Why Do I Hate Being Alone? | Kati Morton

- Hey everybody, happy Monday.

Now today we're going to talk about

why we can hate being alone.

But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

Welcome!

I'm a licensed therapist
and I create videos

all about mental health.

And I am now releasing
videos only on Mondays

so I can put more time
and effort into them.

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Okay now let's talk about
the fear of being alone,

otherwise known as monophobia.

Monophobia like all phobias
falls under anxiety disorders,

under that umbrella, which is
really important to remember.

Because phobia itself
is defined as an extreme

or irrational fear or
aversion to something.

But that in many ways,
obviously these fears

can lead to symptoms of anxiety.

You can feel on edge, wired or worried

about what's going to happen
if you have to face that fear.

So just remember that all
phobias fall under the category

of anxiety disorders.

The specific fear of being alone can have

many causes and risk factors.

The most common of those are past trauma,

abusive or just unavailable parents,

and lack of proper attachment as a child.

Because there are so
many different causes,

there will obviously be many
variations of monophobia.

But today, I wanna talk about
the three that I see most.

And the first is that we could
fear being alone in public.

Like many with social anxiety
or agoraphobia experience.

We can worry that other
people are talking about us,

or that we won't be able
to get out of there quickly

if we feel a panic attack coming on.

Whatever the trigger or worry,

having someone supportive
with us can offer some relief.

And that's why I'm always
talking about the importance

of having a support system in person.

So that you can have them
with you at a very stressful

or maybe even any social event.

Now the second is that we could
be too scared to live alone,

and I find this to be most
common when we have experienced

abuse or violence, or
had parents who were way

too involved in our lives growing up.

Hello diffused boundaries,
AKA no boundaries at all.

And that kind of upbringing
can stifle our ability

to feel secure, be on are own,

stand up for, and if
needed, protect ourselves.

And I know it can seem odd

that two totally different situations

can lead to this similar response,

but it's really because both instances

take away our confidence.

Either by hurting us,
or being overbearing.

We never get a chance to
really figure out who we are

without someone else being involved in it.

Does that make sense?

Now the third, and the one variation

I wanna really dig into, is the fear

of not being in a romantic relationship.

We've all known these
people or been these people,

who jump from one relationship to another,

without much of a break in between.

Now we usually do this
for one of two reasons.

Number one, we may not know who we are

without someone else's influence.

This can occur because of
addiction in the family,

because if you didn't
know addiction causes

everyone else in the
family to dance around

the person with the problem.

So we can spend our whole lives

letting someone else's actions dictate

what we do or don't do.

In therapy, we call this co-dependence.

And I have a whole video about
that if you wanna learn more.

But this can also occur if
we have someone in our family

who requires a lot of attention.

Maybe we had a sibling
that required extra care.

Or a parent who didn't act like a parent,

and treated us like a friend.

Or I've called this before,
like being the parentified child

when you're responsible for your siblings

and stuff like that.

And yes, I have a video about that too.

So you can watch that if you're curious.

But whatever it is, we have
never been given the chance

to figure out who we are, or what we want

without having someone
else weigh in on it.

Now the second reason
is that we may not like

being alone with ourselves,

because that would mean that
we have to recognize or address

what's really going on.

We can use relationships
as a way to distract

from working on ourselves,

which really just means
that our relationships

aren't ever built on a solid foundation.

That's why we hear that
phrase all the time,

can't love someone else if
you don't love yourself first.

And it's not as cut and dried as that.

But there is a lot of
truth to that statement

because we can't find someone
who is good and healthy for us

if we don't know what that
looks and feels like, you know?

And I don't want you to judge yourself

because of this or think
that makes you a bad person,

or a bad partner or anything like that.

It's just something to be aware of,

because once we know it's happening,

we can overcome it and
go on to build healthy

and happy relationships.

Trust me.

So without further ado, let's get into

how we can work through this.

Now the obvious first step
is to get into therapy,

and start figuring out

what triggers your fear of being alone.

Is it your parents were
too involved in your life?

Or perhaps you were abused?

Maybe you had to be the
adult in your household

from a very young age.

If you aren't sure what
caused it, or just the thought

of trying to figure it
out feels overwhelming,

maybe consider what role you played

in your family growing up.

That can sometimes help
you see patterns or issues

that maybe you wouldn't
have noticed otherwise.

And if you are in therapy, already,

you can let them know that
you're trying to figure this out.

They may have some clever
questions they can ask

to help you see things more clearly.

Once we know what triggers
it, therapy can help us

find ways to heal or overcome it.

This could be through
reparenting yourself,

processing the abuse you sustained,

or building up your self confidence.

But we have to know what caused it first.

And my next tip, and it kinda connects

with my first one is to
start noticing your triggers.

Are there certain times
you wanna reach out

to that old boyfriend or girlfriend?

Specific situations that
cause you to get online

to flirt or go out with the
goal of meeting someone.

The more we know about our triggers,

the better we will get to know ourselves.

And I know that sounds
odd, but if we aren't able

to pinpoint what it is that's causing us

to hate being alone, tracking
what triggers the impulse

can lead us right to it.

And I just have to insert this here

because it really needs to be said.

But who said being in
a romantic relationship

is in any way better?

Who said being single is bad?

Because those are complete lies.

So just notice the
stories you tell yourself

about being alone, or with someone.

And remember, that only
you can give yourself

the love you need and deserve.

Everyone else in your
life can only add to that.

But they won't be able to do that

if we don't know how
to do it for ourselves.

And I just get annoyed
of people feeling like

I should be married by now, or
be in a serious relationship,

or have kids, or whatever.

Who said there's a timeframe on happiness?

Would you really be
happier if you had settled

for a relationship that isn't
what you really want or need?

Probably not.

It's so much better to wait
until you feel good about you

and are able to find
someone who's deserving

of all you have to offer.

Okay back into the tips,
I just had to add that in.

Okay third, build up a
non-romantic support system.

Since we may have a habit of hiding away

in our romantic relationship,
focus most of your energy

on building up your other supports.

This could be online or in person,

just as long as it's
platonic and supportive

to both people involved.

And just try to be aware
of whether you're treating

your friends like they
are your romantic partner

like expecting them to hang
out with you all the time,

or return texts right away.

It could be hard for us
to have healthy boundaries

in any relationship at this point.

So just be aware of this, and do your best

to be okay with your friends
having other friends,

'cause that's normal.

And having their own life
because they can still

make time for you.

They just have time for
other things as well.

And that's really healthy.

And my final tip, spend some
time getting to know yourself.

If we have always been in
a romantic relationship,

or letting others decide things for us,

we may not know who we are or
what we like or don't like.

So you could start about
journaling about the goals you have

or things that you like and don't like.

Going for walks by yourself,

or even taking yourself out for dinner.

I know, imagine that.

And that one actually used to
be one of my favorite things

so you know, it can be so freeing
and just feel really nice,

and give it a try.

And you can also track
your feelings each day.

You know, use a feelings
chart and try to circle

three to five that you felt that day.

Or pick a few things
out that you wanna try.

Like learning a new instrument, or joining

an adult sports team.

See what you like and do
your best to try something

you haven't thought of before.

I know many people who's
parents are overbearing

or abusive, push their own
beliefs on to their children.

So even if you've been
told your whole life

that you aren't creative
or you aren't athletic.

Know that you most definitely could be.

You just never were given
the chance to try it out.

I hope you found that
insightful and helpful.

It's so common to hate being alone,

but there are things we can do to ensure

that we don't jump into relationships

just to fill a void from our past.

And as always, was there
anything you felt I left out?

Do you think there are other reasons

that we can hate being alone?

Let me know in the comments down below.

And I will see you next time, bye!

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