Интерны: сезон 1, серия 1

Where are you headed so early?

What do you mean where?

Over there...

It's over, you see.

It will be over when I say!
Discharge!

What?

That's how it's done!

And you're saying that
"We're loosing him, we're loosing him!"

Would you like some vitamins?

Oh, yeah...

Good morning, Andrey Evgen'evich!

This is a matter of debate.

The Chief Medical Officer (CMO) is asking for you.

This phrase should be pronounced without a smile!

Ehmm... Excuse me. I... ehmm...
it wasn't intentional.

And please remind Anastasiya Konstantinovna,

that I have ward rounds on Mondays.

If she wants to talk with me, she should

hospitalize herself to my ward

Next time, I will do exactly that!

Dr. Bykov, I have to talk with you!

I have ward rounds!

Starting today, 4 practitioners will join you.

Nastya, you know that I am incapable of
finding common tongue with children.

They are terrified of me and as a result
they pee themselves.

Andrey Evgen'evich! First of all, not Nastya,
but Anastasiya Konstantinovna

And second of all...

I am the CMO, you know!

Hi. How is doing with my favourite patient,

from which there were no complaints in
the past 3 months?

He is still in coma.

Good! No, bad.

So, administer additional 20 cm3 of piracetam,
and send some blood for biochemistry.

OK.

And for me: 0.5 dark ale and something to chew.

What do you mean?

You look like a beer merchant
in this coat.

Put yourself in shape!

Andrey, please. Take them.
I'm asking you like a mother.

My son is in this group.

Well, now I'm certain that I won't take them,

because he is 50% made of you,
and that by itself is over the top.

Good day. Andrey Evgen'evich,
can I go to the funeral?

It's too early.
I'll let you know when it is time.

My husband died, which is the reason
I appeared here at you.

Oh, in that case, of course.

Thanks.

Dr. Bykov.
As of today, you have 4 practitioners,

this is not negotiable, I'm telling you this
as the CMO to her subordinate.

Trouble!

Shave Nikolachov's regio inguinalis from ward #5

He has surgical operation tomorrow.

Be extremely delicate, as for men
of his age it is a shock.

You could at least put on a mask or
something, as my eyes start to water

Hi Andy, give me a bottle of cognac.

From which point in life started venereologists
to ask for cognac from therapists?

It is you who should be getting cognac
for the secrecy.

Yes, we should, but I'm out of it,

so give me a bottle of cognac, ASAP!

Kupitman,
how many days have you been drinking?

Third.

And if you are sincere?

12th

When you are drinking, do you eat?

Only some porridge.

So you're not.

No.

Lyubov Mikhaylovna,
prepare ward #4 for Dr. Kupitman.

20 cm3 of isotonic solution with ascorbic
acid, and 6 cm3 of Aminophylline
personally from me.

Lyubov Mikhaylovna, I'm delaying that
order, I'm still a doctor.

I'm prescribing 400 cognac perorally

You're not a doctor,

You, are an alcoholic!

Bykov!

Since you gave up on drinking,

with you...

It's impossible to talk with you!

Exactly.

Who is this?

This is my headache!

Cool!

My name is Andrey Evgen'evich Bykov.

I'm the chief of the Therapy Ward

and the supervisor of your residentship.

So guess please,
what am I displeased of about all this?

I hypothesize, that you dislike being the supervisor
of our residentship,

as it would be silly to assume that you
do not like the position of
chief practitioner of the ward.

Family name...

Boris Arkadyevich Levin, Red Diploma

You will be my little favourite.

I always liked such little dumb smugs.

I look better with such people around me.

Rule #1: Forget the color of your diplomas

and the fact that there is the word
"doctor" written in it.

It is a lie.
You do not know shit.

What do you mean nothing?

Your name?

Semyon.

Lobanov.
I've been working like hell since grade 1

I have shitloads of experience!

Thanks for the bright allegory.

Rule #2:

Before you start killing people, I forbid
to prescribe anything, give council,

or touch my patients with your hands
without me allowing first.

But for you, colleague, for the especially
experienced one,

I allow you to empty all bedpans completely
independently, on your own.

And what made you laugh Dr. Erhhh...

Romanenko.

You should've been informed by Anastasiya
Konstantinovna about me.

Oh, yeah! The son of the CMO!

And because of that, you gonna get an
especially intensive course of education.

Well, it seems that's all.

And what about me?

And who are you?

Dr. Varya Chernous

Female doctor?

It won't work.

And what shall I do?

Change your gender, and then come back.

So. Every day you will get grades.

Those who get 2, will also get the night shift.

Go ahead zombies.

You will get your first patients.

The task is simple:

Examine, interview, establish diagnose
and therapy.

Then come back to me, report, disgrace,
listen to my indicative remarks

and go away silently. Is that clear?

Vetrova, Anna Vladimirovna.

Hello.

Hello.
Hello.

She will be taken care of by today...

Dr. Lenin!

I'm Levin.

Lenin suits you better. Heal!
All the others after me!

Oops!

I'm sorry, I'll clean up.
Excuse me...

Hello.

I'm Borya.

Arkadyevich.

Mariya Ivanovna Andreyeva.

85 years old.

She will be taken care of by Dr...

Lobanov!

Be careful, her blood pressure fluctuates.

Let's go onward...

I'm sorry!

Well, granny, here's the doctor!

Andrey Evgen'evich, do you have a minute?

Sure!

It seems we didn't come to terms

and we started to dislike each other
right from the beginning.

But I know how to fix this.

Hmm, an intrigue!

Let's do so that I will come later,
and you will let me go home earlier.

This way, we will keep our unpleasant
interactions with each other

at a minimum necessary time.

So you want to go home earlier?

Well, I'm not against it.

I have a patient exactly for you.

Not even a patient, but simply a souvenir.

Let's go!

I'm entrusting you the most simple patient
in our ward.

He's postsurgical,

he should come to his senses after
the narcosis.

Wait a second, but he is...

Galya!

Why didn't you change your coat already?
Go change!

You'll wait until he wakes up,
you question him, and then you can go home.

What? Simply question him?

Yes! Simply question him.
Son of CMO.

Thanks Andrey Evgen'evich.

I knew, we will come to terms.

Knock yourself out!

I'm sorry!

Andrey Evgen'evich!

And who will you entrust me?

You?

I'm... I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I decided to entrust you with the most
complicated patient of ours

Nobody really knows what kind of
illness he has

And our last hope remains to be...

your fresh, unbiased point of view

Thanks, Andrey Evgen'evich,
I won't let you down!

Where in the hell did I sin that
much for this?!

Before evening, doctor, small of the back
starts to feel strange

legs are weak, before the rain
my knees start to hurt like hell

and if I get full of cucumbers
before night...

Granny, this is all... very interesting...

On Friday, my side hurt sharply and
my back side was acting up

Now! Where does it hurt exactly right now?

Well, now... I have some headache

Well, that's it granny, don't you worry,
we'll fix ya!

We'll give you a nice shot of Verapamil,
and you'll run about like a young chick!

This was the last item of the questionnaire,
let's get to the physical examination

Emm, let me listen you

Alright

Huhhh!

Is there something not alright?

Everything is alright...
Simply... I... Simply... Emmm...

Emmm... I didn't... finish with the questions

Dre... Dress up or else... Emmm... Your big...
Emmm... A lot of questions remain for you!

Emmm... Questions like... Emmm...

Tell me please, emmm... you or your relatives,
emmm... did they have, emmm...

Dengue Fever? Hmm??

Are you feeling unwell?

I'm dying, you know

What do you mean, you're dying?

In great agony

Don't despair, maybe not everything is lost

Meaning?

I'll talk to Dr. Bykov and maybe he'll help
and you won't die

So, you're from Dr. Bykov?

Yes, this is my first day

And maybe this one is my last...

Your Bykov said this yesterday himself

You have only 2 days left, Vanya

You lived out your days already...

But maybe I could help you somehow??

I'm begging you, go get some cognac quickly!

Go for cognac?!

Alright, going for cognac!

Here, here, it should be enough...

Yes of course, I'll return in a moment!

And some cigarettes, those thin types,
light ones... Quickly! Quickly!

Mariya Ivanovna! How do you feel?

In the morning it was a bit bad,

I had some headache...

But now, it's better. The doctor gave me
an injection, and all feels much better now

What injection and what doctor?

Well... This one... With the big face...
Looks like Mickey Mouse

Ahamm... It means Lobanov is now giving
injections on his own. Well OK.

Don't drink!

Not even a bit of vodka?

Well, Lobanov, Lobanov...

What did you inject into the granny?

Heee...?

I'm asking: what did you inject into
the granny, you harm maker?!

Emmm... Verapamil...

And have you checked her medical records?!

No, what for?

She has allergies for Verapamil

So, and... What happened?

That's it! Anaphylactic shock.
Your granny is gone

The old rag died in
great convulsions

Congratulations! You opened up
your own cemetery today, colleague!

Don't your blame yourself sweety.
How could you know?

You simply wanted to help, but look how it
turned out...

For... Forgive me! Gra-gra-granny...!

Stop killing yourself over it, I lived long
enough already

And don't feel sorry for me

It is more difficult for you than me now

But don't worry. I won't tell
anyone now, that

IT WAS YOUR FAULT!!!

YOURS!!!

I need the address of Mariya Ivanovna
Andreyeva from Ward #5

Of Andreyeva?

Mariya Ivanovna.

Write it down

Why do you need it?

I have to apologize

I'm guilty

Maybe you... Emmm... Did you live near big
factories? That produce fertilizers, cyclophosphates

or sodium silicate?

No!

No. Well...
Alright, alright, another question then...

And are there many questions remaining?

Emmm... A lot... A lot...

Well, what's up?

Are you finished here?

What is this bullshit?!

What were you doing here for two hours?!

I was questioning the patient

You should've examined her a long time ago!

Take off your clothes

Calm down!

Stethoscope into you ears!

I can't

Why?

Well... Emmm...

Erecting muscle... of
manhood... organ is... tense

For 2 hours?!

I'm impressed!

Let's go

And what about me?

And you, you are above any praise

Why were you so tense?! The job was worldly

There were so big... dugs

Yes, those dugs were really big, but
you should act like a real doctor

And how do real doctors act in
situations such as this?

Go to the showers, and let the steam out

How exactly?

Soften up

You mean...

Don't pick words, you know exactly
what I mean!

And is this really allowed??

Of course!

This was proposed by Burdenko in the
Russian-Turk company...

What shall I say...?
I was there today... 4 times. Yes?

OK, go, go! Get in shape!
And continue the examination!

Lyubov Mikhailovna!

What kind of a mess do you have in there?!

Why? What is there?

Go and have a look!

Heey! What the...?

I told you so! A mess!

To hell with this!

I had a lot of good stuff
in my life in any case

I served 5 years on a nuclear submarine

We cruised around America... We were
collecting intelligence all the time...

But they did not let me go to space

You are not suitable, you Kupitman

Well, because of my nationality I recon

Alright, Varya

Thank you

You helped me a lot

But let me do something else for you again!

Go

I have to be alone...

Remember those who I forgot...

I'll remember...

What kind of a person I am?!

And I'm not even ashamed...

Hey, Andrey Evgen'evich!
Here you are!

And I'm running around the whole ward
looking for you!

Humor me!

Everything's normal! The patient woke up,
I questioned him. Can I go?

Woke up?

Well, yeah!

What's he sayin'?

Everything's normal he says!

No complaints, condition is satisfactory,
clear consciousness. I'm going, yeah?

No, wait a second! We'll go together.

But where? Together?

What do you mean where? To the
Ministry of Healthcare!

But what for?

They will give you a medal.

For what?

What do you mean what for?

You, by yourself, without any medications,
pulled out a patient from coma

And after 3 months of lying in coma the
patient has clear consciousness,

talks clearly,
and does not have any complaints!

This is a medal!

Dr. Chernous! What happened?

Andrey Evgen'evich!

Why is everything so unfair?

Why such good people need to pass away?

He's only 40.

Who?

That patient that you gave me

That has only 2 day to live

Did he tell you this?

It was told to him by you!
Don't you even remember?!

Oh, I remember now! And what kind of an
illness does your patient have?

But I don't know.

Nobody knows!

And what does his medical record say?

I did not look at it

Doctors only believe in facts

You were required to look into
his medical records

And the brain of a doctor should
work in its entirety

And not only the tear ducts

So this means that he is not dying?!

Even better! He's not even a
patient of ward!

Good evening, colleges!

Is that you?!

It is me, Varya

And this is for you. For the most humane
doctor of this day.

Don't cry Varya. You saved the life of a human

But your supervisor, thanks to his caddish
behaviour, refused

Enough of acting up!
Let's go, we need to talk...

Don't touch me!!

Varya. You shouldn't be so trusting.

You should've at least check out my
medical records!

I already told that! And these are my
students anyway!

Thanks anyway, Varya...!

Let's remember my Vasiliy Stepanovich.
May he rest is peace.

But the ambulance is all at fault!
(NOTE: ambulance="rapid help" in russian)

It was called and called again!

And it never came...

Hello

Forgive me!

I'm guilty.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?! Hmm?!

Go, get the hell out of here, sinner!

And you call yourself "rapid"?!
(NOTE: in this case it refers to ambulance)

Well?! Gentlemen quacksalvers?

Let's state some facts!

I'm reminding you: Those who get a grade 2,
will remain for the night shift.

So, what do we have?

Doctor Levin was caught in the middle of
a handwork in the showers

But you yourself told me...

I meant cold shower, but you made a
different move! 2!

Dr. Chernous.

She personally took alcohol and cigarettes
to a patient into the ward!

Bravo, doctor!
2!

Dr. Lobanov! He decided that he is most
experienced

and sent a granny to the Other World.
3.

I'm kidding. 2!

Dr. Romanenko!

He was hurrying home so much, that he
managed to question a patient in coma!

2!

And all this means, that you all will
remain here for the night shift!

Asshole!

I completely agree!
And psycho!

He's not acting nicely with us!

Oh yeah!
I completely forgot to say:

Welcome! Hehe!

Good evening, doctor!

I'm back!

What do you mean you're back?!

I don't feel good there.
I can't sleep there.

Subs by RPuskas