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A cosy television evening for two
on the couch comes to an end.

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The movie wasn't really a highlight.

3
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The woman says good night
and goes to bed:

4
00:00:29,455 --> 00:00:32,645
"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.

5
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You don't have to count on me."

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He takes the chance, says good night,
and enters the study:

7
00:00:39,781 --> 00:00:43,377
"Darling, it doesn't matter,
I still have a little work to do anyway."

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As soon as they're both undisturbed,
they dedicate themselves

9
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to the actual highlight of the evening.

10
00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:53,796
He checks a pair of business e-mails

11
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and then switches relatively quickly
to his favorite --

12
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exactly -- porn and sex pages.

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What he doesn't know is that
at the same time

14
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she spoils herself
with the sex toy of her choice,

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and within minutes she is
orgasmically melting away.

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Both sleep deeply relaxed
side by side before midnight.

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If you think this ritual
is rare in our country,

18
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then I'm afraid
I have to disappoint you --

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that is everyday life in many places.

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And who doesn't know that?

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There is a partner you love

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and still find somewhat attractive,

23
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and then there is everyday life
laying itself over the lust.

24
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And then there are so many possibilities
to have a good time as an alternative.

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It's just a little embarrassing
to talk about it,

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and you don't want to offend
or irritate your partner persistently.

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One thing is certain:

28
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the number of orgasms without a partner,

29
00:02:04,075 --> 00:02:06,573
at least without a binding partner,

30
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did increase massively
in the last few years.

31
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Listlessness is one of the main topics

32
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in my practice
for couple and sexual therapy.

33
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But are we really
so "overworked" and "underfucked",

34
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as we always pretend?

35
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Or are we not perhaps
a little "oversexed"

36
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and thus maybe "underworked"?

37
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If we take a closer look
at this listlessness,

38
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it's easy to tell

39
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it's no general listlessness,

40
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but a partner-related one.

41
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And that is, among other things,
the so-called Coolidge effect.

42
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Here is a little story:

43
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Calvin Coolidge was an American president,
who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm

44
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with his wife Grace.

45
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After a separate guided tour,

46
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his wife came in excited and said:

47
00:03:03,261 --> 00:03:08,288
"Calvin, imagine,
the cock does it 12 times a day."

48
00:03:09,452 --> 00:03:14,842
He answered: "Grace, my darling,
but not always with the same hen."

49
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Sexual weariness,
decreasing sexual functions,

50
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this effect unfortunately occurs
not only for animals

51
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with the same partner all the time,
but also with us humans.

52
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And that's a kind of dilemma:

53
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love needs closeness,
but eroticism needs distance.

54
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We long for commitment,
for being well cared for, for closeness.

55
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And then we long to see something new,

56
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adventure and excitement.

57
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How can that be even compatible?

58
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Everyday life is not a good canvas
for our sexual fantasies.

59
00:04:03,683 --> 00:04:06,123
We're doing a little experiment now.

60
00:04:06,821 --> 00:04:10,061
Please close your eyes for a moment

61
00:04:11,345 --> 00:04:16,923
and think of the most beautiful
triviality of the world, sex.

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That's it.

63
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And for once, be curious.

64
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What kind of pictures will come
before your inner eye

65
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and what kind of feelings?

66
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:48,244
And what will these pictures
and feelings do to you?

67
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Thank you very much.

68
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I'm going to assume that very few people

69
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were thinking of the act of procreation,

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the conception of a child.

71
00:05:01,658 --> 00:05:04,684
Well, I'm assuming that now...

72
00:05:04,685 --> 00:05:07,305
Maybe a few more
were thinking about making love,

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like sex in a partnership.

74
00:05:11,504 --> 00:05:13,649
Most of them, however,

75
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were thinking about the impulsive side
of sexuality,

76
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going along with adventure,
passion, excitement,

77
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and this unbelievable
good feeling in the stomach.

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Reproduction, love and instincts
are the three dimensions of sex.

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In the sexual revolution,

80
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the reproduction was
decoupled from sexuality

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because of the introduction of the pill
and impunity for abortion.

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Sex could be enjoyed freely,
childbearing could be planned,,

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and the slogan at the time was:
"Make love, not war."

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What's happening today is an essentially
more explosive social development.

85
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Today the instincts
are separated from love

86
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by means of an enormous suction
to the outside.

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Today we have porn running 24 hours a day

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with the most adventurous genres,

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in 3D worlds,

90
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now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds

91
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with a fitting full body suit.

92
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We have sex toys,
getting more and more interactive.

93
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We can sit in Timbuktu today and
have sex with someone at the North Pole.

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In addition, there are millions of people

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using these numerous apps and hubs

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for non-binding and purchasable
sexual offers.

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Many of them within
binding partnerships, by the way,

98
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and everything initiable from
the comfort zone of your home.

99
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It's the agony of choice these days.

100
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Sex traffic moved

101
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into the high-speed data highways
of the internet

102
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and provides for an even calmer traffic

103
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within the partnership.

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If we look at the slogan
"Make love, not war",

105
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hasn't it eventually changed into
"Make sex, not love"?

106
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And what about love?

107
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Pretty lonely.

108
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Does love stand any chance at all
in these turbulent times?

109
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We all make use of this freedom
and experiment with it.

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And this freedom affects us all,
sooner or later, directly or indirectly,

111
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in our partnership, in our family,

112
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or in our circle of friends.

113
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And this freedom changes gradually

114
00:08:00,822 --> 00:08:04,254
our sexual fantasies, our scripts,

115
00:08:05,138 --> 00:08:06,427
what we want,

116
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and what we are still able to do.

117
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The bar is very high.

118
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I've been working as a neurologist
and a psychotherapist for 25 years

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and of course I do see more often
the other side of the coin.

120
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And in the last 10 years
I've been observing significant changes

121
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in the topics that my clients
bring to my practice.

122
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There are four main topics.

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First, old sexual dysfunctions
in a new guise.

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Young men come to me
with potency disorders

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and Viagra in the pocket.

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It works great with porn,
but with their partner, nothing at all.

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Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition
is paradoxically on the rise.

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And the men emancipate
themselves in listlessness,

129
00:09:00,849 --> 00:09:03,765
but you know it already:
not a general listlessness,

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only a partner-related one.

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Secondly, there are quantitative changes.

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The gap continues to grow
between those untouched,

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with an outstanding
self-supply via the Internet

134
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and who already know 
everything in theory,

135
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but have no practical experience at all,

136
00:09:21,819 --> 00:09:25,191
and those who are tindering
from bed to bed,

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restlessly and unceasingly.

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The WHO has classified
compulsive sexual disorder

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as a mental illness by now.

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In Germany alone,
according to conservative estimates,

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we have half a million
porn and sex addicts.

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In addition to that,
approximately the same number

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00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:47,097
of indirectly affected
partners and children.

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This is a serious development.

145
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Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.

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What used to be hardcore,
is vanilla sex today.

147
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Special exceptional practices,

148
00:10:02,431 --> 00:10:08,398
like voyeurism, exhibitionism,
fetishism and BDSM

149
00:10:08,405 --> 00:10:10,591
are now cultural assets,

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00:10:10,592 --> 00:10:13,598
part of the mainstream,
nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

151
00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:19,286
And the topics couples come up with
are very much about the smartphone,

152
00:10:19,287 --> 00:10:23,478
and the notion of loyalty
seem more blurred than ever.

153
00:10:23,479 --> 00:10:26,379
We can have sex with others today
and still be faithful.

154
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We just need to agree to that in advance.

155
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But we can also
lie beside our partner in bed

156
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and cheat on him online.

157
00:10:33,068 --> 00:10:36,587
And I can see that
the concept of loyalty shifts

158
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from "I'm faithful to you"
to "I'm true to myself".

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Problems are inevitable.

160
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And now the question of all questions:

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how can we integrate this new freedom

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into our lives and enjoy it,

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so that both we and our partnership
remain healthy?

164
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:06,039
And what sets apart
sex gourmets from sexaholics,

165
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who can't find the off switch?

166
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A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm

167
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aren't that different.

168
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Nutrition and sexuality
have a lot of similarities.

169
00:11:20,711 --> 00:11:24,492
And you probably know
a lot about nutrition,

170
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you read about it and you can apply that.

171
00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:33,595
And today I would like to add 
a little something to this analogy,

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which you can implement directly,
under the motto of "Act, Change, Now".

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First, knowledge is the basis
for changing our behavior.

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If we know what kind of food
will keep us healthy in the long term,

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then we can resist the many temptations
of the food industry,

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that make us sick and fat,
and rather say no.

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00:12:02,047 --> 00:12:04,683
That's the same
with the sexual superstimuli.

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00:12:04,684 --> 00:12:07,268
If I know and inform myself...

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00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:11,424
And we know a lot by now, there
are many research studies about it,

180
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cool books and a lot of information
on the Internet.

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Take a look and absorb that knowledge,

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because this will be a key resource
to position yourself accordingly.

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00:12:24,896 --> 00:12:27,437
Many are wandering in this grey area

184
00:12:27,438 --> 00:12:29,672
and I would wish for you all

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00:12:29,674 --> 00:12:33,558
that you won't only wake up
when you're already sick from it.

186
00:12:34,632 --> 00:12:40,055
Second, stay receptive
for natural stimuli.

187
00:12:40,517 --> 00:12:45,153
When you keep ingesting
chocolate, Coke, junk food,

188
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someday apples and
vegetables won't taste good anymore.

189
00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:50,457
It's the same with sexuality.

190
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:52,907
You will get blunt someday.

191
00:12:53,848 --> 00:12:56,939
Ever heard of sex fasting,

192
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,758
the voluntary renunciation
on sexual super incentives,

193
00:12:59,759 --> 00:13:02,991
at least for a trial for a while?

194
00:13:04,273 --> 00:13:07,197
Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,

195
00:13:07,198 --> 00:13:10,879
but more sensitive again
for natural stimuli.

196
00:13:12,255 --> 00:13:15,375
It's not bad at all that
so much is available today,

197
00:13:15,376 --> 00:13:17,650
pornography, sex toys,

198
00:13:17,651 --> 00:13:21,752
but they're stimulants, like candy.

199
00:13:22,487 --> 00:13:26,396
And we'll experience side effects, 
if we consume too much of it.

200
00:13:26,397 --> 00:13:31,017
Also for sexuality,
quality comes before quantity.

201
00:13:31,298 --> 00:13:34,525
And today, maybe less is more.

202
00:13:35,126 --> 00:13:38,125
So, next time when 
you're going checks mails,

203
00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:42,560
just skip the porn,
leave the sex toy in the drawer,

204
00:13:42,568 --> 00:13:45,416
and at the next one-night stand
just ask:

205
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:47,977
will it take me any further personally?

206
00:13:51,191 --> 00:13:56,167
And last but not least:
talk to each other,

207
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:59,500
start a dialogue,
a real qualitative dialogue

208
00:13:59,525 --> 00:14:00,952
with your partner.

209
00:14:02,184 --> 00:14:05,904
This is important and
it takes effort and courage.

210
00:14:06,956 --> 00:14:11,316
Talk about your needs,
but also about your fears.

211
00:14:12,587 --> 00:14:14,680
Partnerships need limits,

212
00:14:14,681 --> 00:14:17,947
that's what makes them different
from what's out there.

213
00:14:17,948 --> 00:14:20,157
And when you establish a bond,

214
00:14:20,158 --> 00:14:23,268
you should stick to it.

215
00:14:23,855 --> 00:14:28,277
And the "no" has
a very special meaning today.

216
00:14:28,281 --> 00:14:32,535
Because what's a "yes"
actually worth without a "no"?

217
00:14:34,596 --> 00:14:38,664
Love gives sexuality meaning and depth

218
00:14:39,762 --> 00:14:46,037
and our relationship is quite crucial
for the quality of our life.

219
00:14:47,777 --> 00:14:51,927
A gentle touch from a partner
that's really close to your heart

220
00:14:53,644 --> 00:15:00,091
can be much more intimate
than the 3,286th canned orgasm.

221
00:15:01,287 --> 00:15:07,417
With everything that's happening today,
with all the freedom we got:

222
00:15:09,098 --> 00:15:11,055
think of love, too.

223
00:15:11,715 --> 00:15:12,887
Thank you very much.

224
00:15:13,094 --> 00:15:17,333
(applause)