I Tried Anti-Aging TikToks

Folks

You guys ever think about how every
passing second brings us just a little bit

closer to death?
Yeah, me neither.

I feel like I say this all the time, but I
just turned 30 and I'll be honest,

I'm feeling it. I remember being a kid and
hearing my dad complain about his

back pain, and then in my head I was like,
'damn, that must suck. Good thing it's

never gonna happen to me though!'
But alas! Here I am!

If I sleep incorrectly, I have to take an
Advil. Last summer I rode a roller coaster

and I had a headache for a week.
I'm being slowly dragged to hell and I can

feel it. But aging is a part of life, ok?
It's inevitable. We're all aging all the

time, that's quite literally how the human
body works. But for as long as us humans

have been around, we have been trying to
fight this natural decay that we all

experience. And anti-aging content has
been around for a while, but lately I've

seen an increase in popularity of anti-
aging products and techniques on TikTok

specifically and I thought it'd be fun if
we took a look at them today.

I should say I haven't seen a lot
personally because my For You page is

all the way cooked. It's fuckin' burnt to
a crisp.

But my wife has seen a lot of these videos
she's actually the one who gave me this

video idea. So everybody say thank you
Jenna on three. One two three

Thank you, Jenna!

So first off, I think that it's important
that we talk about the history of

anti-aging products and techniques because
the concept of anti-aging in itself is

very old and wrinkly, gross, yuck.

Even dating all the way back to 69 BCE,
hilarious year by the way.

In the year 69 BCE, Cleopatra apparently
took daily baths in donkey milk in order

to maintain a youthful look.
Now I know why the dragon from Shrek looks

so young. It's all that donkey milk.

And in the year 1513, Juan Ponce de Léon
risked his life and set off on a journey

to find the fabled fountain of youth.
A spring that was said to provide eternal

life. He never actually found the fountain
of youth, but what he found was even

better.

Florida.

And that is real. He went out to find the
fountain of youth and he found the fucking

opposite. Florida. That is the opposite of
the fountain of youth. Because most people

down there look like an old leather couch.
People from Florida, their skin looks like

a black metal band's logo. And there's
tons of stories like this throughout

history. Apparently Elizabethan women
placed thin slices of raw meat directly on

their face. I'm sure their husbands were
pretty stoked on that.

But one of the first anti-aging products
ever was released to the public in 1889

and they were called Frownies. These were
like little adhesive patches that hold

your skin tight so you don't develop
wrinkles. And the origin story of this

product is pretty interesting. So the
inventor of Frownies apparently noticed

some frown lines on her daughter and she
immediately got to work on a product that

could fix her daughter's wrinkly fucked up
face. Gosh I wonder why her daughter was

frowning so much in the first place, you
know? Guess we'll never know.

And since the release of Frownies in 1889,
the anti-aging world has grown

exponentially. There's anti-aging creams,
lotions, pillows, supplements, diets,

procedures, you can pretty much sell
anything you want to people if you just

tell them it will make them look younger.
That being said, buying tickets to my

shows, and also buying my merch will
actually make you look 10 years younger.

It's crazy. It's also not lost on me that
like 99% of anti-aging products and

procedures are marketed directly towards
women. You know, in this patriarchal

society we live in,
cause we do live in a society.

From an early age the pressure and, like,
proposed importance of maintaining a

youthful image is absolutely drilled into
girls' brains through various forms of

media and marketing.
There's this fucked up idea that, like,

women's most valuable asset is their youth
which is, number one, incorrect and two,

weird as fuck. It's like when you hear
people talk about an older celebrity and

they're like, 'wow she looks so nice for
her age!'

And it's like, yeah I don't know if you
needed those last three words.

You could just say someone looks good,
you know?

It's crazy cause it's kind of the opposite
for dudes. We've kind of, like, tricked

the world into thinking that men get more
attractive as they age.

And don't get me wrong, that is true for
some dudes, but most old guys?

Uhhh? Woof.

If you think dudes get hotter with age,
you take a trip down to the fountain of

death. AKA Florida. And you'll see what
most old men look like.

But I've never personally felt the, like,
societal pressure to hold onto my youth as

a man.

"I'm a man."

But it happens all the time with girls
and it's still happening today.

"Here's some things that I do to slow down
the aging process as a 14 year old.

I started doing most of these things at
12. Number one, I take two apple cider

vinegar pills, I do this twice a day.
Number two, I use a retinol twice a day.

Next is, I love Korean skincare and I do
two face masks a day."

Call me crazy but I think a literal child
having an anti-aging routine

is a little dystopian. Because it's like
you're already young. Why are you doing an

anti-aging video? That's like if you saw a
TikTok of Jeff Bezos and he was like,

'This is how I have fun on a budget.'

It's like, dude, you don't need to worry
about that, man.

And look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell
you what procedures not to get or what

products not to use. It's your body, your
decision. But I just hope with people who

are doing these anti-aging procedures and
stuff, I just hope they're doing it for

the right reason.
And again, I'm not smart.

If you want a deep, insightful commentary
on this topic, or fucking any topic,

you're at the wrong- you're watching the
wrong guy. You got the wrong guy.

But I guess anti-aging, you know,
it's not inherently bad, but with every

other fucking thing on this planet, some
people are taking it a little too far.

And I thought it'd be interesting to
actually try out some of these anti-aging

techniques / products and see if they have
any actual effect. But first, we have to

actually find out how to reverse my age.
So I think we need to go to the most

reliable place on the internet to find
well-documented, peer-reviewed information

on this subject.

Tiktok!

"You're not ugly or old, but your inner
dialog might be. If you want the ultimate

glow-up, you won't find it in a bottle,
but in the power of positive affirmations"

Ding ding ding! You said the magic word!

"Start speaking and thinking youthful
thoughts." Okay...

"Because your thoughts shape your reality"

Positive affirmations, manifesting, that's
a classic with this type of shit.

Manifesting was a huge part of the video
where I did, where I took a vision healing

masterclass, so I'm pretty familiar with
the concept, alright? This ain't my first

rodeo. And hey, if it works for you,
that's wicked.

But the thing I'm confused about,
she tells people to 'think and speak

youthful thoughts'.

"Start speaking and thinking youthful
thoughts."

What, what is that? What even is a
youthful thought?

'Woah, he's so deep in thought
I wonder what he's thinking about.'

'Just a widdle baby. I make boom boom in
my dipey and I miss my mommy. I wuv

Cocomelon so much.'

'Oh my god, what's that smell?
Dude, did you shit yourself?'

So this creator actually sells the exact
affirmations you need to say on her

website for $10, but I unfortunately can't
buy those cause I'm just a little baby

with no money.

So I found a video on YouTube called
Age Reversal Affirmations.

"Rekindle your spirit and ignite the
passion with these reverse aging

affirmations. Listen or repeat them for at
least 21 days in a row."

21 days in a row? What the f-
Dude, no sleeping, no eating,

no exercising, no doing any of the things
that will, like, keep you healthy

and also maintain a youthful appearance

Fuck all that.

You just sit in your fuckin' affirmations
cave for three weeks straight.

Imagine I walk out of my office 21 days
later fuckin' sunken in eyes and stuff

you can see my bones

'I've never felt so young!'

Okay, so let's see what these affirmations
are.

"I have the spirit of a young."
I have the spirit of a young.

"I am glowing."
I am glowing.

"My bones and veins are in the best shape"
My bones- my bones and veins are in the

best shape.
Just my bones and veins though,

everything else sucks.

I can't really tell if these worked or not
because I haven't done them for three

weeks straight, but I don't know, I can
already feel like I have the spirit of a

young. The comments on this video are
really interesting too.

And it's like, cool. Good for these people
right? If that's what they wanna look like

Like, personally, why would you wanna look
18 forever? That is a nightmare.

This was me at 18.

If I still looked like this, I would be a
Batman villain, dude. I'd be fucking crazy

I'd be so mad all the time.
Dude I'd be running around Gotham fuckin'

poppin' zits on people and shit,
and I could fly because I'm, like, my-

all my backne is popping so much
all the pus coming out, the force of all

my back zits popping just-

Sorry, moving on from that horrifying
picture of 18-year-old me

So we know there's a lot of products and
procedures that exist out there to slow

the aging process. But
even that's not enough for some people.

One man in particular is going to extreme
lengths to not just slow the aging process

but reverse it entirely.
And his name is Bryan Johnson.

I wish his last name was Griffin.
That'd be so savage.

So this Bryan Johnson guy is a Mormon
entrepreneur and venture capitalist from

Utah.

I know, pretty crazy, a Mormon from Utah?
Now I have seen everything.

And I'm sure some of you have probably
seen this guy around the internet talking

about his age reversal endeavours, but the
shit he does is pretty fuckin' insane

in my personal opinion.

I watched his full morning routine and it
is wild.

"I just woke up-"

I'm not gonna play the whole thing cause
it's pretty lengthy, but I'll do a quick

run through.

He stars off his morning by taking his
temperature. He then stands in front of a

light that imitates sunlight because he
wakes up before the sun rises of course.

He then takes iron and vitamin C, he then
weighs himself every morning by the way

and not just his body weight.

"Weight, BMI, fat, muscle, visceral fat,
water, bone, heart rate and EBA.

It also gives me the air quality in the
area."

Dude, I will go to the greatest lengths to
not weigh myself. This guy does it every

morning. Fuckin respect. Because for me,
that is fucking torture, dude.

Nah, maybe torture is a strong word. I can
imagine a Saw trap that's like

"Stand on the scale, or die."

Bryan then does five minutes of blue light
therapy, he then does a meditation,

some weird vibrator thing that he never
really explains fully. He puts in eyedrops

and then he prepares his daily pills.
And this has gotta be the craziest shit I

have ever seen. Think of how many pills
he's gonna have.

It's more than that.

I don't know how many pills are in here,
I think last time we recorded it was

something like over 50, maybe 60.
That looks like a lot more, I'm not sure

what's going on here."

50 to 60 pills every day? Buddy swallows a
fuckin' entire pharmacy every morning dude

That is wild, he's gotta tone it down.
I think Bryan's gotta incorporate a couple

of chill pills in there as well because
Jesus Christ man.

But Bryan still isn't done. He now puts
red light on his head to prevent hair loss

and if red light prevents hair loss, looks
like I'm keeping mine forever.

Sometimes when I'm driving, I hit so many
red lights.

Then he preps his food for the day.

"This is what I'm gonna eat after we work
out. Yeah, overall it's a lot of

vegetables every month. It's over
50 pounds, I think."

I hate to break it to you man, but that's
shit from a butt.

"I know people look at it and they say
it's green goop and they like to make fun

of it."

Of course I'm gonna make fun of it, dude.
That looks like baby shit, what the fuck?

I found out this guy has a son too. That's
gotta suck to have this guy as a dad.

'Sorry son, you're grounded.'

'Eat shit, dad.'

'I do.'

He's still not done by the way. He then
prepares his second meal of the day which

he calls nutty pudding
"Nutty pudding-"

which is like a protein powder that he
actually sells on his website.

Maybe it's called that because you gotta
be a little nutty if you're gonna be

'pudding' that into your body.

And would you believe me if I told you
his morning routine still isn't done?

No it's not!

We're like fuckin' halfway through it dude
by the time this morning routine is done

he's gonna have to start his bedtime
routine. Because Jesus this is taking all

fuckin' day.

So after making his poop and sand, he does
a quick workout and then he finally eats

his breakfast. That honestly seems like so
much work compared to my morning routine.

My entire morning routine can be summed up
with the first two words of Chop Suey by

System of a Down.

"Wake up-"

That's it man, that's it. I'm awake.
And that's the thing, it's wild seeing

morning routines like this because, like,
who is this for? I made this point in my

Living Like a Billionaire for a Week video
but like 99% of people do not have the

time to do this shit when they wake up.
He says in this video that his morning

routine can take up to four hours.

"My morning routine is about three to four
hours, it varies on any given day

sometimes I go-"
Too long.

This is just not realistic to normal
people. But honestly, I don't know why

I'm getting so hung up on this guy, like
who even cares what this guy has to say

anyway? He doesn't even have the erection
of an 18-year-old.

Uh, yeah. I feel like even a manicurist
would say that's the grossest thumbnail

they've ever seen. What the fuck is that.
I also found this really interesting video

of Bryan Johnson. He's using yet some
other fuckin' crazy contraption to make

himself younger.

"Today I'm going to show you the machine I
use that allows me to do the equivalent of

20,000 sit-ups in 30 minutes time.
I've set the machine to 100% and 15 so

it's the max level. This is definitely not
something you wanns start with

what it feels like is, it's pulling your
entire stomach out. Like ripping it out.

Strap it on-"

Imagine he starts the machine and it's
just like, 'aaaah! It hurts, it hurts!

Kill me! Just kill me, put me out of my
misery, aaaah!'

Exercise complete

Alright, now if you guys want one of these
hit the link in my bio.

Also, like a part of his face is like
discoloured in this, it's like yellow.

His face is like yellow in this video.
I don't know if that's healthy, right?

Is he going through the new experimental
Simpsons treatment?

So yeah, this Bryan Johnson guy is like
the final boss of anti-aging

but I don't think I'm ready to experience
that just yet, I gotta work my way up

right?
And I think I found the perfect person.

His name is Brandon Miles May, or
@brandonskincare

and he has been getting pretty popular on
TikTok recently and here's why.

"I'm 35 and many people ask me if I don't
smile or laugh to prevent fine lines and

wrinkles. And it's not true, I do laugh
and I do smile. This is how I laugh

without using Botox and for preventing
fine lines and wrinkles. Ahaha, ahaha!"

Yeah, so he's obviously doing a bit in
this video, but this guy is allegedly 35

years old. For someone who looks that
young, I'd assume he would have like a

fucking Jimmy Neutron-sized head
because his head's gotta be full of

youthful thoughts.

When I first saw this video, I felt like I
was being, like, possessed by a far right

conservative because all I wanted to
comment was, 'show me your birth

certificate.' Because I just couldn't
fucking believe it, honestly still kinda

don't believe it, but that is the story
he's sticking with, so that's great.

He takes this shit pretty serious so, you
know what? Sure. He's 35.

This guy is five years older than me.

And Brandon's entire internet persona is
based around anti-aging.

He eats food for the sole purpose of
anti-aging. Same as his skincare routine.

Even his clothing helps him stay young.

"Anti-aging outfit of the day!
Are you ready for this?"

"So today is really warm, so it's pretty
basic. I have a UPF 50 hoodie on

right here this is- has the thumb holes
for the backs of the hands, but I can also

use this to protect the sides of my face,
I have my big sunglasses on to protect

like pretty much half of my face,
I have a UPF 50 cap that has a long bill

I'm wearing J.Crew shorts and sunscreen on
my legs."

If you can tell, any clothing that Brandon
wears it, uh, it protects him from the sun

because according to him the sun is the
main contributor to the aging of the skin.

"I just practice safe sun protective
behaviours because the sun contributes

up to 90% of the skin's visible signs of
aging."

And he's not wrong. the sun is incredibly
dangerous for your skin if you don't

protect yourself. So he wears clothing
that is UPF 50, and that stands for

Ultraviolet Protection Factor.

And apparently UPF 50 clothing blocks 98%
of the sun's rays.

This guy would probably still be a fuckin'
baby if it blocked 100%.

I gotta say though, including the
sunscreen in the fit check-

"And sunscreen on my legs-"

That's genuinely one of the funniest
things I've ever seen.

People gotta start getting like super
specific like that in those like

'walk me through your fit' videos.

"Alright, walk me through your fit."

"Alright well first off I got the toupee
on my head, Gucci t-shirts,

swollen nipples from when my older brother
purple nurpled me this morning,

Dolce & Gabbana jeans, preparation H on my
haemorrhoid, herpes medication on my

wiener and I got the Prada shoes with my
ankle monitor from my house arrest."

"House arrest?"

"Police! Get your hands up,
get down on the ground!"

"Also just copped a taser in the back."

And this is all well and good, but I feel
like at a certain point it's like kind of

impossible to avoid the sun. And also like
why would you rob yourself of that joy?

There's like no better feeling than having
the sun on your face.

Like what about when you're driving,
what are you gonna do then?

Maybe like, you know those sun blockers
that people put on their car windows when

they park their car?

I imagine Brandon just has that over his
windshield at all times, just absolutely

mowing people down, can't see shit...

Sorry, let's get back to Brandon,
let's see what kind of food he's eating so

he can keep that youthful glow.

"Here's what I'm eating for dinner tonight
for the purposes of anti-aging.

This is steamed broccoli and steamed bell
peppers, the broccoli is high in vitamin C

good for collagen synthesis, it also
contains sulforaphane which increases NRF2

NRF2 pathway-"
overlapping dialog

This guy's just making up words.
What the fuck was all that shit.

I'm convinced he's speaking in tongues
dude, he needs to be, he needs to be

exorcised by a priest. And I can't help
but think about that tweet,

of a person who's meal prepping broccoli,
chicken and eggs and someone quote tweeted

it with, 'okay mr fart'.

That's all I'm thinking of when I look at
that dinner, dude. This dude's farts could

probably make you hallucinate bro.
Oh, you know what? Maybe that's what UPF

stands for. Ur Prolly Farting.

I also just watched a video from Brandon
saying that he eats pizza once a quarter.

"I would say about 95% of the time I eat
everything that I show here on TikTok

about 5% of the time, yes I'll go out with
a friend or like my partner or somebody

and we will maybe get pizza, maybe like
every quarter or so we might have pizza

it's not like a big deal for me."

Which sounds like a brutal existence dude,
a pizza every quarter?

Just one pizza a quarter?

I'd have a quarter of a pizza every hour
if I could, dude.

Like I said earlier, I wanna see how
effective this anti-aging lifestyle really

is. So for the next week, I'm gonna live
my life the exact same way Brandon does.

And we'll see if I end up looking any
younger. But first, we need to lock down a

daily routine.

Okay so luckily, Brandon has a lot of
videos detailing pretty much everything he

does in a typical day for anti-aging.
Let's start off with what I'm gonna be

eating this week.

He has a video called
'What I eat in a day for anti-aging'.

To summarise that video, Brandon has a
dark roast coffee in the morning and then

an hour or two later, he has breakfast
which sucks for me because the first thing

on my mind when I wake up is what I'm
gonna eat for breakfast.

For breakfast he says he makes a green
smoothie on days where he isn't fasting.

I figured I'd do a smoothie pretty much
every day and then one day I'll try to go

fasting and see how that goes.

And then a few hours later he makes a
humongous salad for lunch.

He then makes a hot chocolate made of 100%
cacao, cocoa powder, almon milk and salt.

And I don't know about you guys but I like
my hot chocolate sweet as hell.

So let's see how he sweetens it.

"No sweetener, I don't add any sweetener
or sugar, so it is bitter."

Great.

And for dinner, Brandon usually does
salmon or some other kind of fish for

omega-3. I don't know what those are, it
sounds like it could be one of the fuckin'

Autobots.
'Omega-3, roll out.'

And then alongside the salmon Brandon also
has broccoli and

"my favourite fall vegetable, a sweet
potato."

And then for dessert he does frozen
blueberries and dark chocolate.

So that's gonna be pretty much my diet
every single day this week.

And there were some other foods in his
TikTok and stuff, like hard boiled eggs

and avocado and stuff that I'll sprinkle
in here and there.

And also, god, real quick. I gotta say,
love the energy Brandon's YouTube profile

picture is giving off, I love it dude.
It looks like I'm seeing him through a

peephole.
And obviously another pinnacle of

anti-aging is exercise.
Brandon starts his day with a 10 minute

stretch, and this next part's gonna be
pretty hard, but Brandon aims to hit

20,000 steps a day.

"I've been trying to reach for 20,000
steps-"

That's a lot of steps, ok? Especially to
a guy who has mastered the art of parking

it, but Brandon actually uses this little
treadmill, this like walking pad while he

works and stuff, so I went ahead and
ordered that same treadmill because

I can't possibly think of another way to
get 20,000 steps in a day.

Especially during the summertime.

Brandon then does some weightlifting with
some 12-pound weights

and that'll be no problem.

And that's his daily workout routine.
Seems pretty low impact, which is nice.

But compared to my usual workout routine
that consists of 20 reps of hanging out

followed by three sets of chilling,
this is gonna be a big change for me.

Uh, yeah. The only push up I do is push up
on the D-pad, cause I'm a freaking gamer.

I paused my game to be here.

You know I can eat and exercise all I want
but if I don't look the part then

what am I doing? So I'm gonna order
some UPF 50 clothing as well.

And wow, look at these.
Holy crap, these are ugly.

They're not ugly, sorry.
They're just not what I would wear.

It's like, there's not even one ironic
vintage graphic t-shirt on here

what the fuck?

And I guess it's nice that these clothes
protect you from the sun, but it doesn't

say anything about protecting you from
insults. So I'm pretty nervous about that.

But I'm gonna give these a genuine try.
So I'm gonna order some of these.

And last but not least, Brandon made a
video going through some tips and tricks

about anti-aging that nobody really talks
about.

"So whenever I am, like, cooking a meal
and I'm baking and I'm using the oven,

I will be very very hesitant to just reach
my hand in there with just a mitten."

Damn, your skin can't even get warm?
What the fuck? That's not real.

"People who bake things for a living have
more aged skin on their dominant hand

the hand that they use for putting things
in the oven and pulling things out."

Also the example he uses...

He says people who work in kitchens
age poorly?

That might be true, but I can guarantee
you that's not because of the heat.

I've worked in restaurants before, ok?
If it's not the cigarettes, booze and

sniff

that ages them poorly, it's the
unnecessary amount of stress they put

themselves through.

'Ugh I'm so mad, the restaurant I work at
that sells food is selling too much food.

I gotta yell at Curtis and get more hand
tattoos about this.'

Sorry to all the line cooks and stuff
out there but I think that's just personal

work trauma I'm working through that-
nothing on you guys.

"Tip number two, flying in airplanes,
I always choose a window seat so that

I can control when the window is up and
down because when you're in higher

altitudes, UV- UVA in particular is
strongest at those highest altitudes-"

Yeah I guess that makes sense, but like a
couple hours of sunlight isn't gonna

fucking kill you. Well actually, I don't
know. It might kill him.

I don't know.

As you get on a flight, you're in the
window seat, sitting next to you is

Brandon Skincare, you look over, you open
the window, sun shines through and then

you look back at Brandon and there's just
a pile of ash there.

"Tip number three is wearing white
clothing. The sun comes down and reflects

UV off of that white significantly more so
than any other colour."

Alright, this is terrible news for me
because I actually really love wearing

white t-shirts, that's my favourite thing
to wear because I got this cool thing

called dandruff. So when I wear black my
shoulders kind of look like a fuckin'

Charli XCX concert. But who knows? Maybe
all this healthy eating I do this week

will somehow cure my dandruff.

"When you have bright lights on at night,
like just everywhere in your house and

you're watching TV and you're on your
phone and you're on your devices

this blue light and this visible light is
stimulating your serotonin levels when

it's not supposed to be stimulated, and
your circadian rhythm is getting all out

of whack."

Got, this is also gonna be a huge change.
Like I'm playing video games and working

until like 1AM fuckin' like every night.

Literally the lonely stoner seems to free
his mind at night, I don't know if he's

heard that before.
But now Brandon's saying no bright lights

at night? That ain't right!

"And also socialising and connecting with
others is really really important."

Okay, so I gotta hang out with my friends
and my wife this week.

I think I can make that happen.

"Maintaining an overall positive attitude
just overall can be connected to these

things, you know relaxation and reducing
negativity. Negativity is a powerful

detriment to your anti-aging goals.
A lot of people who are just negative

overall tend to have a reduced life span
and just more health issues overall,

tends to be a correlation there,
an association."

That's dumb. That's stupid.

Fuck dude, being negative shortens your
life? Nice knowing you guys!

Jesus Christ dude.

"And number 10 tip is basically not
drinking alcohol-"

Okay. Come on, man.

How you gonna tell me to be social but not
have any alcohol?

Yeah, great thing for anti-aging is to go
skydiving but don't wear a parachute!

Maybe he's just talking about hard liquor,
right?

'I'm sure he's not meaning 100 million
beers, right friend?'

"I just don't drink personally because I
know that there's really no benefit to

alcohol."

No benefits to alcohol? Okay, you tell
that to my hands that I'm not sure what to

do with at a concert.

Alright, I think we've got a firm
understanding of what my anti-aging week

is gonna look like, but I think before I
dive into the shallow end and break my

neck, I need one final day of getting all
the fun shit I like doing out of my system

I got a haircut.

So I had my quarterly pizza the night
before my week of anti-aging

and with a chest full of heartburn
I stared at my computer screen for the

rest of the night. I've been really busy
getting ready for tour and everything

and I knew I wasn't gonna have that much
time to do it this week, so I had to get

as much done as I possibly could.

That being said, I also played some video
games.

If you're wondering what video game I was
playing, then you're in luck.