0:00:00.000,0:00:07.022
[audience talking]

0:00:07.022,0:00:09.453
[audience cheering]

0:00:09.453,0:00:13.061
I've got a lot of time to make up for[br]in my gay journey through life

0:00:13.061,0:00:16.203
because one of the things[br]that I feel honestly

0:00:16.203,0:00:17.860
I missed out on[br]when I was younger,

0:00:17.860,0:00:22.935
was just being able to share my feelings[br]about boys with the people in my life.

0:00:22.935,0:00:24.837
'Cause it was always the shameful secret

0:00:24.837,0:00:27.170
it was just bubbling on the inside,[br]all the angst.

0:00:27.170,0:00:30.778
So today, I thought[br]let's just make up for lost time.

0:00:30.778,0:00:37.369
I would like to lay out a timeline of[br]my complete emotional, romantic journey

0:00:37.369,0:00:41.729
in the ultimate Dan's Gay Crush Tier List!

0:00:41.729,0:00:45.098
[audience cheering] Oh yeah!

0:00:47.138,0:00:49.734
If you don't know how this works,[br]we've got A to F.

0:00:49.734,0:00:53.184
It's like school grades.[br]S is the top shelf, F is the bottom.

0:00:53.184,0:00:57.967
I'm gonna go from my first ever feelings[br]to my current degenerate fantasies

0:00:57.967,0:01:00.885
and you all get to judge my taste level.

0:01:00.885,0:01:02.852
But this isn't about what you think,

0:01:02.852,0:01:06.057
this is about how compatable[br]they would be with me

0:01:06.057,0:01:09.681
and whether "Oh, I thought I have a crush[br]on them. Is it a good idea? No."

0:01:09.681,0:01:11.002
So, are you ready?

0:01:11.002,0:01:12.419
[audience cheering] Okay.

0:01:12.419,0:01:16.430
First up: Aladdin.[br][audience cheering]

0:01:16.430,0:01:17.611
Okay, taste. Taste.

0:01:17.611,0:01:21.809
The whole thing with[br]all the Disney things is:

0:01:21.809,0:01:24.361
"Did I enjoy this as Disney intended,

0:01:24.361,0:01:27.694
putting myself in Aladdin's shoes[br]next to Jasmine?"

0:01:27.694,0:01:30.394
No, no. I wanted to be Jasmine[br]on the magic carpet

0:01:30.394,0:01:31.544
with Aladdin.

0:01:31.544,0:01:34.044
Obviously, there's pre- and[br]post-lamp Aladdin.

0:01:34.044,0:01:35.577
'Cause post-lamp S, easy.

0:01:35.577,0:01:37.860
But, hey! What are we working with?

0:01:37.860,0:01:39.895
We got fez.

0:01:39.895,0:01:40.878
Monkey.

0:01:40.878,0:01:44.095
He would steal bread for you.[br]That's someone you can count on.

0:01:44.095,0:01:45.510
What would you give Aladdin?

0:01:45.510,0:01:46.572
[audience saying S] S?

0:01:46.572,0:01:48.033
Okay, okay.

0:01:48.033,0:01:49.370
We need to leave room for S.

0:01:49.370,0:01:51.577
Strong A for Aladdin, good start! Okay!

0:01:51.577,0:01:52.760
Next up, Tigger.

0:01:52.760,0:01:54.960
[audience laughing]

0:01:54.960,0:01:56.794
Wow! What- no!

0:01:56.794,0:01:58.078
No, no, no, no!

0:01:58.078,0:01:59.029
Oi, shut up!

0:01:59.029,0:02:01.793
There's- romantic.[br]This is just about young feelings-

0:02:01.793,0:02:04.777
I watched a lot of[br]Winnie-the-Pooh as a kid and

0:02:04.777,0:02:06.952
the Hundred Acre Wood is a scary place.

0:02:06.952,0:02:08.959
They got Heffalumps, Woozles, you know.

0:02:08.959,0:02:11.583
Some- rabbits.

0:02:12.405,0:02:16.163
And maybe it was my furry-awakening, we'll[br]never know. But let's think about it.

0:02:16.163,0:02:18.795
He's kind, he's positive, bouncy.[br]He's got a hard tail.

0:02:18.795,0:02:20.778
That's always quite enjoyable.

0:02:20.778,0:02:22.082
[audience murmuring]

0:02:22.082,0:02:24.078
Oi, I don't know what you're saying there.

0:02:24.078,0:02:25.476
What would you give Tigger?

0:02:25.476,0:02:26.745
[audience yelling letters]

0:02:26.745,0:02:28.259
C? Wow!

0:02:29.221,0:02:30.095
Kick him out!

0:02:30.095,0:02:32.240
No, that's fine.[br]I'll give him a B for bouncy.

0:02:32.240,0:02:35.962
Okay, next: Crash Bandicoot.[br][audience yelling and laughing]

0:02:35.962,0:02:37.645
Wow! Uhm,

0:02:37.645,0:02:41.687
I thought this was a place of[br]acceptance? Hello?

0:02:41.687,0:02:45.915
Guys, he- it's anthro. Anthropomorphic.

0:02:45.915,0:02:48.926
He's wearing trousers.[br]He's not an animal, okay?

0:02:48.926,0:02:50.579
Okay, well no.

0:02:50.579,0:02:53.624
He is literally just a bandicoot,[br]isn't he? There's no other way.

0:02:53.624,0:02:55.576
Okay. [laughs][br]But he's wearing shoes.

0:02:55.576,0:02:58.012
Dogs can't wear shoes.[br][audience laughs]

0:02:58.012,0:03:00.261
No wait. Dogs can wear shoes and trousers.

0:03:00.261,0:03:01.162
Okay, no.

0:03:01.162,0:03:02.546
Bipedal, that's it!

0:03:02.546,0:03:06.361
If it stands on two legs, you can fuck it.[br]That's the rule. That's how it works.

0:03:06.361,0:03:09.401
No, that's how it works![br][laughs]

0:03:09.401,0:03:13.062
Dan Howell 2022: "You can fuck penguins".[br]That's what I'm saying.

0:03:13.062,0:03:15.511
[audience laughs][br]Let's give him a B for bandicoot.

0:03:15.511,0:03:19.094
Okay, yes. My knight in shining armour.

0:03:19.094,0:03:22.602
When I was younger, I went to one of those[br]Renaissance fair-things.

0:03:22.602,0:03:24.333
Where they do[br]medieval re-enactment,

0:03:24.333,0:03:26.437
and they had a jousting display.

0:03:26.437,0:03:29.795
And I was there, I was like 11,[br]stood at the end of the field.

0:03:29.795,0:03:32.395
This guy finished an epic joust, you know.

0:03:32.395,0:03:38.079
He pulled off his helmet and[br]it was a teen boy with long, blond hair,

0:03:38.079,0:03:40.318
and he rode past me[br]with the helmet in his arm

0:03:40.318,0:03:43.037
and just looked at me with[br]his hair blowing in the wind.

0:03:43.037,0:03:46.007
And that is what turned me gay.[br]That moment.

0:03:46.007,0:03:51.659
Honestly, I was so spellbound that I[br]thought about him for months, for years.

0:03:51.659,0:03:55.601
But! How do we feel about the[br]'Knight in shining armour' trope?

0:03:55.601,0:03:57.995
Are we kinda over that? As a society?

0:03:57.995,0:03:59.829
We don't need them to save us!

0:03:59.829,0:04:02.796
Also, athletic.[br]No, definitely C. It's a C.

0:04:02.796,0:04:04.795
Next: Bradley from S Club.

0:04:04.795,0:04:06.812
[audience cheering][br]Yeah.

0:04:06.812,0:04:10.402
If any Americans are watching this:[br]goated pop group, okay?

0:04:10.402,0:04:11.395
You had to be there.

0:04:11.395,0:04:13.798
Bradley, he can swing, apparently.

0:04:13.798,0:04:16.411
He can sing, breakdance. Act!

0:04:16.411,0:04:18.045
Quadri-dri-dripple threat.

0:04:18.045,0:04:20.092
What would you give Bradley from S Club?

0:04:20.092,0:04:21.156
[audience yelling S]

0:04:21.156,0:04:22.788
S? You g- You with the S? S! S!

0:04:22.788,0:04:24.843
Simp! That's S for simp! For all of you-

0:04:24.843,0:04:28.146
No, I mean, he's way too cool.[br]I'm a disgusting nerd.

0:04:28.146,0:04:31.561
It's not about him, it's about me,[br]and for me, it's a B.

0:04:31.561,0:04:33.928
[loud response from the audience][br]Snape.

0:04:33.928,0:04:40.247
Haha. Mixed- A lot of people are like[br]"Heh" and a lot of people are like "Yeah!"

0:04:41.111,0:04:43.063
Not professor Snape.

0:04:43.063,0:04:46.765
Young, angsty Snape[br]from the Half-Blood Prince, okay?

0:04:46.765,0:04:49.961
You get me? Because when I read that,[br]I was angsty as fuck, okay?

0:04:49.961,0:04:51.066
You don't understand.

0:04:51.066,0:04:56.279
I was just thinking: "What if[br]I was at school with young Snape?"

0:04:56.279,0:05:00.430
This wasn't one of those situations where[br]I was like "He's so dark, I can save him."

0:05:00.430,0:05:03.480
No. If I was with him,[br]it would be toxic as fuck.

0:05:03.480,0:05:04.531
[audience laughing]

0:05:04.531,0:05:06.941
It would be a dark-[br]we would spiral dramatically,

0:05:06.941,0:05:09.666
I would become a Death Eater,[br]unironically.

0:05:09.666,0:05:11.412
It would be a complete disaster.

0:05:11.412,0:05:14.046
So I know you all like it,[br]but no, this is for me,

0:05:14.046,0:05:15.430
and it is a D.

0:05:15.430,0:05:19.513
Next, we have Ewan McGregor and[br]Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge.

0:05:19.513,0:05:23.296
Now, some boys said[br]"My favourite movie is Jurassic Park."

0:05:23.296,0:05:25.413
I was like "I like Moulin Rouge!"[br]Gay.

0:05:25.413,0:05:26.495
Gay!

0:05:26.495,0:05:27.746
Gay!!

0:05:27.746,0:05:29.529
Shoulda saw that coming, shouldn't I?

0:05:29.529,0:05:32.151
But this isn't Ewan McGregor[br]and Nicole Kidman,

0:05:32.151,0:05:34.979
'cause I know some lesbians here[br]will be like "Nicole!"

0:05:36.258,0:05:38.111
No, it's Satine and Christian.

0:05:38.111,0:05:42.763
Right, this guys, he was a mess! Okay.[br]No career prospects, he was useless.

0:05:42.763,0:05:45.246
Honestly, I'm gonna give him[br]a C for Christian.

0:05:45.246,0:05:48.629
And Satine, she had creepy[br]British men trying to kill her.

0:05:48.629,0:05:51.659
That would not be fun![br]I'll give her a C for consumption.

0:05:51.659,0:05:55.046
Okay, next, we have Tidus![br][audience cheering]

0:05:55.046,0:05:56.447
Yeah? You know him?

0:05:56.447,0:05:59.397
He's the protagonist from[br]a game called Final Fantasy X.

0:05:59.397,0:06:03.333
He is a sportstar from another dimension

0:06:03.333,0:06:05.749
that was made to save the world.[br]Cringe, I know.

0:06:05.749,0:06:11.263
But, underwater football player and me?[br]I thought he was hot, but let's be honest:

0:06:11.263,0:06:12.996
he would bully me. He would.

0:06:12.996,0:06:16.204
If we went to school together,[br]he would be like "What is that?"

0:06:16.616,0:06:20.564
He would spit on me, I would cry[br]and I would still love him.

0:06:20.564,0:06:22.674
But, no, I don't think that's happening.

0:06:22.674,0:06:24.844
I'll give him a B for blitzball. And!

0:06:24.844,0:06:27.267
Wait, there was someone else in this game.

0:06:27.267,0:06:30.891
There was a character called Lulu who,[br]as you can see,

0:06:30.891,0:06:35.548
was literally the dream[br]big titty, goth girlfriend, okay?

0:06:35.548,0:06:38.496
And she was- she's called The Strap.

0:06:38.496,0:06:41.597
Like, you don't-[br]you can see about 15 of them in her dress.

0:06:41.597,0:06:46.612
I am confused by her to this day.

0:06:46.612,0:06:51.345
She could throw a fireball at me and[br]I would be like "Thank you. Do it again."

0:06:51.345,0:06:55.863
That is a strong S![br][audience cheering]

0:06:55.863,0:06:59.175
Not just pandering to the lesbians,[br]that is actually S.

0:06:59.175,0:07:01.799
But that wasn't it.[br]There was someone else in this game.

0:07:01.799,0:07:04.845
There was like a bodyguard for a summoner,[br]he was called Kimahri.

0:07:04.845,0:07:06.718
[audience laughing][br]And- wait, wait!

0:07:06.718,0:07:08.476
Wait, I will bring you around, okay?

0:07:08.476,0:07:12.520
Because look at how guys was[br]introduced in the game.

0:07:12.520,0:07:17.404
[Kimahri growling]

0:07:17.404,0:07:19.158
[audience laughing]

0:07:19.158,0:07:28.729
[Kimahri growling]

0:07:28.729,0:07:29.720
Fuck yeah!

0:07:29.720,0:07:32.097
[audience laughing]

0:07:32.097,0:07:34.808
God, I'm so fucking hard right now.[br]That's amazing.

0:07:36.208,0:07:38.680
So I'll give him an A for furry-awakening!

0:07:38.680,0:07:39.952
Next, Troy Bolton-

0:07:39.952,0:07:42.648
[audience cheering]

0:07:42.648,0:07:46.731
Specifically, High School Musical 2.[br]They say-

0:07:46.731,0:07:47.805
[audience cheering]

0:07:47.805,0:07:50.571
You can't generalize-[br]there is no such thing as a gay test.

0:07:50.571,0:07:52.296
There is such thing as the gay test.

0:07:52.296,0:07:54.959
The test is, you ask someone what[br]their favourite HSM is.

0:07:54.959,0:07:57.897
If they say 1, straight.[br]If they say 2, gay. That's it.

0:07:57.897,0:08:02.714
Who's the best character? Gabriella?[br]No. Sharpay? Yes.

0:08:02.714,0:08:04.265
Also, correct.

0:08:04.995,0:08:07.981
But, mhm... Think about it. For me.

0:08:07.981,0:08:09.911
Again, would he really be my friend?

0:08:09.911,0:08:13.242
He wouldn't talk to me. I would just be[br]crying in the corner somewhere.

0:08:13.242,0:08:17.552
He plays golf, he wears polo-shirts.[br]We have nothing in common.

0:08:17.552,0:08:19.400
I- I'm just gonna give him a D-tier.

0:08:19.400,0:08:24.087
This isn't about him! It's about me.[br]D for 'Dan is depressed'. Next one.

0:08:24.497,0:08:28.007
The first boy that I ever had a crush on.

0:08:28.007,0:08:32.731
This was in my school. I was like 13, and[br]we were friends until one day I was like

0:08:32.731,0:08:35.614
"I want more from this."

0:08:35.614,0:08:36.495
He broke my heart.

0:08:36.495,0:08:38.315
I thought I was actually in love.

0:08:38.315,0:08:41.403
I thought I was in- I was in-[br]he was just the first person I knew,

0:08:41.403,0:08:43.650
and therefore I was like[br]"This must be love!"

0:08:44.290,0:08:45.981
If you don't know the story,

0:08:45.981,0:08:49.647
basically, he ghosted me for 3 years[br]and then later

0:08:49.647,0:08:53.265
I found out that he was actually gay[br]the whole time, but told everyone I knew

0:08:53.265,0:08:55.714
not to tell me, because I was cringe.

0:08:55.714,0:09:01.148
[audience laughs and reacts shocked]

0:09:01.148,0:09:02.231
True story.

0:09:02.231,0:09:04.049
People are saying F? Okay, wow.

0:09:04.049,0:09:06.401
Dan Howell Defence Forces.[br][audience yells F]

0:09:06.401,0:09:08.389
Wow, wow, wow.[br]Wait, wait, wait.

0:09:08.389,0:09:10.996
We need to save F for[br]something truly degenerate,

0:09:10.996,0:09:13.631
you don't know how low this could go.[br]I'll put him in D.

0:09:13.631,0:09:15.980
I don't hate him, it's my fault.

0:09:15.980,0:09:19.112
Next, we have Keanu Reeves, okay.[br][audience cheering]

0:09:19.112,0:09:22.265
Now this might be an overrated opinion,[br]but think about it.

0:09:22.265,0:09:25.149
He gave us Speed, he gave us Neo,[br]he was in Bill & Ted.

0:09:25.149,0:09:26.914
And he is nice, apparently.

0:09:26.914,0:09:28.306
What are we gonna give Keanu?

0:09:28.306,0:09:30.073
[audience yelling S]

0:09:30.073,0:09:34.292
You know what? Fuck yeah,[br]straight to S with Keanu Reeves.

0:09:34.292,0:09:37.949
And I will attempt to kick you in[br]the chin if you have a problem with that.

0:09:37.949,0:09:38.770
Gerard Way.

0:09:38.770,0:09:42.746
[audience cheering]

0:09:42.746,0:09:46.547
You have no idea[br]how fucking emo I was, okay?

0:09:46.547,0:09:50.508
Someone said S+,[br]we need a new tier for Gerard Way.

0:09:50.508,0:09:54.982
I was a mess when I was 14 and this guy,[br]he came out-

0:09:54.982,0:09:58.851
I was sat there with socks on my arm,[br]I was singing "I'm not okay"

0:09:58.851,0:10:03.065
into my fat CRT-monitor looking[br]on MySpace, his music saved my life.

0:10:03.065,0:10:04.883
He occasionally kissed boys.

0:10:04.883,0:10:07.787
And, he was a vision, but-[br]before you get too excited,

0:10:07.787,0:10:10.305
he's kinda short,[br]so I'll put him on the second shelf.

0:10:10.305,0:10:12.288
I'll give him an A![br]I'll give him an A.

0:10:12.288,0:10:15.197
He can't reach S, he can't reach S,[br]it's fine.

0:10:15.197,0:10:16.881
charlieissocoollike.

0:10:16.881,0:10:19.082
[audience cheering]

0:10:19.082,0:10:22.462
If you don't know,[br]the OG British YouTuber.

0:10:22.462,0:10:25.369
I've been in love with him[br]for about 15 years.

0:10:26.243,0:10:27.638
He knows this.

0:10:27.638,0:10:28.748
[audience laughing]

0:10:28.748,0:10:30.888
Very clear- there is an[br]open invitation there.

0:10:30.888,0:10:34.098
If he wants to just get married[br]and just go off somewhere in Canada.

0:10:34.098,0:10:35.849
Hi, I'll get on a flight anytime.

0:10:35.849,0:10:36.815
But!

0:10:36.815,0:10:38.199
Think about it.

0:10:38.199,0:10:41.749
This is the guy that made[br]the video "I'm Scared",

0:10:41.749,0:10:45.099
that made me such a neurotic fuck[br]on YouTube, okay?

0:10:45.099,0:10:49.548
He is so reclusive that[br]if me and him got together,

0:10:49.548,0:10:51.231
we'd fucking fade out of existence.

0:10:51.231,0:10:52.549
[audience laughing]

0:10:52.549,0:10:55.766
We'd kiss and then just go "Buuuh"

0:10:55.766,0:10:58.532
We'd get Thanos-ed instantly.[br]So nothing personal,

0:10:58.532,0:11:01.833
it's a C because some people are[br]just not meant to be, okay?

0:11:01.833,0:11:03.025
Evan Peters.

0:11:03.025,0:11:04.902
[audience cheering]

0:11:04.902,0:11:07.429
We could just do as a person,[br]but this is a gay thing,

0:11:07.429,0:11:09.447
so we're gonna do every[br]character from AHS.

0:11:09.447,0:11:12.317
Okay. I know you had your[br]Hot Topic moment, but F.

0:11:12.317,0:11:14.467
Okay, Asylum B for buts.

0:11:14.467,0:11:15.767
Coven C for corpse.

0:11:15.767,0:11:18.217
Freak Show, if you know,[br]you know, A.

0:11:18.217,0:11:20.717
Hotel? Nah, that's gonna be a D.

0:11:20.717,0:11:22.118
Roanoke? C.

0:11:22.118,0:11:24.001
And then that- F+.

0:11:24.001,0:11:26.806
Right, but Evan himself,[br]what are we thinking?

0:11:26.806,0:11:29.135
[audience yelling S]

0:11:29.135,0:11:32.117
Beautiful eruptions of parseltongue[br]from the audience tonight.

0:11:32.117,0:11:35.927
J. K. Rowling would be so offended to see[br]what her fans have done with the place.

0:11:35.927,0:11:36.801
It's an S.

0:11:36.801,0:11:38.551
Okay, see. This is going well.

0:11:38.551,0:11:40.876
I thought I lost you[br]with the weird ones there,

0:11:40.876,0:11:42.818
but we brought it back.[br]Zabivaka.

0:11:42.818,0:11:45.849
[audience laughing]

0:11:49.335,0:11:52.017
If you don't know,[br]this was Russia's attempt

0:11:52.017,0:11:57.251
at making a non-gay mascot for[br]their FIFA World Cup in 2018.

0:11:57.251,0:12:00.101
And the moment they released this[br]heterosexual mascot,

0:12:00.101,0:12:02.428
you know what[br]the artists did on the internet?

0:12:02.428,0:12:04.174
[audience laughing]

0:12:04.174,0:12:06.588
Oh yeah, they did. [laughs]

0:12:06.588,0:12:10.549
Okay, the-[br]there is a lot going on with that.

0:12:10.549,0:12:13.459
We do not have time to unpack this.

0:12:14.200,0:12:17.491
And clearly he's packing something[br]else on that one on the left there.

0:12:17.551,0:12:19.951
uwu, what's this? I've noticed something.

0:12:20.998,0:12:24.741
But, as amazingly erotic as he is,[br]he's a football mascot.

0:12:24.741,0:12:27.118
I'll give him a B for balls.[br]It's only fair enough.

0:12:27.118,0:12:29.947
Right, Manny Jacinto.[br]Do you know who he is?

0:12:29.947,0:12:31.218
Yeah, from The Good Place.

0:12:31.218,0:12:34.617
There are some people in life[br]that are just disgusting,

0:12:34.617,0:12:39.018
because they are so perfect,[br]it makes you feel like a slug.

0:12:39.018,0:12:42.068
Just a disgusting, worthless slime[br]everytime-

0:12:42.068,0:12:43.618
And that's him, okay?

0:12:43.618,0:12:45.901
He can dance, he can act.[br]He has jawbones

0:12:45.901,0:12:49.135
that could cut the universe in half[br]and destroy instantly any moment.

0:12:49.135,0:12:50.425
What are we thinking?

0:12:50.425,0:12:51.699
[audience yelling S][br]S?

0:12:51.699,0:12:53.302
Maybe- but, for me,[br]is that co-?

0:12:53.302,0:12:55.057
No, I'm gonna give him.

0:12:55.057,0:12:57.231
I- I'll give him an A.[br]That's good, it's good.

0:12:57.304,0:12:59.094
The red M&M.

0:12:59.094,0:13:00.885
[audience replying]

0:13:00.885,0:13:02.053
You don't see it?

0:13:02.053,0:13:04.174
You don't see- the green one?

0:13:04.174,0:13:06.058
[audience talking]

0:13:06.058,0:13:06.969
Wow, wow.

0:13:06.969,0:13:10.747
So you're like "Dan, the red M&M? No, no.[br]The green one? Hell yeah!"

0:13:10.747,0:13:12.135
[audience laughing][br]Hell yeah.

0:13:12.135,0:13:14.991
Do you not see there's a certain arrogance[br]that's kinda hot?

0:13:14.991,0:13:19.382
You kinda- you just wanna be like[br]shouted at by the red M&M sometimes.

0:13:19.382,0:13:20.218
Just me?

0:13:20.218,0:13:23.445
Also, did they eat M&M's in[br]the adverts for M&M's?

0:13:23.445,0:13:24.447
Are they cannibals?

0:13:24.447,0:13:25.546
[audience says yes]

0:13:25.546,0:13:27.685
I also feel like he probably voted[br]for Trump.

0:13:27.685,0:13:29.298
I don't know, I gain that energy.

0:13:29.298,0:13:30.769
Is- is this as bad as it gets?

0:13:30.769,0:13:31.975
I'm feeling- okay, fine.

0:13:31.975,0:13:37.964
We have our first F, people![br]Get the fuck down there, red M&M!

0:13:38.438,0:13:40.552
Okay, but no more weird ones, I promise.

0:13:40.552,0:13:41.730
The AstraZeneca logo.

0:13:41.730,0:13:44.486
[audience laughing]

0:13:44.486,0:13:45.410
Just me?

0:13:45.410,0:13:46.501
[audience says yes]

0:13:46.501,0:13:51.650
Wow, do you not see the[br]inherent sexual energy of the AstraZeneca?

0:13:51.650,0:13:55.409
That is clearly a man assuming[br]some kind of position.

0:13:56.881,0:14:00.019
No? I was watching these new[br]and I was like

0:14:00.019,0:14:02.095
"Damn, I need to go to the other room-"

0:14:02.095,0:14:04.057
Well, you know.[br]This is about me, not you.

0:14:04.057,0:14:05.892
I'm feeling very[br]homophobicly attacked.

0:14:05.892,0:14:08.153
That is an A for me, I'm just gonna say.

0:14:08.153,0:14:13.734
And now we have a category which is[br]about a philosophical question, which is

0:14:13.734,0:14:18.552
if you had a clone of yourself[br]in front of you, would you fuck?

0:14:18.552,0:14:19.715
[audience saying yes]

0:14:19.715,0:14:22.853
[laughs] One no and all people like[br]"Yes, I've thought about this!"

0:14:22.853,0:14:23.835
It's good.

0:14:23.835,0:14:27.987
Uhm, so, I present a trio of people[br]that have regularly been compared to me:

0:14:27.987,0:14:31.975
Anthony Padilla, Liam Payne[br]and Wilbur Soot.

0:14:33.264,0:14:34.568
So, first up is Anthony.

0:14:34.568,0:14:36.995
Not to be weird,[br]Anthony Padilla is sat right there.

0:14:37.085,0:14:40.589
Uhm... Hi.[br]Anthony, this is not weird!

0:14:41.671,0:14:44.452
This is not about you,[br]this is about me, okay?

0:14:44.452,0:14:47.470
So this is- don't- this is not weird.[br]We're being objective.

0:14:47.470,0:14:48.551
Let's think about it.

0:14:48.551,0:14:49.632
[audience laughing]

0:14:49.632,0:14:53.888
Right, talented. Succesfull.[br]Yeah, but like, Anthony,

0:14:53.888,0:14:55.885
he does exercise.[br]What the fuck?

0:14:55.885,0:14:57.581
[audience laughing]

0:14:57.581,0:15:01.286
Also, we have the same hair and instead[br]of desperately trying to cover it up,

0:15:01.286,0:15:04.712
he's embraced the curls and has[br]done something with it successfully?

0:15:04.712,0:15:06.886
[audience cheering]

0:15:06.886,0:15:11.281
So, Anthony is basically just[br]the genetically superior version of me.

0:15:11.281,0:15:13.627
Uh, you know. What are we-[br]Are we compatible?

0:15:13.627,0:15:15.591
What did we do the last time we hung out?

0:15:15.591,0:15:17.781
We ate burritos and got high,[br]do you remember?

0:15:18.971,0:15:21.169
- [Anthony] I actually forgot][br]- It wasn't gay.

0:15:22.449,0:15:25.453
Let's give Anthony an A.[br]Good for you, Anthony!

0:15:25.453,0:15:28.568
[audience cheering]

0:15:28.568,0:15:29.969
He did it! He did it.

0:15:29.969,0:15:31.769
Sit down, sit down, thank you.

0:15:31.769,0:15:34.574
A for ally.[br]No, uhm.

0:15:35.740,0:15:37.535
Liam Payne, how do we feel?

0:15:37.535,0:15:41.420
[audience yelling and booing]

0:15:41.420,0:15:44.614
Y'all motherfuckers are trying[br]to drag me into some mess right now,

0:15:44.614,0:15:46.753
you're trying to get me[br]killed in the streets?

0:15:46.753,0:15:50.550
Okay, no! I'm just doing this[br]because people said we kinda look similar.

0:15:50.550,0:15:52.902
Look, we all have bad weeks, okay?

0:15:52.902,0:15:56.082
If he pushed me up against the wall[br]and said he'd break my hand,

0:15:56.082,0:15:57.428
I'd be like "Okay Liam!"

0:15:57.428,0:15:58.804
[audience laughing]

0:15:58.804,0:16:01.903
"You can break my other hand and my leg[br]and I'm okay with that!"

0:16:01.903,0:16:04.670
Bu- let's put him in D tier, moving on.

0:16:04.670,0:16:07.491
Wilbur Soot, okay, yeah.

0:16:07.491,0:16:10.388
Very popular right now,[br]got the whole Minecraft thing going.

0:16:10.388,0:16:12.719
Also music, very talented.

0:16:12.719,0:16:15.652
But, are we compatible?[br]I don't play Minecraft

0:16:15.652,0:16:17.925
and that's like 90% of the iceberg,[br]isn't it?

0:16:19.102,0:16:22.553
I don't wanna start drama with the[br]equally terrifying Minecraft-community

0:16:22.553,0:16:25.436
I'll give him a B for block![br]There we go, okay.

0:16:26.576,0:16:28.720
And lastly,[br]I need you to support me on this

0:16:28.720,0:16:30.118
'cause this is the end, okay?

0:16:30.118,0:16:33.418
So no matter what I say,[br]you have to support me,

0:16:33.418,0:16:36.503
because this is about me being[br]valid at the end of pride month.

0:16:36.503,0:16:37.486
Okay, Mr. Pringle.

0:16:37.486,0:16:39.119
[audience react]

0:16:39.119,0:16:40.119
No! No, sh- okay!

0:16:40.119,0:16:41.786
I have had it with you people!

0:16:41.786,0:16:44.720
You do not get to sit there and judge me!

0:16:44.720,0:16:46.221
This is a safe space for me.

0:16:46.221,0:16:50.169
I would explore his tube and[br]there is nothing that you can do about it.

0:16:50.169,0:16:51.987
[audience react shocked]

0:16:51.987,0:16:53.968
Watch me fucking leave 'cause you're a b-

0:16:53.968,0:16:56.640
His mustache would tickle you[br]in all the right places.

0:16:56.640,0:16:58.252
[audience react shocked]

0:16:58.252,0:17:01.637
And also, free Pringles,[br]it's a fucking S, I don't care!

0:17:01.637,0:17:02.786
I don't care!

0:17:02.786,0:17:04.221
That's the S.

0:17:04.221,0:17:07.463
This is authentically me,[br]whether you like it or not.

0:17:07.463,0:17:09.888
And I bet you regret coming here,[br]but it's too late.

0:17:09.888,0:17:12.870
You have enabled me,[br]you have created a monster

0:17:12.870,0:17:15.503
and now I am once more[br]released into the world.

0:17:15.503,0:17:18.120
I am Dan and I am now free.

0:17:18.120,0:17:19.770
This is your problem.[br]Okay, bye!

0:17:19.770,0:17:27.438
[audience cheering]

0:17:27.438,0:17:30.419
I apologise for nothing!

0:17:30.419,0:17:53.181
[ominous music]