A cosy television evening for two on the couch comes to an end.
The movie wasn't really a highlight.
The woman says good night and goes to bed:
"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.
You don't have to count on me."
He takes the chance, says good night, and enters the study:
"Darling, it doesn't matter, I still have a little work to do anyway."
As soon as they're both undisturbed, they dedicate themselves
to the actual highlight of the evening.
He checks a pair of business e-mails
and then switches relatively quickly to his favorite --
exactly -- porn and sex pages.
What he doesn't know is that at the same time
she spoils herself with the sex toy of her choice,
and within minutes she is orgasmically melting away.
Both sleep deeply relaxed side by side before midnight.
If you think this ritual is rare in our country,
then I'm afraid I have to disappoint you --
that is everyday life in many places.
And who doesn't know that?
There is a partner you love
and still find somewhat attractive,
and then there is everyday life laying itself over the lust.
And then there are so many possibilities to have a good time as an alternative.
It's just a little embarrassing to talk about it,
and you don't want to offend or irritate your partner persistently.
One thing is certain:
the number of orgasms without a partner,
at least without a binding partner,
did increase massively in the last few years.
Listlessness is one of the main topics
in my practice for couple and sexual therapy.
But are we really so "overworked" and "underfucked",
as we always pretend?
Or are we not perhaps a little "oversexed"
and thus maybe "underworked"?
If we take a closer look at this listlessness,
it's easy to tell
it's no general listlessness,
but a partner-related one.
And that is, among other things, the so-called Coolidge effect.
Here is a little story:
Calvin Coolidge was an American president, who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm
with his wife Grace.
After a separate guided tour,
his wife came in excited and said:
"Calvin, imagine, the cock does it 12 times a day."
He answered: "Grace, my darling, but not always with the same hen."
Sexual weariness, decreasing sexual functions,
this effect unfortunately occurs not only for animals
with the same partner all the time, but also with us humans.
And that's a kind of dilemma:
love needs closeness, but eroticism needs distance.
We long for commitment, for being well cared for, for closeness.
And then we long to see something new,
adventure and excitement.
How can that be even compatible?
Everyday life is not a good canvas for our sexual fantasies.
We're doing a little experiment now.
Please close your eyes for a moment
and think of the most beautiful triviality of the world, sex.
That's it.
And for once, be curious.
What kind of pictures will come before your inner eye
and what kind of feelings?
And what will these pictures and feelings do to you?
Thank you very much.
I'm going to assume that very few people
were thinking of the act of procreation,
the conception of a child.
Well, I'm assuming that now...
Maybe a few more were thinking about making love,
like sex in a partnership.
Most of them, however,
were thinking about the impulsive side of sexuality,
going along with adventure, passion, excitement,
and this unbelievable good feeling in the stomach.
Reproduction, love and instincts are the three dimensions of sex.
In the sexual revolution,
the reproduction was decoupled from sexuality
because of the introduction of the pill and impunity for abortion.
Sex could be enjoyed freely, childbearing could be planned,,
and the slogan at the time was: "Make love, not war."
What's happening today is an essentially more explosive social development.
Today the instincts are separated from love
by means of an enormous suction to the outside.
Today we have porn running 24 hours a day
with the most adventurous genres,
in 3D worlds,
now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds
with a fitting full body suit.
We have sex toys, getting more and more interactive.
We can sit in Timbuktu today and have sex with someone at the North Pole.
In addition, there are millions of people
using these numerous apps and hubs
for non-binding and purchasable sexual offers.
Many of them within binding partnerships, by the way,
and everything initiable from the comfort zone of your home.
It's the agony of choice these days.
Sex traffic moved
into the high-speed data highways of the internet
and provides for an even calmer traffic
within the partnership.
If we look at the slogan "Make love, not war",
hasn't it eventually changed into "Make sex, not love"?
And what about love?
Pretty lonely.
Does love stand any chance at all in these turbulent times?
We all make use of this freedom and experiment with it.
And this freedom affects us all, sooner or later, directly or indirectly,
in our partnership, in our family,
or in our circle of friends.
And this freedom changes gradually
our sexual fantasies, our scripts,
what we want,
and what we are still able to do.
The bar is very high.
I've been working as a neurologist and a psychotherapist for 25 years
and of course I do see more often the other side of the coin.
And in the last 10 years I've been observing significant changes
in the topics that my clients bring to my practice.
There are four main topics.
First, old sexual dysfunctions in a new guise.
Young men come to me with potency disorders
and Viagra in the pocket.
It works great with porn, but with their partner, nothing at all.
Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition is paradoxically on the rise.
And the men emancipate themselves in listlessness,
but you know it already: not a general listlessness,
only a partner-related one.
Secondly, there are quantitative changes.
The gap continues to grow between those untouched,
with an outstanding self-supply via the Internet
and who already know everything in theory,
but have no practical experience at all,
and those who are tindering from bed to bed,
restlessly and unceasingly.
The WHO has classified compulsive sexual disorder
as a mental illness by now.
In Germany alone, according to conservative estimates,
we have half a million porn and sex addicts.
In addition to that, approximately the same number
of indirectly affected partners and children.
This is a serious development.
Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.
What used to be hardcore, is vanilla sex today.
Special exceptional practices,
like voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism and BDSM
are now cultural assets,
part of the mainstream, nothing out of the ordinary anymore.
And the topics couples come up with are very much about the smartphone,
and the notion of loyalty seem more blurred than ever.
We can have sex with others today and still be faithful.
We just need to agree to that in advance.
But we can also lie beside our partner in bed
and cheat on him online.
And I can see that the concept of loyalty shifts
from "I'm faithful to you" to "I'm true to myself".
Problems are inevitable.
And now the question of all questions:
how can we integrate this new freedom
into our lives and enjoy it,
so that both we and our partnership remain healthy?
And what sets apart sex gourmets from sexaholics,
who can't find the off switch?
A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm
aren't that different.
Nutrition and sexuality have a lot of similarities.
And you probably know a lot about nutrition,
you read about it and you can apply that.
And today I would like to add a little something to this analogy,
which you can implement directly, under the motto of "Act, Change, Now".
First, knowledge is the basis for changing our behavior.
If we know what kind of food will keep us healthy in the long term,
then we can resist the many temptations of the food industry,
that make us sick and fat, and rather say no.
That's the same with the sexual superstimuli.
If I know and inform myself...
And we know a lot by now, there are many research studies about it,
cool books and a lot of information on the Internet.
Take a look and absorb that knowledge,
because this will be a key resource to position yourself accordingly.
Many are wandering in this grey area
and I would wish for you all
that you won't only wake up when you're already sick from it.
Second, stay receptive for natural stimuli.
When you keep ingesting chocolate, Coke, junk food,
someday apples and vegetables won't taste good anymore.
It's the same with sexuality.
You will get blunt someday.
Ever heard of sex fasting,
the voluntary renunciation on sexual super incentives,
at least for a trial for a while?
Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,
but more sensitive again for natural stimuli.
It's not bad at all that so much is available today,
pornography, sex toys,
but they're stimulants, like candy.
And we'll experience side effects, if we consume too much of it.
Also for sexuality, quality comes before quantity.
And today, maybe less is more.
So, next time when you're going checks mails,
just skip the porn, leave the sex toy in the drawer,
and at the next one-night stand just ask:
will it take me any further personally?
And last but not least: talk to each other,
start a dialogue, a real qualitative dialogue
with your partner.
This is important and it takes effort and courage.
Talk about your needs, but also about your fears.
Partnerships need limits,
that's what makes them different from what's out there.
And when you establish a bond,
you should stick to it.
And the "no" has a very special meaning today.
Because what's a "yes" actually worth without a "no"?
Love gives sexuality meaning and depth
and our relationship is quite crucial for the quality of our life.
A gentle touch from a partner that's really close to your heart
can be much more intimate than the 3,286th canned orgasm.
With everything that's happening today, with all the freedom we got:
think of love, too.
Thank you very much.
(applause)