0:00:14.817,0:00:20.538
A cosy television evening for two[br]on the couch comes to an end.

0:00:22.193,0:00:24.743
The movie wasn't really a highlight.

0:00:26.183,0:00:28.733
The woman says good night[br]and goes to bed:

0:00:29.455,0:00:32.645
"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.

0:00:32.646,0:00:34.605
You don't have to count on me."

0:00:35.277,0:00:39.778
He takes the chance, says good night,[br]and enters the study:

0:00:39.781,0:00:43.377
"Darling, it doesn't matter,[br]I still have a little work to do anyway."

0:00:45.051,0:00:47.946
As soon as they're both undisturbed,[br]they dedicate themselves

0:00:47.947,0:00:50.691
to the actual highlight of the evening.

0:00:51.195,0:00:53.796
He checks a pair of business e-mails

0:00:53.803,0:00:58.025
and then switches relatively quickly[br]to his favorite --

0:00:58.903,0:01:01.495
exactly -- porn and sex pages.

0:01:01.861,0:01:06.319
What he doesn't know is that[br]at the same time

0:01:06.320,0:01:09.906
she spoils herself[br]with the sex toy of her choice,

0:01:10.653,0:01:14.886
and within minutes she is[br]orgasmically melting away.

0:01:16.456,0:01:20.372
Both sleep deeply relaxed[br]side by side before midnight.

0:01:21.740,0:01:25.852
If you think this ritual[br]is rare in our country,

0:01:25.853,0:01:27.918
then I'm afraid[br]I have to disappoint you --

0:01:28.523,0:01:31.010
that is everyday life in many places.

0:01:31.994,0:01:33.382
And who doesn't know that?

0:01:33.389,0:01:36.230
There is a partner you love

0:01:36.485,0:01:39.300
and still find somewhat attractive,

0:01:39.617,0:01:42.966
and then there is everyday life[br]laying itself over the lust.

0:01:43.473,0:01:47.561
And then there are so many possibilities[br]to have a good time as an alternative.

0:01:47.562,0:01:50.291
It's just a little embarrassing[br]to talk about it,

0:01:50.292,0:01:55.876
and you don't want to offend[br]or irritate your partner persistently.

0:01:57.844,0:01:59.634
One thing is certain:

0:01:59.637,0:02:03.254
the number of orgasms without a partner,

0:02:04.075,0:02:06.573
at least without a binding partner,

0:02:06.574,0:02:10.811
did increase massively[br]in the last few years.

0:02:12.378,0:02:15.152
Listlessness is one of the main topics

0:02:15.153,0:02:18.028
in my practice[br]for couple and sexual therapy.

0:02:18.904,0:02:24.110
But are we really[br]so "overworked" and "underfucked",

0:02:24.112,0:02:25.865
as we always pretend?

0:02:26.658,0:02:30.447
Or are we not perhaps[br]a little "oversexed"

0:02:30.448,0:02:32.732
and thus maybe "underworked"?

0:02:34.752,0:02:37.106
If we take a closer look[br]at this listlessness,

0:02:37.107,0:02:38.432
it's easy to tell

0:02:38.433,0:02:40.634
it's no general listlessness,

0:02:40.635,0:02:42.883
but a partner-related one.

0:02:43.353,0:02:47.333
And that is, among other things,[br]the so-called Coolidge effect.

0:02:47.817,0:02:49.415
Here is a little story:

0:02:49.419,0:02:55.194
Calvin Coolidge was an American president,[br]who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm

0:02:55.219,0:02:57.143
with his wife Grace.

0:02:57.679,0:02:59.948
After a separate guided tour,

0:02:59.949,0:03:02.809
his wife came in excited and said:

0:03:03.261,0:03:08.288
"Calvin, imagine,[br]the cock does it 12 times a day."

0:03:09.452,0:03:14.842
He answered: "Grace, my darling,[br]but not always with the same hen."

0:03:18.423,0:03:22.912
Sexual weariness,[br]decreasing sexual functions,

0:03:24.593,0:03:28.563
this effect unfortunately occurs[br]not only for animals

0:03:28.565,0:03:33.206
with the same partner all the time,[br]but also with us humans.

0:03:34.228,0:03:36.428
And that's a kind of dilemma:

0:03:37.711,0:03:43.258
love needs closeness,[br]but eroticism needs distance.

0:03:43.259,0:03:48.994
We long for commitment,[br]for being well cared for, for closeness.

0:03:48.995,0:03:51.429
And then we long to see something new,

0:03:51.430,0:03:53.249
adventure and excitement.

0:03:53.697,0:03:56.910
How can that be even compatible?

0:03:58.181,0:04:02.494
Everyday life is not a good canvas[br]for our sexual fantasies.

0:04:03.683,0:04:06.123
We're doing a little experiment now.

0:04:06.821,0:04:10.061
Please close your eyes for a moment

0:04:11.345,0:04:16.923
and think of the most beautiful[br]triviality of the world, sex.

0:04:18.649,0:04:19.649
That's it.

0:04:21.492,0:04:24.777
And for once, be curious.

0:04:25.416,0:04:30.607
What kind of pictures will come[br]before your inner eye

0:04:35.513,0:04:37.237
and what kind of feelings?

0:04:42.983,0:04:48.244
And what will these pictures[br]and feelings do to you?

0:04:50.513,0:04:52.136
Thank you very much.

0:04:53.501,0:04:55.832
I'm going to assume that very few people

0:04:55.835,0:04:58.257
were thinking of the act of procreation,

0:04:58.258,0:05:00.288
the conception of a child.

0:05:01.658,0:05:04.684
Well, I'm assuming that now...

0:05:04.685,0:05:07.305
Maybe a few more[br]were thinking about making love,

0:05:08.258,0:05:10.765
like sex in a partnership.

0:05:11.504,0:05:13.649
Most of them, however,

0:05:13.650,0:05:16.994
were thinking about the impulsive side[br]of sexuality,

0:05:16.995,0:05:20.132
going along with adventure,[br]passion, excitement,

0:05:20.133,0:05:23.453
and this unbelievable[br]good feeling in the stomach.

0:05:24.654,0:05:30.611
Reproduction, love and instincts[br]are the three dimensions of sex.

0:05:32.217,0:05:34.876
In the sexual revolution,

0:05:35.577,0:05:40.239
the reproduction was[br]decoupled from sexuality

0:05:40.240,0:05:45.202
because of the introduction of the pill[br]and impunity for abortion.

0:05:48.194,0:05:51.440
Sex could be enjoyed freely,[br]childbearing could be planned,,

0:05:51.441,0:05:55.282
and the slogan at the time was:[br]"Make love, not war."

0:05:57.926,0:06:03.635
What's happening today is an essentially[br]more explosive social development.

0:06:03.636,0:06:07.875
Today the instincts[br]are separated from love

0:06:07.877,0:06:10.890
by means of an enormous suction[br]to the outside.

0:06:12.384,0:06:15.911
Today we have porn running 24 hours a day

0:06:15.912,0:06:18.356
with the most adventurous genres,

0:06:18.358,0:06:20.227
in 3D worlds,

0:06:20.746,0:06:24.632
now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds

0:06:24.633,0:06:28.055
with a fitting full body suit.

0:06:28.056,0:06:31.059
We have sex toys,[br]getting more and more interactive.

0:06:31.060,0:06:36.053
We can sit in Timbuktu today and[br]have sex with someone at the North Pole.

0:06:36.913,0:06:39.309
In addition, there are millions of people

0:06:39.310,0:06:42.740
using these numerous apps and hubs

0:06:43.161,0:06:47.427
for non-binding and purchasable[br]sexual offers.

0:06:48.358,0:06:51.795
Many of them within[br]binding partnerships, by the way,

0:06:51.796,0:06:55.816
and everything initiable from[br]the comfort zone of your home.

0:06:56.247,0:06:58.121
It's the agony of choice these days.

0:06:58.122,0:07:00.143
Sex traffic moved

0:07:00.144,0:07:05.603
into the high-speed data highways[br]of the internet

0:07:05.604,0:07:10.225
and provides for an even calmer traffic

0:07:10.227,0:07:12.416
within the partnership.

0:07:13.526,0:07:19.316
If we look at the slogan[br]"Make love, not war",

0:07:20.164,0:07:26.514
hasn't it eventually changed into[br]"Make sex, not love"?

0:07:27.548,0:07:30.978
And what about love?

0:07:32.278,0:07:33.448
Pretty lonely.

0:07:34.001,0:07:38.334
Does love stand any chance at all[br]in these turbulent times?

0:07:41.089,0:07:44.943
We all make use of this freedom[br]and experiment with it.

0:07:46.785,0:07:52.285
And this freedom affects us all,[br]sooner or later, directly or indirectly,

0:07:52.286,0:07:55.424
in our partnership, in our family,

0:07:55.425,0:07:57.508
or in our circle of friends.

0:07:57.511,0:08:00.437
And this freedom changes gradually

0:08:00.822,0:08:04.254
our sexual fantasies, our scripts,

0:08:05.138,0:08:06.427
what we want,

0:08:06.428,0:08:09.777
and what we are still able to do.

0:08:10.370,0:08:11.985
The bar is very high.

0:08:12.510,0:08:16.095
I've been working as a neurologist[br]and a psychotherapist for 25 years

0:08:16.099,0:08:19.837
and of course I do see more often[br]the other side of the coin.

0:08:20.341,0:08:24.813
And in the last 10 years[br]I've been observing significant changes

0:08:24.813,0:08:28.027
in the topics that my clients[br]bring to my practice.

0:08:28.469,0:08:30.807
There are four main topics.

0:08:31.259,0:08:36.327
First, old sexual dysfunctions[br]in a new guise.

0:08:36.804,0:08:40.639
Young men come to me[br]with potency disorders

0:08:40.642,0:08:42.190
and Viagra in the pocket.

0:08:42.191,0:08:45.927
It works great with porn,[br]but with their partner, nothing at all.

0:08:47.289,0:08:53.049
Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition[br]is paradoxically on the rise.

0:08:56.596,0:09:00.848
And the men emancipate[br]themselves in listlessness,

0:09:00.849,0:09:03.765
but you know it already:[br]not a general listlessness,

0:09:03.766,0:09:05.676
only a partner-related one.

0:09:06.413,0:09:08.841
Secondly, there are quantitative changes.

0:09:08.842,0:09:13.456
The gap continues to grow[br]between those untouched,

0:09:13.457,0:09:16.207
with an outstanding[br]self-supply via the Internet

0:09:17.594,0:09:19.628
and who already know [br]everything in theory,

0:09:19.628,0:09:21.818
but have no practical experience at all,

0:09:21.819,0:09:25.191
and those who are tindering[br]from bed to bed,

0:09:25.197,0:09:27.059
restlessly and unceasingly.

0:09:28.204,0:09:31.387
The WHO has classified[br]compulsive sexual disorder

0:09:31.388,0:09:35.581
as a mental illness by now.

0:09:35.582,0:09:38.670
In Germany alone,[br]according to conservative estimates,

0:09:38.670,0:09:41.719
we have half a million[br]porn and sex addicts.

0:09:41.720,0:09:44.456
In addition to that,[br]approximately the same number

0:09:44.457,0:09:47.097
of indirectly affected[br]partners and children.

0:09:47.467,0:09:49.777
This is a serious development.

0:09:51.053,0:09:54.113
Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.

0:09:55.315,0:09:58.805
What used to be hardcore,[br]is vanilla sex today.

0:09:59.791,0:10:02.430
Special exceptional practices,

0:10:02.431,0:10:08.398
like voyeurism, exhibitionism,[br]fetishism and BDSM

0:10:08.405,0:10:10.591
are now cultural assets,

0:10:10.592,0:10:13.598
part of the mainstream,[br]nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

0:10:14.189,0:10:19.286
And the topics couples come up with[br]are very much about the smartphone,

0:10:19.287,0:10:23.478
and the notion of loyalty[br]seem more blurred than ever.

0:10:23.479,0:10:26.379
We can have sex with others today[br]and still be faithful.

0:10:26.380,0:10:28.475
We just need to agree to that in advance.

0:10:28.479,0:10:31.029
But we can also[br]lie beside our partner in bed

0:10:31.030,0:10:32.587
and cheat on him online.

0:10:33.068,0:10:36.587
And I can see that[br]the concept of loyalty shifts

0:10:36.588,0:10:40.759
from "I'm faithful to you"[br]to "I'm true to myself".

0:10:41.446,0:10:44.406
Problems are inevitable.

0:10:45.521,0:10:47.395
And now the question of all questions:

0:10:47.625,0:10:50.646
how can we integrate this new freedom

0:10:51.729,0:10:55.384
into our lives and enjoy it,

0:10:56.575,0:11:01.018
so that both we and our partnership[br]remain healthy?

0:11:01.520,0:11:06.039
And what sets apart[br]sex gourmets from sexaholics,

0:11:06.040,0:11:08.082
who can't find the off switch?

0:11:09.756,0:11:13.712
A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm

0:11:13.714,0:11:15.847
aren't that different.

0:11:16.656,0:11:20.710
Nutrition and sexuality[br]have a lot of similarities.

0:11:20.711,0:11:24.492
And you probably know[br]a lot about nutrition,

0:11:24.861,0:11:28.062
you read about it and you can apply that.

0:11:28.064,0:11:33.595
And today I would like to add [br]a little something to this analogy,

0:11:34.526,0:11:38.137
which you can implement directly,[br]under the motto of "Act, Change, Now".

0:11:40.316,0:11:47.033
First, knowledge is the basis[br]for changing our behavior.

0:11:47.039,0:11:52.845
If we know what kind of food[br]will keep us healthy in the long term,

0:11:52.846,0:11:57.105
then we can resist the many temptations[br]of the food industry,

0:11:57.106,0:12:02.046
that make us sick and fat,[br]and rather say no.

0:12:02.047,0:12:04.683
That's the same[br]with the sexual superstimuli.

0:12:04.684,0:12:07.268
If I know and inform myself...

0:12:07.269,0:12:11.424
And we know a lot by now, there[br]are many research studies about it,

0:12:11.425,0:12:15.593
cool books and a lot of information[br]on the Internet.

0:12:15.594,0:12:19.306
Take a look and absorb that knowledge,

0:12:19.824,0:12:24.895
because this will be a key resource[br]to position yourself accordingly.

0:12:24.896,0:12:27.437
Many are wandering in this grey area

0:12:27.438,0:12:29.672
and I would wish for you all

0:12:29.674,0:12:33.558
that you won't only wake up[br]when you're already sick from it.

0:12:34.632,0:12:40.055
Second, stay receptive[br]for natural stimuli.

0:12:40.517,0:12:45.153
When you keep ingesting[br]chocolate, Coke, junk food,

0:12:45.154,0:12:48.034
someday apples and[br]vegetables won't taste good anymore.

0:12:48.433,0:12:50.457
It's the same with sexuality.

0:12:51.069,0:12:52.907
You will get blunt someday.

0:12:53.848,0:12:56.939
Ever heard of sex fasting,

0:12:56.940,0:12:59.758
the voluntary renunciation[br]on sexual super incentives,

0:12:59.759,0:13:02.991
at least for a trial for a while?

0:13:04.273,0:13:07.197
Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,

0:13:07.198,0:13:10.879
but more sensitive again[br]for natural stimuli.

0:13:12.255,0:13:15.375
It's not bad at all that[br]so much is available today,

0:13:15.376,0:13:17.650
pornography, sex toys,

0:13:17.651,0:13:21.752
but they're stimulants, like candy.

0:13:22.487,0:13:26.396
And we'll experience side effects, [br]if we consume too much of it.

0:13:26.397,0:13:31.017
Also for sexuality,[br]quality comes before quantity.

0:13:31.298,0:13:34.525
And today, maybe less is more.

0:13:35.126,0:13:38.125
So, next time when [br]you're going checks mails,

0:13:38.126,0:13:42.560
just skip the porn,[br]leave the sex toy in the drawer,

0:13:42.568,0:13:45.416
and at the next one-night stand[br]just ask:

0:13:45.417,0:13:47.977
will it take me any further personally?

0:13:51.191,0:13:56.167
And last but not least:[br]talk to each other,

0:13:56.168,0:13:59.500
start a dialogue,[br]a real qualitative dialogue

0:13:59.525,0:14:00.952
with your partner.

0:14:02.184,0:14:05.904
This is important and[br]it takes effort and courage.

0:14:06.956,0:14:11.316
Talk about your needs,[br]but also about your fears.

0:14:12.587,0:14:14.680
Partnerships need limits,

0:14:14.681,0:14:17.947
that's what makes them different[br]from what's out there.

0:14:17.948,0:14:20.157
And when you establish a bond,

0:14:20.158,0:14:23.268
you should stick to it.

0:14:23.855,0:14:28.277
And the "no" has[br]a very special meaning today.

0:14:28.281,0:14:32.535
Because what's a "yes"[br]actually worth without a "no"?

0:14:34.596,0:14:38.664
Love gives sexuality meaning and depth

0:14:39.762,0:14:46.037
and our relationship is quite crucial[br]for the quality of our life.

0:14:47.777,0:14:51.927
A gentle touch from a partner[br]that's really close to your heart

0:14:53.644,0:15:00.091
can be much more intimate[br]than the 3,286th canned orgasm.

0:15:01.287,0:15:07.417
With everything that's happening today,[br]with all the freedom we got:

0:15:09.098,0:15:11.055
think of love, too.

0:15:11.715,0:15:12.887
Thank you very much.

0:15:13.094,0:15:17.333
(applause)