Make Sex, not Love? About the autonomy of our instincts!

Heike Melzer is a specialist in neurology, a medical psychotherapist and a lecturer at the Milton-Erickson Society for Hypnosis. She has a private practice for couple and sexual therapy in the heart of Munich. For more than 25 years she has accompanied clients and companies through the serpentines of life.

A cosy television evening for two
on the couch comes to an end.

The movie wasn't really a highlight.

The woman says good night
and goes to bed:

"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.

You don't have to count on me."

He takes the chance, says good night,
and enters the study:

"Darling, it doesn't matter,
I still have a little work to do anyway."

As soon as they're both undisturbed,
they dedicate themselves

to the actual highlight of the evening.

He checks a pair of business e-mails

and then switches relatively quickly
to his favorite --

exactly -- porn and sex pages.

What he doesn't know is that
at the same time

she spoils herself
with the sex toy of her choice,

and within minutes she is
orgasmically melting away.

Both sleep deeply relaxed
side by side before midnight.

If you think this ritual
is rare in our country,

then I'm afraid
I have to disappoint you --

that is everyday life in many places.

And who doesn't know that?

There is a partner you love

and still find somewhat attractive,

and then there is everyday life
laying itself over the lust.

And then there are so many possibilities
to have a good time as an alternative.

It's just a little embarrassing
to talk about it,

and you don't want to offend
or irritate your partner persistently.

One thing is certain:

the number of orgasms without a partner,

at least without a binding partner,

did increase massively
in the last few years.

Listlessness is one of the main topics

in my practice
for couple and sexual therapy.

But are we really
so "overworked" and "underfucked",

as we always pretend?

Or are we not perhaps
a little "oversexed"

and thus maybe "underworked"?

If we take a closer look
at this listlessness,

it's easy to tell

it's no general listlessness,

but a partner-related one.

And that is, among other things,
the so-called Coolidge effect.

Here is a little story:

Calvin Coolidge was an American president,
who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm

with his wife Grace.

After a separate guided tour,

his wife came in excited and said:

"Calvin, imagine,
the cock does it 12 times a day."

He answered: "Grace, my darling,
but not always with the same hen."

Sexual weariness,
decreasing sexual functions,

this effect unfortunately occurs
not only for animals

with the same partner all the time,
but also with us humans.

And that's a kind of dilemma:

love needs closeness,
but eroticism needs distance.

We long for commitment,
for being well cared for, for closeness.

And then we long to see something new,

adventure and excitement.

How can that be even compatible?

Everyday life is not a good canvas
for our sexual fantasies.

We're doing a little experiment now.

Please close your eyes for a moment

and think of the most beautiful
triviality of the world, sex.

That's it.

And for once, be curious.

What kind of pictures will come
before your inner eye

and what kind of feelings?

And what will these pictures
and feelings do to you?

Thank you very much.

I'm going to assume that very few people

were thinking of the act of procreation,

the conception of a child.

Well, I'm assuming that now...

Maybe a few more
were thinking about making love,

like sex in a partnership.

Most of them, however,

were thinking about the impulsive side
of sexuality,

going along with adventure,
passion, excitement,

and this unbelievable
good feeling in the stomach.

Reproduction, love and instincts
are the three dimensions of sex.

In the sexual revolution,

the reproduction was
decoupled from sexuality

because of the introduction of the pill
and impunity for abortion.

Sex could be enjoyed freely,
childbearing could be planned,,

and the slogan at the time was:
"Make love, not war."

What's happening today is an essentially
more explosive social development.

Today the instincts
are separated from love

by means of an enormous suction
to the outside.

Today we have porn running 24 hours a day

with the most adventurous genres,

in 3D worlds,

now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds

with a fitting full body suit.

We have sex toys,
getting more and more interactive.

We can sit in Timbuktu today and
have sex with someone at the North Pole.

In addition, there are millions of people

using these numerous apps and hubs

for non-binding and purchasable
sexual offers.

Many of them within
binding partnerships, by the way,

and everything initiable from
the comfort zone of your home.

It's the agony of choice these days.

Sex traffic moved

into the high-speed data highways
of the internet

and provides for an even calmer traffic

within the partnership.

If we look at the slogan
"Make love, not war",

hasn't it eventually changed into
"Make sex, not love"?

And what about love?

Pretty lonely.

Does love stand any chance at all
in these turbulent times?

We all make use of this freedom
and experiment with it.

And this freedom affects us all,
sooner or later, directly or indirectly,

in our partnership, in our family,

or in our circle of friends.

And this freedom changes gradually

our sexual fantasies, our scripts,

what we want,

and what we are still able to do.

The bar is very high.

I've been working as a neurologist
and a psychotherapist for 25 years

and of course I do see more often
the other side of the coin.

And in the last 10 years
I've been observing significant changes

in the topics that my clients
bring to my practice.

There are four main topics.

First, old sexual dysfunctions
in a new guise.

Young men come to me
with potency disorders

and Viagra in the pocket.

It works great with porn,
but with their partner, nothing at all.

Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition
is paradoxically on the rise.

And the men emancipate
themselves in listlessness,

but you know it already:
not a general listlessness,

only a partner-related one.

Secondly, there are quantitative changes.

The gap continues to grow
between those untouched,

with an outstanding
self-supply via the Internet

and who already know
everything in theory,

but have no practical experience at all,

and those who are tindering
from bed to bed,

restlessly and unceasingly.

The WHO has classified
compulsive sexual disorder

as a mental illness by now.

In Germany alone,
according to conservative estimates,

we have half a million
porn and sex addicts.

In addition to that,
approximately the same number

of indirectly affected
partners and children.

This is a serious development.

Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.

What used to be hardcore,
is vanilla sex today.

Special exceptional practices,

like voyeurism, exhibitionism,
fetishism and BDSM

are now cultural assets,

part of the mainstream,
nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

And the topics couples come up with
are very much about the smartphone,

and the notion of loyalty
seem more blurred than ever.

We can have sex with others today
and still be faithful.

We just need to agree to that in advance.

But we can also
lie beside our partner in bed

and cheat on him online.

And I can see that
the concept of loyalty shifts

from "I'm faithful to you"
to "I'm true to myself".

Problems are inevitable.

And now the question of all questions:

how can we integrate this new freedom

into our lives and enjoy it,

so that both we and our partnership
remain healthy?

And what sets apart
sex gourmets from sexaholics,

who can't find the off switch?

A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm

aren't that different.

Nutrition and sexuality
have a lot of similarities.

And you probably know
a lot about nutrition,

you read about it and you can apply that.

And today I would like to add
a little something to this analogy,

which you can implement directly,
under the motto of "Act, Change, Now".

First, knowledge is the basis
for changing our behavior.

If we know what kind of food
will keep us healthy in the long term,

then we can resist the many temptations
of the food industry,

that make us sick and fat,
and rather say no.

That's the same
with the sexual superstimuli.

If I know and inform myself...

And we know a lot by now, there
are many research studies about it,

cool books and a lot of information
on the Internet.

Take a look and absorb that knowledge,

because this will be a key resource
to position yourself accordingly.

Many are wandering in this grey area

and I would wish for you all

that you won't only wake up
when you're already sick from it.

Second, stay receptive
for natural stimuli.

When you keep ingesting
chocolate, Coke, junk food,

someday apples and
vegetables won't taste good anymore.

It's the same with sexuality.

You will get blunt someday.

Ever heard of sex fasting,

the voluntary renunciation
on sexual super incentives,

at least for a trial for a while?

Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,

but more sensitive again
for natural stimuli.

It's not bad at all that
so much is available today,

pornography, sex toys,

but they're stimulants, like candy.

And we'll experience side effects,
if we consume too much of it.

Also for sexuality,
quality comes before quantity.

And today, maybe less is more.

So, next time when
you're going checks mails,

just skip the porn,
leave the sex toy in the drawer,

and at the next one-night stand
just ask:

will it take me any further personally?

And last but not least:
talk to each other,

start a dialogue,
a real qualitative dialogue

with your partner.

This is important and
it takes effort and courage.

Talk about your needs,
but also about your fears.

Partnerships need limits,

that's what makes them different
from what's out there.

And when you establish a bond,

you should stick to it.

And the "no" has
a very special meaning today.

Because what's a "yes"
actually worth without a "no"?

Love gives sexuality meaning and depth

and our relationship is quite crucial
for the quality of our life.

A gentle touch from a partner
that's really close to your heart

can be much more intimate
than the 3,286th canned orgasm.

With everything that's happening today,
with all the freedom we got:

think of love, too.

Thank you very much.

(applause)