Where are you headed so early?
What do you mean where?
Over there...
It's over, you see.
It will be over when I say! Discharge!
What?
That's how it's done!
And you're saying that "We're loosing him, we're loosing him!"
Would you like some vitamins?
Oh, yeah...
Good morning, Andrey Evgen'evich!
This is a matter of debate.
The Chief Medical Officer (CMO) is asking for you.
This phrase should be pronounced without a smile!
Ehmm... Excuse me. I... ehmm... it wasn't intentional.
And please remind Anastasiya Konstantinovna,
that I have ward rounds on Mondays.
If she wants to talk with me, she should
hospitalize herself to my ward
Next time, I will do exactly that!
Dr. Bykov, I have to talk with you!
I have ward rounds!
Starting today, 4 practitioners will join you.
Nastya, you know that I am incapable of finding common tongue with children.
They are terrified of me and as a result they pee themselves.
Andrey Evgen'evich! First of all, not Nastya, but Anastasiya Konstantinovna
And second of all...
I am the CMO, you know!
Hi. How is doing with my favourite patient,
from which there were no complaints in the past 3 months?
He is still in coma.
Good! No, bad.
So, administer additional 20 cm3 of piracetam, and send some blood for biochemistry.
OK.
And for me: 0.5 dark ale and something to chew.
What do you mean?
You look like a beer merchant in this coat.
Put yourself in shape!
Andrey, please. Take them. I'm asking you like a mother.
My son is in this group.
Well, now I'm certain that I won't take them,
because he is 50% made of you, and that by itself is over the top.
Good day. Andrey Evgen'evich, can I go to the funeral?
It's too early. I'll let you know when it is time.
My husband died, which is the reason I appeared here at you.
Oh, in that case, of course.
Thanks.
Dr. Bykov. As of today, you have 4 practitioners,
this is not negotiable, I'm telling you this as the CMO to her subordinate.
Trouble!
Shave Nikolachov's regio inguinalis from ward #5
He has surgical operation tomorrow.
Be extremely delicate, as for men of his age it is a shock.
You could at least put on a mask or something, as my eyes start to water
Hi Andy, give me a bottle of cognac.
From which point in life started venereologists to ask for cognac from therapists?
It is you who should be getting cognac for the secrecy.
Yes, we should, but I'm out of it,
so give me a bottle of cognac, ASAP!
Kupitman, how many days have you been drinking?
Third.
And if you are sincere?
12th
When you are drinking, do you eat?
Only some porridge.
So you're not.
No.
Lyubov Mikhaylovna, prepare ward #4 for Dr. Kupitman.
20 cm3 of isotonic solution with ascorbic acid, and 6 cm3 of Aminophylline personally from me.
Lyubov Mikhaylovna, I'm delaying that order, I'm still a doctor.
I'm prescribing 400 cognac perorally
You're not a doctor,
You, are an alcoholic!
Bykov!
Since you gave up on drinking,
with you...
It's impossible to talk with you!
Exactly.
Who is this?
This is my headache!
Cool!
My name is Andrey Evgen'evich Bykov.
I'm the chief of the Therapy Ward
and the supervisor of your residentship.
So guess please, what am I displeased of about all this?
I hypothesize, that you dislike being the supervisor of our residentship,
as it would be silly to assume that you do not like the position of chief practitioner of the ward.
Family name...
Boris Arkadyevich Levin, Red Diploma
You will be my little favourite.
I always liked such little dumb smugs.
I look better with such people around me.
Rule #1: Forget the color of your diplomas
and the fact that there is the word "doctor" written in it.
It is a lie. You do not know shit.
What do you mean nothing?
Your name?
Semyon.
Lobanov. I've been working like hell since grade 1
I have shitloads of experience!
Thanks for the bright allegory.
Rule #2:
Before you start killing people, I forbid to prescribe anything, give council,
or touch my patients with your hands without me allowing first.
But for you, colleague, for the especially experienced one,
I allow you to empty all bedpans completely independently, on your own.
And what made you laugh Dr. Erhhh...
Romanenko.
You should've been informed by Anastasiya Konstantinovna about me.
Oh, yeah! The son of the CMO!
And because of that, you gonna get an especially intensive course of education.
Well, it seems that's all.
And what about me?
And who are you?
Dr. Varya Chernous
Female doctor?
It won't work.
And what shall I do?
Change your gender, and then come back.
So. Every day you will get grades.
Those who get 2, will also get the night shift.
Go ahead zombies.
You will get your first patients.
The task is simple:
Examine, interview, establish diagnose and therapy.
Then come back to me, report, disgrace, listen to my indicative remarks
and go away silently. Is that clear?
Vetrova, Anna Vladimirovna.
Hello.
She will be taken care of by today...
Dr. Lenin!
I'm Levin.
Lenin suits you better. Heal! All the others after me!
Oops!
I'm sorry, I'll clean up. Excuse me...
Hello.
I'm Borya.
Arkadyevich.
Mariya Ivanovna Andreyeva.
85 years old.
She will be taken care of by Dr...
Lobanov!
Be careful, her blood pressure fluctuates.
Let's go onward...
I'm sorry!
Well, granny, here's the doctor!
Andrey Evgen'evich, do you have a minute?
Sure!
It seems we didn't come to terms
and we started to dislike each other right from the beginning.
But I know how to fix this.
Hmm, an intrigue!
Let's do so that I will come later, and you will let me go home earlier.
This way, we will keep our unpleasant interactions with each other
at a minimum necessary time.
So you want to go home earlier?
Well, I'm not against it.
I have a patient exactly for you.
Not even a patient, but simply a souvenir.
Let's go!
I'm entrusting you the most simple patient in our ward.
He's postsurgical,
he should come to his senses after the narcosis.
Wait a second, but he is...
Galya!
Why didn't you change your coat already? Go change!
You'll wait until he wakes up, you question him, and then you can go home.
What? Simply question him?
Yes! Simply question him. Son of CMO.
Thanks Andrey Evgen'evich.
I knew, we will come to terms.
Knock yourself out!
I'm sorry!
Andrey Evgen'evich!
And who will you entrust me?
You?
I'm... I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I decided to entrust you with the most complicated patient of ours
Nobody really knows what kind of illness he has
And our last hope remains to be...
your fresh, unbiased point of view
Thanks, Andrey Evgen'evich, I won't let you down!
Where in the hell did I sin that much for this?!
Before evening, doctor, small of the back starts to feel strange
legs are weak, before the rain my knees start to hurt like hell
and if I get full of cucumbers before night...
Granny, this is all... very interesting...
On Friday, my side hurt sharply and my back side was acting up
Now! Where does it hurt exactly right now?
Well, now... I have some headache
Well, that's it granny, don't you worry, we'll fix ya!
We'll give you a nice shot of Verapamil, and you'll run about like a young chick!
This was the last item of the questionnaire, let's get to the physical examination
Emm, let me listen you
Alright
Huhhh!
Is there something not alright?
Everything is alright... Simply... I... Simply... Emmm...
Emmm... I didn't... finish with the questions
Dre... Dress up or else... Emmm... Your big... Emmm... A lot of questions remain for you!
Emmm... Questions like... Emmm...
Tell me please, emmm... you or your relatives, emmm... did they have, emmm...
Dengue Fever? Hmm??
Are you feeling unwell?
I'm dying, you know
What do you mean, you're dying?
In great agony
Don't despair, maybe not everything is lost
Meaning?
I'll talk to Dr. Bykov and maybe he'll help and you won't die
So, you're from Dr. Bykov?
Yes, this is my first day
And maybe this one is my last...
Your Bykov said this yesterday himself
You have only 2 days left, Vanya
You lived out your days already...
But maybe I could help you somehow??
I'm begging you, go get some cognac quickly!
Go for cognac?!
Alright, going for cognac!
Here, here, it should be enough...
Yes of course, I'll return in a moment!
And some cigarettes, those thin types, light ones... Quickly! Quickly!
Mariya Ivanovna! How do you feel?
In the morning it was a bit bad,
I had some headache...
But now, it's better. The doctor gave me an injection, and all feels much better now
What injection and what doctor?
Well... This one... With the big face... Looks like Mickey Mouse
Ahamm... It means Lobanov is now giving injections on his own. Well OK.
Don't drink!
Not even a bit of vodka?
Well, Lobanov, Lobanov...
What did you inject into the granny?
Heee...?
I'm asking: what did you inject into the granny, you harm maker?!
Emmm... Verapamil...
And have you checked her medical records?!
No, what for?
She has allergies for Verapamil
So, and... What happened?
That's it! Anaphylactic shock. Your granny is gone
The old rag died in great convulsions
Congratulations! You opened up your own cemetery today, colleague!
Don't your blame yourself sweety. How could you know?
You simply wanted to help, but look how it turned out...
For... Forgive me! Gra-gra-granny...!
Stop killing yourself over it, I lived long enough already
And don't feel sorry for me
It is more difficult for you than me now
But don't worry. I won't tell anyone now, that
IT WAS YOUR FAULT!!!
YOURS!!!
I need the address of Mariya Ivanovna Andreyeva from Ward #5
Of Andreyeva?
Mariya Ivanovna.
Write it down
Why do you need it?
I have to apologize
I'm guilty
Maybe you... Emmm... Did you live near big factories? That produce fertilizers, cyclophosphates
or sodium silicate?
No!
No. Well... Alright, alright, another question then...
And are there many questions remaining?
Emmm... A lot... A lot...
Well, what's up?
Are you finished here?
What is this bullshit?!
What were you doing here for two hours?!
I was questioning the patient
You should've examined her a long time ago!
Take off your clothes
Calm down!
Stethoscope into you ears!
I can't
Why?
Well... Emmm...
Erecting muscle... of manhood... organ is... tense
For 2 hours?!
I'm impressed!
Let's go
And what about me?
And you, you are above any praise
Why were you so tense?! The job was worldly
There were so big... dugs
Yes, those dugs were really big, but you should act like a real doctor
And how do real doctors act in situations such as this?
Go to the showers, and let the steam out
How exactly?
Soften up
You mean...
Don't pick words, you know exactly what I mean!
And is this really allowed??
Of course!
This was proposed by Burdenko in the Russian-Turk company...
What shall I say...? I was there today... 4 times. Yes?
OK, go, go! Get in shape! And continue the examination!
Lyubov Mikhailovna!
What kind of a mess do you have in there?!
Why? What is there?
Go and have a look!
Heey! What the...?
I told you so! A mess!
To hell with this!
I had a lot of good stuff in my life in any case
I served 5 years on a nuclear submarine
We cruised around America... We were collecting intelligence all the time...
But they did not let me go to space
You are not suitable, you Kupitman
Well, because of my nationality I recon
Alright, Varya
Thank you
You helped me a lot
But let me do something else for you again!
Go
I have to be alone...
Remember those who I forgot...
I'll remember...
What kind of a person I am?!
And I'm not even ashamed...
Hey, Andrey Evgen'evich! Here you are!
And I'm running around the whole ward looking for you!
Humor me!
Everything's normal! The patient woke up, I questioned him. Can I go?
Woke up?
Well, yeah!
What's he sayin'?
Everything's normal he says!
No complaints, condition is satisfactory, clear consciousness. I'm going, yeah?
No, wait a second! We'll go together.
But where? Together?
What do you mean where? To the Ministry of Healthcare!
But what for?
They will give you a medal.
For what?
What do you mean what for?
You, by yourself, without any medications, pulled out a patient from coma
And after 3 months of lying in coma the patient has clear consciousness,
talks clearly, and does not have any complaints!
This is a medal!
Dr. Chernous! What happened?
Andrey Evgen'evich!
Why is everything so unfair?
Why such good people need to pass away?
He's only 40.
Who?
That patient that you gave me
That has only 2 day to live
Did he tell you this?
It was told to him by you! Don't you even remember?!
Oh, I remember now! And what kind of an illness does your patient have?
But I don't know.
Nobody knows!
And what does his medical record say?
I did not look at it
Doctors only believe in facts
You were required to look into his medical records
And the brain of a doctor should work in its entirety
And not only the tear ducts
So this means that he is not dying?!
Even better! He's not even a patient of ward!
Good evening, colleges!
Is that you?!
It is me, Varya
And this is for you. For the most humane doctor of this day.
Don't cry Varya. You saved the life of a human
But your supervisor, thanks to his caddish behaviour, refused
Enough of acting up! Let's go, we need to talk...
Don't touch me!!
Varya. You shouldn't be so trusting.
You should've at least check out my medical records!
I already told that! And these are my students anyway!
Thanks anyway, Varya...!
Let's remember my Vasiliy Stepanovich. May he rest is peace.
But the ambulance is all at fault! (NOTE: ambulance="rapid help" in russian)
It was called and called again!
And it never came...
Hello
Forgive me!
I'm guilty.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?! Hmm?!
Go, get the hell out of here, sinner!
And you call yourself "rapid"?! (NOTE: in this case it refers to ambulance)
Well?! Gentlemen quacksalvers?
Let's state some facts!
I'm reminding you: Those who get a grade 2, will remain for the night shift.
So, what do we have?
Doctor Levin was caught in the middle of a handwork in the showers
But you yourself told me...
I meant cold shower, but you made a different move! 2!
Dr. Chernous.
She personally took alcohol and cigarettes to a patient into the ward!
Bravo, doctor! 2!
Dr. Lobanov! He decided that he is most experienced
and sent a granny to the Other World. 3.
I'm kidding. 2!
Dr. Romanenko!
He was hurrying home so much, that he managed to question a patient in coma!
2!
And all this means, that you all will remain here for the night shift!
Asshole!
I completely agree! And psycho!
He's not acting nicely with us!
Oh yeah! I completely forgot to say:
Welcome! Hehe!
Good evening, doctor!
I'm back!
What do you mean you're back?!
I don't feel good there. I can't sleep there.
Subs by RPuskas