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- Hey everybody, happy Monday.

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Now today we're going to talk about

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why we can hate being alone.

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But before we jump into that,[br]are you new to my channel?

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Welcome!

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I'm a licensed therapist[br]and I create videos

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all about mental health.

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And I am now releasing[br]videos only on Mondays

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so I can put more time[br]and effort into them.

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So make sure you're subscribed[br]and every notifications

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turned on (bell dings)[br]so you don't miss out.

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Okay now let's talk about[br]the fear of being alone,

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otherwise known as monophobia.

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Monophobia like all phobias[br]falls under anxiety disorders,

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under that umbrella, which is[br]really important to remember.

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Because phobia itself[br]is defined as an extreme

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or irrational fear or[br]aversion to something.

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But that in many ways,[br]obviously these fears

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can lead to symptoms of anxiety.

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You can feel on edge, wired or worried

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about what's going to happen[br]if you have to face that fear.

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So just remember that all[br]phobias fall under the category

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of anxiety disorders.

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The specific fear of being alone can have

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many causes and risk factors.

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The most common of those are past trauma,

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abusive or just unavailable parents,

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and lack of proper attachment as a child.

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Because there are so[br]many different causes,

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there will obviously be many[br]variations of monophobia.

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But today, I wanna talk about[br]the three that I see most.

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And the first is that we could[br]fear being alone in public.

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Like many with social anxiety[br]or agoraphobia experience.

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We can worry that other[br]people are talking about us,

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or that we won't be able[br]to get out of there quickly

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if we feel a panic attack coming on.

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Whatever the trigger or worry,

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having someone supportive[br]with us can offer some relief.

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And that's why I'm always[br]talking about the importance

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of having a support system in person.

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So that you can have them[br]with you at a very stressful

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or maybe even any social event.

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Now the second is that we could[br]be too scared to live alone,

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and I find this to be most[br]common when we have experienced

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abuse or violence, or[br]had parents who were way

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too involved in our lives growing up.

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Hello diffused boundaries,[br]AKA no boundaries at all.

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And that kind of upbringing[br]can stifle our ability

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to feel secure, be on are own,

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stand up for, and if[br]needed, protect ourselves.

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And I know it can seem odd

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that two totally different situations

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can lead to this similar response,

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but it's really because both instances

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take away our confidence.

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Either by hurting us,[br]or being overbearing.

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We never get a chance to[br]really figure out who we are

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without someone else being involved in it.

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Does that make sense?

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Now the third, and the one variation

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I wanna really dig into, is the fear

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of not being in a romantic relationship.

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We've all known these[br]people or been these people,

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who jump from one relationship to another,

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without much of a break in between.

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Now we usually do this[br]for one of two reasons.

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Number one, we may not know who we are

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without someone else's influence.

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This can occur because of[br]addiction in the family,

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because if you didn't[br]know addiction causes

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everyone else in the[br]family to dance around

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the person with the problem.

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So we can spend our whole lives

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letting someone else's actions dictate

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what we do or don't do.

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In therapy, we call this co-dependence.

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And I have a whole video about[br]that if you wanna learn more.

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But this can also occur if[br]we have someone in our family

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who requires a lot of attention.

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Maybe we had a sibling[br]that required extra care.

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Or a parent who didn't act like a parent,

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and treated us like a friend.

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Or I've called this before,[br]like being the parentified child

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when you're responsible for your siblings

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and stuff like that.

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And yes, I have a video about that too.

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So you can watch that if you're curious.

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But whatever it is, we have[br]never been given the chance

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to figure out who we are, or what we want

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without having someone[br]else weigh in on it.

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Now the second reason[br]is that we may not like

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being alone with ourselves,

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because that would mean that[br]we have to recognize or address

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what's really going on.

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We can use relationships[br]as a way to distract

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from working on ourselves,

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which really just means[br]that our relationships

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aren't ever built on a solid foundation.

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That's why we hear that[br]phrase all the time,

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can't love someone else if[br]you don't love yourself first.

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And it's not as cut and dried as that.

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But there is a lot of[br]truth to that statement

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because we can't find someone[br]who is good and healthy for us

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if we don't know what that[br]looks and feels like, you know?

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And I don't want you to judge yourself

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because of this or think[br]that makes you a bad person,

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or a bad partner or anything like that.

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It's just something to be aware of,

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because once we know it's happening,

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we can overcome it and[br]go on to build healthy

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and happy relationships.

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Trust me.

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So without further ado, let's get into

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how we can work through this.

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Now the obvious first step[br]is to get into therapy,

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and start figuring out

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what triggers your fear of being alone.

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Is it your parents were[br]too involved in your life?

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Or perhaps you were abused?

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Maybe you had to be the[br]adult in your household

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from a very young age.

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If you aren't sure what[br]caused it, or just the thought

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of trying to figure it[br]out feels overwhelming,

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maybe consider what role you played

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in your family growing up.

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That can sometimes help[br]you see patterns or issues

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that maybe you wouldn't[br]have noticed otherwise.

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And if you are in therapy, already,

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you can let them know that[br]you're trying to figure this out.

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They may have some clever[br]questions they can ask

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to help you see things more clearly.

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Once we know what triggers[br]it, therapy can help us

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find ways to heal or overcome it.

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This could be through[br]reparenting yourself,

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processing the abuse you sustained,

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or building up your self confidence.

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But we have to know what caused it first.

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And my next tip, and it kinda connects

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with my first one is to[br]start noticing your triggers.

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Are there certain times[br]you wanna reach out

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to that old boyfriend or girlfriend?

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Specific situations that[br]cause you to get online

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to flirt or go out with the[br]goal of meeting someone.

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The more we know about our triggers,

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the better we will get to know ourselves.

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And I know that sounds[br]odd, but if we aren't able

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to pinpoint what it is that's causing us

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to hate being alone, tracking[br]what triggers the impulse

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can lead us right to it.

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And I just have to insert this here

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because it really needs to be said.

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But who said being in[br]a romantic relationship

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is in any way better?

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Who said being single is bad?

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Because those are complete lies.

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So just notice the[br]stories you tell yourself

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about being alone, or with someone.

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And remember, that only[br]you can give yourself

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the love you need and deserve.

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Everyone else in your[br]life can only add to that.

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But they won't be able to do that

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if we don't know how[br]to do it for ourselves.

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And I just get annoyed[br]of people feeling like

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I should be married by now, or[br]be in a serious relationship,

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or have kids, or whatever.

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Who said there's a timeframe on happiness?

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Would you really be[br]happier if you had settled

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for a relationship that isn't[br]what you really want or need?

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Probably not.

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It's so much better to wait[br]until you feel good about you

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and are able to find[br]someone who's deserving

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of all you have to offer.

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Okay back into the tips,[br]I just had to add that in.

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Okay third, build up a[br]non-romantic support system.

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Since we may have a habit of hiding away

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in our romantic relationship,[br]focus most of your energy

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on building up your other supports.

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This could be online or in person,

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just as long as it's[br]platonic and supportive

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to both people involved.

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And just try to be aware[br]of whether you're treating

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your friends like they[br]are your romantic partner

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like expecting them to hang[br]out with you all the time,

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or return texts right away.

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It could be hard for us[br]to have healthy boundaries

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in any relationship at this point.

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So just be aware of this, and do your best

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to be okay with your friends[br]having other friends,

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'cause that's normal.

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And having their own life[br]because they can still

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make time for you.

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They just have time for[br]other things as well.

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And that's really healthy.

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And my final tip, spend some[br]time getting to know yourself.

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If we have always been in[br]a romantic relationship,

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or letting others decide things for us,

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we may not know who we are or[br]what we like or don't like.

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So you could start about[br]journaling about the goals you have

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or things that you like and don't like.

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Going for walks by yourself,

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or even taking yourself out for dinner.

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I know, imagine that.

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And that one actually used to[br]be one of my favorite things

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so you know, it can be so freeing[br]and just feel really nice,

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and give it a try.

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And you can also track[br]your feelings each day.

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You know, use a feelings[br]chart and try to circle

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three to five that you felt that day.

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Or pick a few things[br]out that you wanna try.

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Like learning a new instrument, or joining

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an adult sports team.

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See what you like and do[br]your best to try something

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you haven't thought of before.

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I know many people who's[br]parents are overbearing

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or abusive, push their own[br]beliefs on to their children.

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So even if you've been[br]told your whole life

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that you aren't creative[br]or you aren't athletic.

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Know that you most definitely could be.

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You just never were given[br]the chance to try it out.

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I hope you found that[br]insightful and helpful.

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It's so common to hate being alone,

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but there are things we can do to ensure

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that we don't jump into relationships

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just to fill a void from our past.

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And as always, was there[br]anything you felt I left out?

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Do you think there are other reasons

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that we can hate being alone?

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Let me know in the comments down below.

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And I will see you next time, bye!

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(pleasant instrumental music)

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(bell dings)

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(pleasant instrumental music)