[TRANSLATED] Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. Epic Rap Battles of History. [CC]

I'm coming off the Acropolis

to start some pandemonium

don't bring limp raps

to a pimp slap symposium

the mad gadfly

philosophy was my invention

rolling with the flyest nihilist

and me, their French henchman

we've got the wisdom

that even I couldn't question

dropping Western medicine

on these East infections!

It's evident,

you've never been

our type of mental brethren

we're better thinkers,

better speakers,

better lovers,

better men!

This type of arrogance

is sure to be expected

from men who speak of wisdom

with no clue of what respect is

you Westerners are sloppy

needing discipline in life

you lack control of yourselves

and of the mic

while we use precise strikes

to disrupt your concentration

hand you an ass whipping

our descendants

will honour for generations

we filled a nation

with patience

and the prescence

for living

and you'll never hold a candle

to the wisdom

we've

written!

Oh, I'll give you something

you can bow and kowtow to

when I squat down and squeeze out

a Tao of Pooh and Lao Tzu

you need to take control

of the life you're given

call me Übermensch

'cause I'm so driven!

And I'm a free thinker,

so, confronting conformists like you,

it's my job

got a sharp whip, like a spit

that'll skewer you

like a Confu-shish kebab

oh, you flubbed the mission

I'm beating your submissive ass

into submission

dishing out more disses

than letters and pamphlets and plays

I’ve been publishing!

Now that we've covered the two

Yin and Yang twins,

I can move on to Jackie Chan

Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu

with my method, man

the seminal general

isn't so tough on the mic

all your men must be like

"Yo, what happened?"

you're pitiful lyrically

lucky for history

you didn't author the Art of Rapping!

Bitch, I wrote the Art of War,

so you better get your guns out

these white boys getting burned

'cause, guess what?

Now the Sun's out

Asians spitting sick,

but no, this isn't SARS,

Laozi, kick the beat,

now, Confucius, drop some bars!

Let me be Candide with you Voltaire,

French dip with the egg noodle hair,

your ego's just distracting

free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping

and you killed God so I gotta ask,

did he die of shame

when he made your moustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche

but you just grew hate,

me no Third Reichy!

And it all starts with you,

you're the father, Socrates,

honestly, I think you owe

both of your students here an apology.

I wouldn't exactly call myself

a student of this plebe,

don't make Nietzsche come over

and put a knee up in your chi!

'Cause I'm

N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E

and I'll end any motherfucker

like my name in a spelling bee!

Plebe, bitch?

I'm toxic like a hemlock sip!

Hang a sandal on the door,

'Cause you can suck Soc's dick!

Sacré bleu, Socrates!

You're making things a little tense,

come, let's blind these Chinese heinies

with some shiny bright enlightenment!

I'll not be taught camaraderie

from a frog who rigged the lottery!

You make a mockery of ethics

so keep your fat nose in your coffee!

Let me be frank,

don't start beef with the Frank,

who hangs with B. Franks,

giving ladies beef franks!

I have turned them on themselves,

their chaos is our opportunity!

We must remember,

a bowl is most useful when it is empty.

Argh, Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect,

but you need to fill your bowl

with some shit that makes some sense!

Oh, you don't wanna stand

in the path of Lao Tzu today,

I'll make you move, bitch,

get out the way!

Yo, where in the tradition

of rap battles is it written

that two dudes on the same team

should squabble

like some clucking chickens?

Man, Confucius,

you always try to put

something in its place

why don't you tell your eyebrows

they need to fit better on your face!

Okay, I see,

you wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head

out of your to-go box hat

so here's the real golden rule,

I'm way above you weak rookies

Confucius say:

"You can all hold these fortune cookies!"

What is winning?

Who is next?

You decide!