WEBVTT 00:00:14.528 --> 00:00:16.331 That's good 00:00:16.331 --> 00:00:17.406 So... 00:00:17.406 --> 00:00:19.456 I'm married 00:00:22.341 --> 00:00:24.781 Ages ago... quiet a long time. 00:00:24.781 --> 00:00:27.916 I've been married for a while. I've got married to... to... 00:00:27.916 --> 00:00:29.507 my wife. 00:00:29.787 --> 00:00:31.917 Seemed appropiate. 00:00:31.917 --> 00:00:33.897 She was... she was my 00:00:33.897 --> 00:00:35.828 childhood sweetheart... 00:00:38.168 --> 00:00:39.768 I met her when I was sevent... 00:00:39.768 --> 00:00:42.156 I met her when I was seventeen 00:00:42.156 --> 00:00:45.623 Actually this is something that is probably quite uncommon these days, 00:00:45.623 --> 00:00:50.491 probably something you don't wanna know, but I actually lost my virginity to... 00:00:50.491 --> 00:00:52.830 to the woman I ended up marrying. 00:00:56.080 --> 00:00:59.689 It's not quite as sad as it sounds... 00:00:59.689 --> 00:01:02.029 But it's pretty fucking close. 00:01:05.069 --> 00:01:07.124 But I love her, I love her very much 00:01:07.124 --> 00:01:08.607 and I've written a lot of songs about it. 00:01:08.607 --> 00:01:11.877 Come, come, come... I thought you left because of the god bashing. 00:01:11.877 --> 00:01:14.805 It's so hard to tell these days 00:01:14.805 --> 00:01:18.484 Pentecostal are more blended. I don't know 00:01:23.729 --> 00:01:27.669 I've written a lot of songs for Sara — for that is her name — over the years. 00:01:27.669 --> 00:01:29.969 And I always try to include one in my shows. 00:01:29.969 --> 00:01:32.054 This is a sort of thank you really, because... 00:01:32.054 --> 00:01:35.787 I just can't imagine my life without her. And... 00:01:35.787 --> 00:01:36.977 So this is for you Sara 00:01:36.977 --> 00:01:38.627 It's called "If I didn't have you." 00:01:40.577 --> 00:01:42.557 Yeah 00:01:42.557 --> 00:01:43.984 If I didn't have you 00:01:45.304 --> 00:01:46.221 Yeah 00:01:47.731 --> 00:01:51.131 If I didn't have you to hold me tight 00:01:51.131 --> 00:01:55.297 (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you to lie with at night 00:01:55.297 --> 00:02:00.024 (When I'm feeling blue) If I didn't have you to share my sights 00:02:00.024 --> 00:02:05.032 (Share my sights) And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry... 00:02:05.032 --> 00:02:08.264 Well I, really think that I would... 00:02:08.264 --> 00:02:10.175 Have somebody else. 00:02:12.465 --> 00:02:14.104 (If I didn't have you) 00:02:14.104 --> 00:02:17.679 If I didn't have you, someone else would do 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:21.371 Your love is one in a million 00:02:21.371 --> 00:02:25.033 (One in a million) You couldn't buy it at any price 00:02:25.033 --> 00:02:31.392 (Can't buy love) But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves, 00:02:31.392 --> 00:02:34.133 Statistically some of them would be 00:02:34.133 --> 00:02:35.867 equally nice. (Equally nice) 00:02:35.867 --> 00:02:39.995 Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you... 00:02:39.995 --> 00:02:43.336 Or dumber but better at sport or... 00:02:43.336 --> 00:02:45.236 Or fucking tracing 00:02:45.236 --> 00:02:47.371 I'm just saying I (I really think that I would) 00:02:47.371 --> 00:02:50.409 Probably (Have somebody else) Yeah. 00:02:51.732 --> 00:02:53.385 (If I didn't have you) 00:02:53.385 --> 00:02:57.598 If I didn't have you someone else would do (Someone else would surely do) 00:02:57.598 --> 00:03:01.938 If I were a rich man Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee 00:03:01.938 --> 00:03:06.327 I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy 00:03:06.327 --> 00:03:10.739 Or a nymphomanical exhibitionist heiress to a large chain of hotels 00:03:10.739 --> 00:03:15.352 If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls 00:03:15.352 --> 00:03:21.381 I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea 00:03:21.381 --> 00:03:26.845 And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable 00:03:26.845 --> 00:03:33.317 And considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful And I'm really so poor and ugly that you reckon only you could possibly love me 00:03:33.317 --> 00:03:37.468 And I (Really think that I would) Probably (Have somebody else) 00:03:39.960 --> 00:03:41.570 (If I didn't have you) 00:03:41.570 --> 00:03:45.518 If I didn't have you someone else would do (Someone else would surely do) 00:03:45.518 --> 00:03:51.799 Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say That given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate", 00:03:51.799 --> 00:03:55.908 It's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soul-mate at the age of 17 00:03:55.908 --> 00:03:59.537 It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth 00:03:59.537 --> 00:04:03.578 I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth specifically designed for me 00:04:03.578 --> 00:04:08.041 And if I may conjecture a further objection love has nothing to do with destined perfection 00:04:08.041 --> 00:04:12.597 The connection is strengthened the affection simply grows over time 00:04:12.597 --> 00:04:17.863 Like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig, or a vine, or a sponge, or bigotry... 00:04:18.986 --> 00:04:21.105 or a banana (banana) 00:04:21.105 --> 00:04:25.504 And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience and synergy 00:04:25.504 --> 00:04:28.289 And a kind of symbiotic empathy, or... 00:04:28.289 --> 00:04:29.584 something. 00:04:29.584 --> 00:04:33.826 So I trust it would go without saying That I would feel really very sad 00:04:33.826 --> 00:04:36.006 If tomorrow you were to fall off something high 00:04:36.006 --> 00:04:37.868 Or catch something bad. 00:04:37.868 --> 00:04:41.751 But I'm just saying I don't think you're special 00:04:41.751 --> 00:04:46.787 I mean... I think your special But you fall within a bell curve 00:04:46.787 --> 00:04:51.315 I mean, I'm just saying I (Think that I would) Probably (Have somebody else) 00:04:51.315 --> 00:04:54.217 I think you are unique and beautiful 00:04:54.217 --> 00:04:59.527 You make me happy just by being around (Just being around) 00:04:59.527 --> 00:05:04.143 But objectively you would have to agree that baby when I found you 00:05:04.143 --> 00:05:08.167 Options were relatively thin on the ground 00:05:08.167 --> 00:05:12.521 (Thin on the ground) You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you 00:05:12.521 --> 00:05:17.770 And maybe more open to spanking or... fucking table tennis 00:05:17.770 --> 00:05:21.571 I'm just saying (That I think that I would) Probably (Have somebody else) 00:05:21.571 --> 00:05:24.239 I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example 00:05:24.239 --> 00:05:26.786 My first girlfriend Jackie hadn't dumped me 00:05:26.786 --> 00:05:30.956 After I kissed Winston's ex girlfriend Neah at Steph's party back in 1993 00:05:30.956 --> 00:05:35.441 And our variables would probably have been altered by the absence of that event 00:05:35.441 --> 00:05:39.566 To have meant the advent of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet. 00:05:39.566 --> 00:05:43.319 Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life 00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:47.223 Where "what is" is not as it is and I am not your husband and you are not my wife 00:05:47.223 --> 00:05:49.421 And I am a stuntman living in LA 00:05:49.421 --> 00:05:52.811 Married to a small blonde portugese skier Who when she's not training 00:05:52.811 --> 00:05:56.784 Does abstract painting, practises yoga, and brews her own beer 00:05:56.784 --> 00:06:02.071 And really like making home movies And suffers neck down alopecia 00:06:05.094 --> 00:06:09.386 But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true 00:06:09.386 --> 00:06:13.777 I have just one life and just one love and my love that love is you 00:06:13.777 --> 00:06:17.086 And if it wasn't for you Darling you 00:06:17.086 --> 00:06:20.158 (I really think that I would) Possibly (Have somebody else) 00:06:20.158 --> 00:06:23.498 Oh yeah 00:06:23.498 --> 00:06:30.931 (If I didn't have you) If I didn't have you someone else would surely do (Someone else would surely do) 00:06:30.931 --> 00:06:33.777 Do the motherfucker do 00:06:42.577 --> 00:06:44.483 So I mmm... yeah... 00:06:44.483 --> 00:06:48.001 I've write that song because I thought... after all the... nasty... 00:06:48.001 --> 00:06:51.271 so I thought I should write one that didn't offend anyone 00:06:51.271 --> 00:06:54.236 But there's always one, you know. 00:06:54.236 --> 00:06:57.003 I came out of my show a couple months ago 00:06:57.003 --> 00:07:02.074 the first time after performing that song, and there was a girl, a young woman. Why, I would've told nineteen or twenty year I couldn't know 00:07:02.074 --> 00:07:07.677 at some point I said "Did you enjoy the show?" and she said "Yeah it was really good, mostly..." 00:07:07.677 --> 00:07:12.105 And I: "Ok, what didn't you like?" And she said 00:07:12.105 --> 00:07:17.715 "It's just... I liked it all... it's just... that "If I didn't have you"... the sexist one..." 00:07:17.715 --> 00:07:23.840 "I just don't like sexist... that sort of sexist comedy... I just don't find it funny" 00:07:23.840 --> 00:07:32.271 "I was just sitting there all the time thinking what it would it be like being your wife being the subject of such a sexist song" 00:07:32.271 --> 00:07:37.481 And I said: "Oh..." 00:07:37.481 --> 00:07:41.565 "You are studying feminism in the Uni" 00:07:47.314 --> 00:07:49.974 I didn't say that. I should have said that! 00:07:49.974 --> 00:07:55.880 But I realized immediately that she made a mistake 'cause she obviously thought that that was a song about love or relationship 00:07:55.880 --> 00:07:59.398 or something when it's quite clearly a song about maths 00:07:59.398 --> 00:08:02.833 And also, I thought: "What a hypocrite!" 00:08:02.833 --> 00:08:06.239 You know, because actually if you think about it she was being sexist 00:08:06.239 --> 00:08:10.090 In making the rather condescending assumption that my wife is a woman 00:08:10.090 --> 00:08:13.671 who couldn't handle that sort of humor, that my wife is some kind 00:08:13.671 --> 00:08:18.025 of wilting flower of a woman who crawls in the corner of my kitchen as I 00:08:18.025 --> 00:08:22.845 periodically beat her with bags of comedy oranges. 00:08:22.845 --> 00:08:27.820 But it's not the case. I mean Sara and I share a sense of humor obviously. 00:08:27.820 --> 00:08:30.879 We've been together almost half our lives 00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:34.044 She made me like this 00:08:37.217 --> 00:08:42.757 However if anyone stills thinks I'm sexist I'll give you an example of Sara sense of humor, to clear it up... 00:08:42.757 --> 00:08:47.840 A little bit of back story for this one... A couple of years ago Sara and I went and did a... 00:08:49.040 --> 00:08:51.257 a baby. It was good, yeah... 00:08:51.257 --> 00:08:57.325 You should definitely do one if you want but I want to tell you something because I didn't know this right. When you first get your first baby 00:08:57.325 --> 00:09:01.640 When they're little things, the first couple of months, you spend your whole life scared shitless. 00:09:01.640 --> 00:09:05.680 Cause tiny babies, they sleep all the time and when they sleep, they sleep like this, they go: 00:10:24.813 --> 00:10:27.937 Fuck you baby!!! 00:10:30.957 --> 00:10:33.099 And that's how little babies are. 00:10:33.099 --> 00:10:36.525 So anyway when my baby was about that age, sort of two month old 00:10:36.525 --> 00:10:40.001 my wife and I were... it was evening, you know, night-time, and we put her in bed 00:10:40.001 --> 00:10:45.540 in a little cart, in a little room, in our little house, in our little lives... 00:10:45.540 --> 00:10:50.762 And we where sitting there in our medium size sofa watching quite a big telly 00:10:50.762 --> 00:10:55.234 Just trying to watch a movie, and you know it was evening, just trying to relax and chill out together 00:10:55.234 --> 00:10:57.439 And about a quarter of the way through the movie I said to Sara 00:10:57.439 --> 00:10:59.727 "I'm just going to pop in and check on the baby" 00:10:59.727 --> 00:11:05.108 And Sara said: "Tim, don't go check on the baby, just sit down and relax for once..." 00:11:05.108 --> 00:11:11.699 "If she's asleep, you'll just wake her up, and if she's dead... 00:11:12.497 --> 00:11:15.497 "There's not much we can do about it" 00:11:18.724 --> 00:11:22.886 "We might as well watch the end of the movie" 00:11:22.886 --> 00:11:26.831 "Get an hour and a half more happiness before our life collapses" 00:11:28.579 --> 00:11:32.360 So don't worry about my sick fucking wife 00:11:35.968 --> 00:11:38.927 Although, have you noticed... 00:11:38.927 --> 00:11:41.927 Everyone has a line, don't they, with dark humor 00:11:41.927 --> 00:11:44.290 Everyone has their line, you know, I've never met anyone who doesn't say 00:11:44.290 --> 00:11:47.857 "I really have a dark sense of humor, you know, I really like dark comedy" 00:11:47.857 --> 00:11:49.549 Everyone has a line... "That's very funny, that's very funny" 00:11:49.549 --> 00:11:54.038 "Oh, I'm outraged, I wanna write a shit letter to a bad news paper" 00:11:54.038 --> 00:11:57.352 I find that line difficult to navigate, I always have 00:11:57.352 --> 00:12:02.621 even in my private life... and still, just a few months ago, I was in my kitchen 00:12:02.621 --> 00:12:06.430 and my baby who at that stage was not quite 2 00:12:06.430 --> 00:12:10.634 I was wondering in the kitchen making a sandwich and notice she had found something and stuck it in her mouth 00:12:10.634 --> 00:12:12.249 you know, they put it in their mouths. And I was: 00:12:12.249 --> 00:12:16.281 "Honey came here, what have you got in your mouth there" 00:12:16.281 --> 00:12:22.324 "Spit it out, spit it out... spit it out, good girl. Darling you don't put coins in your mouth..." 00:12:22.324 --> 00:12:30.248 "Coins are dirty, coins are yuckie, you don't put coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food..." 00:12:30.248 --> 00:12:31.804 "and a little later on" 00:12:31.804 --> 00:12:34.084 "cock." 00:12:35.294 --> 00:12:39.854 See, I fucking knew that was funny, right? That's funny, isn't it? 00:12:39.854 --> 00:12:44.014 Exactly! But my wife was in the kitchen 00:12:44.014 --> 00:12:46.786 And my wife was like: "Tim!" 00:12:46.786 --> 00:12:50.291 "For Christ sake, you can't said that!" 00:12:50.291 --> 00:12:52.082 "She might like pussy!"