Dan's Gay Crushes ULTIMATE TIER LIST

A journey from my first romantic feels to my current degenerate fantasies ..but who am I really compatible with?
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[audience talking]

[audience cheering]

I've got a lot of time to make up for
in my gay journey through life

because one of the things
that I feel honestly

I missed out on
when I was younger,

was just being able to share my feelings
about boys with the people in my life.

'Cause it was always the shameful secret

it was just bubbling on the inside,
all the angst.

So today, I thought
let's just make up for lost time.

I would like to lay out a timeline of
my complete emotional, romantic journey

in the ultimate Dan's Gay Crush Tier List!

[audience cheering] Oh yeah!

If you don't know how this works,
we've got A to F.

It's like school grades.
S is the top shelf, F is the bottom.

I'm gonna go from my first ever feelings
to my current degenerate fantasies

and you all get to judge my taste level.

But this isn't about what you think,

this is about how compatable
they would be with me

and whether "Oh, I thought I have a crush
on them. Is it a good idea? No."

So, are you ready?

[audience cheering] Okay.

First up: Aladdin.
[audience cheering]

Okay, taste. Taste.

The whole thing with
all the Disney things is:

"Did I enjoy this as Disney intended,

putting myself in Aladdin's shoes
next to Jasmine?"

No, no. I wanted to be Jasmine
on the magic carpet

with Aladdin.

Obviously, there's pre- and
post-lamp Aladdin.

'Cause post-lamp S, easy.

But, hey! What are we working with?

We got fez.

Monkey.

He would steal bread for you.
That's someone you can count on.

What would you give Aladdin?

[audience saying S] S?

Okay, okay.

We need to leave room for S.

Strong A for Aladdin, good start! Okay!

Next up, Tigger.

[audience laughing]

Wow! What- no!

No, no, no, no!

Oi, shut up!

There's- romantic.
This is just about young feelings-

I watched a lot of
Winnie-the-Pooh as a kid and

the Hundred Acre Wood is a scary place.

They got Heffalumps, Woozles, you know.

Some- rabbits.

And maybe it was my furry-awakening, we'll
never know. But let's think about it.

He's kind, he's positive, bouncy.
He's got a hard tail.

That's always quite enjoyable.

[audience murmuring]

Oi, I don't know what you're saying there.

What would you give Tigger?

[audience yelling letters]

C? Wow!

Kick him out!

No, that's fine.
I'll give him a B for bouncy.

Okay, next: Crash Bandicoot.
[audience yelling and laughing]

Wow! Uhm,

I thought this was a place of
acceptance? Hello?

Guys, he- it's anthro. Anthropomorphic.

He's wearing trousers.
He's not an animal, okay?

Okay, well no.

He is literally just a bandicoot,
isn't he? There's no other way.

Okay. [laughs]
But he's wearing shoes.

Dogs can't wear shoes.
[audience laughs]

No wait. Dogs can wear shoes and trousers.

Okay, no.

Bipedal, that's it!

If it stands on two legs, you can fuck it.
That's the rule. That's how it works.

No, that's how it works!
[laughs]

Dan Howell 2022: "You can fuck penguins".
That's what I'm saying.

[audience laughs]
Let's give him a B for bandicoot.

Okay, yes. My knight in shining armour.

When I was younger, I went to one of those
Renaissance fair-things.

Where they do
medieval re-enactment,

and they had a jousting display.

And I was there, I was like 11,
stood at the end of the field.

This guy finished an epic joust, you know.

He pulled off his helmet and
it was a teen boy with long, blond hair,

and he rode past me
with the helmet in his arm

and just looked at me with
his hair blowing in the wind.

And that is what turned me gay.
That moment.

Honestly, I was so spellbound that I
thought about him for months, for years.

But! How do we feel about the
'Knight in shining armour' trope?

Are we kinda over that? As a society?

We don't need them to save us!

Also, athletic.
No, definitely C. It's a C.

Next: Bradley from S Club.

[audience cheering]
Yeah.

If any Americans are watching this:
goated pop group, okay?

You had to be there.

Bradley, he can swing, apparently.

He can sing, breakdance. Act!

Quadri-dri-dripple threat.

What would you give Bradley from S Club?

[audience yelling S]

S? You g- You with the S? S! S!

Simp! That's S for simp! For all of you-

No, I mean, he's way too cool.
I'm a disgusting nerd.

It's not about him, it's about me,
and for me, it's a B.

[loud response from the audience]
Snape.

Haha. Mixed- A lot of people are like
"Heh" and a lot of people are like "Yeah!"

Not professor Snape.

Young, angsty Snape
from the Half-Blood Prince, okay?

You get me? Because when I read that,
I was angsty as fuck, okay?

You don't understand.

I was just thinking: "What if
I was at school with young Snape?"

This wasn't one of those situations where
I was like "He's so dark, I can save him."

No. If I was with him,
it would be toxic as fuck.

[audience laughing]

It would be a dark-
we would spiral dramatically,

I would become a Death Eater,
unironically.

It would be a complete disaster.

So I know you all like it,
but no, this is for me,

and it is a D.

Next, we have Ewan McGregor and
Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge.

Now, some boys said
"My favourite movie is Jurassic Park."

I was like "I like Moulin Rouge!"
Gay.

Gay!

Gay!!

Shoulda saw that coming, shouldn't I?

But this isn't Ewan McGregor
and Nicole Kidman,

'cause I know some lesbians here
will be like "Nicole!"

No, it's Satine and Christian.

Right, this guys, he was a mess! Okay.
No career prospects, he was useless.

Honestly, I'm gonna give him
a C for Christian.

And Satine, she had creepy
British men trying to kill her.

That would not be fun!
I'll give her a C for consumption.

Okay, next, we have Tidus!
[audience cheering]

Yeah? You know him?

He's the protagonist from
a game called Final Fantasy X.

He is a sportstar from another dimension

that was made to save the world.
Cringe, I know.

But, underwater football player and me?
I thought he was hot, but let's be honest:

he would bully me. He would.

If we went to school together,
he would be like "What is that?"

He would spit on me, I would cry
and I would still love him.

But, no, I don't think that's happening.

I'll give him a B for blitzball. And!

Wait, there was someone else in this game.

There was a character called Lulu who,
as you can see,

was literally the dream
big titty, goth girlfriend, okay?

And she was- she's called The Strap.

Like, you don't-
you can see about 15 of them in her dress.

I am confused by her to this day.

She could throw a fireball at me and
I would be like "Thank you. Do it again."

That is a strong S!
[audience cheering]

Not just pandering to the lesbians,
that is actually S.

But that wasn't it.
There was someone else in this game.

There was like a bodyguard for a summoner,
he was called Kimahri.

[audience laughing]
And- wait, wait!

Wait, I will bring you around, okay?

Because look at how guys was
introduced in the game.

[Kimahri growling]

[audience laughing]

[Kimahri growling]

Fuck yeah!

[audience laughing]

God, I'm so fucking hard right now.
That's amazing.

So I'll give him an A for furry-awakening!

Next, Troy Bolton-

[audience cheering]

Specifically, High School Musical 2.
They say-

[audience cheering]

You can't generalize-
there is no such thing as a gay test.

There is such thing as the gay test.

The test is, you ask someone what
their favourite HSM is.

If they say 1, straight.
If they say 2, gay. That's it.

Who's the best character? Gabriella?
No. Sharpay? Yes.

Also, correct.

But, mhm... Think about it. For me.

Again, would he really be my friend?

He wouldn't talk to me. I would just be
crying in the corner somewhere.

He plays golf, he wears polo-shirts.
We have nothing in common.

I- I'm just gonna give him a D-tier.

This isn't about him! It's about me.
D for 'Dan is depressed'. Next one.

The first boy that I ever had a crush on.

This was in my school. I was like 13, and
we were friends until one day I was like

"I want more from this."

He broke my heart.

I thought I was actually in love.

I thought I was in- I was in-
he was just the first person I knew,

and therefore I was like
"This must be love!"

If you don't know the story,

basically, he ghosted me for 3 years
and then later

I found out that he was actually gay
the whole time, but told everyone I knew

not to tell me, because I was cringe.

[audience laughs and reacts shocked]

True story.

People are saying F? Okay, wow.

Dan Howell Defence Forces.
[audience yells F]

Wow, wow, wow.
Wait, wait, wait.

We need to save F for
something truly degenerate,

you don't know how low this could go.
I'll put him in D.

I don't hate him, it's my fault.

Next, we have Keanu Reeves, okay.
[audience cheering]

Now this might be an overrated opinion,
but think about it.

He gave us Speed, he gave us Neo,
he was in Bill & Ted.

And he is nice, apparently.

What are we gonna give Keanu?

[audience yelling S]

You know what? Fuck yeah,
straight to S with Keanu Reeves.

And I will attempt to kick you in
the chin if you have a problem with that.

Gerard Way.

[audience cheering]

You have no idea
how fucking emo I was, okay?

Someone said S+,
we need a new tier for Gerard Way.

I was a mess when I was 14 and this guy,
he came out-

I was sat there with socks on my arm,
I was singing "I'm not okay"

into my fat CRT-monitor looking
on MySpace, his music saved my life.

He occasionally kissed boys.

And, he was a vision, but-
before you get too excited,

he's kinda short,
so I'll put him on the second shelf.

I'll give him an A!
I'll give him an A.

He can't reach S, he can't reach S,
it's fine.

charlieissocoollike.

[audience cheering]

If you don't know,
the OG British YouTuber.

I've been in love with him
for about 15 years.

He knows this.

[audience laughing]

Very clear- there is an
open invitation there.

If he wants to just get married
and just go off somewhere in Canada.

Hi, I'll get on a flight anytime.

But!

Think about it.

This is the guy that made
the video "I'm Scared",

that made me such a neurotic fuck
on YouTube, okay?

He is so reclusive that
if me and him got together,

we'd fucking fade out of existence.

[audience laughing]

We'd kiss and then just go "Buuuh"

We'd get Thanos-ed instantly.
So nothing personal,

it's a C because some people are
just not meant to be, okay?

Evan Peters.

[audience cheering]

We could just do as a person,
but this is a gay thing,

so we're gonna do every
character from AHS.

Okay. I know you had your
Hot Topic moment, but F.

Okay, Asylum B for buts.

Coven C for corpse.

Freak Show, if you know,
you know, A.

Hotel? Nah, that's gonna be a D.

Roanoke? C.

And then that- F+.

Right, but Evan himself,
what are we thinking?

[audience yelling S]

Beautiful eruptions of parseltongue
from the audience tonight.

J. K. Rowling would be so offended to see
what her fans have done with the place.

It's an S.

Okay, see. This is going well.

I thought I lost you
with the weird ones there,

but we brought it back.
Zabivaka.

[audience laughing]

If you don't know,
this was Russia's attempt

at making a non-gay mascot for
their FIFA World Cup in 2018.

And the moment they released this
heterosexual mascot,

you know what
the artists did on the internet?

[audience laughing]

Oh yeah, they did. [laughs]

Okay, the-
there is a lot going on with that.

We do not have time to unpack this.

And clearly he's packing something
else on that one on the left there.

uwu, what's this? I've noticed something.

But, as amazingly erotic as he is,
he's a football mascot.

I'll give him a B for balls.
It's only fair enough.

Right, Manny Jacinto.
Do you know who he is?

Yeah, from The Good Place.

There are some people in life
that are just disgusting,

because they are so perfect,
it makes you feel like a slug.

Just a disgusting, worthless slime
everytime-

And that's him, okay?

He can dance, he can act.
He has jawbones

that could cut the universe in half
and destroy instantly any moment.

What are we thinking?

[audience yelling S]
S?

Maybe- but, for me,
is that co-?

No, I'm gonna give him.

I- I'll give him an A.
That's good, it's good.

The red M&M.

[audience replying]

You don't see it?

You don't see- the green one?

[audience talking]

Wow, wow.

So you're like "Dan, the red M&M? No, no.
The green one? Hell yeah!"

[audience laughing]
Hell yeah.

Do you not see there's a certain arrogance
that's kinda hot?

You kinda- you just wanna be like
shouted at by the red M&M sometimes.

Just me?

Also, did they eat M&M's in
the adverts for M&M's?

Are they cannibals?

[audience says yes]

I also feel like he probably voted
for Trump.

I don't know, I gain that energy.

Is- is this as bad as it gets?

I'm feeling- okay, fine.

We have our first F, people!
Get the fuck down there, red M&M!

Okay, but no more weird ones, I promise.

The AstraZeneca logo.

[audience laughing]

Just me?

[audience says yes]

Wow, do you not see the
inherent sexual energy of the AstraZeneca?

That is clearly a man assuming
some kind of position.

No? I was watching these new
and I was like

"Damn, I need to go to the other room-"

Well, you know.
This is about me, not you.

I'm feeling very
homophobicly attacked.

That is an A for me, I'm just gonna say.

And now we have a category which is
about a philosophical question, which is

if you had a clone of yourself
in front of you, would you fuck?

[audience saying yes]

[laughs] One no and all people like
"Yes, I've thought about this!"

It's good.

Uhm, so, I present a trio of people
that have regularly been compared to me:

Anthony Padilla, Liam Payne
and Wilbur Soot.

So, first up is Anthony.

Not to be weird,
Anthony Padilla is sat right there.

Uhm... Hi.
Anthony, this is not weird!

This is not about you,
this is about me, okay?

So this is- don't- this is not weird.
We're being objective.

Let's think about it.

[audience laughing]

Right, talented. Succesfull.
Yeah, but like, Anthony,

he does exercise.
What the fuck?

[audience laughing]

Also, we have the same hair and instead
of desperately trying to cover it up,

he's embraced the curls and has
done something with it successfully?

[audience cheering]

So, Anthony is basically just
the genetically superior version of me.

Uh, you know. What are we-
Are we compatible?

What did we do the last time we hung out?

We ate burritos and got high,
do you remember?

- [Anthony] I actually forgot]
- It wasn't gay.

Let's give Anthony an A.
Good for you, Anthony!

[audience cheering]

He did it! He did it.

Sit down, sit down, thank you.

A for ally.
No, uhm.

Liam Payne, how do we feel?

[audience yelling and booing]

Y'all motherfuckers are trying
to drag me into some mess right now,

you're trying to get me
killed in the streets?

Okay, no! I'm just doing this
because people said we kinda look similar.

Look, we all have bad weeks, okay?

If he pushed me up against the wall
and said he'd break my hand,

I'd be like "Okay Liam!"

[audience laughing]

"You can break my other hand and my leg
and I'm okay with that!"

Bu- let's put him in D tier, moving on.

Wilbur Soot, okay, yeah.

Very popular right now,
got the whole Minecraft thing going.

Also music, very talented.

But, are we compatible?
I don't play Minecraft

and that's like 90% of the iceberg,
isn't it?

I don't wanna start drama with the
equally terrifying Minecraft-community

I'll give him a B for block!
There we go, okay.

And lastly,
I need you to support me on this

'cause this is the end, okay?

So no matter what I say,
you have to support me,

because this is about me being
valid at the end of pride month.

Okay, Mr. Pringle.

[audience react]

No! No, sh- okay!

I have had it with you people!

You do not get to sit there and judge me!

This is a safe space for me.

I would explore his tube and
there is nothing that you can do about it.

[audience react shocked]

Watch me fucking leave 'cause you're a b-

His mustache would tickle you
in all the right places.

[audience react shocked]

And also, free Pringles,
it's a fucking S, I don't care!

I don't care!

That's the S.

This is authentically me,
whether you like it or not.

And I bet you regret coming here,
but it's too late.

You have enabled me,
you have created a monster

and now I am once more
released into the world.

I am Dan and I am now free.

This is your problem.
Okay, bye!

[audience cheering]

I apologise for nothing!

[ominous music]