WEBVTT

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- Hey everybody, happy Monday.

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Now today we're going to talk about

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why we can hate being alone.

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But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

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Welcome!

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I'm a licensed therapist
and I create videos

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all about mental health.

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And I am now releasing
videos only on Mondays

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so I can put more time
and effort into them.

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So make sure you're subscribed
and every notifications

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turned on (bell dings)
so you don't miss out.

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Okay now let's talk about
the fear of being alone,

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otherwise known as monophobia.

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Monophobia like all phobias
falls under anxiety disorders,

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under that umbrella, which is
really important to remember.

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Because phobia itself
is defined as an extreme

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or irrational fear or
aversion to something.

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But that in many ways,
obviously these fears

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can lead to symptoms of anxiety.

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You can feel on edge, wired or worried

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about what's going to happen
if you have to face that fear.

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So just remember that all
phobias fall under the category

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of anxiety disorders.

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The specific fear of being alone can have

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many causes and risk factors.

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The most common of those are past trauma,

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abusive or just unavailable parents,

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and lack of proper attachment as a child.

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Because there are so
many different causes,

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there will obviously be many
variations of monophobia.

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But today, I wanna talk about
the three that I see most.

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And the first is that we could
fear being alone in public.

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Like many with social anxiety
or agoraphobia experience.

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We can worry that other
people are talking about us,

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or that we won't be able
to get out of there quickly

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if we feel a panic attack coming on.

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Whatever the trigger or worry,

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having someone supportive
with us can offer some relief.

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And that's why I'm always
talking about the importance

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of having a support system in person.

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So that you can have them
with you at a very stressful

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or maybe even any social event.

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Now the second is that we could
be too scared to live alone,

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and I find this to be most
common when we have experienced

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abuse or violence, or
had parents who were way

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too involved in our lives growing up.

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Hello diffused boundaries,
AKA no boundaries at all.

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And that kind of upbringing
can stifle our ability

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to feel secure, be on are own,

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stand up for, and if
needed, protect ourselves.

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And I know it can seem odd

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that two totally different situations

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can lead to this similar response,

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but it's really because both instances

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take away our confidence.

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Either by hurting us,
or being overbearing.

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We never get a chance to
really figure out who we are

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without someone else being involved in it.

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Does that make sense?

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Now the third, and the one variation

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I wanna really dig into, is the fear

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of not being in a romantic relationship.

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We've all known these
people or been these people,

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who jump from one relationship to another,

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without much of a break in between.

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Now we usually do this
for one of two reasons.

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Number one, we may not know who we are

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without someone else's influence.

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This can occur because of
addiction in the family,

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because if you didn't
know addiction causes

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everyone else in the
family to dance around

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the person with the problem.

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So we can spend our whole lives

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letting someone else's actions dictate

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what we do or don't do.

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In therapy, we call this co-dependence.

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And I have a whole video about
that if you wanna learn more.

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But this can also occur if
we have someone in our family

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who requires a lot of attention.

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Maybe we had a sibling
that required extra care.

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Or a parent who didn't act like a parent,

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and treated us like a friend.

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Or I've called this before,
like being the parentified child

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when you're responsible for your siblings

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and stuff like that.

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And yes, I have a video about that too.

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So you can watch that if you're curious.

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But whatever it is, we have
never been given the chance

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to figure out who we are, or what we want

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without having someone
else weigh in on it.

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Now the second reason
is that we may not like

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being alone with ourselves,

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because that would mean that
we have to recognize or address

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what's really going on.

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We can use relationships
as a way to distract

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from working on ourselves,

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which really just means
that our relationships

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aren't ever built on a solid foundation.

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That's why we hear that
phrase all the time,

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can't love someone else if
you don't love yourself first.

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And it's not as cut and dried as that.

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But there is a lot of
truth to that statement

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because we can't find someone
who is good and healthy for us

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if we don't know what that
looks and feels like, you know?

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And I don't want you to judge yourself

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because of this or think
that makes you a bad person,

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or a bad partner or anything like that.

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It's just something to be aware of,

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because once we know it's happening,

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we can overcome it and
go on to build healthy

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and happy relationships.

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Trust me.

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So without further ado, let's get into

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how we can work through this.

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Now the obvious first step
is to get into therapy,

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and start figuring out

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what triggers your fear of being alone.

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Is it your parents were
too involved in your life?

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Or perhaps you were abused?

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Maybe you had to be the
adult in your household

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from a very young age.

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If you aren't sure what
caused it, or just the thought

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of trying to figure it
out feels overwhelming,

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maybe consider what role you played

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in your family growing up.

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That can sometimes help
you see patterns or issues

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that maybe you wouldn't
have noticed otherwise.

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And if you are in therapy, already,

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you can let them know that
you're trying to figure this out.

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They may have some clever
questions they can ask

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to help you see things more clearly.

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Once we know what triggers
it, therapy can help us

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find ways to heal or overcome it.

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This could be through
reparenting yourself,

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processing the abuse you sustained,

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or building up your self confidence.

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But we have to know what caused it first.

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And my next tip, and it kinda connects

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with my first one is to
start noticing your triggers.

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Are there certain times
you wanna reach out

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to that old boyfriend or girlfriend?

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Specific situations that
cause you to get online

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to flirt or go out with the
goal of meeting someone.

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The more we know about our triggers,

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the better we will get to know ourselves.

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And I know that sounds
odd, but if we aren't able

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to pinpoint what it is that's causing us

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to hate being alone, tracking
what triggers the impulse

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can lead us right to it.

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And I just have to insert this here

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because it really needs to be said.

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But who said being in
a romantic relationship

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is in any way better?

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Who said being single is bad?

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Because those are complete lies.

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So just notice the
stories you tell yourself

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about being alone, or with someone.

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And remember, that only
you can give yourself

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the love you need and deserve.

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Everyone else in your
life can only add to that.

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But they won't be able to do that

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if we don't know how
to do it for ourselves.

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And I just get annoyed
of people feeling like

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I should be married by now, or
be in a serious relationship,

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or have kids, or whatever.

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Who said there's a timeframe on happiness?

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Would you really be
happier if you had settled

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for a relationship that isn't
what you really want or need?

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Probably not.

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It's so much better to wait
until you feel good about you

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and are able to find
someone who's deserving

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of all you have to offer.

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Okay back into the tips,
I just had to add that in.

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Okay third, build up a
non-romantic support system.

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Since we may have a habit of hiding away

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in our romantic relationship,
focus most of your energy

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on building up your other supports.

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This could be online or in person,

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just as long as it's
platonic and supportive

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to both people involved.

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And just try to be aware
of whether you're treating

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your friends like they
are your romantic partner

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like expecting them to hang
out with you all the time,

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or return texts right away.

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It could be hard for us
to have healthy boundaries

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in any relationship at this point.

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So just be aware of this, and do your best

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to be okay with your friends
having other friends,

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'cause that's normal.

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And having their own life
because they can still

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make time for you.

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They just have time for
other things as well.

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And that's really healthy.

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And my final tip, spend some
time getting to know yourself.

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If we have always been in
a romantic relationship,

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or letting others decide things for us,

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we may not know who we are or
what we like or don't like.

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So you could start about
journaling about the goals you have

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or things that you like and don't like.

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Going for walks by yourself,

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or even taking yourself out for dinner.

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I know, imagine that.

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And that one actually used to
be one of my favorite things

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so you know, it can be so freeing
and just feel really nice,

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and give it a try.

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And you can also track
your feelings each day.

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You know, use a feelings
chart and try to circle

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three to five that you felt that day.

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Or pick a few things
out that you wanna try.

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Like learning a new instrument, or joining

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an adult sports team.

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See what you like and do
your best to try something

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you haven't thought of before.

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I know many people who's
parents are overbearing

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or abusive, push their own
beliefs on to their children.

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So even if you've been
told your whole life

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that you aren't creative
or you aren't athletic.

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Know that you most definitely could be.

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You just never were given
the chance to try it out.

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I hope you found that
insightful and helpful.

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It's so common to hate being alone,

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but there are things we can do to ensure

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that we don't jump into relationships

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just to fill a void from our past.

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And as always, was there
anything you felt I left out?

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Do you think there are other reasons

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that we can hate being alone?

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Let me know in the comments down below.

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And I will see you next time, bye!

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