1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,022
[audience talking]

2
00:00:07,022 --> 00:00:09,453
[audience cheering]

3
00:00:09,453 --> 00:00:13,061
I've got a lot of time to make up for
in my gay journey through life

4
00:00:13,061 --> 00:00:16,203
because one of the things
that I feel honestly

5
00:00:16,203 --> 00:00:17,860
I missed out on
when I was younger,

6
00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:22,935
was just being able to share my feelings
about boys with the people in my life.

7
00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:24,837
'Cause it was always the shameful secret

8
00:00:24,837 --> 00:00:27,170
it was just bubbling on the inside,
all the angst.

9
00:00:27,170 --> 00:00:30,778
So today, I thought
let's just make up for lost time.

10
00:00:30,778 --> 00:00:37,369
I would like to lay out a timeline of
my complete emotional, romantic journey

11
00:00:37,369 --> 00:00:41,729
in the ultimate Dan's Gay Crush Tier List!

12
00:00:41,729 --> 00:00:45,098
[audience cheering] Oh yeah!

13
00:00:47,138 --> 00:00:49,734
If you don't know how this works,
we've got A to F.

14
00:00:49,734 --> 00:00:53,184
It's like school grades.
S is the top shelf, F is the bottom.

15
00:00:53,184 --> 00:00:57,967
I'm gonna go from my first ever feelings
to my current degenerate fantasies

16
00:00:57,967 --> 00:01:00,885
and you all get to judge my taste level.

17
00:01:00,885 --> 00:01:02,852
But this isn't about what you think,

18
00:01:02,852 --> 00:01:06,057
this is about how compatable
they would be with me

19
00:01:06,057 --> 00:01:09,681
and whether "Oh, I thought I have a crush
on them. Is it a good idea? No."

20
00:01:09,681 --> 00:01:11,002
So, are you ready?

21
00:01:11,002 --> 00:01:12,419
[audience cheering] Okay.

22
00:01:12,419 --> 00:01:16,430
First up: Aladdin.
[audience cheering]

23
00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:17,611
Okay, taste. Taste.

24
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:21,809
The whole thing with
all the Disney things is:

25
00:01:21,809 --> 00:01:24,361
"Did I enjoy this as Disney intended,

26
00:01:24,361 --> 00:01:27,694
putting myself in Aladdin's shoes
next to Jasmine?"

27
00:01:27,694 --> 00:01:30,394
No, no. I wanted to be Jasmine
on the magic carpet

28
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:31,544
with Aladdin.

29
00:01:31,544 --> 00:01:34,044
Obviously, there's pre- and
post-lamp Aladdin.

30
00:01:34,044 --> 00:01:35,577
'Cause post-lamp S, easy.

31
00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:37,860
But, hey! What are we working with?

32
00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:39,895
We got fez.

33
00:01:39,895 --> 00:01:40,878
Monkey.

34
00:01:40,878 --> 00:01:44,095
He would steal bread for you.
That's someone you can count on.

35
00:01:44,095 --> 00:01:45,510
What would you give Aladdin?

36
00:01:45,510 --> 00:01:46,572
[audience saying S] S?

37
00:01:46,572 --> 00:01:48,033
Okay, okay.

38
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,370
We need to leave room for S.

39
00:01:49,370 --> 00:01:51,577
Strong A for Aladdin, good start! Okay!

40
00:01:51,577 --> 00:01:52,760
Next up, Tigger.

41
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,960
[audience laughing]

42
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,794
Wow! What- no!

43
00:01:56,794 --> 00:01:58,078
No, no, no, no!

44
00:01:58,078 --> 00:01:59,029
Oi, shut up!

45
00:01:59,029 --> 00:02:01,793
There's- romantic.
This is just about young feelings-

46
00:02:01,793 --> 00:02:04,777
I watched a lot of
Winnie-the-Pooh as a kid and

47
00:02:04,777 --> 00:02:06,952
the Hundred Acre Wood is a scary place.

48
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,959
They got Heffalumps, Woozles, you know.

49
00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:11,583
Some- rabbits.

50
00:02:12,405 --> 00:02:16,163
And maybe it was my furry-awakening, we'll
never know. But let's think about it.

51
00:02:16,163 --> 00:02:18,795
He's kind, he's positive, bouncy.
He's got a hard tail.

52
00:02:18,795 --> 00:02:20,778
That's always quite enjoyable.

53
00:02:20,778 --> 00:02:22,082
[audience murmuring]

54
00:02:22,082 --> 00:02:24,078
Oi, I don't know what you're saying there.

55
00:02:24,078 --> 00:02:25,476
What would you give Tigger?

56
00:02:25,476 --> 00:02:26,745
[audience yelling letters]

57
00:02:26,745 --> 00:02:28,259
C? Wow!

58
00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:30,095
Kick him out!

59
00:02:30,095 --> 00:02:32,240
No, that's fine.
I'll give him a B for bouncy.

60
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,962
Okay, next: Crash Bandicoot.
[audience yelling and laughing]

61
00:02:35,962 --> 00:02:37,645
Wow! Uhm,

62
00:02:37,645 --> 00:02:41,687
I thought this was a place of
acceptance? Hello?

63
00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:45,915
Guys, he- it's anthro. Anthropomorphic.

64
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,926
He's wearing trousers.
He's not an animal, okay?

65
00:02:48,926 --> 00:02:50,579
Okay, well no.

66
00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:53,624
He is literally just a bandicoot,
isn't he? There's no other way.

67
00:02:53,624 --> 00:02:55,576
Okay. [laughs]
But he's wearing shoes.

68
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,012
Dogs can't wear shoes.
[audience laughs]

69
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:00,261
No wait. Dogs can wear shoes and trousers.

70
00:03:00,261 --> 00:03:01,162
Okay, no.

71
00:03:01,162 --> 00:03:02,546
Bipedal, that's it!

72
00:03:02,546 --> 00:03:06,361
If it stands on two legs, you can fuck it.
That's the rule. That's how it works.

73
00:03:06,361 --> 00:03:09,401
No, that's how it works!
[laughs]

74
00:03:09,401 --> 00:03:13,062
Dan Howell 2022: "You can fuck penguins".
That's what I'm saying.

75
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:15,511
[audience laughs]
Let's give him a B for bandicoot.

76
00:03:15,511 --> 00:03:19,094
Okay, yes. My knight in shining armour.

77
00:03:19,094 --> 00:03:22,602
When I was younger, I went to one of those
Renaissance fair-things.

78
00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:24,333
Where they do
medieval re-enactment,

79
00:03:24,333 --> 00:03:26,437
and they had a jousting display.

80
00:03:26,437 --> 00:03:29,795
And I was there, I was like 11,
stood at the end of the field.

81
00:03:29,795 --> 00:03:32,395
This guy finished an epic joust, you know.

82
00:03:32,395 --> 00:03:38,079
He pulled off his helmet and
it was a teen boy with long, blond hair,

83
00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:40,318
and he rode past me
with the helmet in his arm

84
00:03:40,318 --> 00:03:43,037
and just looked at me with
his hair blowing in the wind.

85
00:03:43,037 --> 00:03:46,007
And that is what turned me gay.
That moment.

86
00:03:46,007 --> 00:03:51,659
Honestly, I was so spellbound that I
thought about him for months, for years.

87
00:03:51,659 --> 00:03:55,601
But! How do we feel about the
'Knight in shining armour' trope?

88
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,995
Are we kinda over that? As a society?

89
00:03:57,995 --> 00:03:59,829
We don't need them to save us!

90
00:03:59,829 --> 00:04:02,796
Also, athletic.
No, definitely C. It's a C.

91
00:04:02,796 --> 00:04:04,795
Next: Bradley from S Club.

92
00:04:04,795 --> 00:04:06,812
[audience cheering]
Yeah.

93
00:04:06,812 --> 00:04:10,402
If any Americans are watching this:
goated pop group, okay?

94
00:04:10,402 --> 00:04:11,395
You had to be there.

95
00:04:11,395 --> 00:04:13,798
Bradley, he can swing, apparently.

96
00:04:13,798 --> 00:04:16,411
He can sing, breakdance. Act!

97
00:04:16,411 --> 00:04:18,045
Quadri-dri-dripple threat.

98
00:04:18,045 --> 00:04:20,092
What would you give Bradley from S Club?

99
00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:21,156
[audience yelling S]

100
00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:22,788
S? You g- You with the S? S! S!

101
00:04:22,788 --> 00:04:24,843
Simp! That's S for simp! For all of you-

102
00:04:24,843 --> 00:04:28,146
No, I mean, he's way too cool.
I'm a disgusting nerd.

103
00:04:28,146 --> 00:04:31,561
It's not about him, it's about me,
and for me, it's a B.

104
00:04:31,561 --> 00:04:33,928
[loud response from the audience]
Snape.

105
00:04:33,928 --> 00:04:40,247
Haha. Mixed- A lot of people are like
"Heh" and a lot of people are like "Yeah!"

106
00:04:41,111 --> 00:04:43,063
Not professor Snape.

107
00:04:43,063 --> 00:04:46,765
Young, angsty Snape
from the Half-Blood Prince, okay?

108
00:04:46,765 --> 00:04:49,961
You get me? Because when I read that,
I was angsty as fuck, okay?

109
00:04:49,961 --> 00:04:51,066
You don't understand.

110
00:04:51,066 --> 00:04:56,279
I was just thinking: "What if
I was at school with young Snape?"

111
00:04:56,279 --> 00:05:00,430
This wasn't one of those situations where
I was like "He's so dark, I can save him."

112
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:03,480
No. If I was with him,
it would be toxic as fuck.

113
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,531
[audience laughing]

114
00:05:04,531 --> 00:05:06,941
It would be a dark-
we would spiral dramatically,

115
00:05:06,941 --> 00:05:09,666
I would become a Death Eater,
unironically.

116
00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:11,412
It would be a complete disaster.

117
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,046
So I know you all like it,
but no, this is for me,

118
00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:15,430
and it is a D.

119
00:05:15,430 --> 00:05:19,513
Next, we have Ewan McGregor and
Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge.

120
00:05:19,513 --> 00:05:23,296
Now, some boys said
"My favourite movie is Jurassic Park."

121
00:05:23,296 --> 00:05:25,413
I was like "I like Moulin Rouge!"
Gay.

122
00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:26,495
Gay!

123
00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:27,746
Gay!!

124
00:05:27,746 --> 00:05:29,529
Shoulda saw that coming, shouldn't I?

125
00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:32,151
But this isn't Ewan McGregor
and Nicole Kidman,

126
00:05:32,151 --> 00:05:34,979
'cause I know some lesbians here
will be like "Nicole!"

127
00:05:36,258 --> 00:05:38,111
No, it's Satine and Christian.

128
00:05:38,111 --> 00:05:42,763
Right, this guys, he was a mess! Okay.
No career prospects, he was useless.

129
00:05:42,763 --> 00:05:45,246
Honestly, I'm gonna give him
a C for Christian.

130
00:05:45,246 --> 00:05:48,629
And Satine, she had creepy
British men trying to kill her.

131
00:05:48,629 --> 00:05:51,659
That would not be fun!
I'll give her a C for consumption.

132
00:05:51,659 --> 00:05:55,046
Okay, next, we have Tidus!
[audience cheering]

133
00:05:55,046 --> 00:05:56,447
Yeah? You know him?

134
00:05:56,447 --> 00:05:59,397
He's the protagonist from
a game called Final Fantasy X.

135
00:05:59,397 --> 00:06:03,333
He is a sportstar from another dimension

136
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,749
that was made to save the world.
Cringe, I know.

137
00:06:05,749 --> 00:06:11,263
But, underwater football player and me?
I thought he was hot, but let's be honest:

138
00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:12,996
he would bully me. He would.

139
00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:16,204
If we went to school together,
he would be like "What is that?"

140
00:06:16,616 --> 00:06:20,564
He would spit on me, I would cry
and I would still love him.

141
00:06:20,564 --> 00:06:22,674
But, no, I don't think that's happening.

142
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,844
I'll give him a B for blitzball. And!

143
00:06:24,844 --> 00:06:27,267
Wait, there was someone else in this game.

144
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,891
There was a character called Lulu who,
as you can see,

145
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:35,548
was literally the dream
big titty, goth girlfriend, okay?

146
00:06:35,548 --> 00:06:38,496
And she was- she's called The Strap.

147
00:06:38,496 --> 00:06:41,597
Like, you don't-
you can see about 15 of them in her dress.

148
00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:46,612
I am confused by her to this day.

149
00:06:46,612 --> 00:06:51,345
She could throw a fireball at me and
I would be like "Thank you. Do it again."

150
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:55,863
That is a strong S!
[audience cheering]

151
00:06:55,863 --> 00:06:59,175
Not just pandering to the lesbians,
that is actually S.

152
00:06:59,175 --> 00:07:01,799
But that wasn't it.
There was someone else in this game.

153
00:07:01,799 --> 00:07:04,845
There was like a bodyguard for a summoner,
he was called Kimahri.

154
00:07:04,845 --> 00:07:06,718
[audience laughing]
And- wait, wait!

155
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,476
Wait, I will bring you around, okay?

156
00:07:08,476 --> 00:07:12,520
Because look at how guys was
introduced in the game.

157
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:17,404
[Kimahri growling]

158
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,158
[audience laughing]

159
00:07:19,158 --> 00:07:28,729
[Kimahri growling]

160
00:07:28,729 --> 00:07:29,720
Fuck yeah!

161
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,097
[audience laughing]

162
00:07:32,097 --> 00:07:34,808
God, I'm so fucking hard right now.
That's amazing.

163
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:38,680
So I'll give him an A for furry-awakening!

164
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:39,952
Next, Troy Bolton-

165
00:07:39,952 --> 00:07:42,648
[audience cheering]

166
00:07:42,648 --> 00:07:46,731
Specifically, High School Musical 2.
They say-

167
00:07:46,731 --> 00:07:47,805
[audience cheering]

168
00:07:47,805 --> 00:07:50,571
You can't generalize-
there is no such thing as a gay test.

169
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,296
There is such thing as the gay test.

170
00:07:52,296 --> 00:07:54,959
The test is, you ask someone what
their favourite HSM is.

171
00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:57,897
If they say 1, straight.
If they say 2, gay. That's it.

172
00:07:57,897 --> 00:08:02,714
Who's the best character? Gabriella?
No. Sharpay? Yes.

173
00:08:02,714 --> 00:08:04,265
Also, correct.

174
00:08:04,995 --> 00:08:07,981
But, mhm... Think about it. For me.

175
00:08:07,981 --> 00:08:09,911
Again, would he really be my friend?

176
00:08:09,911 --> 00:08:13,242
He wouldn't talk to me. I would just be
crying in the corner somewhere.

177
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:17,552
He plays golf, he wears polo-shirts.
We have nothing in common.

178
00:08:17,552 --> 00:08:19,400
I- I'm just gonna give him a D-tier.

179
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:24,087
This isn't about him! It's about me.
D for 'Dan is depressed'. Next one.

180
00:08:24,497 --> 00:08:28,007
The first boy that I ever had a crush on.

181
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:32,731
This was in my school. I was like 13, and
we were friends until one day I was like

182
00:08:32,731 --> 00:08:35,614
"I want more from this."

183
00:08:35,614 --> 00:08:36,495
He broke my heart.

184
00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:38,315
I thought I was actually in love.

185
00:08:38,315 --> 00:08:41,403
I thought I was in- I was in-
he was just the first person I knew,

186
00:08:41,403 --> 00:08:43,650
and therefore I was like
"This must be love!"

187
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,981
If you don't know the story,

188
00:08:45,981 --> 00:08:49,647
basically, he ghosted me for 3 years
and then later

189
00:08:49,647 --> 00:08:53,265
I found out that he was actually gay
the whole time, but told everyone I knew

190
00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:55,714
not to tell me, because I was cringe.

191
00:08:55,714 --> 00:09:01,148
[audience laughs and reacts shocked]

192
00:09:01,148 --> 00:09:02,231
True story.

193
00:09:02,231 --> 00:09:04,049
People are saying F? Okay, wow.

194
00:09:04,049 --> 00:09:06,401
Dan Howell Defence Forces.
[audience yells F]

195
00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:08,389
Wow, wow, wow.
Wait, wait, wait.

196
00:09:08,389 --> 00:09:10,996
We need to save F for
something truly degenerate,

197
00:09:10,996 --> 00:09:13,631
you don't know how low this could go.
I'll put him in D.

198
00:09:13,631 --> 00:09:15,980
I don't hate him, it's my fault.

199
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:19,112
Next, we have Keanu Reeves, okay.
[audience cheering]

200
00:09:19,112 --> 00:09:22,265
Now this might be an overrated opinion,
but think about it.

201
00:09:22,265 --> 00:09:25,149
He gave us Speed, he gave us Neo,
he was in Bill & Ted.

202
00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:26,914
And he is nice, apparently.

203
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,306
What are we gonna give Keanu?

204
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,073
[audience yelling S]

205
00:09:30,073 --> 00:09:34,292
You know what? Fuck yeah,
straight to S with Keanu Reeves.

206
00:09:34,292 --> 00:09:37,949
And I will attempt to kick you in
the chin if you have a problem with that.

207
00:09:37,949 --> 00:09:38,770
Gerard Way.

208
00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:42,746
[audience cheering]

209
00:09:42,746 --> 00:09:46,547
You have no idea
how fucking emo I was, okay?

210
00:09:46,547 --> 00:09:50,508
Someone said S+,
we need a new tier for Gerard Way.

211
00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:54,982
I was a mess when I was 14 and this guy,
he came out-

212
00:09:54,982 --> 00:09:58,851
I was sat there with socks on my arm,
I was singing "I'm not okay"

213
00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:03,065
into my fat CRT-monitor looking
on MySpace, his music saved my life.

214
00:10:03,065 --> 00:10:04,883
He occasionally kissed boys.

215
00:10:04,883 --> 00:10:07,787
And, he was a vision, but-
before you get too excited,

216
00:10:07,787 --> 00:10:10,305
he's kinda short,
so I'll put him on the second shelf.

217
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:12,288
I'll give him an A!
I'll give him an A.

218
00:10:12,288 --> 00:10:15,197
He can't reach S, he can't reach S,
it's fine.

219
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,881
charlieissocoollike.

220
00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:19,082
[audience cheering]

221
00:10:19,082 --> 00:10:22,462
If you don't know,
the OG British YouTuber.

222
00:10:22,462 --> 00:10:25,369
I've been in love with him
for about 15 years.

223
00:10:26,243 --> 00:10:27,638
He knows this.

224
00:10:27,638 --> 00:10:28,748
[audience laughing]

225
00:10:28,748 --> 00:10:30,888
Very clear- there is an
open invitation there.

226
00:10:30,888 --> 00:10:34,098
If he wants to just get married
and just go off somewhere in Canada.

227
00:10:34,098 --> 00:10:35,849
Hi, I'll get on a flight anytime.

228
00:10:35,849 --> 00:10:36,815
But!

229
00:10:36,815 --> 00:10:38,199
Think about it.

230
00:10:38,199 --> 00:10:41,749
This is the guy that made
the video "I'm Scared",

231
00:10:41,749 --> 00:10:45,099
that made me such a neurotic fuck
on YouTube, okay?

232
00:10:45,099 --> 00:10:49,548
He is so reclusive that
if me and him got together,

233
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:51,231
we'd fucking fade out of existence.

234
00:10:51,231 --> 00:10:52,549
[audience laughing]

235
00:10:52,549 --> 00:10:55,766
We'd kiss and then just go "Buuuh"

236
00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:58,532
We'd get Thanos-ed instantly.
So nothing personal,

237
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:01,833
it's a C because some people are
just not meant to be, okay?

238
00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:03,025
Evan Peters.

239
00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:04,902
[audience cheering]

240
00:11:04,902 --> 00:11:07,429
We could just do as a person,
but this is a gay thing,

241
00:11:07,429 --> 00:11:09,447
so we're gonna do every
character from AHS.

242
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:12,317
Okay. I know you had your
Hot Topic moment, but F.

243
00:11:12,317 --> 00:11:14,467
Okay, Asylum B for buts.

244
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:15,767
Coven C for corpse.

245
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:18,217
Freak Show, if you know,
you know, A.

246
00:11:18,217 --> 00:11:20,717
Hotel? Nah, that's gonna be a D.

247
00:11:20,717 --> 00:11:22,118
Roanoke? C.

248
00:11:22,118 --> 00:11:24,001
And then that- F+.

249
00:11:24,001 --> 00:11:26,806
Right, but Evan himself,
what are we thinking?

250
00:11:26,806 --> 00:11:29,135
[audience yelling S]

251
00:11:29,135 --> 00:11:32,117
Beautiful eruptions of parseltongue
from the audience tonight.

252
00:11:32,117 --> 00:11:35,927
J. K. Rowling would be so offended to see
what her fans have done with the place.

253
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:36,801
It's an S.

254
00:11:36,801 --> 00:11:38,551
Okay, see. This is going well.

255
00:11:38,551 --> 00:11:40,876
I thought I lost you
with the weird ones there,

256
00:11:40,876 --> 00:11:42,818
but we brought it back.
Zabivaka.

257
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:45,849
[audience laughing]

258
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:52,017
If you don't know,
this was Russia's attempt

259
00:11:52,017 --> 00:11:57,251
at making a non-gay mascot for
their FIFA World Cup in 2018.

260
00:11:57,251 --> 00:12:00,101
And the moment they released this
heterosexual mascot,

261
00:12:00,101 --> 00:12:02,428
you know what
the artists did on the internet?

262
00:12:02,428 --> 00:12:04,174
[audience laughing]

263
00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:06,588
Oh yeah, they did. [laughs]

264
00:12:06,588 --> 00:12:10,549
Okay, the-
there is a lot going on with that.

265
00:12:10,549 --> 00:12:13,459
We do not have time to unpack this.

266
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,491
And clearly he's packing something
else on that one on the left there.

267
00:12:17,551 --> 00:12:19,951
uwu, what's this? I've noticed something.

268
00:12:20,998 --> 00:12:24,741
But, as amazingly erotic as he is,
he's a football mascot.

269
00:12:24,741 --> 00:12:27,118
I'll give him a B for balls.
It's only fair enough.

270
00:12:27,118 --> 00:12:29,947
Right, Manny Jacinto.
Do you know who he is?

271
00:12:29,947 --> 00:12:31,218
Yeah, from The Good Place.

272
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,617
There are some people in life
that are just disgusting,

273
00:12:34,617 --> 00:12:39,018
because they are so perfect,
it makes you feel like a slug.

274
00:12:39,018 --> 00:12:42,068
Just a disgusting, worthless slime
everytime-

275
00:12:42,068 --> 00:12:43,618
And that's him, okay?

276
00:12:43,618 --> 00:12:45,901
He can dance, he can act.
He has jawbones

277
00:12:45,901 --> 00:12:49,135
that could cut the universe in half
and destroy instantly any moment.

278
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:50,425
What are we thinking?

279
00:12:50,425 --> 00:12:51,699
[audience yelling S]
S?

280
00:12:51,699 --> 00:12:53,302
Maybe- but, for me,
is that co-?

281
00:12:53,302 --> 00:12:55,057
No, I'm gonna give him.

282
00:12:55,057 --> 00:12:57,231
I- I'll give him an A.
That's good, it's good.

283
00:12:57,304 --> 00:12:59,094
The red M&M.

284
00:12:59,094 --> 00:13:00,885
[audience replying]

285
00:13:00,885 --> 00:13:02,053
You don't see it?

286
00:13:02,053 --> 00:13:04,174
You don't see- the green one?

287
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:06,058
[audience talking]

288
00:13:06,058 --> 00:13:06,969
Wow, wow.

289
00:13:06,969 --> 00:13:10,747
So you're like "Dan, the red M&M? No, no.
The green one? Hell yeah!"

290
00:13:10,747 --> 00:13:12,135
[audience laughing]
Hell yeah.

291
00:13:12,135 --> 00:13:14,991
Do you not see there's a certain arrogance
that's kinda hot?

292
00:13:14,991 --> 00:13:19,382
You kinda- you just wanna be like
shouted at by the red M&M sometimes.

293
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,218
Just me?

294
00:13:20,218 --> 00:13:23,445
Also, did they eat M&M's in
the adverts for M&M's?

295
00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:24,447
Are they cannibals?

296
00:13:24,447 --> 00:13:25,546
[audience says yes]

297
00:13:25,546 --> 00:13:27,685
I also feel like he probably voted
for Trump.

298
00:13:27,685 --> 00:13:29,298
I don't know, I gain that energy.

299
00:13:29,298 --> 00:13:30,769
Is- is this as bad as it gets?

300
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:31,975
I'm feeling- okay, fine.

301
00:13:31,975 --> 00:13:37,964
We have our first F, people!
Get the fuck down there, red M&M!

302
00:13:38,438 --> 00:13:40,552
Okay, but no more weird ones, I promise.

303
00:13:40,552 --> 00:13:41,730
The AstraZeneca logo.

304
00:13:41,730 --> 00:13:44,486
[audience laughing]

305
00:13:44,486 --> 00:13:45,410
Just me?

306
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:46,501
[audience says yes]

307
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:51,650
Wow, do you not see the
inherent sexual energy of the AstraZeneca?

308
00:13:51,650 --> 00:13:55,409
That is clearly a man assuming
some kind of position.

309
00:13:56,881 --> 00:14:00,019
No? I was watching these new
and I was like

310
00:14:00,019 --> 00:14:02,095
"Damn, I need to go to the other room-"

311
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,057
Well, you know.
This is about me, not you.

312
00:14:04,057 --> 00:14:05,892
I'm feeling very
homophobicly attacked.

313
00:14:05,892 --> 00:14:08,153
That is an A for me, I'm just gonna say.

314
00:14:08,153 --> 00:14:13,734
And now we have a category which is
about a philosophical question, which is

315
00:14:13,734 --> 00:14:18,552
if you had a clone of yourself
in front of you, would you fuck?

316
00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:19,715
[audience saying yes]

317
00:14:19,715 --> 00:14:22,853
[laughs] One no and all people like
"Yes, I've thought about this!"

318
00:14:22,853 --> 00:14:23,835
It's good.

319
00:14:23,835 --> 00:14:27,987
Uhm, so, I present a trio of people
that have regularly been compared to me:

320
00:14:27,987 --> 00:14:31,975
Anthony Padilla, Liam Payne
and Wilbur Soot.

321
00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:34,568
So, first up is Anthony.

322
00:14:34,568 --> 00:14:36,995
Not to be weird,
Anthony Padilla is sat right there.

323
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,589
Uhm... Hi.
Anthony, this is not weird!

324
00:14:41,671 --> 00:14:44,452
This is not about you,
this is about me, okay?

325
00:14:44,452 --> 00:14:47,470
So this is- don't- this is not weird.
We're being objective.

326
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:48,551
Let's think about it.

327
00:14:48,551 --> 00:14:49,632
[audience laughing]

328
00:14:49,632 --> 00:14:53,888
Right, talented. Succesfull.
Yeah, but like, Anthony,

329
00:14:53,888 --> 00:14:55,885
he does exercise.
What the fuck?

330
00:14:55,885 --> 00:14:57,581
[audience laughing]

331
00:14:57,581 --> 00:15:01,286
Also, we have the same hair and instead
of desperately trying to cover it up,

332
00:15:01,286 --> 00:15:04,712
he's embraced the curls and has
done something with it successfully?

333
00:15:04,712 --> 00:15:06,886
[audience cheering]

334
00:15:06,886 --> 00:15:11,281
So, Anthony is basically just
the genetically superior version of me.

335
00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:13,627
Uh, you know. What are we-
Are we compatible?

336
00:15:13,627 --> 00:15:15,591
What did we do the last time we hung out?

337
00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:17,781
We ate burritos and got high,
do you remember?

338
00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:21,169
- [Anthony] I actually forgot]
- It wasn't gay.

339
00:15:22,449 --> 00:15:25,453
Let's give Anthony an A.
Good for you, Anthony!

340
00:15:25,453 --> 00:15:28,568
[audience cheering]

341
00:15:28,568 --> 00:15:29,969
He did it! He did it.

342
00:15:29,969 --> 00:15:31,769
Sit down, sit down, thank you.

343
00:15:31,769 --> 00:15:34,574
A for ally.
No, uhm.

344
00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:37,535
Liam Payne, how do we feel?

345
00:15:37,535 --> 00:15:41,420
[audience yelling and booing]

346
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:44,614
Y'all motherfuckers are trying
to drag me into some mess right now,

347
00:15:44,614 --> 00:15:46,753
you're trying to get me
killed in the streets?

348
00:15:46,753 --> 00:15:50,550
Okay, no! I'm just doing this
because people said we kinda look similar.

349
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,902
Look, we all have bad weeks, okay?

350
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:56,082
If he pushed me up against the wall
and said he'd break my hand,

351
00:15:56,082 --> 00:15:57,428
I'd be like "Okay Liam!"

352
00:15:57,428 --> 00:15:58,804
[audience laughing]

353
00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:01,903
"You can break my other hand and my leg
and I'm okay with that!"

354
00:16:01,903 --> 00:16:04,670
Bu- let's put him in D tier, moving on.

355
00:16:04,670 --> 00:16:07,491
Wilbur Soot, okay, yeah.

356
00:16:07,491 --> 00:16:10,388
Very popular right now,
got the whole Minecraft thing going.

357
00:16:10,388 --> 00:16:12,719
Also music, very talented.

358
00:16:12,719 --> 00:16:15,652
But, are we compatible?
I don't play Minecraft

359
00:16:15,652 --> 00:16:17,925
and that's like 90% of the iceberg,
isn't it?

360
00:16:19,102 --> 00:16:22,553
I don't wanna start drama with the
equally terrifying Minecraft-community

361
00:16:22,553 --> 00:16:25,436
I'll give him a B for block!
There we go, okay.

362
00:16:26,576 --> 00:16:28,720
And lastly,
I need you to support me on this

363
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,118
'cause this is the end, okay?

364
00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:33,418
So no matter what I say,
you have to support me,

365
00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:36,503
because this is about me being
valid at the end of pride month.

366
00:16:36,503 --> 00:16:37,486
Okay, Mr. Pringle.

367
00:16:37,486 --> 00:16:39,119
[audience react]

368
00:16:39,119 --> 00:16:40,119
No! No, sh- okay!

369
00:16:40,119 --> 00:16:41,786
I have had it with you people!

370
00:16:41,786 --> 00:16:44,720
You do not get to sit there and judge me!

371
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,221
This is a safe space for me.

372
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:50,169
I would explore his tube and
there is nothing that you can do about it.

373
00:16:50,169 --> 00:16:51,987
[audience react shocked]

374
00:16:51,987 --> 00:16:53,968
Watch me fucking leave 'cause you're a b-

375
00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:56,640
His mustache would tickle you
in all the right places.

376
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,252
[audience react shocked]

377
00:16:58,252 --> 00:17:01,637
And also, free Pringles,
it's a fucking S, I don't care!

378
00:17:01,637 --> 00:17:02,786
I don't care!

379
00:17:02,786 --> 00:17:04,221
That's the S.

380
00:17:04,221 --> 00:17:07,463
This is authentically me,
whether you like it or not.

381
00:17:07,463 --> 00:17:09,888
And I bet you regret coming here,
but it's too late.

382
00:17:09,888 --> 00:17:12,870
You have enabled me,
you have created a monster

383
00:17:12,870 --> 00:17:15,503
and now I am once more
released into the world.

384
00:17:15,503 --> 00:17:18,120
I am Dan and I am now free.

385
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,770
This is your problem.
Okay, bye!

386
00:17:19,770 --> 00:17:27,438
[audience cheering]

387
00:17:27,438 --> 00:17:30,419
I apologise for nothing!

388
00:17:30,419 --> 00:17:53,181
[ominous music]