[typewriter clicking]

So listening is not the act of hearing
the words spoken, it is the art of

understanding the meaning behind
those words. And you know, when

people say ' you're not listening to me,'
and we simply power it back, the words

that they just said, congratulations,
your ears work. You know, that is the

act of listening. But the art of listening
is creating an environment in which the

other person feels heard. Now you notice
what I said there? The other person--

and I used an emotional word-- feels,
right? I don't want to know that you

heard the words, I want to feel-- 
I want to feel heard.

Feel seen. I want 
to feel understood.

And that is a learnable practicable-- 
learnable, practicable skill. So it's,

and there are many parts of it. It's
things like replacing judgement with

curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing
to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right?

To be curious why someone has a 
point of view, it's creating a safe space

for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan
calls it, 'empty the bucket.'

So even if we find what they're saying
just reprehensible, right? You're never

gonna be able to actually have dialogue
until, at least one of the parties gets the

opportunity to say everything, without
judgement. And she calls it 'emptying

the bucket,' and once a person, somebody
feels like they've completely said

everything, then they're more apt to
listen to you. But usually what we do is

we defend, or we litigate, or we 
interrupt. We point out flaws in logic,

which is just frustrating. And when you
point out flaws in somebody's logic--

because we're all imperfect when we speak,
and we all choose the wrong words at

various times. 'And that's not what I 
meant, you know what I meant!'

is what we have to say. 
'Well if you know what you meant, then

why didn't you say what you--' you can
see how this spirals.

But it's things like when somebody 
says something, you know, and

there's really 
easy ways to do it,

things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'
'what else?' and they keep talking.

And you go quiet, and they feel the 
space. And, 'tell me more, go on.'

And eventually, it's all out.
And then, there's a safe space for you

to respond, and express yourself in a 
constructive way. But that's correct.

We do not teach listening. And listening
is the way to create-- to build trust with

someone, you know? You make someone
feel heard, they'll trust you. You know?

It is the way to find common ground 
in opposition. In simple cases in business,

but in more complicated cases in national
politics, or in global politics,

or in war, you know? Why do--
you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury,

who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks
about the same thing. He goes,

'We have talk shows, but we don't have
listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace

talks, but what we really need is 
peace listens.' You know?

And he, who's been at the table at the
highest levels of peace negotiations,

he said people show up and start demanding
what they want, and that's how the

negotiations begin. Nobody starts by 
saying, 'so tell me why you came here.'

There's a great documentary that 
I recommend, to learn this.

It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the 
Enemy' by Deeyah Khan.

In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman
living in the UK, who was trolled by

white supremacists, to the point where
the police got involved because her life

was at risk. They told her stay away
from open windows. That's how bad it got.

The way Deeyah responded was by moving
to the United States, and going to meet

the white supremacists. And she brought
her cameras. You can see it all happening

in this documentary. And basically, she 
gave them a safe space to feel heard.

Now, that sounds mad, like why should
she give them a safe space to feel heard,

they should give her a safe space.
Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never

gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with 
these white supremacists and she gives

them a safe space to feel heard, and
this is extreme listening. And I say it's

extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.
You know? They don't just disagree

with her. They want her off the planet.
And she lets them 'empty their bucket,'

as she calls it. And then, conversation
begins. And because they feel heard,

they start to trust her. And as they
start to trust her, she becomes a friend.

And then, it creates this paradox, where
I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I

trust her and consider her a friend.
And what you see is one by one, these

white supremacists, these die-hard
white supremacists start dropping out of

the movement, because they could no longer
reconcile their beliefs with reality.

And if-- if it can happen in this extreme
environment, then it can happen anywhere.

And all that is required for us to cross 
political divides, or you know,

disagreements at work, and things like 
that, is one of the parties has to learn

how to listen. It doesn't even require
both parties to learn the skill, that's

the amazing thing. And it is one of the
most remarkable, remarkable skills that

anyone can learn. The power of listening,
yeah. So, the documentary's a great

extreme example of what it can do.