0:00:00.000,0:00:02.965 [typewriter clicking] 0:00:06.135,0:00:11.314 So listening is not the act of hearing[br]the words spoken, it is the art of 0:00:11.314,0:00:16.395 understanding the meaning behind[br]those words. And you know, when 0:00:16.395,0:00:19.175 people say ' you're not listening to me,'[br]and we simply power it back, the words 0:00:19.175,0:00:22.827 that they just said, congratulations,[br]your ears work. You know, that is the 0:00:22.827,0:00:29.692 act of listening. But the art of listening[br]is creating an environment in which the 0:00:29.692,0:00:33.638 other person feels heard. Now you notice[br]what I said there? The other person-- 0:00:33.638,0:00:37.220 and I used an emotional word-- feels,[br]right? I don't want to know that you 0:00:37.220,0:00:41.393 heard the words, I want to feel-- [br]I want to feel heard. 0:00:41.393,0:00:43.523 Feel seen. I want [br]to feel understood. 0:00:43.523,0:00:49.199 And that is a learnable practicable-- [br]learnable, practicable skill. So it's, 0:00:49.199,0:00:52.896 and there are many parts of it. It's[br]things like replacing judgement with 0:00:52.896,0:00:58.580 curiosity. Right? And that's a hard thing[br]to do. We're a pretty judgy group. Right? 0:00:58.580,0:01:01.933 To be curious why someone has a [br]point of view, it's creating a safe space 0:01:01.933,0:01:06.228 for someone to-- as my friend, Deeyah Khan[br]calls it, 'empty the bucket.' 0:01:06.228,0:01:10.703 So even if we find what they're saying[br]just reprehensible, right? You're never 0:01:10.703,0:01:16.197 gonna be able to actually have dialogue[br]until, at least one of the parties gets the 0:01:16.197,0:01:20.610 opportunity to say everything, without[br]judgement. And she calls it 'emptying 0:01:20.610,0:01:23.045 the bucket,' and once a person, somebody[br]feels like they've completely said 0:01:23.045,0:01:27.007 everything, then they're more apt to[br]listen to you. But usually what we do is 0:01:27.007,0:01:32.493 we defend, or we litigate, or we [br]interrupt. We point out flaws in logic, 0:01:32.493,0:01:35.505 which is just frustrating. And when you[br]point out flaws in somebody's logic-- 0:01:35.505,0:01:38.550 because we're all imperfect when we speak,[br]and we all choose the wrong words at 0:01:38.550,0:01:41.763 various times. 'And that's not what I [br]meant, you know what I meant!' 0:01:41.763,0:01:43.482 is what we have to say. [br]'Well if you know what you meant, then 0:01:43.482,0:01:48.593 why didn't you say what you--' you can[br]see how this spirals. 0:01:48.593,0:01:51.632 But it's things like when somebody [br]says something, you know, and 0:01:51.632,0:01:53.142 there's really [br]easy ways to do it, 0:01:53.142,0:01:59.275 things like 'go on,' 'tell me more,'[br]'what else?' and they keep talking. 0:01:59.275,0:02:05.111 And you go quiet, and they feel the [br]space. And, 'tell me more, go on.' 0:02:05.111,0:02:09.800 And eventually, it's all out.[br]And then, there's a safe space for you 0:02:09.800,0:02:14.407 to respond, and express yourself in a [br]constructive way. But that's correct. 0:02:14.407,0:02:23.819 We do not teach listening. And listening[br]is the way to create-- to build trust with 0:02:23.819,0:02:29.297 someone, you know? You make someone[br]feel heard, they'll trust you. You know? 0:02:29.297,0:02:36.169 It is the way to find common ground [br]in opposition. In simple cases in business, 0:02:36.169,0:02:41.858 but in more complicated cases in national[br]politics, or in global politics, 0:02:41.858,0:02:47.846 or in war, you know? Why do--[br]you know, my-- Bill Ury, William Ury, 0:02:47.846,0:02:51.290 who wrote 'Getting to Yes,' he talks[br]about the same thing. He goes, 0:02:51.290,0:02:53.846 'We have talk shows, but we don't have[br]listen shows,' he says, 'we have peace 0:02:53.846,0:02:56.796 talks, but what we really need is [br]peace listens.' You know? 0:02:56.796,0:03:00.988 And he, who's been at the table at the[br]highest levels of peace negotiations, 0:03:00.988,0:03:04.208 he said people show up and start demanding[br]what they want, and that's how the 0:03:04.208,0:03:08.085 negotiations begin. Nobody starts by [br]saying, 'so tell me why you came here.' 0:03:08.085,0:03:12.084 There's a great documentary that [br]I recommend, to learn this. 0:03:12.084,0:03:16.605 It's called, 'White Right: Meeting the [br]Enemy' by Deeyah Khan. 0:03:16.605,0:03:21.074 In a nutshell, Deeyah is a Muslim woman[br]living in the UK, who was trolled by 0:03:21.074,0:03:25.014 white supremacists, to the point where[br]the police got involved because her life 0:03:25.014,0:03:29.779 was at risk. They told her stay away[br]from open windows. That's how bad it got. 0:03:29.779,0:03:34.106 The way Deeyah responded was by moving[br]to the United States, and going to meet 0:03:34.106,0:03:38.423 the white supremacists. And she brought[br]her cameras. You can see it all happening 0:03:38.423,0:03:43.994 in this documentary. And basically, she [br]gave them a safe space to feel heard. 0:03:43.994,0:03:47.814 Now, that sounds mad, like why should[br]she give them a safe space to feel heard, 0:03:47.814,0:03:51.787 they should give her a safe space.[br]Yeah, fine. Good, you know? It's never 0:03:51.787,0:03:54.856 gonna happen. Deeyah sits down with [br]these white supremacists and she gives 0:03:54.856,0:04:00.068 them a safe space to feel heard, and[br]this is extreme listening. And I say it's 0:04:00.068,0:04:03.879 extreme, because, I mean, they hate her.[br]You know? They don't just disagree 0:04:03.879,0:04:10.966 with her. They want her off the planet.[br]And she lets them 'empty their bucket,' 0:04:10.966,0:04:18.369 as she calls it. And then, conversation[br]begins. And because they feel heard, 0:04:18.369,0:04:24.204 they start to trust her. And as they[br]start to trust her, she becomes a friend. 0:04:24.204,0:04:29.623 And then, it creates this paradox, where[br]I'm supposed to hate this woman, but I 0:04:29.623,0:04:32.137 trust her and consider her a friend.[br]And what you see is one by one, these 0:04:32.137,0:04:35.369 white supremacists, these die-hard[br]white supremacists start dropping out of 0:04:35.369,0:04:39.967 the movement, because they could no longer[br]reconcile their beliefs with reality. 0:04:39.967,0:04:47.428 And if-- if it can happen in this extreme[br]environment, then it can happen anywhere. 0:04:47.428,0:04:53.395 And all that is required for us to cross [br]political divides, or you know, 0:04:53.395,0:04:57.631 disagreements at work, and things like [br]that, is one of the parties has to learn 0:04:57.631,0:05:00.275 how to listen. It doesn't even require[br]both parties to learn the skill, that's 0:05:00.275,0:05:05.976 the amazing thing. And it is one of the[br]most remarkable, remarkable skills that 0:05:05.976,0:05:09.809 anyone can learn. The power of listening,[br]yeah. So, the documentary's a great 0:05:09.809,0:05:12.541 extreme example of what it can do.