0:00:14.528,0:00:16.331 That's good 0:00:16.331,0:00:17.406 So... 0:00:17.406,0:00:19.456 I'm married 0:00:22.341,0:00:24.781 Ages ago... quiet a long time. 0:00:24.781,0:00:27.916 I've been married for a while. I've got married to... to... 0:00:27.916,0:00:29.507 my wife. 0:00:29.787,0:00:31.917 Seemed appropiate. 0:00:31.917,0:00:33.897 She was... she was my 0:00:33.897,0:00:35.828 childhood sweetheart... 0:00:38.168,0:00:39.768 I met her when I was sevent... 0:00:39.768,0:00:42.156 I met her when I was seventeen 0:00:42.156,0:00:45.623 Actually this is something that is[br]probably quite uncommon these days, 0:00:45.623,0:00:50.491 probably something you don't wanna know,[br]but I actually lost my virginity to... 0:00:50.491,0:00:52.830 to the woman I ended up marrying. 0:00:56.080,0:00:59.689 It's not quite as sad as it sounds... 0:00:59.689,0:01:02.029 But it's pretty fucking close. 0:01:05.069,0:01:07.124 But I love her, I love her very much 0:01:07.124,0:01:08.607 and I've written a lot of songs about it. 0:01:08.607,0:01:11.877 Come, come, come... [br]I thought you left because of the god bashing. 0:01:11.877,0:01:14.805 It's so hard to tell these days 0:01:14.805,0:01:18.484 Pentecostal are more blended. I don't know 0:01:23.729,0:01:27.669 I've written a lot of songs for Sara —[br]for that is her name — over the years. 0:01:27.669,0:01:29.969 And I always try to include one in my shows. 0:01:29.969,0:01:32.054 This is a sort of thank you really, because... 0:01:32.054,0:01:35.787 I just can't imagine my life without her. And... 0:01:35.787,0:01:36.977 So this is for you Sara 0:01:36.977,0:01:38.627 It's called[br]"If I didn't have you." 0:01:40.577,0:01:42.557 Yeah 0:01:42.557,0:01:43.984 If I didn't have you 0:01:45.304,0:01:46.221 Yeah 0:01:47.731,0:01:51.131 If I didn't have you to hold me tight 0:01:51.131,0:01:55.297 (If I didn't have you)[br]If I didn't have you to lie with at night 0:01:55.297,0:02:00.024 (When I'm feeling blue)[br]If I didn't have you to share my sights 0:02:00.024,0:02:05.032 (Share my sights)[br]And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry... 0:02:05.032,0:02:08.264 Well I, really think that I would... 0:02:08.264,0:02:10.175 Have somebody else. 0:02:12.465,0:02:14.104 (If I didn't have you) 0:02:14.104,0:02:17.679 If I didn't have you, someone else would do 0:02:18.759,0:02:21.371 Your love is one in a million 0:02:21.371,0:02:25.033 (One in a million)[br]You couldn't buy it at any price 0:02:25.033,0:02:31.392 (Can't buy love)[br]But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves, 0:02:31.392,0:02:34.133 Statistically some of them would be 0:02:34.133,0:02:35.867 equally nice.[br](Equally nice) 0:02:35.867,0:02:39.995 Or maybe not as nice but, say,[br]smarter than you... 0:02:39.995,0:02:43.336 Or dumber but better at sport or... 0:02:43.336,0:02:45.236 Or fucking tracing 0:02:45.236,0:02:47.371 I'm just saying I[br](I really think that I would) 0:02:47.371,0:02:50.409 Probably[br](Have somebody else)[br]Yeah. 0:02:51.732,0:02:53.385 (If I didn't have you) 0:02:53.385,0:02:57.598 If I didn't have you someone else would do[br](Someone else would surely do) 0:02:57.598,0:03:01.938 If I were a rich man[br]Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee 0:03:01.938,0:03:06.327 I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model[br]Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy 0:03:06.327,0:03:10.739 Or a nymphomanical exhibitionist heiress[br]to a large chain of hotels 0:03:10.739,0:03:15.352 If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle[br]Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls 0:03:15.352,0:03:21.381 I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome[br]But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea 0:03:21.381,0:03:26.845 And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some[br]Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable 0:03:26.845,0:03:33.317 And considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful[br]And I'm really so poor and ugly that you reckon only you could possibly love me 0:03:33.317,0:03:37.468 And I[br](Really think that I would)[br]Probably[br](Have somebody else) 0:03:39.960,0:03:41.570 (If I didn't have you) 0:03:41.570,0:03:45.518 If I didn't have you someone else would do[br](Someone else would surely do) 0:03:45.518,0:03:51.799 Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say[br]That given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate", 0:03:51.799,0:03:55.908 It's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soul-mate at the age of 17 0:03:55.908,0:03:59.537 It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth 0:03:59.537,0:04:03.578 I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth[br]specifically designed for me 0:04:03.578,0:04:08.041 And if I may conjecture a further objection[br]love has nothing to do with destined perfection 0:04:08.041,0:04:12.597 The connection is strengthened[br]the affection simply grows over time 0:04:12.597,0:04:17.863 Like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig,[br]or a vine, or a sponge, or bigotry... 0:04:18.986,0:04:21.105 or a banana (banana) 0:04:21.105,0:04:25.504 And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama[br]of shared experience and synergy 0:04:25.504,0:04:28.289 And a kind of symbiotic empathy, or... 0:04:28.289,0:04:29.584 something. 0:04:29.584,0:04:33.826 So I trust it would go without saying[br]That I would feel really very sad 0:04:33.826,0:04:36.006 [br]If tomorrow you were to fall off something high 0:04:36.006,0:04:37.868 Or catch something bad. 0:04:37.868,0:04:41.751 But I'm just saying[br]I don't think you're special 0:04:41.751,0:04:46.787 I mean... I think your special[br]But you fall within a bell curve 0:04:46.787,0:04:51.315 I mean, I'm just saying I[br](Think that I would)[br]Probably[br](Have somebody else) 0:04:51.315,0:04:54.217 I think you are unique and beautiful 0:04:54.217,0:04:59.527 You make me happy just by being around[br](Just being around) 0:04:59.527,0:05:04.143 But objectively you would have to agree that[br]baby when I found you 0:05:04.143,0:05:08.167 Options were relatively thin on the ground 0:05:08.167,0:05:12.521 (Thin on the ground)[br]You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you 0:05:12.521,0:05:17.770 And maybe more open to spanking or...[br]fucking table tennis 0:05:17.770,0:05:21.571 I'm just saying[br](That I think that I would)[br]Probably[br](Have somebody else) 0:05:21.571,0:05:24.239 I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example 0:05:24.239,0:05:26.786 My first girlfriend Jackie hadn't dumped me 0:05:26.786,0:05:30.956 After I kissed Winston's ex girlfriend Neah[br]at Steph's party back in 1993 0:05:30.956,0:05:35.441 And our variables would probably have been[br]altered by the absence of that event 0:05:35.441,0:05:39.566 To have meant the advent[br]of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet. 0:05:39.566,0:05:43.319 Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life 0:05:43.319,0:05:47.223 Where "what is" is not as it is[br]and I am not your husband and you are not my wife 0:05:47.223,0:05:49.421 And I am a stuntman living in LA 0:05:49.421,0:05:52.811 Married to a small blonde portugese skier[br]Who when she's not training 0:05:52.811,0:05:56.784 Does abstract painting, practises yoga, and brews her own beer 0:05:56.784,0:06:02.071 And really like making home movies[br]And suffers neck down alopecia 0:06:05.094,0:06:09.386 But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true 0:06:09.386,0:06:13.777 I have just one life and just one love[br]and my love that love is you 0:06:13.777,0:06:17.086 And if it wasn't for you[br]Darling you 0:06:17.086,0:06:20.158 (I really think that I would)[br]Possibly[br](Have somebody else) 0:06:20.158,0:06:23.498 Oh yeah 0:06:23.498,0:06:30.931 (If I didn't have you)[br]If I didn't have you someone else would surely do[br](Someone else would surely do) 0:06:30.931,0:06:33.777 Do the motherfucker do 0:06:42.577,0:06:44.483 So I mmm... yeah... 0:06:44.483,0:06:48.001 I've write that song because I thought... after all the... nasty... 0:06:48.001,0:06:51.271 so I thought I should write one that didn't offend anyone 0:06:51.271,0:06:54.236 But there's always one, you know. 0:06:54.236,0:06:57.003 I came out of my show a couple months ago 0:06:57.003,0:07:02.074 the first time after performing that song, and there was a girl, a young woman. Why, I would've told nineteen or twenty year I couldn't know 0:07:02.074,0:07:07.677 at some point I said "Did you enjoy the show?"[br]and she said "Yeah it was really good, mostly..." 0:07:07.677,0:07:12.105 And I: "Ok, what didn't you like?"[br]And she said 0:07:12.105,0:07:17.715 "It's just... I liked it all... it's just...[br]that "If I didn't have you"... the sexist one..." 0:07:17.715,0:07:23.840 "I just don't like sexist...[br]that sort of sexist comedy... I just don't find it funny" 0:07:23.840,0:07:32.271 "I was just sitting there all the time thinking[br]what it would it be like being your wife[br]being the subject of such a sexist song" 0:07:32.271,0:07:37.481 And I said: "Oh..." 0:07:37.481,0:07:41.565 "You are studying feminism in the Uni" 0:07:47.314,0:07:49.974 I didn't say that. I should have said that! 0:07:49.974,0:07:55.880 But I realized immediately that she made a mistake 'cause she obviously thought that that was a song about love or relationship 0:07:55.880,0:07:59.398 or something when it's quite clearly a song about maths 0:07:59.398,0:08:02.833 And also, I thought: "What a hypocrite!" 0:08:02.833,0:08:06.239 You know, because actually if you think about it[br]she was being sexist 0:08:06.239,0:08:10.090 In making the rather condescending assumption[br]that my wife is a woman 0:08:10.090,0:08:13.671 who couldn't handle that sort of humor, that my wife is some kind 0:08:13.671,0:08:18.025 of wilting flower of a woman who[br]crawls in the corner of my kitchen as I 0:08:18.025,0:08:22.845 periodically beat her with bags of[br]comedy oranges. 0:08:22.845,0:08:27.820 But it's not the case. I mean Sara and I[br]share a sense of humor obviously. 0:08:27.820,0:08:30.879 We've been together almost half our lives 0:08:30.879,0:08:34.044 She made me like this 0:08:37.217,0:08:42.757 However if anyone stills thinks I'm sexist I'll give you an example of Sara sense of humor, to clear it up... 0:08:42.757,0:08:47.840 A little bit of back story for this one...[br]A couple of years ago Sara and I went and did a... 0:08:49.040,0:08:51.257 a baby.[br]It was good, yeah... 0:08:51.257,0:08:57.325 You should definitely do one if you want but I want to tell you something because I didn't know this right.[br]When you first get your first baby 0:08:57.325,0:09:01.640 When they're little things, the first couple of months,[br]you spend your whole life scared shitless. 0:09:01.640,0:09:05.680 Cause tiny babies, they sleep all the time[br]and when they sleep, they sleep like this, they go: 0:10:24.813,0:10:27.937 Fuck you baby!!! 0:10:30.957,0:10:33.099 And that's how little babies are. 0:10:33.099,0:10:36.525 So anyway when my baby was[br]about that age, sort of two month old 0:10:36.525,0:10:40.001 my wife and I were... it was evening,[br]you know, night-time, and we put her in bed 0:10:40.001,0:10:45.540 in a little cart, in a little room,[br]in our little house, in our little lives... 0:10:45.540,0:10:50.762 And we where sitting there in our[br]medium size sofa watching quite a big telly 0:10:50.762,0:10:55.234 Just trying to watch a movie, and you know it[br]was evening, just trying to relax and chill out together 0:10:55.234,0:10:57.439 And about a quarter of the way through the movie I said to Sara 0:10:57.439,0:10:59.727 "I'm just going to pop in and check on the baby" 0:10:59.727,0:11:05.108 And Sara said: "Tim, don't go check[br]on the baby, just sit down and relax for once..." 0:11:05.108,0:11:11.699 "If she's asleep, you'll just wake her up, and if[br]she's dead... 0:11:12.497,0:11:15.497 "There's not much we can do about it" 0:11:18.724,0:11:22.886 "We might as well watch[br]the end of the movie" 0:11:22.886,0:11:26.831 "Get an hour and a half more[br]happiness before our life collapses" 0:11:28.579,0:11:32.360 So don't worry about my sick fucking wife 0:11:35.968,0:11:38.927 Although, have you noticed... 0:11:38.927,0:11:41.927 Everyone has a line,[br]don't they, with dark humor 0:11:41.927,0:11:44.290 Everyone has their line, you know,[br]I've never met anyone who doesn't say 0:11:44.290,0:11:47.857 "I really have a dark sense of humor,[br]you know, I really like dark comedy" 0:11:47.857,0:11:49.549 Everyone has a line...[br]"That's very funny, that's very funny" 0:11:49.549,0:11:54.038 "Oh, I'm outraged, I wanna write[br]a shit letter to a bad news paper" 0:11:54.038,0:11:57.352 I find that line difficult to navigate, I always have 0:11:57.352,0:12:02.621 even in my private life... and still,[br]just a few months ago, I was in my kitchen 0:12:02.621,0:12:06.430 and my baby who at that stage was not quite 2 0:12:06.430,0:12:10.634 I was wondering in the kitchen making a sandwich and[br]notice she had found something and stuck it in her mouth 0:12:10.634,0:12:12.249 you know, they put it in their mouths. And I was: 0:12:12.249,0:12:16.281 "Honey came here, what have you got in your mouth there" 0:12:16.281,0:12:22.324 "Spit it out, spit it out... spit it out, good girl.[br]Darling you don't put coins in your mouth..." 0:12:22.324,0:12:30.248 "Coins are dirty, coins are yuckie, you don't put[br]coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food..." 0:12:30.248,0:12:31.804 "and a little later on" 0:12:31.804,0:12:34.084 "cock." 0:12:35.294,0:12:39.854 See, I fucking knew that was funny, right?[br]That's funny, isn't it? 0:12:39.854,0:12:44.014 Exactly![br]But my wife was in the kitchen 0:12:44.014,0:12:46.786 And my wife was like: "Tim!" 0:12:46.786,0:12:50.291 "For Christ sake, you can't said that!" 0:12:50.291,0:12:52.082 "She might like pussy!"