[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:02.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[typewriter clicking]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.14,0:00:11.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So listening is not the act of hearing\Nthe words spoken, it is the art of
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.31,0:00:16.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,understanding the meaning behind\Nthose words. And you know, when
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.40,0:00:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people say ' you're not listening to me,'\Nand we simply power it back, the words
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.18,0:00:22.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they just said, congratulations,\Nyour ears work. You know, that is the
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.83,0:00:29.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act of listening. But the art of listening\Nis creating an environment in which the
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.69,0:00:33.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,other person feels heard. Now you notice\Nwhat I said there? The other person--
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.64,0:00:37.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I used an emotional word-- feels,\Nright? I don't want to know that you
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.22,0:00:41.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,heard the words, I want to feel-- \NI want to feel heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.39,0:00:43.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Feel seen. I want \Nto feel understood.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.52,0:00:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that is a learnable practicable-- \Nlearnable, practicable skill. So it's,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.20,0:00:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are many parts of it. It's\Nthings like replacing judgement with
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.90,0:00:58.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing\Nto do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.58,0:01:01.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To be curious why someone has a \Npoint of view, it's creating a safe space
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.93,0:01:06.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan\Ncalls it, 'empty the bucket.'
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.23,0:01:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So even if we find what they're saying\Njust reprehensible, right? You're never
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.70,0:01:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gonna be able to actually have dialogue\Nuntil, at least one of the parties gets the
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.20,0:01:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,opportunity to say everything, without\Njudgement. And she calls it 'emptying
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.61,0:01:23.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the bucket,' and once a person, somebody\Nfeels like they've completely said
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.04,0:01:27.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything, then they're more apt to\Nlisten to you. But usually what we do is
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.01,0:01:32.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we defend, or we litigate, or we \Ninterrupt. We point out flaws in logic,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.49,0:01:35.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is just frustrating. And when you\Npoint out flaws in somebody's logic--
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.50,0:01:38.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we're all imperfect when we speak,\Nand we all choose the wrong words at
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.55,0:01:41.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,various times. 'And that's not what I \Nmeant, you know what I meant!'
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.76,0:01:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is what we have to say. \N'Well if you know what you meant, then
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.48,0:01:48.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why didn't you say what you--' you can\Nsee how this spirals.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.59,0:01:51.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's things like when somebody \Nsays something, you know, and
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.63,0:01:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's really \Neasy ways to do it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.14,0:01:59.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'\N'what else?' and they keep talking.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.28,0:02:05.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you go quiet, and they feel the \Nspace. And, 'tell me more, go on.'
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.11,0:02:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And eventually, it's all out.\NAnd then, there's a safe space for you
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.80,0:02:14.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to respond, and express yourself in a \Nconstructive way. But that's correct.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.41,0:02:23.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do not teach listening. And listening\Nis the way to create-- to build trust with
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.82,0:02:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone, you know? You make someone\Nfeel heard, they'll trust you. You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.30,0:02:36.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the way to find common ground \Nin opposition. In simple cases in business,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.17,0:02:41.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in more complicated cases in national\Npolitics, or in global politics,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.86,0:02:47.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or in war, you know? Why do--\Nyou know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.85,0:02:51.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks\Nabout the same thing. He goes,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.29,0:02:53.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'We have talk shows, but we don't have\Nlisten shows,' he says, 'we have peace
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.85,0:02:56.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,talks, but what we really need is \Npeace listens.' You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.80,0:03:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he, who's been at the table at the\Nhighest levels of peace negotiations,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.99,0:03:04.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he said people show up and start demanding\Nwhat they want, and that's how the
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.21,0:03:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,negotiations begin. Nobody starts by \Nsaying, 'so tell me why you came here.'
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.08,0:03:12.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a great documentary that \NI recommend, to learn this.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.08,0:03:16.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the \NEnemy' by Deeyah Khan.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.60,0:03:21.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman\Nliving in the UK, who was trolled by
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.07,0:03:25.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,white supremacists, to the point where\Nthe police got involved because her life
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.01,0:03:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was at risk. They told her stay away\Nfrom open windows. That's how bad it got.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.78,0:03:34.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The way Deeyah responded was by moving\Nto the United States, and going to meet
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.11,0:03:38.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the white supremacists. And she brought\Nher cameras. You can see it all happening
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.42,0:03:43.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in this documentary. And basically, she \Ngave them a safe space to feel heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.99,0:03:47.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, that sounds mad, like why should\Nshe give them a safe space to feel heard,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.81,0:03:51.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they should give her a safe space.\NYeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.79,0:03:54.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with \Nthese white supremacists and she gives
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.86,0:04:00.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,them a safe space to feel heard, and\Nthis is extreme listening. And I say it's
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.07,0:04:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.\NYou know? They don't just disagree
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.88,0:04:10.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with her. They want her off the planet.\NAnd she lets them 'empty their bucket,'
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.97,0:04:18.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as she calls it. And then, conversation\Nbegins. And because they feel heard,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.37,0:04:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they start to trust her. And as they\Nstart to trust her, she becomes a friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.20,0:04:29.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, it creates this paradox, where\NI'm supposed to hate this woman, but I
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.62,0:04:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,trust her and consider her a friend.\NAnd what you see is one by one, these
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.14,0:04:35.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,white supremacists, these die-hard\Nwhite supremacists start dropping out of
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.37,0:04:39.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the movement, because they could no longer\Nreconcile their beliefs with reality.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.97,0:04:47.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if-- if it can happen in this extreme\Nenvironment, then it can happen anywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.43,0:04:53.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all that is required for us to cross \Npolitical divides, or you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.40,0:04:57.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,disagreements at work, and things like \Nthat, is one of the parties has to learn
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.63,0:05:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how to listen. It doesn't even require\Nboth parties to learn the skill, that's
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.28,0:05:05.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the amazing thing. And it is one of the\Nmost remarkable, remarkable skills that
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.98,0:05:09.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anyone can learn. The power of listening,\Nyeah. So, the documentary's a great
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.81,0:05:12.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,extreme example of what it can do.