1
00:00:14,528 --> 00:00:16,331
That's good

2
00:00:16,331 --> 00:00:17,406
So...

3
00:00:17,406 --> 00:00:19,456
I'm married

4
00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:24,781
Ages ago... quiet a long time.

5
00:00:24,781 --> 00:00:27,916
I've been married for a while. I've got married to... to...

6
00:00:27,916 --> 00:00:29,507
my wife.

7
00:00:29,787 --> 00:00:31,917
Seemed appropiate.

8
00:00:31,917 --> 00:00:33,897
She was... she was my

9
00:00:33,897 --> 00:00:35,828
childhood sweetheart...

10
00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:39,768
I met her when I was sevent...

11
00:00:39,768 --> 00:00:42,156
I met her when I was seventeen

12
00:00:42,156 --> 00:00:45,623
Actually this is something that is
probably quite uncommon these days,

13
00:00:45,623 --> 00:00:50,491
probably something you don't wanna know,
but I actually lost my virginity to...

14
00:00:50,491 --> 00:00:52,830
to the woman I ended up marrying.

15
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It's not quite as sad as it sounds...

16
00:00:59,689 --> 00:01:02,029
But it's pretty fucking close.

17
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But I love her, I love her very much

18
00:01:07,124 --> 00:01:08,607
and I've written a lot of songs about it.

19
00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:11,877
Come, come, come... 
I thought you left because of the god bashing.

20
00:01:11,877 --> 00:01:14,805
It's so hard to tell these days

21
00:01:14,805 --> 00:01:18,484
Pentecostal are more blended. I don't know

22
00:01:23,729 --> 00:01:27,669
I've written a lot of songs for Sara —
for that is her name — over the years.

23
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And I always try to include one in my shows.

24
00:01:29,969 --> 00:01:32,054
This is a sort of thank you really, because...

25
00:01:32,054 --> 00:01:35,787
I just can't imagine my life without her. And...

26
00:01:35,787 --> 00:01:36,977
So this is for you Sara

27
00:01:36,977 --> 00:01:38,627
It's called
"If I didn't have you."

28
00:01:40,577 --> 00:01:42,557
Yeah

29
00:01:42,557 --> 00:01:43,984
If I didn't have you

30
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Yeah

31
00:01:47,731 --> 00:01:51,131
If I didn't have you to hold me tight

32
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(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you to lie with at night

33
00:01:55,297 --> 00:02:00,024
(When I'm feeling blue)
If I didn't have you to share my sights

34
00:02:00,024 --> 00:02:05,032
(Share my sights)
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry...

35
00:02:05,032 --> 00:02:08,264
Well I, really think that I would...

36
00:02:08,264 --> 00:02:10,175
Have somebody else.

37
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,104
(If I didn't have you)

38
00:02:14,104 --> 00:02:17,679
If I didn't have you, someone else would do

39
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,371
Your love is one in a million

40
00:02:21,371 --> 00:02:25,033
(One in a million)
You couldn't buy it at any price

41
00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:31,392
(Can't buy love)
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves,

42
00:02:31,392 --> 00:02:34,133
Statistically some of them would be

43
00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,867
equally nice.
(Equally nice)

44
00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:39,995
Or maybe not as nice but, say,
smarter than you...

45
00:02:39,995 --> 00:02:43,336
Or dumber but better at sport or...

46
00:02:43,336 --> 00:02:45,236
Or fucking tracing

47
00:02:45,236 --> 00:02:47,371
I'm just saying I
(I really think that I would)

48
00:02:47,371 --> 00:02:50,409
Probably
(Have somebody else)
Yeah.

49
00:02:51,732 --> 00:02:53,385
(If I didn't have you)

50
00:02:53,385 --> 00:02:57,598
If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

51
00:02:57,598 --> 00:03:01,938
If I were a rich man
Diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-ee

52
00:03:01,938 --> 00:03:06,327
I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
Or a rellie of the Royals or a Kennedy

53
00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:10,739
Or a nymphomanical exhibitionist heiress
to a large chain of hotels

54
00:03:10,739 --> 00:03:15,352
If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle
Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls

55
00:03:15,352 --> 00:03:21,381
I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome
But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea

56
00:03:21,381 --> 00:03:26,845
And if I had a different rod I would concievably land some
Even though I am fiscally consistantly pitiable

57
00:03:26,845 --> 00:03:33,317
And considerably less Brad Pitt than Brad Pitiful
And I'm really so poor and ugly that you reckon only you could possibly love me

58
00:03:33,317 --> 00:03:37,468
And I
(Really think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

59
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,570
(If I didn't have you)

60
00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:45,518
If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

61
00:03:45,518 --> 00:03:51,799
Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say
That given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate",

62
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:55,908
It's obtuse to deduce that I've found my soul-mate at the age of 17

63
00:03:55,908 --> 00:03:59,537
It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth

64
00:03:59,537 --> 00:04:03,578
I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth
specifically designed for me

65
00:04:03,578 --> 00:04:08,041
And if I may conjecture a further objection
love has nothing to do with destined perfection

66
00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:12,597
The connection is strengthened
the affection simply grows over time

67
00:04:12,597 --> 00:04:17,863
Like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig,
or a vine, or a sponge, or bigotry...

68
00:04:18,986 --> 00:04:21,105
or a banana (banana)

69
00:04:21,105 --> 00:04:25,504
And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama
of shared experience and synergy

70
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And a kind of symbiotic empathy, or...

71
00:04:28,289 --> 00:04:29,584
something.

72
00:04:29,584 --> 00:04:33,826
So I trust it would go without saying
That I would feel really very sad

73
00:04:33,826 --> 00:04:36,006

If tomorrow you were to fall off something high

74
00:04:36,006 --> 00:04:37,868
Or catch something bad.

75
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:41,751
But I'm just saying
I don't think you're special

76
00:04:41,751 --> 00:04:46,787
I mean... I think your special
But you fall within a bell curve

77
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:51,315
I mean, I'm just saying I
(Think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

78
00:04:51,315 --> 00:04:54,217
I think you are unique and beautiful

79
00:04:54,217 --> 00:04:59,527
You make me happy just by being around
(Just being around)

80
00:04:59,527 --> 00:05:04,143
But objectively you would have to agree that
baby when I found you

81
00:05:04,143 --> 00:05:08,167
Options were relatively thin on the ground

82
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:12,521
(Thin on the ground)
You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you

83
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:17,770
And maybe more open to spanking or...
fucking table tennis

84
00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:21,571
I'm just saying
(That I think that I would)
Probably
(Have somebody else)

85
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,239
I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example

86
00:05:24,239 --> 00:05:26,786
My first girlfriend Jackie hadn't dumped me

87
00:05:26,786 --> 00:05:30,956
After I kissed Winston's ex girlfriend Neah
at Steph's party back in 1993

88
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:35,441
And our variables would probably have been
altered by the absence of that event

89
00:05:35,441 --> 00:05:39,566
To have meant the advent
of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet.

90
00:05:39,566 --> 00:05:43,319
Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life

91
00:05:43,319 --> 00:05:47,223
Where "what is" is not as it is
and I am not your husband and you are not my wife

92
00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:49,421
And I am a stuntman living in LA

93
00:05:49,421 --> 00:05:52,811
Married to a small blonde portugese skier
Who when she's not training

94
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:56,784
Does abstract painting, practises yoga, and brews her own beer

95
00:05:56,784 --> 00:06:02,071
And really like making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia

96
00:06:05,094 --> 00:06:09,386
But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true

97
00:06:09,386 --> 00:06:13,777
I have just one life and just one love
and my love that love is you

98
00:06:13,777 --> 00:06:17,086
And if it wasn't for you
Darling you

99
00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:20,158
(I really think that I would)
Possibly
(Have somebody else)

100
00:06:20,158 --> 00:06:23,498
Oh yeah

101
00:06:23,498 --> 00:06:30,931
(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would surely do
(Someone else would surely do)

102
00:06:30,931 --> 00:06:33,777
Do the motherfucker do

103
00:06:42,577 --> 00:06:44,483
So I mmm... yeah...

104
00:06:44,483 --> 00:06:48,001
I've write that song because I thought... after all the... nasty...

105
00:06:48,001 --> 00:06:51,271
so I thought I should write one that didn't offend anyone

106
00:06:51,271 --> 00:06:54,236
But there's always one, you know.

107
00:06:54,236 --> 00:06:57,003
I came out of my show a couple months ago

108
00:06:57,003 --> 00:07:02,074
the first time after performing that song, and there was a girl, a young woman. Why, I would've told nineteen or twenty year I couldn't know

109
00:07:02,074 --> 00:07:07,677
at some point I said "Did you enjoy the show?"
and she said "Yeah it was really good, mostly..."

110
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:12,105
And I: "Ok, what didn't you like?"
And she said

111
00:07:12,105 --> 00:07:17,715
"It's just... I liked it all... it's just...
that "If I didn't have you"... the sexist one..."

112
00:07:17,715 --> 00:07:23,840
"I just don't like sexist...
that sort of sexist comedy... I just don't find it funny"

113
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:32,271
"I was just sitting there all the time thinking
what it would it be like being your wife
being the subject of such a sexist song"

114
00:07:32,271 --> 00:07:37,481
And I said: "Oh..."

115
00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:41,565
"You are studying feminism in the Uni"

116
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:49,974
I didn't say that. I should have said that!

117
00:07:49,974 --> 00:07:55,880
But I realized immediately that she made a mistake 'cause she obviously thought that that was a song about love or relationship

118
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,398
or something when it's quite clearly a song about maths

119
00:07:59,398 --> 00:08:02,833
And also, I thought: "What a hypocrite!"

120
00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:06,239
You know, because actually if you think about it
she was being sexist

121
00:08:06,239 --> 00:08:10,090
In making the rather condescending assumption
that my wife is a woman

122
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:13,671
who couldn't handle that sort of humor, that my wife is some kind

123
00:08:13,671 --> 00:08:18,025
of wilting flower of a woman who
crawls in the corner of my kitchen as I

124
00:08:18,025 --> 00:08:22,845
periodically beat her with bags of
comedy oranges.

125
00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:27,820
But it's not the case. I mean Sara and I
share a sense of humor obviously.

126
00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:30,879
We've been together almost half our lives

127
00:08:30,879 --> 00:08:34,044
She made me like this

128
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:42,757
However if anyone stills thinks I'm sexist I'll give you an example of Sara sense of humor, to clear it up...

129
00:08:42,757 --> 00:08:47,840
A little bit of back story for this one...
A couple of years ago Sara and I went and did a...

130
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,257
a baby.
It was good, yeah...

131
00:08:51,257 --> 00:08:57,325
You should definitely do one if you want but I want to tell you something because I didn't know this right.
When you first get your first baby

132
00:08:57,325 --> 00:09:01,640
When they're little things, the first couple of months,
you spend your whole life scared shitless.

133
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:05,680
Cause tiny babies, they sleep all the time
and when they sleep, they sleep like this, they go:

134
00:10:24,813 --> 00:10:27,937
Fuck you baby!!!

135
00:10:30,957 --> 00:10:33,099
And that's how little babies are.

136
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:36,525
So anyway when my baby was
about that age, sort of two month old

137
00:10:36,525 --> 00:10:40,001
my wife and I were... it was evening,
you know, night-time, and we put her in bed

138
00:10:40,001 --> 00:10:45,540
in a little cart, in a little room,
in our little house, in our little lives...

139
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:50,762
And we where sitting there in our
medium size sofa watching quite a big telly

140
00:10:50,762 --> 00:10:55,234
Just trying to watch a movie, and you know it
was evening, just trying to relax and chill out together

141
00:10:55,234 --> 00:10:57,439
And about a quarter of the way through the movie I said to Sara

142
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:59,727
"I'm just going to pop in and check on the baby"

143
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:05,108
And Sara said: "Tim, don't go check
on the baby, just sit down and relax for once..."

144
00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:11,699
"If she's asleep, you'll just wake her up, and if
she's dead...

145
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:15,497
"There's not much we can do about it"

146
00:11:18,724 --> 00:11:22,886
"We might as well watch
the end of the movie"

147
00:11:22,886 --> 00:11:26,831
"Get an hour and a half more
happiness before our life collapses"

148
00:11:28,579 --> 00:11:32,360
So don't worry about my sick fucking wife

149
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:38,927
Although, have you noticed...

150
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:41,927
Everyone has a line,
don't they, with dark humor

151
00:11:41,927 --> 00:11:44,290
Everyone has their line, you know,
I've never met anyone who doesn't say

152
00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:47,857
"I really have a dark sense of humor,
you know, I really like dark comedy"

153
00:11:47,857 --> 00:11:49,549
Everyone has a line...
"That's very funny, that's very funny"

154
00:11:49,549 --> 00:11:54,038
"Oh, I'm outraged, I wanna write
a shit letter to a bad news paper"

155
00:11:54,038 --> 00:11:57,352
I find that line difficult to navigate, I always have

156
00:11:57,352 --> 00:12:02,621
even in my private life... and still,
just a few months ago, I was in my kitchen

157
00:12:02,621 --> 00:12:06,430
and my baby who at that stage was not quite 2

158
00:12:06,430 --> 00:12:10,634
I was wondering in the kitchen making a sandwich and
notice she had found something and stuck it in her mouth

159
00:12:10,634 --> 00:12:12,249
you know, they put it in their mouths. And I was:

160
00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:16,281
"Honey came here, what have you got in your mouth there"

161
00:12:16,281 --> 00:12:22,324
"Spit it out, spit it out... spit it out, good girl.
Darling you don't put coins in your mouth..."

162
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:30,248
"Coins are dirty, coins are yuckie, you don't put
coins in your mouth, your mouth is for food..."

163
00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,804
"and a little later on"

164
00:12:31,804 --> 00:12:34,084
"cock."

165
00:12:35,294 --> 00:12:39,854
See, I fucking knew that was funny, right?
That's funny, isn't it?

166
00:12:39,854 --> 00:12:44,014
Exactly!
But my wife was in the kitchen

167
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,786
And my wife was like: "Tim!"

168
00:12:46,786 --> 00:12:50,291
"For Christ sake, you can't said that!"

169
00:12:50,291 --> 00:12:52,082
"She might like pussy!"