That's good

So...

I'm married

Ages ago... quiet a long time.

I've been married for a while. I've got married to... to...

my wife.

Seemed appropiate.

She was... she was my

childhood sweetheart...

I met her when I was sevent...

I met her when I was seventeen

Actually this is something that is
probably quite uncommon these days,

probably something you don't wanna know,
but I actually lost my virginity to...

to the woman I ended up marrying.

It's not quite as sad as it sounds...

But it's pretty fucking close.

But I love her, I love her very much

and I've written a lot of songs about it.

Come, come, come... 
I thought you left because of the god bashing.

It's so hard to tell these days

Pentecostal are more blended. I don't know

I've written a lot of songs for Sara —
for that is her name — over the years.

And I always try to include one in my shows.

This is a sort of thank you really, because...

I just can't imagine my life without her. And...

So this is for you Sara

It's called
"If I didn't have you."

Yeah

If I didn't have you

Yeah

If I didn't have you to hold me tight

(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you to lie with at night

(When I'm feeling blue)
If I didn't have you to share my sights

(Share my sights)
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry...

Well I, really think that I would...

Have somebody else.

(If I didn't have you)

If I didn't have you, someone else would do

Your love is one in a million

(One in a million)
You couldn't buy it at any price

(Can't buy love)
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves,

Statistically some of them would be

equally nice.
(Equally nice)

Or maybe not as nice but, say,
smarter than you...

Or dumber but better at sport or...

Or fucking tracing

I'm just saying I
(I really think that I would)

Probably
(Have somebody else)
Yeah.

(If I didn't have you)

If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

If I were a rich man
Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee

I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy

Or a nymphomanical exhibitionist heiress
to a large chain of hotels

If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle
Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls

I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome
But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea

And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some
Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable

And considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful
And I'm really so poor and ugly that you reckon only you could possibly love me

And I
(Really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

(If I didn't have you)

If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say
That given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate",

It's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soul-mate at the age of 17

It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth

I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth
specifically designed for me

And if I may conjecture a further objection
love has nothing to do with destined perfection

The connection is strengthened
the affection simply grows over time

Like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig,
or a vine, or a sponge, or bigotry...

or a banana (banana)

And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama
of shared experience and synergy

And a kind of symbiotic empathy, or...

something.

So I trust it would go without saying
That I would feel really very sad

If tomorrow you were to fall off something high

Or catch something bad.

But I'm just saying
I don't think you're special

I mean... I think your special
But you fall within a bell curve

I mean, I'm just saying I
(Think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

I think you are unique and beautiful

You make me happy just by being around
(Just being around)

But objectively you would have to agree that
baby when I found you

Options were relatively thin on the ground

(Thin on the ground)
You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you

And maybe more open to spanking or...
fucking table tennis

I'm just saying
(That I think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example

My first girlfriend Jackie hadn't dumped me

After I kissed Winston's ex girlfriend Neah
at Steph's party back in 1993

And our variables would probably have been
altered by the absence of that event

To have meant the advent
of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet.

Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life

Where "what is" is not as it is
and I am not your husband and you are not my wife

And I am a stuntman living in LA

Married to a small blonde portugese skier
Who when she's not training

Does abstract painting, practises yoga, and brews her own beer

And really like making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia

But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true

I have just one life and just one love
and my love that love is you

And if it wasn't for you
Darling you

(I really think that I would)
Possibly
(Have somebody else)

Oh yeah

(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would surely do
(Someone else would surely do)

Do the motherfucker do

So I mmm... yeah...

I've write that song because I thought... after all the... nasty...

so I thought I should write one that didn't offend anyone

But there's always one, you know.

I came out of my show a couple months ago

the first time after performing that song, and there was a girl, a young woman. Why, I would've told nineteen or twenty year I couldn't know

at some point I said "Did you enjoy the show?"
and she said "Yeah it was really good, mostly..."

And I: "Ok, what didn't you like?"
And she said

"It's just... I liked it all... it's just...
that "If I didn't have you"... the sexist one..."

"I just don't like sexist...
that sort of sexist comedy... I just don't find it funny"

"I was just sitting there all the time thinking
what it would it be like being your wife
being the subject of such a sexist song"

And I said: "Oh..."

"You are studying feminism in the Uni"

I didn't say that. I should have said that!

But I realized immediately that she made a mistake 'cause she obviously thought that that was a song about love or relationship

or something when it's quite clearly a song about maths

And also, I thought: "What a hypocrite!"

You know, because actually if you think about it
she was being sexist

In making the rather condescending assumption
that my wife is a woman

who couldn't handle that sort of humor, that my wife is some kind

of wilting flower of a woman who
crawls in the corner of my kitchen as I

periodically beat her with bags of
comedy oranges.

But it's not the case. I mean Sara and I
share a sense of humor obviously.

We've been together almost half our lives

She made me like this

However if anyone stills thinks I'm sexist I'll give you an example of Sara sense of humor, to clear it up...

A little bit of back story for this one...
A couple of years ago Sara and I went and did a...

a baby.
It was good, yeah...

You should definitely do one if you want but I want to tell you something because I didn't know this right.
When you first get your first baby

When they're little things, the first couple of months,
you spend your whole life scared shitless.

Cause tiny babies, they sleep all the time
and when they sleep, they sleep like this, they go:

Fuck you baby!!!

And that's how little babies are.

So anyway when my baby was
about that age, sort of two month old

my wife and I were... it was evening,
you know, night-time, and we put her in bed

in a little cart, in a little room,
in our little house, in our little lives...

And we where sitting there in our
medium size sofa watching quite a big telly

Just trying to watch a movie, and you know it
was evening, just trying to relax and chill out together

And about a quarter of the way through the movie I said to Sara

"I'm just going to pop in and check on the baby"

And Sara said: "Tim, don't go check
on the baby, just sit down and relax for once..."

"If she's asleep, you'll just wake her up, and if
she's dead...

"There's not much we can do about it"

"We might as well watch
the end of the movie"

"Get an hour and a half more
happiness before our life collapses"

So don't worry about my sick fucking wife

Although, have you noticed...

Everyone has a line,
don't they, with dark humor

Everyone has their line, you know,
I've never met anyone who doesn't say

"I really have a dark sense of humor,
you know, I really like dark comedy"

Everyone has a line...
"That's very funny, that's very funny"

"Oh, I'm outraged, I wanna write
a shit letter to a bad news paper"

I find that line difficult to navigate, I always have

even in my private life... and still,
just a few months ago, I was in my kitchen

and my baby who at that stage was not quite 2

I was wondering in the kitchen making a sandwich and
notice she had found something and stuck it in her mouth

you know, they put it in their mouths. And I was:

"Honey came here, what have you got in your mouth there"

"Spit it out, spit it out... spit it out, good girl.
Darling you don't put coins in your mouth..."

"Coins are dirty, coins are yuckie, you don't put
coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food..."

"and a little later on"

"cock."

See, I fucking knew that was funny, right?
That's funny, isn't it?

Exactly!
But my wife was in the kitchen

And my wife was like: "Tim!"

"For Christ sake, you can't said that!"

"She might like pussy!"