WEBVTT

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A cosy television evening for two
on the couch comes to an end.

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The movie wasn't really a highlight.

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The woman says good night
and goes to bed:

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"Honey, I'm not staying up late tonight.

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You don't have to count on me."

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He takes the chance, says good night,
and enters the study:

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"Darling, it doesn't matter,
I still have a little work to do anyway."

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As soon as they're both undisturbed,
they dedicate themselves

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to the actual highlight of the evening.

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He checks a pair of business e-mails

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and then switches relatively quickly
to his favorite --

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exactly -- porn and sex pages.

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What he doesn't know is that
at the same time

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she spoils herself
with the sex toy of her choice,

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and within minutes she is
orgasmically melting away.

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Both sleep deeply relaxed
side by side before midnight.

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If you think this ritual
is rare in our country,

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then I'm afraid
I have to disappoint you --

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that is everyday life in many places.

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And who doesn't know that?

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There is a partner you love

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and still find somewhat attractive,

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and then there is everyday life
laying itself over the lust.

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And then there are so many possibilities
to have a good time as an alternative.

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It's just a little embarrassing
to talk about it,

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and you don't want to offend
or irritate your partner persistently.

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One thing is certain:

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the number of orgasms without a partner,

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at least without a binding partner,

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did increase massively
in the last few years.

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Listlessness is one of the main topics

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in my practice
for couple and sexual therapy.

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But are we really
so "overworked" and "underfucked",

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as we always pretend?

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Or are we not perhaps
a little "oversexed"

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and thus maybe "underworked"?

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If we take a closer look
at this listlessness,

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it's easy to tell

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it's no general listlessness,

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but a partner-related one.

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And that is, among other things,
the so-called Coolidge effect.

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Here is a little story:

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Calvin Coolidge was an American president,
who visited 100 years ago a chicken farm

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with his wife Grace.

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After a separate guided tour,

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his wife came in excited and said:

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"Calvin, imagine,
the cock does it 12 times a day."

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He answered: "Grace, my darling,
but not always with the same hen."

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Sexual weariness,
decreasing sexual functions,

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this effect unfortunately occurs
not only for animals

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with the same partner all the time,
but also with us humans.

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And that's a kind of dilemma:

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love needs closeness,
but eroticism needs distance.

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We long for commitment,
for being well cared for, for closeness.

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And then we long to see something new,

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adventure and excitement.

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How can that be even compatible?

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Everyday life is not a good canvas
for our sexual fantasies.

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We're doing a little experiment now.

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Please close your eyes for a moment

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and think of the most beautiful
triviality of the world, sex.

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That's it.

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And for once, be curious.

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What kind of pictures will come
before your inner eye

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and what kind of feelings?

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And what will these pictures
and feelings do to you?

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Thank you very much.

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I'm going to assume that very few people

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were thinking of the act of procreation,

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the conception of a child.

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Well, I'm assuming that now...

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Maybe a few more
were thinking about making love,

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like sex in a partnership.

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Most of them, however,

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were thinking about the impulsive side
of sexuality,

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going along with adventure,
passion, excitement,

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and this unbelievable
good feeling in the stomach.

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Reproduction, love and instincts
are the three dimensions of sex.

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In the sexual revolution,

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the reproduction was
decoupled from sexuality

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because of the introduction of the pill
and impunity for abortion.

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Sex could be enjoyed freely,
childbearing could be planned,,

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and the slogan at the time was:
"Make love, not war."

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What's happening today is an essentially
more explosive social development.

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Today the instincts
are separated from love

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by means of an enormous suction
to the outside.

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Today we have porn running 24 hours a day

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with the most adventurous genres,

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in 3D worlds,

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now also in 4D worlds, in virtual worlds

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with a fitting full body suit.

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We have sex toys,
getting more and more interactive.

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We can sit in Timbuktu today and
have sex with someone at the North Pole.

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In addition, there are millions of people

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using these numerous apps and hubs

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for non-binding and purchasable
sexual offers.

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Many of them within
binding partnerships, by the way,

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and everything initiable from
the comfort zone of your home.

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It's the agony of choice these days.

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Sex traffic moved

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into the high-speed data highways
of the internet

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and provides for an even calmer traffic

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within the partnership.

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If we look at the slogan
"Make love, not war",

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hasn't it eventually changed into
"Make sex, not love"?

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And what about love?

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Pretty lonely.

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Does love stand any chance at all
in these turbulent times?

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We all make use of this freedom
and experiment with it.

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And this freedom affects us all,
sooner or later, directly or indirectly,

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in our partnership, in our family,

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or in our circle of friends.

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And this freedom changes gradually

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our sexual fantasies, our scripts,

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what we want,

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and what we are still able to do.

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The bar is very high.

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I've been working as a neurologist
and a psychotherapist for 25 years

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and of course I do see more often
the other side of the coin.

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And in the last 10 years
I've been observing significant changes

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in the topics that my clients
bring to my practice.

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There are four main topics.

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First, old sexual dysfunctions
in a new guise.

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Young men come to me
with potency disorders

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and Viagra in the pocket.

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It works great with porn,
but with their partner, nothing at all.

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Orgasm delay and orgasm inhibition
is paradoxically on the rise.

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And the men emancipate
themselves in listlessness,

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but you know it already:
not a general listlessness,

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only a partner-related one.

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Secondly, there are quantitative changes.

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The gap continues to grow
between those untouched,

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with an outstanding
self-supply via the Internet

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and who already know 
everything in theory,

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but have no practical experience at all,

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and those who are tindering
from bed to bed,

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restlessly and unceasingly.

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The WHO has classified
compulsive sexual disorder

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as a mental illness by now.

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In Germany alone,
according to conservative estimates,

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we have half a million
porn and sex addicts.

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In addition to that,
approximately the same number

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of indirectly affected
partners and children.

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This is a serious development.

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Thirdly, we have qualitative changes.

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What used to be hardcore,
is vanilla sex today.

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Special exceptional practices,

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like voyeurism, exhibitionism,
fetishism and BDSM

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are now cultural assets,

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part of the mainstream,
nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

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And the topics couples come up with
are very much about the smartphone,

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and the notion of loyalty
seem more blurred than ever.

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We can have sex with others today
and still be faithful.

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We just need to agree to that in advance.

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But we can also
lie beside our partner in bed

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and cheat on him online.

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And I can see that
the concept of loyalty shifts

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from "I'm faithful to you"
to "I'm true to myself".

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Problems are inevitable.

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And now the question of all questions:

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how can we integrate this new freedom

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into our lives and enjoy it,

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so that both we and our partnership
remain healthy?

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And what sets apart
sex gourmets from sexaholics,

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who can't find the off switch?

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A juicy tiramisu and a wet orgasm

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aren't that different.

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Nutrition and sexuality
have a lot of similarities.

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And you probably know
a lot about nutrition,

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you read about it and you can apply that.

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And today I would like to add 
a little something to this analogy,

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which you can implement directly,
under the motto of "Act, Change, Now".

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First, knowledge is the basis
for changing our behavior.

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If we know what kind of food
will keep us healthy in the long term,

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then we can resist the many temptations
of the food industry,

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that make us sick and fat,
and rather say no.

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That's the same
with the sexual superstimuli.

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If I know and inform myself...

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And we know a lot by now, there
are many research studies about it,

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cool books and a lot of information
on the Internet.

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Take a look and absorb that knowledge,

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because this will be a key resource
to position yourself accordingly.

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Many are wandering in this grey area

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and I would wish for you all

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that you won't only wake up
when you're already sick from it.

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Second, stay receptive
for natural stimuli.

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When you keep ingesting
chocolate, Coke, junk food,

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someday apples and
vegetables won't taste good anymore.

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It's the same with sexuality.

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You will get blunt someday.

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Ever heard of sex fasting,

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the voluntary renunciation
on sexual super incentives,

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at least for a trial for a while?

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Admittedly, that doesn't make you slim,

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but more sensitive again
for natural stimuli.

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It's not bad at all that
so much is available today,

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pornography, sex toys,

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but they're stimulants, like candy.

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And we'll experience side effects, 
if we consume too much of it.

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Also for sexuality,
quality comes before quantity.

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And today, maybe less is more.

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So, next time when 
you're going checks mails,

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just skip the porn,
leave the sex toy in the drawer,

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and at the next one-night stand
just ask:

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will it take me any further personally?

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And last but not least:
talk to each other,

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start a dialogue,
a real qualitative dialogue

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with your partner.

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This is important and
it takes effort and courage.

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Talk about your needs,
but also about your fears.

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Partnerships need limits,

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that's what makes them different
from what's out there.

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And when you establish a bond,

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you should stick to it.

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And the "no" has
a very special meaning today.

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Because what's a "yes"
actually worth without a "no"?

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Love gives sexuality meaning and depth

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and our relationship is quite crucial
for the quality of our life.

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A gentle touch from a partner
that's really close to your heart

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can be much more intimate
than the 3,286th canned orgasm.

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With everything that's happening today,
with all the freedom we got:

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think of love, too.

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Thank you very much.

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(applause)