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[typewriter clicking]

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So listening is not the act of hearing
the words spoken, it is the art of

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understanding the meaning behind
those words. And you know, when

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people say ' you're not listening to me,'
and we simply power it back, the words

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that they just said, congratulations,
your ears work. You know, that is the

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act of listening. But the art of listening
is creating an environment in which the

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other person feels heard. Now you notice
what I said there? The other person--

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and I used an emotional word-- feels,
right? I don't want to know that you

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heard the words, I want to feel-- 
I want to feel heard.

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Feel seen. I want 
to feel understood.

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And that is a learnable practicable-- 
learnable, practicable skill. So it's,

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and there are many parts of it. It's
things like replacing judgement with

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curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing
to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right?

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To be curious why someone has a 
point of view, it's creating a safe space

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for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan
calls it, 'empty the bucket.'

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So even if we find what they're saying
just reprehensible, right? You're never

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gonna be able to actually have dialogue
until, at least one of the parties gets the

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opportunity to say everything, without
judgement. And she calls it 'emptying

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the bucket,' and once a person, somebody
feels like they've completely said

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everything, then they're more apt to
listen to you. But usually what we do is

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we defend, or we litigate, or we 
interrupt. We point out flaws in logic,

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which is just frustrating. And when you
point out flaws in somebody's logic--

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because we're all imperfect when we speak,
and we all choose the wrong words at

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various times. 'And that's not what I 
meant, you know what I meant!'

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is what we have to say. 
'Well if you know what you meant, then

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why didn't you say what you--' you can
see how this spirals.

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But it's things like when somebody 
says something, you know, and

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there's really 
easy ways to do it,

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things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'
'what else?' and they keep talking.

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And you go quiet, and they feel the 
space. And, 'tell me more, go on.'

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And eventually, it's all out.
And then, there's a safe space for you

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to respond, and express yourself in a 
constructive way. But that's correct.

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We do not teach listening. And listening
is the way to create-- to build trust with

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someone, you know? You make someone
feel heard, they'll trust you. You know?

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It is the way to find common ground 
in opposition. In simple cases in business,

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but in more complicated cases in national
politics, or in global politics,

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or in war, you know? Why do--
you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury,

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who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks
about the same thing. He goes,

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'We have talk shows, but we don't have
listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace

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talks, but what we really need is 
peace listens.' You know?

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And he, who's been at the table at the
highest levels of peace negotiations,

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he said people show up and start demanding
what they want, and that's how the

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negotiations begin. Nobody starts by 
saying, 'so tell me why you came here.'

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There's a great documentary that 
I recommend, to learn this.

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It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the 
Enemy' by Deeyah Khan.

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In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman
living in the UK, who was trolled by

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white supremacists, to the point where
the police got involved because her life

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was at risk. They told her stay away
from open windows. That's how bad it got.

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The way Deeyah responded was by moving
to the United States, and going to meet

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the white supremacists. And she brought
her cameras. You can see it all happening

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in this documentary. And basically, she 
gave them a safe space to feel heard.

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Now, that sounds mad, like why should
she give them a safe space to feel heard,

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they should give her a safe space.
Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never

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gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with 
these white supremacists and she gives

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them a safe space to feel heard, and
this is extreme listening. And I say it's

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extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.
You know? They don't just disagree

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with her. They want her off the planet.
And she lets them 'empty their bucket,'

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as she calls it. And then, conversation
begins. And because they feel heard,

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they start to trust her. And as they
start to trust her, she becomes a friend.

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And then, it creates this paradox, where
I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I

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trust her and consider her a friend.
And what you see is one by one, these

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white supremacists, these die-hard
white supremacists start dropping out of

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the movement, because they could no longer
reconcile their beliefs with reality.

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And if-- if it can happen in this extreme
environment, then it can happen anywhere.

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And all that is required for us to cross 
political divides, or you know,

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disagreements at work, and things like 
that, is one of the parties has to learn

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how to listen. It doesn't even require
both parties to learn the skill, that's

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the amazing thing. And it is one of the
most remarkable, remarkable skills that

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anyone can learn. The power of listening,
yeah. So, the documentary's a great

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extreme example of what it can do.