space. Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never 54 00:03:51,787 --> 00:03:54,856 gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with these white supremacists and she gives 55 00:03:54,856 --> 00:04:00,068 them a safe space to feel heard, and this is extreme listening. And I say it's 56 00:04:00,068 --> 00:04:03,879 extreme, because, I mean, they hate her. You know? They don't just disagree 57 00:04:03,879 --> 00:04:10,966 with her. They want her off the planet. And she lets them 'empty their bucket,' 58 00:04:10,966 --> 00:04:18,369 as she calls it. And then, conversation begins. And because they feel heard, 59 00:04:18,369 --> 00:04:24,204 they start to trust her. And as they start to trust her, she becomes a friend. 60 00:04:24,204 --> 00:04:29,623 And then, it creates this paradox, where I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I 61 00:04:29,623 --> 00:04:32,137 trust her and consider her a friend. And what you see is one by one, these 62 00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:35,369 white supremacists, these die-hard white supremacists start dropping out of 63 00:04:35,369 --> 00:04:39,967 the movement, because they could no longer reconcile their beliefs with reality. 64 00:04:39,967 --> 00:04:47,428 And if-- if it can happen in this extreme environment, then it can happen anywhere. 65 00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:53,395 And all that is required for us to cross political divides, or you know, 66 00:04:53,395 --> 00:04:57,631 disagreements at work, and things like that, is one of the parties has to learn 67 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,275 how to listen. It doesn't even require both parties to learn the skill, that's 68 00:05:00,275 --> 00:05:05,976 the amazing thing. And it is one of the most remarkable, remarkable skills that 69 00:05:05,976 --> 00:05:09,809 anyone can learn. The power of listening, yeah. So, the documentary's a great 70 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,541 extreme example of what it can do.