-
- Hey everybody, happy Monday.
-
Now today we're going to talk about
-
why we can hate being alone.
-
But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?
-
Welcome!
-
I'm a licensed therapist
and I create videos
-
all about mental health.
-
And I am now releasing
videos only on Mondays
-
so I can put more time
and effort into them.
-
So make sure you're subscribed
and every notifications
-
turned on (bell dings)
so you don't miss out.
-
Okay now let's talk about
the fear of being alone,
-
otherwise known as monophobia.
-
Monophobia like all phobias
falls under anxiety disorders,
-
under that umbrella, which is
really important to remember.
-
Because phobia itself
is defined as an extreme
-
or irrational fear or
aversion to something.
-
But that in many ways,
obviously these fears
-
can lead to symptoms of anxiety.
-
You can feel on edge, wired or worried
-
about what's going to happen
if you have to face that fear.
-
So just remember that all
phobias fall under the category
-
of anxiety disorders.
-
The specific fear of being alone can have
-
many causes and risk factors.
-
The most common of those are past trauma,
-
abusive or just unavailable parents,
-
and lack of proper attachment as a child.
-
Because there are so
many different causes,
-
there will obviously be many
variations of monophobia.
-
But today, I wanna talk about
the three that I see most.
-
And the first is that we could
fear being alone in public.
-
Like many with social anxiety
or agoraphobia experience.
-
We can worry that other
people are talking about us,
-
or that we won't be able
to get out of there quickly
-
if we feel a panic attack coming on.
-
Whatever the trigger or worry,
-
having someone supportive
with us can offer some relief.
-
And that's why I'm always
talking about the importance
-
of having a support system in person.
-
So that you can have them
with you at a very stressful
-
or maybe even any social event.
-
Now the second is that we could
be too scared to live alone,
-
and I find this to be most
common when we have experienced
-
abuse or violence, or
had parents who were way
-
too involved in our lives growing up.
-
Hello diffused boundaries,
AKA no boundaries at all.
-
And that kind of upbringing
can stifle our ability
-
to feel secure, be on are own,
-
stand up for, and if
needed, protect ourselves.
-
And I know it can seem odd
-
that two totally different situations
-
can lead to this similar response,
-
but it's really because both instances
-
take away our confidence.
-
Either by hurting us,
or being overbearing.
-
We never get a chance to
really figure out who we are
-
without someone else being involved in it.
-
Does that make sense?
-
Now the third, and the one variation
-
I wanna really dig into, is the fear
-
of not being in a romantic relationship.
-
We've all known these
people or been these people,
-
who jump from one relationship to another,
-
without much of a break in between.
-
Now we usually do this
for one of two reasons.
-
Number one, we may not know who we are
-
without someone else's influence.
-
This can occur because of
addiction in the family,
-
because if you didn't
know addiction causes
-
everyone else in the
family to dance around
-
the person with the problem.
-
So we can spend our whole lives
-
letting someone else's actions dictate
-
what we do or don't do.
-
In therapy, we call this co-dependence.
-
And I have a whole video about
that if you wanna learn more.
-
But this can also occur if
we have someone in our family
-
who requires a lot of attention.
-
Maybe we had a sibling
that required extra care.
-
Or a parent who didn't act like a parent,
-
and treated us like a friend.
-
Or I've called this before,
like being the parentified child
-
when you're responsible for your siblings
-
and stuff like that.
-
And yes, I have a video about that too.
-
So you can watch that if you're curious.
-
But whatever it is, we have
never been given the chance
-
to figure out who we are, or what we want
-
without having someone
else weigh in on it.
-
Now the second reason
is that we may not like
-
being alone with ourselves,
-
because that would mean that
we have to recognize or address
-
what's really going on.
-
We can use relationships
as a way to distract
-
from working on ourselves,
-
which really just means
that our relationships
-
aren't ever built on a solid foundation.
-
That's why we hear that
phrase all the time,
-
can't love someone else if
you don't love yourself first.
-
And it's not as cut and dried as that.
-
But there is a lot of
truth to that statement
-
because we can't find someone
who is good and healthy for us
-
if we don't know what that
looks and feels like, you know?
-
And I don't want you to judge yourself
-
because of this or think
that makes you a bad person,
-
or a bad partner or anything like that.
-
It's just something to be aware of,
-
because once we know it's happening,
-
we can overcome it and
go on to build healthy
-
and happy relationships.
-
Trust me.
-
So without further ado, let's get into
-
how we can work through this.
-
Now the obvious first step
is to get into therapy,
-
and start figuring out
-
what triggers your fear of being alone.
-
Is it your parents were
too involved in your life?
-
Or perhaps you were abused?
-
Maybe you had to be the
adult in your household
-
from a very young age.
-
If you aren't sure what
caused it, or just the thought
-
of trying to figure it
out feels overwhelming,
-
maybe consider what role you played
-
in your family growing up.
-
That can sometimes help
you see patterns or issues
-
that maybe you wouldn't
have noticed otherwise.
-
And if you are in therapy, already,
-
you can let them know that
you're trying to figure this out.
-
They may have some clever
questions they can ask
-
to help you see things more clearly.
-
Once we know what triggers
it, therapy can help us
-
find ways to heal or overcome it.
-
This could be through
reparenting yourself,
-
processing the abuse you sustained,
-
or building up your self confidence.
-
But we have to know what caused it first.
-
And my next tip, and it kinda connects
-
with my first one is to
start noticing your triggers.
-
Are there certain times
you wanna reach out
-
to that old boyfriend or girlfriend?
-
Specific situations that
cause you to get online
-
to flirt or go out with the
goal of meeting someone.
-
The more we know about our triggers,
-
the better we will get to know ourselves.
-
And I know that sounds
odd, but if we aren't able
-
to pinpoint what it is that's causing us
-
to hate being alone, tracking
what triggers the impulse
-
can lead us right to it.
-
And I just have to insert this here
-
because it really needs to be said.
-
But who said being in
a romantic relationship
-
is in any way better?
-
Who said being single is bad?
-
Because those are complete lies.
-
So just notice the
stories you tell yourself
-
about being alone, or with someone.
-
And remember, that only
you can give yourself
-
the love you need and deserve.
-
Everyone else in your
life can only add to that.
-
But they won't be able to do that
-
if we don't know how
to do it for ourselves.
-
And I just get annoyed
of people feeling like
-
I should be married by now, or
be in a serious relationship,
-
or have kids, or whatever.
-
Who said there's a timeframe on happiness?
-
Would you really be
happier if you had settled
-
for a relationship that isn't
what you really want or need?
-
Probably not.
-
It's so much better to wait
until you feel good about you
-
and are able to find
someone who's deserving
-
of all you have to offer.
-
Okay back into the tips,
I just had to add that in.
-
Okay third, build up a
non-romantic support system.
-
Since we may have a habit of hiding away
-
in our romantic relationship,
focus most of your energy
-
on building up your other supports.
-
This could be online or in person,
-
just as long as it's
platonic and supportive
-
to both people involved.
-
And just try to be aware
of whether you're treating
-
your friends like they
are your romantic partner
-
like expecting them to hang
out with you all the time,
-
or return texts right away.
-
It could be hard for us
to have healthy boundaries
-
in any relationship at this point.
-
So just be aware of this, and do your best
-
to be okay with your friends
having other friends,
-
'cause that's normal.
-
And having their own life
because they can still
-
make time for you.
-
They just have time for
other things as well.
-
And that's really healthy.
-
And my final tip, spend some
time getting to know yourself.
-
If we have always been in
a romantic relationship,
-
or letting others decide things for us,
-
we may not know who we are or
what we like or don't like.
-
So you could start about
journaling about the goals you have
-
or things that you like and don't like.
-
Going for walks by yourself,
-
or even taking yourself out for dinner.
-
I know, imagine that.
-
And that one actually used to
be one of my favorite things
-
so you know, it can be so freeing
and just feel really nice,
-
and give it a try.
-
And you can also track
your feelings each day.
-
You know, use a feelings
chart and try to circle
-
three to five that you felt that day.
-
Or pick a few things
out that you wanna try.
-
Like learning a new instrument, or joining
-
an adult sports team.
-
See what you like and do
your best to try something
-
you haven't thought of before.
-
I know many people who's
parents are overbearing
-
or abusive, push their own
beliefs on to their children.
-
So even if you've been
told your whole life
-
that you aren't creative
or you aren't athletic.
-
Know that you most definitely could be.
-
You just never were given
the chance to try it out.
-
I hope you found that
insightful and helpful.
-
It's so common to hate being alone,
-
but there are things we can do to ensure
-
that we don't jump into relationships
-
just to fill a void from our past.
-
And as always, was there
anything you felt I left out?
-
Do you think there are other reasons
-
that we can hate being alone?
-
Let me know in the comments down below.
-
And I will see you next time, bye!
-
(pleasant instrumental music)
-
(bell dings)
-
(pleasant instrumental music)