WEBVTT

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Where are you headed so early?

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What do you mean where?

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Over there...

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It's over, you see.

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It will be over when I say!
Discharge!

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What?

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That's how it's done!

00:00:53.497 --> 00:00:56.257
And you're saying that
"We're loosing him, we're loosing him!"

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Would you like some vitamins?

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Oh, yeah...

00:01:05.655 --> 00:01:07.085
Good morning, Andrey Evgen'evich!

00:01:07.208 --> 00:01:08.688
This is a matter of debate.

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The Chief Medical Officer (CMO) is asking for you.

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This phrase should be pronounced without a smile!

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Ehmm... Excuse me. I... ehmm...
it wasn't intentional.

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And please remind Anastasiya Konstantinovna,

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that I have ward rounds on Mondays.

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If she wants to talk with me, she should

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hospitalize herself to my ward

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Next time, I will do exactly that!

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Dr. Bykov, I have to talk with you!

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I have ward rounds!

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Starting today, 4 practitioners will join you.

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Nastya, you know that I am incapable of
finding common tongue with children.

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They are terrified of me and as a result
they pee themselves.

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Andrey Evgen'evich! First of all, not Nastya,
but Anastasiya Konstantinovna

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And second of all...

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I am the CMO, you know!

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Hi. How is doing with my favourite patient,


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from which there were no complaints in
the past 3 months?

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He is still in coma.

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Good! No, bad.

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So, administer additional 20 cm3 of piracetam,
and send some blood for biochemistry.

00:02:08.211 --> 00:02:09.209
OK.

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And for me: 0.5 dark ale and something to chew.

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What do you mean?

00:02:14.033 --> 00:02:16.188
You look like a beer merchant
in this coat.

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Put yourself in shape!

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Andrey, please. Take them.
I'm asking you like a mother.

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My son is in this group.

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Well, now I'm certain that I won't take them,

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because he is 50% made of you,
and that by itself is over the top.

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Good day. Andrey Evgen'evich,
can I go to the funeral?

00:02:41.346 --> 00:02:43.166
It's too early.
I'll let you know when it is time.

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My husband died, which is the reason
I appeared here at you.

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Oh, in that case, of course.

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Thanks.

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Dr. Bykov.
As of today, you have 4 practitioners,

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this is not negotiable, I'm telling you this
as the CMO to her subordinate.

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Trouble!

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Shave Nikolachov's regio inguinalis from ward #5

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He has surgical operation tomorrow.

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Be extremely delicate, as for men
of his age it is a shock.

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You could at least put on a mask or
something, as my eyes start to water

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Hi Andy, give me a bottle of cognac.

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From which point in life started venereologists
to ask for cognac from therapists?

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It is you who should be getting cognac
for the secrecy.

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Yes, we should, but I'm out of it,

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so give me a bottle of cognac, ASAP!

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Kupitman,
how many days have you been drinking?

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Third.

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And if you are sincere?

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12th

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When you are drinking, do you eat?

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Only some porridge.

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So you're not.

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No.

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Lyubov Mikhaylovna,
prepare ward #4 for Dr. Kupitman.

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20 cm3 of isotonic solution with ascorbic
acid, and 6 cm3 of Aminophylline
personally from me.

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Lyubov Mikhaylovna, I'm delaying that
order, I'm still a doctor.

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I'm prescribing 400 cognac perorally

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You're not a doctor,

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You, are an alcoholic!

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Bykov!

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Since you gave up on drinking,

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with you...

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It's impossible to talk with you!

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Exactly.

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Who is this?

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This is my headache!

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Cool!

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My name is Andrey Evgen'evich Bykov.

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I'm the chief of the Therapy Ward

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and the supervisor of your residentship.

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So guess please,
what am I displeased of about all this?

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I hypothesize, that you dislike being the supervisor
of our residentship,

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as it would be silly to assume that you
do not like the position of
chief practitioner of the ward.

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Family name...

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Boris Arkadyevich Levin, Red Diploma

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You will be my little favourite.

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I always liked such little dumb smugs.

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I look better with such people around me.

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Rule #1: Forget the color of your diplomas

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and the fact that there is the word
"doctor" written in it.

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It is a lie.
You do not know shit.

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What do you mean nothing?

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Your name?

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Semyon.

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Lobanov.
I've been working like hell since grade 1

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I have shitloads of experience!

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Thanks for the bright allegory.

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Rule #2:

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Before you start killing people, I forbid
to prescribe anything, give council,

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or touch my patients with your hands
without me allowing first.

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But for you, colleague, for the especially
experienced one,

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I allow you to empty all bedpans completely
independently, on your own.

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And what made you laugh Dr. Erhhh...

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Romanenko.

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You should've been informed by Anastasiya
Konstantinovna about me.

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Oh, yeah! The son of the CMO!

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And because of that, you gonna get an
especially intensive course of education.

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Well, it seems that's all.

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And what about me?

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And who are you?

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Dr. Varya Chernous

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Female doctor?

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It won't work.

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And what shall I do?

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Change your gender, and then come back.

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So. Every day you will get grades.

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Those who get 2, will also get the night shift.

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Go ahead zombies.

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You will get your first patients.

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The task is simple:


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Examine, interview, establish diagnose
and therapy.

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Then come back to me, report, disgrace,
listen to my indicative remarks

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and go away silently. Is that clear?

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Vetrova, Anna Vladimirovna.

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Hello.

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Hello.
Hello.

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She will be taken care of by today...

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Dr. Lenin!

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I'm Levin.

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Lenin suits you better. Heal!
All the others after me!

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Oops!

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I'm sorry, I'll clean up.
Excuse me...

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Hello.

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I'm Borya.

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Arkadyevich.

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Mariya Ivanovna Andreyeva.

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85 years old.

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She will be taken care of by Dr...

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Lobanov!

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Be careful, her blood pressure fluctuates.

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Let's go onward...

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I'm sorry!

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Well, granny, here's the doctor!

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Andrey Evgen'evich, do you have a minute?

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Sure!

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It seems we didn't come to terms

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and we started to dislike each other
right from the beginning.

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But I know how to fix this.

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Hmm, an intrigue!

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Let's do so that I will come later,
and you will let me go home earlier.

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This way, we will keep our unpleasant 
interactions with each other

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at a minimum necessary time.

00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:06.472
So you want to go home earlier?

00:08:07.231 --> 00:08:08.664
Well, I'm not against it.

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I have a patient exactly for you.

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Not even a patient, but simply a souvenir.

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Let's go!

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I'm entrusting you the most simple patient
in our ward.

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He's postsurgical,

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he should come to his senses after
the narcosis.

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Wait a second, but he is...

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Galya!

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Why didn't you change your coat already?
Go change!

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You'll wait until he wakes up,
you question him, and then you can go home.

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What? Simply question him?

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Yes! Simply question him.
Son of CMO.

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Thanks Andrey Evgen'evich.

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I knew, we will come to terms.

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Knock yourself out!

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I'm sorry!

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Andrey Evgen'evich!

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And who will you entrust me?

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You?

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I'm... I'm sorry!

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I'm sorry!

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I'm sorry!

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I decided to entrust you with the most
complicated patient of ours

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Nobody really knows what kind of
illness he has

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And our last hope remains to be...

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your fresh, unbiased point of view

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Thanks, Andrey Evgen'evich,
I won't let you down!

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Where in the hell did I sin that
much for this?!

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Before evening, doctor, small of the back
starts to feel strange

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legs are weak, before the rain
my knees start to hurt like hell

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and if I get full of cucumbers
before night...

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Granny, this is all... very interesting...

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On Friday, my side hurt sharply and
my back side was acting up

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Now! Where does it hurt exactly right now?

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Well, now... I have some headache

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Well, that's it granny, don't you worry,
we'll fix ya!

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We'll give you a nice shot of Verapamil,
and you'll run about like a young chick!

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This was the last item of the questionnaire,
let's get to the physical examination

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Emm, let me listen you

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Alright

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Huhhh!

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Is there something not alright?

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Everything is alright...
Simply... I... Simply... Emmm...

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Emmm... I didn't... finish with the questions

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Dre... Dress up or else... Emmm... Your big...
Emmm... A lot of questions remain for you!

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Emmm... Questions like... Emmm...

00:10:51.563 --> 00:10:58.101
Tell me please, emmm... you or your relatives,
emmm... did they have, emmm...


00:11:00.502 --> 00:11:02.931
Dengue Fever? Hmm??

00:11:05.661 --> 00:11:07.002
Are you feeling unwell?

00:11:07.964 --> 00:11:09.514
I'm dying, you know

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What do you mean, you're dying?

00:11:10.943 --> 00:11:12.725
In great agony

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Don't despair, maybe not everything is lost

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Meaning?

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I'll talk to Dr. Bykov and maybe he'll help
and you won't die

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So, you're from Dr. Bykov?

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Yes, this is my first day

00:11:29.526 --> 00:11:31.815
And maybe this one is my last...

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Your Bykov said this yesterday himself

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You have only 2 days left, Vanya

00:11:39.043 --> 00:11:40.572
You lived out your days already...

00:11:40.721 --> 00:11:42.339
But maybe I could help you somehow??

00:11:43.022 --> 00:11:46.358
I'm begging you, go get some cognac quickly!

00:11:46.855 --> 00:11:47.783
Go for cognac?!

00:11:51.189 --> 00:11:53.033
Alright, going for cognac!

00:11:53.206 --> 00:11:56.696
Here, here, it should be enough...

00:11:56.696 --> 00:11:58.123
Yes of course, I'll return in a moment!

00:11:58.123 --> 00:12:04.073
And some cigarettes, those thin types,
light ones... Quickly! Quickly!

00:12:11.243 --> 00:12:13.407
Mariya Ivanovna! How do you feel?

00:12:13.854 --> 00:12:16.090
In the morning it was a bit bad,

00:12:16.090 --> 00:12:18.010
I had some headache...

00:12:18.010 --> 00:12:23.805
But now, it's better. The doctor gave me
an injection, and all feels much better now

00:12:23.833 --> 00:12:25.720
What injection and what doctor?

00:12:25.893 --> 00:12:31.041
Well... This one... With the big face...
Looks like Mickey Mouse

00:12:31.085 --> 00:12:36.546
Ahamm... It means Lobanov is now giving
injections on his own. Well OK.

00:12:36.638 --> 00:12:37.436
Don't drink!

00:12:38.228 --> 00:12:39.587
Not even a bit of vodka?

00:12:42.610 --> 00:12:45.138
Well, Lobanov, Lobanov...

00:12:51.004 --> 00:12:52.284
What did you inject into the granny?

00:12:52.532 --> 00:12:53.217
Heee...?

00:12:53.458 --> 00:12:55.467
I'm asking: what did you inject into
the granny, you harm maker?!

00:12:55.707 --> 00:12:57.353
Emmm... Verapamil...

00:12:57.353 --> 00:12:59.199
And have you checked her medical records?!

00:12:59.336 --> 00:13:00.571
No, what for?

00:13:00.717 --> 00:13:02.275
She has allergies for Verapamil

00:13:02.285 --> 00:13:04.000
So, and... What happened?

00:13:04.218 --> 00:13:08.232
That's it! Anaphylactic shock.
Your granny is gone

00:13:08.472 --> 00:13:10.751
The old rag died in
great convulsions

00:13:11.161 --> 00:13:14.826
Congratulations! You opened up
your own cemetery today, colleague!

00:14:06.341 --> 00:14:09.068
Don't your blame yourself sweety.
How could you know?

00:14:09.068 --> 00:14:12.294
You simply wanted to help, but look how it
turned out...

00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:17.337
For... Forgive me! Gra-gra-granny...!

00:14:17.829 --> 00:14:21.034
Stop killing yourself over it, I lived long
enough already

00:14:21.083 --> 00:14:22.970
And don't feel sorry for me

00:14:23.004 --> 00:14:25.571
It is more difficult for you than me now

00:14:25.571 --> 00:14:30.031
But don't worry. I won't tell
anyone now, that

00:14:30.037 --> 00:14:32.219
IT WAS YOUR FAULT!!!

00:14:32.465 --> 00:14:34.376
YOURS!!!

00:14:59.763 --> 00:15:04.327
I need the address of Mariya Ivanovna
Andreyeva from Ward #5

00:15:05.574 --> 00:15:06.540
Of Andreyeva?

00:15:11.053 --> 00:15:16.213
Mariya Ivanovna. 

00:15:16.968 --> 00:15:17.760
Write it down

00:15:20.049 --> 00:15:21.213
Why do you need it?

00:15:22.369 --> 00:15:24.092
I have to apologize

00:15:25.189 --> 00:15:26.537
I'm guilty

00:15:28.404 --> 00:15:38.363
Maybe you... Emmm... Did you live near big
factories? That produce fertilizers, cyclophosphates

00:15:38.363 --> 00:15:39.393
or sodium silicate?

00:15:39.393 --> 00:15:40.089
No!

00:15:40.360 --> 00:15:43.889
No. Well...
Alright, alright, another question then...

00:15:44.309 --> 00:15:45.762
And are there many questions remaining?

00:15:46.203 --> 00:15:48.184
Emmm... A lot... A lot...

00:15:50.578 --> 00:15:51.993
Well, what's up?

00:15:52.787 --> 00:15:54.280
Are you finished here?

00:15:57.828 --> 00:15:59.523
What is this bullshit?!

00:15:59.523 --> 00:16:01.330
What were you doing here for two hours?!

00:16:01.819 --> 00:16:03.037
I was questioning the patient

00:16:03.762 --> 00:16:05.360
You should've examined her a long time ago!

00:16:05.751 --> 00:16:06.818
Take off your clothes

00:16:15.166 --> 00:16:16.144
Calm down!

00:16:16.144 --> 00:16:17.569
Stethoscope into you ears!

00:16:17.595 --> 00:16:18.461
I can't

00:16:18.739 --> 00:16:19.436
Why?

00:16:19.945 --> 00:16:22.131
Well... Emmm...

00:16:22.558 --> 00:16:29.004
Erecting muscle... of
manhood... organ is... tense

00:16:30.065 --> 00:16:31.506
For 2 hours?!

00:16:33.697 --> 00:16:34.766
I'm impressed!

00:16:34.766 --> 00:16:35.727
Let's go

00:16:35.876 --> 00:16:37.045
And what about me?

00:16:37.923 --> 00:16:40.192
And you, you are above any praise

00:16:42.990 --> 00:16:45.006
Why were you so tense?! The job was worldly

00:16:45.016 --> 00:16:47.791
There were so big... dugs

00:16:47.975 --> 00:16:51.710
Yes, those dugs were really big, but
you should act like a real doctor

00:16:51.860 --> 00:16:54.520
And how do real doctors act in
situations such as this?

00:16:55.208 --> 00:16:57.532
Go to the showers, and let the steam out

00:16:57.764 --> 00:16:58.350
How exactly?

00:16:58.380 --> 00:16:59.784
Soften up

00:17:00.053 --> 00:17:00.874
You mean...

00:17:00.966 --> 00:17:03.812
Don't pick words, you know exactly
what I mean!

00:17:04.055 --> 00:17:05.167
And is this really allowed??

00:17:05.167 --> 00:17:06.123
Of course!

00:17:06.123 --> 00:17:10.169
This was proposed by Burdenko in the
Russian-Turk company...

00:17:10.169 --> 00:17:13.820
What shall I say...?
I was there today... 4 times. Yes?

00:17:16.382 --> 00:17:20.744
OK, go, go! Get in shape!
And continue the examination!

00:17:31.033 --> 00:17:31.979
Lyubov Mikhailovna!

00:17:32.389 --> 00:17:34.404
What kind of a mess do you have in there?!

00:17:35.197 --> 00:17:35.887
Why? What is there?

00:17:35.887 --> 00:17:37.620
Go and have a look!

00:17:44.668 --> 00:17:46.846
Heey! What the...?

00:17:52.674 --> 00:17:54.539
I told you so! A mess!

00:18:13.178 --> 00:18:14.352
To hell with this!

00:18:14.793 --> 00:18:18.505
I had a lot of good stuff
in my life in any case

00:18:18.552 --> 00:18:21.693
I served 5 years on a nuclear submarine

00:18:21.753 --> 00:18:26.228
We cruised around America... We were
collecting intelligence all the time...

00:18:26.888 --> 00:18:28.989
But they did not let me go to space

00:18:29.834 --> 00:18:32.104
You are not suitable, you Kupitman

00:18:33.472 --> 00:18:35.936
Well, because of my nationality I recon

00:18:37.194 --> 00:18:38.434
Alright, Varya

00:18:40.077 --> 00:18:41.363
Thank you

00:18:46.072 --> 00:18:47.320
You helped me a lot

00:18:48.830 --> 00:18:51.060
But let me do something else for you again!

00:18:53.102 --> 00:18:53.873
Go

00:18:56.511 --> 00:18:58.437
I have to be alone...

00:18:59.097 --> 00:19:01.237
Remember those who I forgot...

00:19:02.813 --> 00:19:04.448
I'll remember...

00:19:16.344 --> 00:19:18.185
What kind of a person I am?!

00:19:20.921 --> 00:19:22.660
And I'm not even ashamed...

00:19:45.842 --> 00:19:48.791
Hey, Andrey Evgen'evich!
Here you are!

00:19:48.791 --> 00:19:51.173
And I'm running around the whole ward
looking for you!

00:19:51.173 --> 00:19:52.027
Humor me!

00:19:52.027 --> 00:19:55.743
Everything's normal! The patient woke up,
I questioned him. Can I go?

00:19:56.040 --> 00:19:56.842
Woke up?

00:19:56.842 --> 00:19:57.544
Well, yeah!

00:19:57.544 --> 00:19:58.394
What's he sayin'?

00:19:58.677 --> 00:19:59.804
Everything's normal he says!

00:19:59.883 --> 00:20:04.580
No complaints, condition is satisfactory,
clear consciousness. I'm going, yeah?

00:20:05.054 --> 00:20:08.710
No, wait a second! We'll go together.

00:20:09.334 --> 00:20:11.025
But where? Together?

00:20:11.025 --> 00:20:13.551
What do you mean where? To the
Ministry of Healthcare!

00:20:14.372 --> 00:20:16.311
But what for?

00:20:16.579 --> 00:20:18.039
They will give you a medal.

00:20:18.199 --> 00:20:19.135
For what?

00:20:19.649 --> 00:20:20.796
What do you mean what for?

00:20:20.796 --> 00:20:24.953
You, by yourself, without any medications,
pulled out a patient from coma

00:20:25.502 --> 00:20:29.199
And after 3 months of lying in coma the
patient has clear consciousness,

00:20:29.484 --> 00:20:32.716
talks clearly, 
and does not have any complaints!

00:20:33.248 --> 00:20:34.421
This is a medal!

00:20:39.802 --> 00:20:41.798
Dr. Chernous! What happened?

00:20:44.876 --> 00:20:46.073
Andrey Evgen'evich!

00:20:47.404 --> 00:20:48.947
Why is everything so unfair?

00:20:50.126 --> 00:20:52.683
Why such good people need to pass away?

00:20:54.452 --> 00:20:55.645
He's only 40.

00:20:56.310 --> 00:20:57.192
Who?

00:20:58.213 --> 00:21:00.039
That patient that you gave me

00:21:01.498 --> 00:21:03.021
That has only 2 day to live

00:21:03.613 --> 00:21:04.642
Did he tell you this?

00:21:05.767 --> 00:21:08.585
It was told to him by you!
Don't you even remember?!

00:21:09.233 --> 00:21:12.901
Oh, I remember now! And what kind of an
illness does your patient have?

00:21:13.084 --> 00:21:14.101
But I don't know.

00:21:14.236 --> 00:21:15.212
Nobody knows!

00:21:15.794 --> 00:21:17.958
And what does his medical record say?

00:21:18.136 --> 00:21:19.606
I did not look at it

00:21:19.854 --> 00:21:21.459
Doctors only believe in facts

00:21:21.805 --> 00:21:24.552
You were required to look into
his medical records

00:21:24.722 --> 00:21:28.495
And the brain of a doctor should
work in its entirety

00:21:28.495 --> 00:21:30.185
And not only the tear ducts

00:21:30.314 --> 00:21:31.710
So this means that he is not dying?!

00:21:32.100 --> 00:21:34.957
Even better! He's not even a
patient of ward!

00:21:37.289 --> 00:21:38.589
Good evening, colleges!

00:21:39.082 --> 00:21:39.956
Is that you?!

00:21:39.956 --> 00:21:40.926
It is me, Varya

00:21:42.033 --> 00:21:46.428
And this is for you. For the most humane
doctor of this day.

00:21:47.022 --> 00:21:49.786
Don't cry Varya. You saved the life of a human

00:21:50.020 --> 00:21:55.499
But your supervisor, thanks to his caddish
behaviour, refused

00:21:56.215 --> 00:21:58.280
Enough of acting up!
Let's go, we need to talk...

00:21:58.355 --> 00:21:59.261
Don't touch me!!

00:21:59.806 --> 00:22:02.021
Varya. You shouldn't be so trusting.

00:22:02.427 --> 00:22:05.812
You should've at least check out my
medical records!

00:22:06.149 --> 00:22:08.301
I already told that! And these are my
students anyway!

00:22:08.301 --> 00:22:09.981
Thanks anyway, Varya...!

00:22:11.283 --> 00:22:15.221
Let's remember my Vasiliy Stepanovich.
May he rest is peace.

00:22:17.331 --> 00:22:19.097
But the ambulance is all at fault!
(NOTE: ambulance="rapid help" in russian)

00:22:19.097 --> 00:22:21.338
It was called and called again!

00:22:21.338 --> 00:22:23.390
And it never came...

00:22:34.041 --> 00:22:35.097
Hello

00:22:39.215 --> 00:22:40.403
Forgive me!

00:22:41.042 --> 00:22:42.162
I'm guilty.

00:22:43.084 --> 00:22:44.752
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?! Hmm?!

00:22:47.254 --> 00:22:49.855
Go, get the hell out of here, sinner!

00:22:50.385 --> 00:22:53.495
And you call yourself "rapid"?!
(NOTE: in this case it refers to ambulance)

00:23:01.248 --> 00:23:03.553
Well?! Gentlemen quacksalvers?

00:23:03.651 --> 00:23:04.961
Let's state some facts!

00:23:04.961 --> 00:23:09.707
I'm reminding you: Those who get a grade 2,
will remain for the night shift.

00:23:10.562 --> 00:23:11.948
So, what do we have?

00:23:12.482 --> 00:23:16.197
Doctor Levin was caught in the middle of
a handwork in the showers

00:23:16.262 --> 00:23:17.392
But you yourself told me...

00:23:17.929 --> 00:23:22.204
I meant cold shower, but you made a
different move! 2!

00:23:23.528 --> 00:23:25.258
Dr. Chernous.

00:23:25.356 --> 00:23:29.434
She personally took alcohol and cigarettes
to a patient into the ward!

00:23:29.762 --> 00:23:31.858
Bravo, doctor!
2!

00:23:33.613 --> 00:23:37.014
Dr. Lobanov! He decided that he is most
experienced

00:23:37.152 --> 00:23:40.480
and sent a granny to the Other World.
3.

00:23:41.870 --> 00:23:43.181
I'm kidding. 2!

00:23:43.638 --> 00:23:45.063
Dr. Romanenko!

00:23:45.449 --> 00:23:50.239
He was hurrying home so much, that he
managed to question a patient in coma!

00:23:50.536 --> 00:23:51.239
2!

00:23:51.607 --> 00:23:57.046
And all this means, that you all will
remain here for the night shift!

00:24:02.111 --> 00:24:02.813
Asshole!

00:24:03.178 --> 00:24:05.163
I completely agree! 
And psycho!

00:24:05.300 --> 00:24:07.036
He's not acting nicely with us!

00:24:07.722 --> 00:24:09.536
Oh yeah!
I completely forgot to say:

00:24:10.478 --> 00:24:12.750
Welcome! Hehe!

00:24:35.932 --> 00:24:37.477
Good evening, doctor!

00:24:39.464 --> 00:24:40.756
I'm back!

00:24:42.305 --> 00:24:44.168
What do you mean you're back?!

00:24:44.497 --> 00:24:47.406
I don't feel good there.
I can't sleep there.

00:24:58.130 --> 00:25:00.108
Subs by RPuskas