0:00:00.000,0:00:04.000 What? A linguistic adventure. Go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 0:00:04.892,0:00:07.072 'Cause you can't fucking understand them before. 0:00:07.072,0:00:08.332 (laughter) 0:00:08.332,0:00:11.312 You land in Scotland and they're going, "(mumbling in Scottish accent)" 0:00:11.352,0:00:13.272 (laughter) 0:00:13.272,0:00:16.142 - Oh yeah.[br]- Oh yeah! (mumbling in Scottish accent) 0:00:16.602,0:00:19.912 (mumbling in Scottish accent) 0:00:19.912,0:00:21.202 (laughter) 0:00:21.202,0:00:23.702 - Sure.[br]- Oh, fuck you, right! 0:00:24.422,0:00:28.332 (mumbing incoherently in Scottish accent) 0:00:28.592,0:00:31.802 - Sure![br]- Oh, sure, you dumb fucking bastard! 0:00:32.082,0:00:34.172 (mumbling) 0:00:35.162,0:00:36.622 And you realize how drunk they get, 0:00:36.622,0:00:38.972 they could wear a skirt and not care! 0:00:39.742,0:00:42.622 And how they could invent a sport like golf. 0:00:43.607,0:00:46.367 (in Scottish accent) Here's my idea for a fucking sport. 0:00:47.175,0:00:49.705 I knock a ball in a gopher hole. 0:00:50.525,0:00:51.764 (speaking normally) Oh, you mean like pool? 0:00:51.764,0:00:53.414 (scottish accent) FUCK OFF, POOL! 0:00:53.454,0:00:56.584 Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! 0:00:56.584,0:00:57.744 (laughter) 0:00:57.744,0:01:00.554 I wack the ball, it goes into the gopher hole. 0:01:01.244,0:01:02.544 (normally) Oh, you mean like croquet. 0:01:02.544,0:01:04.524 (scottish) Fuck croquet! 0:01:05.251,0:01:08.321 I put the hole hundreds of yards away! 0:01:08.963,0:01:13.353 Oh, fuck yeah! It's great fun, eh? 0:01:14.354,0:01:16.424 Oh yeah, that's a great thing. 0:01:16.454,0:01:19.424 - (normally) Oh, it's like a bowling thing?[br]- FUCK NOO! 0:01:19.762,0:01:22.282 Not straight. I put shit in the way! 0:01:23.129,0:01:26.099 Like trees and bushes and high grass, 0:01:26.099,0:01:29.289 so you can lose your fucking ball and go wacking away 0:01:29.289,0:01:31.439 with a fucking tire iron! 0:01:31.809,0:01:33.889 Wackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like 0:01:33.889,0:01:36.009 you're gonna have a stroke! HA! 0:01:36.169,0:01:38.619 Fuck! That's what we'll call it! 0:01:38.649,0:01:40.299 A stroke, 'cause every time you miss, 0:01:40.299,0:01:42.419 you feel like you're gonna fucking die! 0:01:43.483,0:01:45.403 Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part. 0:01:45.403,0:01:46.973 Oh, fuck, this is brilliant! 0:01:46.973,0:01:50.213 Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece with a little flag 0:01:50.213,0:01:51.873 to give you fucking hope. 0:01:51.873,0:01:53.833 (laughter) 0:01:53.833,0:01:58.403 But then I'll put a pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again! 0:01:59.333,0:02:01.683 Aye, you'll be there trashin' your ass, 0:02:01.683,0:02:04.453 jerkin' away in the sand! (cackles) 0:02:04.910,0:02:11.350 - (normally) Oh, and you do this one time?[br]- FUCK NO! 18 fucking times! 0:02:11.350,0:02:16.040 (laughter and applause) 0:02:18.928,0:02:20.398 Damn! 0:02:21.778,0:02:24.178 (in Scottish accent) That's my idea of a sport! 0:02:24.891,0:02:27.321 The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp 0:02:27.321,0:02:29.471 - and no one will care.[br]- (laughter) 0:02:29.666,0:02:32.126 Where you can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go, 0:02:32.126,0:02:33.986 "Oh, dear Christ!" 0:02:34.816,0:02:38.726 Those are loud! This is not Carnivale. What the fuck are you on?! 0:02:39.364,0:02:43.294 - Even the alligator's going, "Asshole."[br]- (laughter) 0:02:43.762,0:02:47.412 And it's such an exciting, athletic sport to wack the ball, 0:02:47.412,0:02:49.892 - get in the cart.[br]- (laughter) 0:02:49.892,0:02:51.852 Wack the ball, get in the cart. 0:02:52.424,0:02:54.674 And the commentary's electrifying. 0:02:55.073,0:02:57.753 Just a side of Curling for really getting me going. 0:02:58.801,0:03:00.851 (whispering gently) We're on the third green now. 0:03:02.151,0:03:04.491 God, people be quiet. I would like to hear the grass grow. 0:03:04.491,0:03:06.761 (laughter) 0:03:06.761,0:03:09.861 I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. 0:03:09.861,0:03:13.161 (laughter and applause) 0:03:13.161,0:03:15.671 The ball is coming...the ball is going to the-- 0:03:16.131,0:03:23.251 HOOOOOOOLE! 0:03:24.016,0:03:26.106 Ai-yi-yi! 0:03:26.466,0:03:28.686 Just to see all those old waspy mother fuckers go, 0:03:28.686,0:03:30.476 "Oh dear Christ! 0:03:31.206,0:03:34.446 My god, they're not gardening. They're playing now. Oh, shit! 0:03:35.145,0:03:36.375 What the hell are we gonna do?" 0:03:36.375,0:03:39.035 'Cause that was their last domain of dominance. 0:03:39.145,0:03:44.494 It was their area. They were the king up until...Tiger. 0:03:44.709,0:03:47.999 - Yessss![br]- (applause) 0:03:47.999,0:03:50.259 The son of a Black man and a Thai woman. 0:03:50.259,0:03:52.919 Not even a German Geneticist coulda topped that one off! 0:03:52.919,0:03:54.489 (laughter) 0:03:54.489,0:03:57.289 Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. 0:03:57.289,0:03:59.539 CHI TOOOY. 0:04:00.039,0:04:02.269 BOO DOIII. 0:04:02.589,0:04:04.819 Crouching Tiger. Hah hah! 0:04:04.989,0:04:09.686 And then he goes to the British Open, and he plays at Saint Andrews, 0:04:09.796,0:04:11.616 who fucking invented the sport. 0:04:11.736,0:04:14.536 And after the fouth round, he's 18 under par, 0:04:14.656,0:04:17.616 and there's only 18 fucking holes! 0:04:17.736,0:04:21.716 And all the old men are going, "Oh my god! We're doomed. 0:04:21.816,0:04:25.536 How did they learned to play? We wouldn't let him join. Dear god!" 0:04:26.351,0:04:28.661 And they start having nightmares of golf carts going, 0:04:28.661,0:04:32.742 (heavy bass rap music) 0:04:32.872,0:04:36.792 Yo, yo, yo! I'm playin' through, whether you're a gentile or a Jew! 0:04:36.982,0:04:42.272 - Pebble Beach, mother fucker![br]- (laughter and applause) 0:04:45.290,0:04:48.000 [rip Robin Williams]