WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000 What? A linguistic adventure. Go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 00:00:04.892 --> 00:00:07.072 'Cause you can't fucking understand them before. 00:00:07.072 --> 00:00:08.332 (laughter) 00:00:08.332 --> 00:00:11.312 You land in Scotland and they're going, "(mumbling in Scottish accent)" 00:00:11.352 --> 00:00:13.272 (laughter) 00:00:13.272 --> 00:00:16.142 - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah! (mumbling in Scottish accent) 00:00:16.602 --> 00:00:19.912 (mumbling in Scottish accent) 00:00:19.912 --> 00:00:21.202 (laughter) 00:00:21.202 --> 00:00:23.702 - Sure. - Oh, fuck you, right! 00:00:24.422 --> 00:00:28.332 (mumbing incoherently in Scottish accent) 00:00:28.592 --> 00:00:31.802 - Sure! - Oh, sure, you dumb fucking bastard! 00:00:32.082 --> 00:00:34.172 (mumbling) 00:00:35.162 --> 00:00:36.622 And you realize how drunk they get, 00:00:36.622 --> 00:00:38.972 they could wear a skirt and not care! 00:00:39.742 --> 00:00:42.622 And how they could invent a sport like golf. 00:00:43.607 --> 00:00:46.367 (in Scottish accent) Here's my idea for a fucking sport. 00:00:47.175 --> 00:00:49.705 I knock a ball in a gopher hole. 00:00:50.525 --> 00:00:51.764 (speaking normally) Oh, you mean like pool? 00:00:51.764 --> 00:00:53.414 (scottish accent) FUCK OFF, POOL! 00:00:53.454 --> 00:00:56.584 Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! 00:00:56.584 --> 00:00:57.744 (laughter) 00:00:57.744 --> 00:01:00.554 I wack the ball, it goes into the gopher hole. 00:01:01.244 --> 00:01:02.544 (normally) Oh, you mean like croquet. 00:01:02.544 --> 00:01:04.524 (scottish) Fuck croquet! 00:01:05.251 --> 00:01:08.321 I put the hole hundreds of yards away! 00:01:08.963 --> 00:01:13.353 Oh, fuck yeah! It's great fun, eh? 00:01:14.354 --> 00:01:16.424 Oh yeah, that's a great thing. 00:01:16.454 --> 00:01:19.424 - (normally) Oh, it's like a bowling thing? - FUCK NOO! 00:01:19.762 --> 00:01:22.282 Not straight. I put shit in the way! 00:01:23.129 --> 00:01:26.099 Like trees and bushes and high grass, 00:01:26.099 --> 00:01:29.289 so you can lose your fucking ball and go wacking away 00:01:29.289 --> 00:01:31.439 with a fucking tire iron! 00:01:31.809 --> 00:01:33.889 Wackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like 00:01:33.889 --> 00:01:36.009 you're gonna have a stroke! HA! 00:01:36.169 --> 00:01:38.619 Fuck! That's what we'll call it! 00:01:38.649 --> 00:01:40.299 A stroke, 'cause every time you miss, 00:01:40.299 --> 00:01:42.419 you feel like you're gonna fucking die! 00:01:43.483 --> 00:01:45.403 Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part. 00:01:45.403 --> 00:01:46.973 Oh, fuck, this is brilliant! 00:01:46.973 --> 00:01:50.213 Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece with a little flag 00:01:50.213 --> 00:01:51.873 to give you fucking hope. 00:01:51.873 --> 00:01:53.833 (laughter) 00:01:53.833 --> 00:01:58.403 But then I'll put a pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again! 00:01:59.333 --> 00:02:01.683 Aye, you'll be there trashin' your ass, 00:02:01.683 --> 00:02:04.453 jerkin' away in the sand! (cackles) 00:02:04.910 --> 00:02:11.350 - (normally) Oh, and you do this one time? - FUCK NO! 18 fucking times! 00:02:11.350 --> 00:02:16.040 (laughter and applause) 00:02:18.928 --> 00:02:20.398 Damn! 00:02:21.778 --> 00:02:24.178 (in Scottish accent) That's my idea of a sport! 00:02:24.891 --> 00:02:27.321 The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp 00:02:27.321 --> 00:02:29.471 - and no one will care. - (laughter) 00:02:29.666 --> 00:02:32.126 Where you can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go, 00:02:32.126 --> 00:02:33.986 "Oh, dear Christ!" 00:02:34.816 --> 00:02:38.726 Those are loud! This is not Carnivale. What the fuck are you on?! 00:02:39.364 --> 00:02:43.294 - Even the alligator's going, "Asshole." - (laughter) 00:02:43.762 --> 00:02:47.412 And it's such an exciting, athletic sport to wack the ball, 00:02:47.412 --> 00:02:49.892 - get in the cart. - (laughter) 00:02:49.892 --> 00:02:51.852 Wack the ball, get in the cart. 00:02:52.424 --> 00:02:54.674 And the commentary's electrifying. 00:02:55.073 --> 00:02:57.753 Just a side of Curling for really getting me going. 00:02:58.801 --> 00:03:00.851 (whispering gently) We're on the third green now. 00:03:02.151 --> 00:03:04.491 God, people be quiet. I would like to hear the grass grow. 00:03:04.491 --> 00:03:06.761 (laughter) 00:03:06.761 --> 00:03:09.861 I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. 00:03:09.861 --> 00:03:13.161 (laughter and applause) 00:03:13.161 --> 00:03:15.671 The ball is coming...the ball is going to the-- 00:03:16.131 --> 00:03:23.251 HOOOOOOOLE! 00:03:24.016 --> 00:03:26.106 Ai-yi-yi! 00:03:26.466 --> 00:03:28.686 Just to see all those old waspy mother fuckers go, 00:03:28.686 --> 00:03:30.476 "Oh dear Christ! 00:03:31.206 --> 00:03:34.446 My god, they're not gardening. They're playing now. Oh, shit! 00:03:35.145 --> 00:03:36.375 What the hell are we gonna do?" 00:03:36.375 --> 00:03:39.035 'Cause that was their last domain of dominance. 00:03:39.145 --> 00:03:44.494 It was their area. They were the king up until...Tiger. 00:03:44.709 --> 00:03:47.999 - Yessss! - (applause) 00:03:47.999 --> 00:03:50.259 The son of a Black man and a Thai woman. 00:03:50.259 --> 00:03:52.919 Not even a German Geneticist coulda topped that one off! 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:54.489 (laughter) 00:03:54.489 --> 00:03:57.289 Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. 00:03:57.289 --> 00:03:59.539 CHI TOOOY. 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:02.269 BOO DOIII. 00:04:02.589 --> 00:04:04.819 Crouching Tiger. Hah hah! 00:04:04.989 --> 00:04:09.686 And then he goes to the British Open, and he plays at Saint Andrews, 00:04:09.796 --> 00:04:11.616 who fucking invented the sport. 00:04:11.736 --> 00:04:14.536 And after the fouth round, he's 18 under par, 00:04:14.656 --> 00:04:17.616 and there's only 18 fucking holes! 00:04:17.736 --> 00:04:21.716 And all the old men are going, "Oh my god! We're doomed. 00:04:21.816 --> 00:04:25.536 How did they learned to play? We wouldn't let him join. Dear god!" 00:04:26.351 --> 00:04:28.661 And they start having nightmares of golf carts going, 00:04:28.661 --> 00:04:32.742 (heavy bass rap music) 00:04:32.872 --> 00:04:36.792 Yo, yo, yo! I'm playin' through, whether you're a gentile or a Jew! 00:04:36.982 --> 00:04:42.272 - Pebble Beach, mother fucker! - (laughter and applause) 00:04:45.290 --> 00:04:48.000 [rip Robin Williams]