-
What? A linguistic adventure. Go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
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'Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
-
(laughter)
-
You land in Scotland and they're going, "(mumbling in Scottish accent)"
-
(laughter)
-
- Oh yeah.
- Oh yeah! (mumbling in Scottish accent)
-
(mumbling in Scottish accent)
-
(laughter)
-
- Sure.
- Oh, fuck you, right!
-
(mumbing incoherently in Scottish accent)
-
- Sure!
- Oh, sure, you dumb fucking bastard!
-
(mumbling)
-
And you realize how drunk they get,
-
they could wear a skirt and not care!
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And how they could invent a sport like golf.
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(in Scottish accent) Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
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I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
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(speaking normally) Oh, you mean like pool?
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(scottish accent) FUCK OFF, POOL!
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Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick!
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(laughter)
-
I wack the ball, it goes into the gopher hole.
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(normally) Oh, you mean like croquet.
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(scottish) Fuck croquet!
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I put the hole hundreds of yards away!
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Oh, fuck yeah! It's great fun, eh?
-
Oh yeah, that's a great thing.
-
- (normally) Oh, it's like a bowling thing?
- FUCK NOO!
-
Not straight. I put shit in the way!
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Like trees and bushes and high grass,
-
so you can lose your fucking ball and go wacking away
-
with a fucking tire iron!
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Wackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like
-
you're gonna have a stroke! HA!
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Fuck! That's what we'll call it!
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A stroke, 'cause every time you miss,
-
you feel like you're gonna fucking die!
-
Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part.
-
Oh, fuck, this is brilliant!
-
Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece with a little flag
-
to give you fucking hope.
-
(laughter)
-
But then I'll put a pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again!
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Aye, you'll be there trashin' your ass,
-
jerkin' away in the sand! (cackles)
-
- (normally) Oh, and you do this one time?
- FUCK NO! 18 fucking times!
-
(laughter and applause)
-
Damn!
-
(in Scottish accent) That's my idea of a sport!
-
The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp
-
- and no one will care.
- (laughter)
-
Where you can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go,
-
"Oh, dear Christ!"
-
Those are loud! This is not Carnivale. What the fuck are you on?!
-
- Even the alligator's going, "Asshole."
- (laughter)
-
And it's such an exciting, athletic sport to wack the ball,
-
- get in the cart.
- (laughter)
-
Wack the ball, get in the cart.
-
And the commentary's electrifying.
-
Just a side of Curling for really getting me going.
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(whispering gently) We're on the third green now.
-
God, people be quiet. I would like to hear the grass grow.
-
(laughter)
-
I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
-
(laughter and applause)
-
The ball is coming...the ball is going to the--
-
HOOOOOOOLE!
-
Ai-yi-yi!
-
Just to see all those old waspy mother fuckers go,
-
"Oh dear Christ!
-
My god, they're not gardening. They're playing now. Oh, shit!
-
What the hell are we gonna do?"
-
'Cause that was their last domain of dominance.
-
It was their area. They were the king up until...Tiger.
-
- Yessss!
- (applause)
-
The son of a Black man and a Thai woman.
-
Not even a German Geneticist coulda topped that one off!
-
(laughter)
-
Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.
-
CHI TOOOY.
-
BOO DOIII.
-
Crouching Tiger. Hah hah!
-
And then he goes to the British Open, and he plays at Saint Andrews,
-
who fucking invented the sport.
-
And after the fouth round, he's 18 under par,
-
and there's only 18 fucking holes!
-
And all the old men are going, "Oh my god! We're doomed.
-
How did they learned to play? We wouldn't let him join. Dear god!"
-
And they start having nightmares of golf carts going,
-
(heavy bass rap music)
-
Yo, yo, yo! I'm playin' through, whether you're a gentile or a Jew!
-
- Pebble Beach, mother fucker!
- (laughter and applause)
-
[rip Robin Williams]
