WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:07.022
[audience talking]

00:00:07.022 --> 00:00:09.453
[audience cheering]

00:00:09.453 --> 00:00:13.061
I've got a lot of time to make up for
in my gay journey through life

00:00:13.061 --> 00:00:16.203
because one of the things
that I feel honestly

00:00:16.203 --> 00:00:17.860
I missed out on
when I was younger,

00:00:17.860 --> 00:00:22.935
was just being able to share my feelings
about boys with the people in my life.

00:00:22.935 --> 00:00:24.837
'Cause it was always the shameful secret

00:00:24.837 --> 00:00:27.170
it was just bubbling on the inside,
all the angst.

00:00:27.170 --> 00:00:30.778
So today, I thought
let's just make up for lost time.

00:00:30.778 --> 00:00:37.369
I would like to lay out a timeline of
my complete emotional, romantic journey

00:00:37.369 --> 00:00:41.729
in the ultimate Dan's Gay Crush Tier List!

00:00:41.729 --> 00:00:45.098
[audience cheering] Oh yeah!

00:00:47.138 --> 00:00:49.734
If you don't know how this works,
we've got A to F.

00:00:49.734 --> 00:00:53.184
It's like school grades.
S is the top shelf, F is the bottom.

00:00:53.184 --> 00:00:57.967
I'm gonna go from my first ever feelings
to my current degenerate fantasies

00:00:57.967 --> 00:01:00.885
and you all get to judge my taste level.

00:01:00.885 --> 00:01:02.852
But this isn't about what you think,

00:01:02.852 --> 00:01:06.057
this is about how compatable
they would be with me

00:01:06.057 --> 00:01:09.681
and whether "Oh, I thought I have a crush
on them. Is it a good idea? No."

00:01:09.681 --> 00:01:11.002
So, are you ready?

00:01:11.002 --> 00:01:12.419
[audience cheering] Okay.

00:01:12.419 --> 00:01:16.430
First up: Aladdin.
[audience cheering]

00:01:16.430 --> 00:01:17.611
Okay, taste. Taste.

00:01:17.611 --> 00:01:21.809
The whole thing with
all the Disney things is:

00:01:21.809 --> 00:01:24.361
"Did I enjoy this as Disney intended,

00:01:24.361 --> 00:01:27.694
putting myself in Aladdin's shoes
next to Jasmine?"

00:01:27.694 --> 00:01:30.394
No, no. I wanted to be Jasmine
on the magic carpet

00:01:30.394 --> 00:01:31.544
with Aladdin.

00:01:31.544 --> 00:01:34.044
Obviously, there's pre- and
post-lamp Aladdin.

00:01:34.044 --> 00:01:35.577
'Cause post-lamp S, easy.

00:01:35.577 --> 00:01:37.860
But, hey! What are we working with?

00:01:37.860 --> 00:01:39.895
We got fez.

00:01:39.895 --> 00:01:40.878
Monkey.

00:01:40.878 --> 00:01:44.095
He would steal bread for you.
That's someone you can count on.

00:01:44.095 --> 00:01:45.510
What would you give Aladdin?

00:01:45.510 --> 00:01:46.572
[audience saying S] S?

00:01:46.572 --> 00:01:48.033
Okay, okay.

00:01:48.033 --> 00:01:49.370
We need to leave room for S.

00:01:49.370 --> 00:01:51.577
Strong A for Aladdin, good start! Okay!

00:01:51.577 --> 00:01:52.760
Next up, Tigger.

00:01:52.760 --> 00:01:54.960
[audience laughing]

00:01:54.960 --> 00:01:56.794
Wow! What- no!

00:01:56.794 --> 00:01:58.078
No, no, no, no!

00:01:58.078 --> 00:01:59.029
Oi, shut up!

00:01:59.029 --> 00:02:01.793
There's- romantic.
This is just about young feelings-

00:02:01.793 --> 00:02:04.777
I watched a lot of
Winnie-the-Pooh as a kid and

00:02:04.777 --> 00:02:06.952
the Hundred Acre Wood is a scary place.

00:02:06.952 --> 00:02:08.959
They got Heffalumps, Woozles, you know.

00:02:08.959 --> 00:02:11.583
Some- rabbits.

00:02:12.405 --> 00:02:16.163
And maybe it was my furry-awakening, we'll
never know. But let's think about it.

00:02:16.163 --> 00:02:18.795
He's kind, he's positive, bouncy.
He's got a hard tail.

00:02:18.795 --> 00:02:20.778
That's always quite enjoyable.

00:02:20.778 --> 00:02:22.082
[audience murmuring]

00:02:22.082 --> 00:02:24.078
Oi, I don't know what you're saying there.

00:02:24.078 --> 00:02:25.476
What would you give Tigger?

00:02:25.476 --> 00:02:26.745
[audience yelling letters]

00:02:26.745 --> 00:02:28.259
C? Wow!

00:02:29.221 --> 00:02:30.095
Kick him out!

00:02:30.095 --> 00:02:32.240
No, that's fine.
I'll give him a B for bouncy.

00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:35.962
Okay, next: Crash Bandicoot.
[audience yelling and laughing]

00:02:35.962 --> 00:02:37.645
Wow! Uhm,

00:02:37.645 --> 00:02:41.687
I thought this was a place of
acceptance? Hello?

00:02:41.687 --> 00:02:45.915
Guys, he- it's anthro. Anthropomorphic.

00:02:45.915 --> 00:02:48.926
He's wearing trousers.
He's not an animal, okay?

00:02:48.926 --> 00:02:50.579
Okay, well no.

00:02:50.579 --> 00:02:53.624
He is literally just a bandicoot,
isn't he? There's no other way.

00:02:53.624 --> 00:02:55.576
Okay. [laughs]
But he's wearing shoes.

00:02:55.576 --> 00:02:58.012
Dogs can't wear shoes.
[audience laughs]

00:02:58.012 --> 00:03:00.261
No wait. Dogs can wear shoes and trousers.

00:03:00.261 --> 00:03:01.162
Okay, no.

00:03:01.162 --> 00:03:02.546
Bipedal, that's it!

00:03:02.546 --> 00:03:06.361
If it stands on two legs, you can fuck it.
That's the rule. That's how it works.

00:03:06.361 --> 00:03:09.401
No, that's how it works!
[laughs]

00:03:09.401 --> 00:03:13.062
Dan Howell 2022: "You can fuck penguins".
That's what I'm saying.

00:03:13.062 --> 00:03:15.511
[audience laughs]
Let's give him a B for bandicoot.

00:03:15.511 --> 00:03:19.094
Okay, yes. My knight in shining armour.

00:03:19.094 --> 00:03:22.602
When I was younger, I went to one of those
Renaissance fair-things.

00:03:22.602 --> 00:03:24.333
Where they do
medieval re-enactment,

00:03:24.333 --> 00:03:26.437
and they had a jousting display.

00:03:26.437 --> 00:03:29.795
And I was there, I was like 11,
stood at the end of the field.

00:03:29.795 --> 00:03:32.395
This guy finished an epic joust, you know.

00:03:32.395 --> 00:03:38.079
He pulled off his helmet and
it was a teen boy with long, blond hair,

00:03:38.079 --> 00:03:40.318
and he rode past me
with the helmet in his arm

00:03:40.318 --> 00:03:43.037
and just looked at me with
his hair blowing in the wind.

00:03:43.037 --> 00:03:46.007
And that is what turned me gay.
That moment.

00:03:46.007 --> 00:03:51.659
Honestly, I was so spellbound that I
thought about him for months, for years.

00:03:51.659 --> 00:03:55.601
But! How do we feel about the
'Knight in shining armour' trope?

00:03:55.601 --> 00:03:57.995
Are we kinda over that? As a society?

00:03:57.995 --> 00:03:59.829
We don't need them to save us!

00:03:59.829 --> 00:04:02.796
Also, athletic.
No, definitely C. It's a C.

00:04:02.796 --> 00:04:04.795
Next: Bradley from S Club.

00:04:04.795 --> 00:04:06.812
[audience cheering]
Yeah.

00:04:06.812 --> 00:04:10.402
If any Americans are watching this:
goated pop group, okay?

00:04:10.402 --> 00:04:11.395
You had to be there.

00:04:11.395 --> 00:04:13.798
Bradley, he can swing, apparently.

00:04:13.798 --> 00:04:16.411
He can sing, breakdance. Act!

00:04:16.411 --> 00:04:18.045
Quadri-dri-dripple threat.

00:04:18.045 --> 00:04:20.092
What would you give Bradley from S Club?

00:04:20.092 --> 00:04:21.156
[audience yelling S]

00:04:21.156 --> 00:04:22.788
S? You g- You with the S? S! S!

00:04:22.788 --> 00:04:24.843
Simp! That's S for simp! For all of you-

00:04:24.843 --> 00:04:28.146
No, I mean, he's way too cool.
I'm a disgusting nerd.

00:04:28.146 --> 00:04:31.561
It's not about him, it's about me,
and for me, it's a B.

00:04:31.561 --> 00:04:33.928
[loud response from the audience]
Snape.

00:04:33.928 --> 00:04:40.247
Haha. Mixed- A lot of people are like
"Heh" and a lot of people are like "Yeah!"

00:04:41.111 --> 00:04:43.063
Not professor Snape.

00:04:43.063 --> 00:04:46.765
Young, angsty Snape
from the Half-Blood Prince, okay?

00:04:46.765 --> 00:04:49.961
You get me? Because when I read that,
I was angsty as fuck, okay?

00:04:49.961 --> 00:04:51.066
You don't understand.

00:04:51.066 --> 00:04:56.279
I was just thinking: "What if
I was at school with young Snape?"

00:04:56.279 --> 00:05:00.430
This wasn't one of those situations where
I was like "He's so dark, I can save him."

00:05:00.430 --> 00:05:03.480
No. If I was with him,
it would be toxic as fuck.

00:05:03.480 --> 00:05:04.531
[audience laughing]

00:05:04.531 --> 00:05:06.941
It would be a dark-
we would spiral dramatically,

00:05:06.941 --> 00:05:09.666
I would become a Death Eater,
unironically.

00:05:09.666 --> 00:05:11.412
It would be a complete disaster.

00:05:11.412 --> 00:05:14.046
So I know you all like it,
but no, this is for me,

00:05:14.046 --> 00:05:15.430
and it is a D.

00:05:15.430 --> 00:05:19.513
Next, we have Ewan McGregor and
Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge.

00:05:19.513 --> 00:05:23.296
Now, some boys said
"My favourite movie is Jurassic Park."

00:05:23.296 --> 00:05:25.413
I was like "I like Moulin Rouge!"
Gay.

00:05:25.413 --> 00:05:26.495
Gay!

00:05:26.495 --> 00:05:27.746
Gay!!

00:05:27.746 --> 00:05:29.529
Shoulda saw that coming, shouldn't I?

00:05:29.529 --> 00:05:32.151
But this isn't Ewan McGregor
and Nicole Kidman,

00:05:32.151 --> 00:05:34.979
'cause I know some lesbians here
will be like "Nicole!"

00:05:36.258 --> 00:05:38.111
No, it's Satine and Christian.

00:05:38.111 --> 00:05:42.763
Right, this guys, he was a mess! Okay.
No career prospects, he was useless.

00:05:42.763 --> 00:05:45.246
Honestly, I'm gonna give him
a C for Christian.

00:05:45.246 --> 00:05:48.629
And Satine, she had creepy
British men trying to kill her.

00:05:48.629 --> 00:05:51.659
That would not be fun!
I'll give her a C for consumption.

00:05:51.659 --> 00:05:55.046
Okay, next, we have Tidus!
[audience cheering]

00:05:55.046 --> 00:05:56.447
Yeah? You know him?

00:05:56.447 --> 00:05:59.397
He's the protagonist from
a game called Final Fantasy X.

00:05:59.397 --> 00:06:03.333
He is a sportstar from another dimension

00:06:03.333 --> 00:06:05.749
that was made to save the world.
Cringe, I know.

00:06:05.749 --> 00:06:11.263
But, underwater football player and me?
I thought he was hot, but let's be honest:

00:06:11.263 --> 00:06:12.996
he would bully me. He would.

00:06:12.996 --> 00:06:16.204
If we went to school together,
he would be like "What is that?"

00:06:16.616 --> 00:06:20.564
He would spit on me, I would cry
and I would still love him.

00:06:20.564 --> 00:06:22.674
But, no, I don't think that's happening.

00:06:22.674 --> 00:06:24.844
I'll give him a B for blitzball. And!

00:06:24.844 --> 00:06:27.267
Wait, there was someone else in this game.

00:06:27.267 --> 00:06:30.891
There was a character called Lulu who,
as you can see,

00:06:30.891 --> 00:06:35.548
was literally the dream
big titty, goth girlfriend, okay?

00:06:35.548 --> 00:06:38.496
And she was- she's called The Strap.

00:06:38.496 --> 00:06:41.597
Like, you don't-
you can see about 15 of them in her dress.

00:06:41.597 --> 00:06:46.612
I am confused by her to this day.

00:06:46.612 --> 00:06:51.345
She could throw a fireball at me and
I would be like "Thank you. Do it again."

00:06:51.345 --> 00:06:55.863
That is a strong S!
[audience cheering]

00:06:55.863 --> 00:06:59.175
Not just pandering to the lesbians,
that is actually S.

00:06:59.175 --> 00:07:01.799
But that wasn't it.
There was someone else in this game.

00:07:01.799 --> 00:07:04.845
There was like a bodyguard for a summoner,
he was called Kimahri.

00:07:04.845 --> 00:07:06.718
[audience laughing]
And- wait, wait!

00:07:06.718 --> 00:07:08.476
Wait, I will bring you around, okay?

00:07:08.476 --> 00:07:12.520
Because look at how guys was
introduced in the game.

00:07:12.520 --> 00:07:17.404
[Kimahri growling]

00:07:17.404 --> 00:07:19.158
[audience laughing]

00:07:19.158 --> 00:07:28.729
[Kimahri growling]

00:07:28.729 --> 00:07:29.720
Fuck yeah!

00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:32.097
[audience laughing]

00:07:32.097 --> 00:07:34.808
God, I'm so fucking hard right now.
That's amazing.

00:07:36.208 --> 00:07:38.680
So I'll give him an A for furry-awakening!

00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:39.952
Next, Troy Bolton-

00:07:39.952 --> 00:07:42.648
[audience cheering]

00:07:42.648 --> 00:07:46.731
Specifically, High School Musical 2.
They say-

00:07:46.731 --> 00:07:47.805
[audience cheering]

00:07:47.805 --> 00:07:50.571
You can't generalize-
there is no such thing as a gay test.

00:07:50.571 --> 00:07:52.296
There is such thing as the gay test.

00:07:52.296 --> 00:07:54.959
The test is, you ask someone what
their favourite HSM is.

00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:57.897
If they say 1, straight.
If they say 2, gay. That's it.

00:07:57.897 --> 00:08:02.714
Who's the best character? Gabriella?
No. Sharpay? Yes.

00:08:02.714 --> 00:08:04.265
Also, correct.

00:08:04.995 --> 00:08:07.981
But, mhm... Think about it. For me.

00:08:07.981 --> 00:08:09.911
Again, would he really be my friend?

00:08:09.911 --> 00:08:13.242
He wouldn't talk to me. I would just be
crying in the corner somewhere.

00:08:13.242 --> 00:08:17.552
He plays golf, he wears polo-shirts.
We have nothing in common.

00:08:17.552 --> 00:08:19.400
I- I'm just gonna give him a D-tier.

00:08:19.400 --> 00:08:24.087
This isn't about him! It's about me.
D for 'Dan is depressed'. Next one.

00:08:24.497 --> 00:08:28.007
The first boy that I ever had a crush on.

00:08:28.007 --> 00:08:32.731
This was in my school. I was like 13, and
we were friends until one day I was like

00:08:32.731 --> 00:08:35.614
"I want more from this."

00:08:35.614 --> 00:08:36.495
He broke my heart.

00:08:36.495 --> 00:08:38.315
I thought I was actually in love.

00:08:38.315 --> 00:08:41.403
I thought I was in- I was in-
he was just the first person I knew,

00:08:41.403 --> 00:08:43.650
and therefore I was like
"This must be love!"

00:08:44.290 --> 00:08:45.981
If you don't know the story,

00:08:45.981 --> 00:08:49.647
basically, he ghosted me for 3 years
and then later

00:08:49.647 --> 00:08:53.265
I found out that he was actually gay
the whole time, but told everyone I knew

00:08:53.265 --> 00:08:55.714
not to tell me, because I was cringe.

00:08:55.714 --> 00:09:01.148
[audience laughs and reacts shocked]

00:09:01.148 --> 00:09:02.231
True story.

00:09:02.231 --> 00:09:04.049
People are saying F? Okay, wow.

00:09:04.049 --> 00:09:06.401
Dan Howell Defence Forces.
[audience yells F]

00:09:06.401 --> 00:09:08.389
Wow, wow, wow.
Wait, wait, wait.

00:09:08.389 --> 00:09:10.996
We need to save F for
something truly degenerate,

00:09:10.996 --> 00:09:13.631
you don't know how low this could go.
I'll put him in D.

00:09:13.631 --> 00:09:15.980
I don't hate him, it's my fault.

00:09:15.980 --> 00:09:19.112
Next, we have Keanu Reeves, okay.
[audience cheering]

00:09:19.112 --> 00:09:22.265
Now this might be an overrated opinion,
but think about it.

00:09:22.265 --> 00:09:25.149
He gave us Speed, he gave us Neo,
he was in Bill & Ted.

00:09:25.149 --> 00:09:26.914
And he is nice, apparently.

00:09:26.914 --> 00:09:28.306
What are we gonna give Keanu?

00:09:28.306 --> 00:09:30.073
[audience yelling S]

00:09:30.073 --> 00:09:34.292
You know what? Fuck yeah,
straight to S with Keanu Reeves.

00:09:34.292 --> 00:09:37.949
And I will attempt to kick you in
the chin if you have a problem with that.

00:09:37.949 --> 00:09:38.770
Gerard Way.

00:09:38.770 --> 00:09:42.746
[audience cheering]

00:09:42.746 --> 00:09:46.547
You have no idea
how fucking emo I was, okay?

00:09:46.547 --> 00:09:50.508
Someone said S+,
we need a new tier for Gerard Way.

00:09:50.508 --> 00:09:54.982
I was a mess when I was 14 and this guy,
he came out-

00:09:54.982 --> 00:09:58.851
I was sat there with socks on my arm,
I was singing "I'm not okay"

00:09:58.851 --> 00:10:03.065
into my fat CRT-monitor looking
on MySpace, his music saved my life.

00:10:03.065 --> 00:10:04.883
He occasionally kissed boys.

00:10:04.883 --> 00:10:07.787
And, he was a vision, but-
before you get too excited,

00:10:07.787 --> 00:10:10.305
he's kinda short,
so I'll put him on the second shelf.

00:10:10.305 --> 00:10:12.288
I'll give him an A!
I'll give him an A.

00:10:12.288 --> 00:10:15.197
He can't reach S, he can't reach S,
it's fine.

00:10:15.197 --> 00:10:16.881
charlieissocoollike.

00:10:16.881 --> 00:10:19.082
[audience cheering]

00:10:19.082 --> 00:10:22.462
If you don't know,
the OG British YouTuber.

00:10:22.462 --> 00:10:25.369
I've been in love with him
for about 15 years.

00:10:26.243 --> 00:10:27.638
He knows this.

00:10:27.638 --> 00:10:28.748
[audience laughing]

00:10:28.748 --> 00:10:30.888
Very clear- there is an
open invitation there.

00:10:30.888 --> 00:10:34.098
If he wants to just get married
and just go off somewhere in Canada.

00:10:34.098 --> 00:10:35.849
Hi, I'll get on a flight anytime.

00:10:35.849 --> 00:10:36.815
But!

00:10:36.815 --> 00:10:38.199
Think about it.

00:10:38.199 --> 00:10:41.749
This is the guy that made
the video "I'm Scared",

00:10:41.749 --> 00:10:45.099
that made me such a neurotic fuck
on YouTube, okay?

00:10:45.099 --> 00:10:49.548
He is so reclusive that
if me and him got together,

00:10:49.548 --> 00:10:51.231
we'd fucking fade out of existence.

00:10:51.231 --> 00:10:52.549
[audience laughing]

00:10:52.549 --> 00:10:55.766
We'd kiss and then just go "Buuuh"

00:10:55.766 --> 00:10:58.532
We'd get Thanos-ed instantly.
So nothing personal,

00:10:58.532 --> 00:11:01.833
it's a C because some people are
just not meant to be, okay?

00:11:01.833 --> 00:11:03.025
Evan Peters.

00:11:03.025 --> 00:11:04.902
[audience cheering]

00:11:04.902 --> 00:11:07.429
We could just do as a person,
but this is a gay thing,

00:11:07.429 --> 00:11:09.447
so we're gonna do every
character from AHS.

00:11:09.447 --> 00:11:12.317
Okay. I know you had your
Hot Topic moment, but F.

00:11:12.317 --> 00:11:14.467
Okay, Asylum B for buts.

00:11:14.467 --> 00:11:15.767
Coven C for corpse.

00:11:15.767 --> 00:11:18.217
Freak Show, if you know,
you know, A.

00:11:18.217 --> 00:11:20.717
Hotel? Nah, that's gonna be a D.

00:11:20.717 --> 00:11:22.118
Roanoke? C.

00:11:22.118 --> 00:11:24.001
And then that- F+.

00:11:24.001 --> 00:11:26.806
Right, but Evan himself,
what are we thinking?

00:11:26.806 --> 00:11:29.135
[audience yelling S]

00:11:29.135 --> 00:11:32.117
Beautiful eruptions of parseltongue
from the audience tonight.

00:11:32.117 --> 00:11:35.927
J. K. Rowling would be so offended to see
what her fans have done with the place.

00:11:35.927 --> 00:11:36.801
It's an S.

00:11:36.801 --> 00:11:38.551
Okay, see. This is going well.

00:11:38.551 --> 00:11:40.876
I thought I lost you
with the weird ones there,

00:11:40.876 --> 00:11:42.818
but we brought it back.
Zabivaka.

00:11:42.818 --> 00:11:45.849
[audience laughing]

00:11:49.335 --> 00:11:52.017
If you don't know,
this was Russia's attempt

00:11:52.017 --> 00:11:57.251
at making a non-gay mascot for
their FIFA World Cup in 2018.

00:11:57.251 --> 00:12:00.101
And the moment they released this
heterosexual mascot,

00:12:00.101 --> 00:12:02.428
you know what
the artists did on the internet?

00:12:02.428 --> 00:12:04.174
[audience laughing]

00:12:04.174 --> 00:12:06.588
Oh yeah, they did. [laughs]

00:12:06.588 --> 00:12:10.549
Okay, the-
there is a lot going on with that.

00:12:10.549 --> 00:12:13.459
We do not have time to unpack this.

00:12:14.200 --> 00:12:17.491
And clearly he's packing something
else on that one on the left there.

00:12:17.551 --> 00:12:19.951
uwu, what's this? I've noticed something.

00:12:20.998 --> 00:12:24.741
But, as amazingly erotic as he is,
he's a football mascot.

00:12:24.741 --> 00:12:27.118
I'll give him a B for balls.
It's only fair enough.

00:12:27.118 --> 00:12:29.947
Right, Manny Jacinto.
Do you know who he is?

00:12:29.947 --> 00:12:31.218
Yeah, from The Good Place.

00:12:31.218 --> 00:12:34.617
There are some people in life
that are just disgusting,

00:12:34.617 --> 00:12:39.018
because they are so perfect,
it makes you feel like a slug.

00:12:39.018 --> 00:12:42.068
Just a disgusting, worthless slime
everytime-

00:12:42.068 --> 00:12:43.618
And that's him, okay?

00:12:43.618 --> 00:12:45.901
He can dance, he can act.
He has jawbones

00:12:45.901 --> 00:12:49.135
that could cut the universe in half
and destroy instantly any moment.

00:12:49.135 --> 00:12:50.425
What are we thinking?

00:12:50.425 --> 00:12:51.699
[audience yelling S]
S?

00:12:51.699 --> 00:12:53.302
Maybe- but, for me,
is that co-?

00:12:53.302 --> 00:12:55.057
No, I'm gonna give him.

00:12:55.057 --> 00:12:57.231
I- I'll give him an A.
That's good, it's good.

00:12:57.304 --> 00:12:59.094
The red M&M.

00:12:59.094 --> 00:13:00.885
[audience replying]

00:13:00.885 --> 00:13:02.053
You don't see it?

00:13:02.053 --> 00:13:04.174
You don't see- the green one?

00:13:04.174 --> 00:13:06.058
[audience talking]

00:13:06.058 --> 00:13:06.969
Wow, wow.

00:13:06.969 --> 00:13:10.747
So you're like "Dan, the red M&M? No, no.
The green one? Hell yeah!"

00:13:10.747 --> 00:13:12.135
[audience laughing]
Hell yeah.

00:13:12.135 --> 00:13:14.991
Do you not see there's a certain arrogance
that's kinda hot?

00:13:14.991 --> 00:13:19.382
You kinda- you just wanna be like
shouted at by the red M&M sometimes.

00:13:19.382 --> 00:13:20.218
Just me?

00:13:20.218 --> 00:13:23.445
Also, did they eat M&M's in
the adverts for M&M's?

00:13:23.445 --> 00:13:24.447
Are they cannibals?

00:13:24.447 --> 00:13:25.546
[audience says yes]

00:13:25.546 --> 00:13:27.685
I also feel like he probably voted
for Trump.

00:13:27.685 --> 00:13:29.298
I don't know, I gain that energy.

00:13:29.298 --> 00:13:30.769
Is- is this as bad as it gets?

00:13:30.769 --> 00:13:31.975
I'm feeling- okay, fine.

00:13:31.975 --> 00:13:37.964
We have our first F, people!
Get the fuck down there, red M&M!

00:13:38.438 --> 00:13:40.552
Okay, but no more weird ones, I promise.

00:13:40.552 --> 00:13:41.730
The AstraZeneca logo.

00:13:41.730 --> 00:13:44.486
[audience laughing]

00:13:44.486 --> 00:13:45.410
Just me?

00:13:45.410 --> 00:13:46.501
[audience says yes]

00:13:46.501 --> 00:13:51.650
Wow, do you not see the
inherent sexual energy of the AstraZeneca?

00:13:51.650 --> 00:13:55.409
That is clearly a man assuming
some kind of position.

00:13:56.881 --> 00:14:00.019
No? I was watching these new
and I was like

00:14:00.019 --> 00:14:02.095
"Damn, I need to go to the other room-"

00:14:02.095 --> 00:14:04.057
Well, you know.
This is about me, not you.

00:14:04.057 --> 00:14:05.892
I'm feeling very
homophobicly attacked.

00:14:05.892 --> 00:14:08.153
That is an A for me, I'm just gonna say.

00:14:08.153 --> 00:14:13.734
And now we have a category which is
about a philosophical question, which is

00:14:13.734 --> 00:14:18.552
if you had a clone of yourself
in front of you, would you fuck?

00:14:18.552 --> 00:14:19.715
[audience saying yes]

00:14:19.715 --> 00:14:22.853
[laughs] One no and all people like
"Yes, I've thought about this!"

00:14:22.853 --> 00:14:23.835
It's good.

00:14:23.835 --> 00:14:27.987
Uhm, so, I present a trio of people
that have regularly been compared to me:

00:14:27.987 --> 00:14:31.975
Anthony Padilla, Liam Payne
and Wilbur Soot.

00:14:33.264 --> 00:14:34.568
So, first up is Anthony.

00:14:34.568 --> 00:14:36.995
Not to be weird,
Anthony Padilla is sat right there.

00:14:37.085 --> 00:14:40.589
Uhm... Hi.
Anthony, this is not weird!

00:14:41.671 --> 00:14:44.452
This is not about you,
this is about me, okay?

00:14:44.452 --> 00:14:47.470
So this is- don't- this is not weird.
We're being objective.

00:14:47.470 --> 00:14:48.551
Let's think about it.

00:14:48.551 --> 00:14:49.632
[audience laughing]

00:14:49.632 --> 00:14:53.888
Right, talented. Succesfull.
Yeah, but like, Anthony,

00:14:53.888 --> 00:14:55.885
he does exercise.
What the fuck?

00:14:55.885 --> 00:14:57.581
[audience laughing]

00:14:57.581 --> 00:15:01.286
Also, we have the same hair and instead
of desperately trying to cover it up,

00:15:01.286 --> 00:15:04.712
he's embraced the curls and has
done something with it successfully?

00:15:04.712 --> 00:15:06.886
[audience cheering]

00:15:06.886 --> 00:15:11.281
So, Anthony is basically just
the genetically superior version of me.

00:15:11.281 --> 00:15:13.627
Uh, you know. What are we-
Are we compatible?

00:15:13.627 --> 00:15:15.591
What did we do the last time we hung out?

00:15:15.591 --> 00:15:17.781
We ate burritos and got high,
do you remember?

00:15:18.971 --> 00:15:21.169
- [Anthony] I actually forgot]
- It wasn't gay.

00:15:22.449 --> 00:15:25.453
Let's give Anthony an A.
Good for you, Anthony!

00:15:25.453 --> 00:15:28.568
[audience cheering]

00:15:28.568 --> 00:15:29.969
He did it! He did it.

00:15:29.969 --> 00:15:31.769
Sit down, sit down, thank you.

00:15:31.769 --> 00:15:34.574
A for ally.
No, uhm.

00:15:35.740 --> 00:15:37.535
Liam Payne, how do we feel?

00:15:37.535 --> 00:15:41.420
[audience yelling and booing]

00:15:41.420 --> 00:15:44.614
Y'all motherfuckers are trying
to drag me into some mess right now,

00:15:44.614 --> 00:15:46.753
you're trying to get me
killed in the streets?

00:15:46.753 --> 00:15:50.550
Okay, no! I'm just doing this
because people said we kinda look similar.

00:15:50.550 --> 00:15:52.902
Look, we all have bad weeks, okay?

00:15:52.902 --> 00:15:56.082
If he pushed me up against the wall
and said he'd break my hand,

00:15:56.082 --> 00:15:57.428
I'd be like "Okay Liam!"

00:15:57.428 --> 00:15:58.804
[audience laughing]

00:15:58.804 --> 00:16:01.903
"You can break my other hand and my leg
and I'm okay with that!"

00:16:01.903 --> 00:16:04.670
Bu- let's put him in D tier, moving on.

00:16:04.670 --> 00:16:07.491
Wilbur Soot, okay, yeah.

00:16:07.491 --> 00:16:10.388
Very popular right now,
got the whole Minecraft thing going.

00:16:10.388 --> 00:16:12.719
Also music, very talented.

00:16:12.719 --> 00:16:15.652
But, are we compatible?
I don't play Minecraft

00:16:15.652 --> 00:16:17.925
and that's like 90% of the iceberg,
isn't it?

00:16:19.102 --> 00:16:22.553
I don't wanna start drama with the
equally terrifying Minecraft-community

00:16:22.553 --> 00:16:25.436
I'll give him a B for block!
There we go, okay.

00:16:26.576 --> 00:16:28.720
And lastly,
I need you to support me on this

00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:30.118
'cause this is the end, okay?

00:16:30.118 --> 00:16:33.418
So no matter what I say,
you have to support me,

00:16:33.418 --> 00:16:36.503
because this is about me being
valid at the end of pride month.

00:16:36.503 --> 00:16:37.486
Okay, Mr. Pringle.

00:16:37.486 --> 00:16:39.119
[audience react]

00:16:39.119 --> 00:16:40.119
No! No, sh- okay!

00:16:40.119 --> 00:16:41.786
I have had it with you people!

00:16:41.786 --> 00:16:44.720
You do not get to sit there and judge me!

00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:46.221
This is a safe space for me.

00:16:46.221 --> 00:16:50.169
I would explore his tube and
there is nothing that you can do about it.

00:16:50.169 --> 00:16:51.987
[audience react shocked]

00:16:51.987 --> 00:16:53.968
Watch me fucking leave 'cause you're a b-

00:16:53.968 --> 00:16:56.640
His mustache would tickle you
in all the right places.

00:16:56.640 --> 00:16:58.252
[audience react shocked]

00:16:58.252 --> 00:17:01.637
And also, free Pringles,
it's a fucking S, I don't care!

00:17:01.637 --> 00:17:02.786
I don't care!

00:17:02.786 --> 00:17:04.221
That's the S.

00:17:04.221 --> 00:17:07.463
This is authentically me,
whether you like it or not.

00:17:07.463 --> 00:17:09.888
And I bet you regret coming here,
but it's too late.

00:17:09.888 --> 00:17:12.870
You have enabled me,
you have created a monster

00:17:12.870 --> 00:17:15.503
and now I am once more
released into the world.

00:17:15.503 --> 00:17:18.120
I am Dan and I am now free.

00:17:18.120 --> 00:17:19.770
This is your problem.
Okay, bye!

00:17:19.770 --> 00:17:27.438
[audience cheering]

00:17:27.438 --> 00:17:30.419
I apologise for nothing!

00:17:30.419 --> 00:17:53.181
[ominous music]