What? A linguistic adventure. Go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
'Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
(laughter)
You land in Scotland and they're going, "(mumbling in Scottish accent)"
(laughter)
- Oh yeah. - Oh yeah! (mumbling in Scottish accent)
(mumbling in Scottish accent)
(laughter)
- Sure. - Oh, fuck you, right!
(mumbing incoherently in Scottish accent)
- Sure! - Oh, sure, you dumb fucking bastard!
(mumbling)
And you realize how drunk they get,
they could wear a skirt and not care!
And how they could invent a sport like golf.
(in Scottish accent) Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
(speaking normally) Oh, you mean like pool?
(scottish accent) FUCK OFF, POOL!
Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick!
(laughter)
I wack the ball, it goes into the gopher hole.
(normally) Oh, you mean like croquet.
(scottish) Fuck croquet!
I put the hole hundreds of yards away!
Oh, fuck yeah! It's great fun, eh?
Oh yeah, that's a great thing.
- (normally) Oh, it's like a bowling thing? - FUCK NOO!
Not straight. I put shit in the way!
Like trees and bushes and high grass,
so you can lose your fucking ball and go wacking away
with a fucking tire iron!
Wackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like
you're gonna have a stroke! HA!
Fuck! That's what we'll call it!
A stroke, 'cause every time you miss,
you feel like you're gonna fucking die!
Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part.
Oh, fuck, this is brilliant!
Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece with a little flag
to give you fucking hope.
(laughter)
But then I'll put a pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again!
Aye, you'll be there trashin' your ass,
jerkin' away in the sand! (cackles)
- (normally) Oh, and you do this one time? - FUCK NO! 18 fucking times!
(laughter and applause)
Damn!
(in Scottish accent) That's my idea of a sport!
The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp
- and no one will care. - (laughter)
Where you can wear clothes that even a blind gay man would go,
"Oh, dear Christ!"
Those are loud! This is not Carnivale. What the fuck are you on?!
- Even the alligator's going, "Asshole." - (laughter)
And it's such an exciting, athletic sport to wack the ball,
- get in the cart. - (laughter)
Wack the ball, get in the cart.
And the commentary's electrifying.
Just a side of Curling for really getting me going.
(whispering gently) We're on the third green now.
God, people be quiet. I would like to hear the grass grow.
(laughter)
I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
(laughter and applause)
The ball is coming...the ball is going to the--
HOOOOOOOLE!
Ai-yi-yi!
Just to see all those old waspy mother fuckers go,
"Oh dear Christ!
My god, they're not gardening. They're playing now. Oh, shit!
What the hell are we gonna do?"
'Cause that was their last domain of dominance.
It was their area. They were the king up until...Tiger.
- Yessss! - (applause)
The son of a Black man and a Thai woman.
Not even a German Geneticist coulda topped that one off!
(laughter)
Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.
CHI TOOOY.
BOO DOIII.
Crouching Tiger. Hah hah!
And then he goes to the British Open, and he plays at Saint Andrews,
who fucking invented the sport.
And after the fouth round, he's 18 under par,
and there's only 18 fucking holes!
And all the old men are going, "Oh my god! We're doomed.
How did they learned to play? We wouldn't let him join. Dear god!"
And they start having nightmares of golf carts going,
(heavy bass rap music)
Yo, yo, yo! I'm playin' through, whether you're a gentile or a Jew!
- Pebble Beach, mother fucker! - (laughter and applause)
[rip Robin Williams]