Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version
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0:15 - 0:16That's good
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0:16 - 0:17So...
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0:17 - 0:19I'm married
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0:22 - 0:25Ages ago... quiet a long time.
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0:25 - 0:28I've been married for a while. I've got married to... to...
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0:28 - 0:30my wife.
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0:30 - 0:32Seemed appropiate.
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0:32 - 0:34She was... she was my
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0:34 - 0:36childhood sweetheart...
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0:38 - 0:40I met her when I was sevent...
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0:40 - 0:42I met her when I was seventeen
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0:42 - 0:46Actually this is something that is
probably quite uncommon these days, -
0:46 - 0:50probably something you don't wanna know,
but I actually lost my virginity to... -
0:50 - 0:53to the woman I ended up marrying.
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0:56 - 1:00It's not quite as sad as it sounds...
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1:00 - 1:02But it's pretty fucking close.
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1:05 - 1:07But I love her, I love her very much
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1:07 - 1:09and I've written a lot of songs about it.
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1:09 - 1:12Come, come, come...
I thought you left because of the god bashing. -
1:12 - 1:15It's so hard to tell these days
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1:15 - 1:18Pentecostal are more blended. I don't know
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1:24 - 1:28I've written a lot of songs for Sara —
for that is her name — over the years. -
1:28 - 1:30And I always try to include one in my shows.
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1:30 - 1:32This is a sort of thank you really, because...
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1:32 - 1:36I just can't imagine my life without her. And...
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1:36 - 1:37So this is for you Sara
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1:37 - 1:39It's called
"If I didn't have you." -
1:41 - 1:43Yeah
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1:43 - 1:44If I didn't have you
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1:45 - 1:46Yeah
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1:48 - 1:51If I didn't have you to hold me tight
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1:51 - 1:55(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you to lie with at night -
1:55 - 2:00(When I'm feeling blue)
If I didn't have you to share my sights -
2:00 - 2:05(Share my sights)
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry... -
2:05 - 2:08Well I, really think that I would...
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2:08 - 2:10Have somebody else.
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2:12 - 2:14(If I didn't have you)
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2:14 - 2:18If I didn't have you, someone else would do
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2:19 - 2:21Your love is one in a million
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2:21 - 2:25(One in a million)
You couldn't buy it at any price -
2:25 - 2:31(Can't buy love)
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves, -
2:31 - 2:34Statistically some of them would be
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2:34 - 2:36equally nice.
(Equally nice) -
2:36 - 2:40Or maybe not as nice but, say,
smarter than you... -
2:40 - 2:43Or dumber but better at sport or...
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2:43 - 2:45Or fucking tracing
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2:45 - 2:47I'm just saying I
(I really think that I would) -
2:47 - 2:50Probably
(Have somebody else)
Yeah. -
2:52 - 2:53(If I didn't have you)
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2:53 - 2:58If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do) -
2:58 - 3:02If I were a rich man
Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee -
3:02 - 3:06I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy -
3:06 - 3:11Or a nymphomanical exhibitionist heiress
to a large chain of hotels -
3:11 - 3:15If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle
Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls -
3:15 - 3:21I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome
But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea -
3:21 - 3:27And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some
Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable -
3:27 - 3:33And considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful
And I'm really so poor and ugly that you reckon only you could possibly love me -
3:33 - 3:37And I
(Really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else) -
3:40 - 3:42(If I didn't have you)
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3:42 - 3:46If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do) -
3:46 - 3:52Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say
That given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate", -
3:52 - 3:56It's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soul-mate at the age of 17
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3:56 - 4:00It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
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4:00 - 4:04I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth
specifically designed for me -
4:04 - 4:08And if I may conjecture a further objection
love has nothing to do with destined perfection -
4:08 - 4:13The connection is strengthened
the affection simply grows over time -
4:13 - 4:18Like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig,
or a vine, or a sponge, or bigotry... -
4:19 - 4:21or a banana (banana)
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4:21 - 4:26And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama
of shared experience and synergy -
4:26 - 4:28And a kind of symbiotic empathy, or...
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4:28 - 4:30something.
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4:30 - 4:34So I trust it would go without saying
That I would feel really very sad -
4:34 - 4:36
If tomorrow you were to fall off something high -
4:36 - 4:38Or catch something bad.
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4:38 - 4:42But I'm just saying
I don't think you're special -
4:42 - 4:47I mean... I think your special
But you fall within a bell curve -
4:47 - 4:51I mean, I'm just saying I
(Think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else) -
4:51 - 4:54I think you are unique and beautiful
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4:54 - 5:00You make me happy just by being around
(Just being around) -
5:00 - 5:04But objectively you would have to agree that
baby when I found you -
5:04 - 5:08Options were relatively thin on the ground
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5:08 - 5:13(Thin on the ground)
You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you -
5:13 - 5:18And maybe more open to spanking or...
fucking table tennis -
5:18 - 5:22I'm just saying
(That I think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else) -
5:22 - 5:24I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example
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5:24 - 5:27My first girlfriend Jackie hadn't dumped me
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5:27 - 5:31After I kissed Winston's ex girlfriend Neah
at Steph's party back in 1993 -
5:31 - 5:35And our variables would probably have been
altered by the absence of that event -
5:35 - 5:40To have meant the advent
of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet. -
5:40 - 5:43Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life
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5:43 - 5:47Where "what is" is not as it is
and I am not your husband and you are not my wife -
5:47 - 5:49And I am a stuntman living in LA
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5:49 - 5:53Married to a small blonde portugese skier
Who when she's not training -
5:53 - 5:57Does abstract painting, practises yoga, and brews her own beer
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5:57 - 6:02And really like making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia -
6:05 - 6:09But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true
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6:09 - 6:14I have just one life and just one love
and my love that love is you -
6:14 - 6:17And if it wasn't for you
Darling you -
6:17 - 6:20(I really think that I would)
Possibly
(Have somebody else) -
6:20 - 6:23Oh yeah
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6:23 - 6:31(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would surely do
(Someone else would surely do) -
6:31 - 6:34Do the motherfucker do
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6:43 - 6:44So I mmm... yeah...
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6:44 - 6:48I've write that song because I thought... after all the... nasty...
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6:48 - 6:51so I thought I should write one that didn't offend anyone
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6:51 - 6:54But there's always one, you know.
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6:54 - 6:57I came out of my show a couple months ago
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6:57 - 7:02the first time after performing that song, and there was a girl, a young woman. Why, I would've told nineteen or twenty year I couldn't know
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7:02 - 7:08at some point I said "Did you enjoy the show?"
and she said "Yeah it was really good, mostly..." -
7:08 - 7:12And I: "Ok, what didn't you like?"
And she said -
7:12 - 7:18"It's just... I liked it all... it's just...
that "If I didn't have you"... the sexist one..." -
7:18 - 7:24"I just don't like sexist...
that sort of sexist comedy... I just don't find it funny" -
7:24 - 7:32"I was just sitting there all the time thinking
what it would it be like being your wife
being the subject of such a sexist song" -
7:32 - 7:37And I said: "Oh..."
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7:37 - 7:42"You are studying feminism in the Uni"
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7:47 - 7:50I didn't say that. I should have said that!
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7:50 - 7:56But I realized immediately that she made a mistake 'cause she obviously thought that that was a song about love or relationship
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7:56 - 7:59or something when it's quite clearly a song about maths
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7:59 - 8:03And also, I thought: "What a hypocrite!"
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8:03 - 8:06You know, because actually if you think about it
she was being sexist -
8:06 - 8:10In making the rather condescending assumption
that my wife is a woman -
8:10 - 8:14who couldn't handle that sort of humor, that my wife is some kind
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8:14 - 8:18of wilting flower of a woman who
crawls in the corner of my kitchen as I -
8:18 - 8:23periodically beat her with bags of
comedy oranges. -
8:23 - 8:28But it's not the case. I mean Sara and I
share a sense of humor obviously. -
8:28 - 8:31We've been together almost half our lives
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8:31 - 8:34She made me like this
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8:37 - 8:43However if anyone stills thinks I'm sexist I'll give you an example of Sara sense of humor, to clear it up...
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8:43 - 8:48A little bit of back story for this one...
A couple of years ago Sara and I went and did a... -
8:49 - 8:51a baby.
It was good, yeah... -
8:51 - 8:57You should definitely do one if you want but I want to tell you something because I didn't know this right.
When you first get your first baby -
8:57 - 9:02When they're little things, the first couple of months,
you spend your whole life scared shitless. -
9:02 - 9:06Cause tiny babies, they sleep all the time
and when they sleep, they sleep like this, they go: -
10:25 - 10:28Fuck you baby!!!
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10:31 - 10:33And that's how little babies are.
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10:33 - 10:37So anyway when my baby was
about that age, sort of two month old -
10:37 - 10:40my wife and I were... it was evening,
you know, night-time, and we put her in bed -
10:40 - 10:46in a little cart, in a little room,
in our little house, in our little lives... -
10:46 - 10:51And we where sitting there in our
medium size sofa watching quite a big telly -
10:51 - 10:55Just trying to watch a movie, and you know it
was evening, just trying to relax and chill out together -
10:55 - 10:57And about a quarter of the way through the movie I said to Sara
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10:57 - 11:00"I'm just going to pop in and check on the baby"
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11:00 - 11:05And Sara said: "Tim, don't go check
on the baby, just sit down and relax for once..." -
11:05 - 11:12"If she's asleep, you'll just wake her up, and if
she's dead... -
11:12 - 11:15"There's not much we can do about it"
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11:19 - 11:23"We might as well watch
the end of the movie" -
11:23 - 11:27"Get an hour and a half more
happiness before our life collapses" -
11:29 - 11:32So don't worry about my sick fucking wife
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11:36 - 11:39Although, have you noticed...
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11:39 - 11:42Everyone has a line,
don't they, with dark humor -
11:42 - 11:44Everyone has their line, you know,
I've never met anyone who doesn't say -
11:44 - 11:48"I really have a dark sense of humor,
you know, I really like dark comedy" -
11:48 - 11:50Everyone has a line...
"That's very funny, that's very funny" -
11:50 - 11:54"Oh, I'm outraged, I wanna write
a shit letter to a bad news paper" -
11:54 - 11:57I find that line difficult to navigate, I always have
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11:57 - 12:03even in my private life... and still,
just a few months ago, I was in my kitchen -
12:03 - 12:06and my baby who at that stage was not quite 2
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12:06 - 12:11I was wondering in the kitchen making a sandwich and
notice she had found something and stuck it in her mouth -
12:11 - 12:12you know, they put it in their mouths. And I was:
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12:12 - 12:16"Honey came here, what have you got in your mouth there"
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12:16 - 12:22"Spit it out, spit it out... spit it out, good girl.
Darling you don't put coins in your mouth..." -
12:22 - 12:30"Coins are dirty, coins are yuckie, you don't put
coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food..." -
12:30 - 12:32"and a little later on"
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12:32 - 12:34"cock."
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12:35 - 12:40See, I fucking knew that was funny, right?
That's funny, isn't it? -
12:40 - 12:44Exactly!
But my wife was in the kitchen -
12:44 - 12:47And my wife was like: "Tim!"
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12:47 - 12:50"For Christ sake, you can't said that!"
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12:50 - 12:52"She might like pussy!"
- Title:
- Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version
- Description:
-
Tim Minchin's take on love and relationships. Hilarious.
For all official Tim Minchin stuff. (Which this isn't, I'm just a fan)
Please be decent and visit http://www.timminchin.com or his official fan site at http://www.angry-feet.com - Video Language:
- English
- Duration:
- 12:59
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Federico Di Dio edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Retired user edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version | ||
Retired user edited English subtitles for Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You - Full Uncut Version |