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HOW I BECAME RUSSIAN
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Hi, my name is Alex Wilson.
I write for «American Post»
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the most popular newspaper in the US.
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In my cloumns I try to understand
what is America? Who are we?
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Everyone knows that America is a country
of unlimited opportunities.
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The American dream can become
a reality for anyone.
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But each person needs to find
their own way to achieve it.
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Each working American can take
as many loans as he wants.
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Kid, bad news. I'm sorry,
but you're fired.
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mortgage, car,
kids' education, credit cards
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TOTAL: 999000$
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You're gonna find a new job very soon.
Good luck!
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Our financial system is unbelievable.
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But enough about the positive,
let's talk about some problems.
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For example congressman Kevin Davenport
is positive that the biggest problem
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of the Unites States of America is...
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Immigrants!
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Being a patriot, I can't be silent! Illegal
immigrants are parasites of our society.
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This is the biggest problem in the USA!
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And he's absolutely right.
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It is true, they perfidiously
built his house...
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they raise his kids impudently…
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they obtrusively cook for him...
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How long shall he suffer of all this?
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Many people shit on America,
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but at the same time
millions strive to get here.
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Once you arrive in the US, you realize
that this is a country of dreams.
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The best of the worst.
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I mean, the best of the rest.
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And «patriotism» means loving
your country despite its drawbacks.
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Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?
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"Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?"
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Bravo, Alex!
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Davenport's people called
and threatened to sue!
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Can't you write anything
without offending these “goofs”?
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You let this in circulation...
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I have to watch everything?
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Well, yeah...
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Well, you need to escape for a while.
Business trip.
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To Russia.
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American spy
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Don't thank me.
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No no no no no, Mister Cooper!
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Sit out for couple of months.
When elections are over,
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congressman will calm down.
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Take your time to get
international experience. Do you see?
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And give them their «Best Bureau»
award statue - to the new boss.
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Why Russia?
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Your grandma's Russian, right?
Plus, it's the only vacancy.
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What happened to previous journalist?
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Alex, how should I know?
Drank too much vodka, eaten by a bear…
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What’s the difference? You're going.
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Mister Cooper…
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Do svidania (goodbye)
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So, what is Russia?
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Russia is a country where you can become
anyone you want!
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There`s a load of opportunities for business.
I`m interested in money, of course…
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Where the hell were you, moron?
We`re late.
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Roma - driver
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I love Russia, this country
offers endless opportunities!
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For example, you can meet a foreigner here,
marry him and move somewhere else.
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Marina - secretary
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There is a wonderful Russian saying:
“be of service where you were born”…
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Actually, I was born in Kirghizia…
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But in 1996 I almost drowned
in an ice hole outside of Moscow.
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So I think of it as
I was born the second time here.
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Anatoly - 33d on Forbes list
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Russia is first and foremost
rich history, culture
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and wonderful compassionate people.
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Hey, Anya, he isn`t dying yet, is he?
I`ll stop to buy some cigarettes.
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Get me a gum.
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Anya - GP
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My Russian grandma kept saying:
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“If you go to Russia,
don`t speak Russian straight away.
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You`ll always know people`s attitude!”.
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Need a taxi? Thousand roubles
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Oh! Yankee!
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Grandma was right.
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Yes, Ekaterina Denissovna!
I`ve already met him,
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we`re getting in the car!
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Thanks
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Mister Wilson?
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Yes
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Welcome to Russia. How was your flight?
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Everything's fine, but it's not...
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Where are you taking it?!
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None of your business.
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What the hell are you doing?
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What is it?
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It's a safety feature.
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In case the air bags don't work.
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It’s a joke. My name’s Roman, I…
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Sorry
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Yes?
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Roma, where are you?
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In Moscow.
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Very funny! I hope you`ll be on time.
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You can`t be late for the first meeting
with your future father-in-law!
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You didn`t forget, did you?
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No, princess. Of course I didn`t.
I just got stuck in traffic.
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I`ll be on time, don’t worry. Love you.
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Come on, don`t fret.
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Calm down, Alex, it's a teddy bear.
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Finally! - Hi.
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Dad!
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I want you to meet Roma, my boyfriend.
And this is my dad…
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As well as her main sponsor.
Anatoly Anatolyevich.
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Roman.
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And this?..
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And that is Alex Wilson,
journalist from America.
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He arrived at my request to improve
the quality of our newspaper. Yes, Alex?
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Yes.
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What newspaper?
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I told you, Roma is in media business.
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I`m just a member of the board of directors
of one of the publishing companies.
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So, a journalist. How do they say –
“the second oldest” (profession)?
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It`s a good thing not the first!
Yes, Alex?
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Yes
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He doesn`t speak Russian.
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Ok. Come to the table!
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Roma, what the hell is going on?
Why didn't we go to the hotel?
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Russian tradition. Lunch first.
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And who is this guy?
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He's my partner.
One of the richest men in Russia.
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Roma, what is this?
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This is ordinary Russian lunch.
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Ordinary?
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Daily.
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A newspaper, you say?
What do you write about?
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About business,
about successful businessmen…
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Basically, about people like you…
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So what, you want to write
an article about me?
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I heard that you don`t
talk to journalists.
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Yeah, right.
Because they are all assholes.
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Dad! Everybody's an asshole to you!
You could make an exception for Roma!
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How about we drink to our acquaintance?
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Excuse me, can I have a сoke please?
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Ah! American. You prefer whiskey with cola!
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It freezes here at minus 40 degrees.
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Hence, only vodka.
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Sorry, I just don't drink alcohol.
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Alex, drink! Here in Russia you cannot
refuse to drink.
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It’s the same as you show
a middle finger in USA.
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Do you want to show him a middle finger?
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Not really.
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Go!
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Alex, bottoms up.
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What?
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Bottoms up.
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[disrespect]
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It's actually not that bad here. tykdkytdk
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Roma! ROMA! Wake up!
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We are late to the office.
I have appointment with Ekaterina at ten.
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She will fire me.
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What? Who'll fire you?
You're a in the board of directors.
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I'm the driver of a member
of the board of directors.
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What?!
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She's coming!
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Good morning.
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Ekaterina Denissovna, here`s your
opening speech for the presentation.
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Sluggish beginning. Redo it!
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designs for the hall decoration…
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Golden ribbons? It`s a presentation,
not an Armenian wedding!
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Here is the guest list and your coffee.
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Do I have four arms?!
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Attention, zoo!
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Today a journalist from the New York office
of the “American Post” has arrived.
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A real professional who doesn`t sleep at work,
doesn`t paint nails, doesn`t play computer games.
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Finally we`ll have a decent person in here.
Marina, invite Wilson.
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He`s not here… yet.
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He should`ve been here two hours ago.
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I`m sorry, Ekaterina Denissovna.
This is Alex Wilson. From the USA.
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Here comes the professional.
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This is all Roma's fault. He told me,
that he is in the board of directors,
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brought me to some oligarch for lunch.
And then we went to sauna and then...
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I don’t remember...
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You're supposed to present me with an award
from New York at the gala dinner.
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I hope you haven't drunk it away.
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No, everything is fine.
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My sweet
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Hi. Have you recovered after yesterday?
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Oh, we hardly drank yesterday. I`m fine.
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But it was too much for the American,
he`s falling apart.
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I settled it with my dad.
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You can come over between five and seven
and take an interview.
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Interview? What interview?
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We won`t just write an article about you.
We`ll make a spread with a photo shoot!
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Oh! The interview, yes, we`ll be there…
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Honey, I`ll call you later, OK?
I`m at the board of directors meeting.
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What are you doing, jerk?!
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You`re the jerk! Fucking jerk! Bastard!
You ruined my first day at work!
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So you can speak...
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I need the address of the place
where we were yesterday.
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I need to take back the statuette.
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I`ll give you a ride.
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I`ll never go anywhere with you again.
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Alex, come on, stop sulking!
Tell me how do you know Russian so well?
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Grandma taught me.
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Why did you say that you`re
in the board of directors?
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Have you seen Ira, her father, their house?
Do you think she`d date a driver?
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They will find out eventually.
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When they do, I'll think of something.
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F... who drives like this?! Stay in the car.
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Roma, please, stop!
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Put a shoe-sticker on, "i'm an idiot'" sign
would be better. Get out of the car!
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Roma! Wait, don`t! Look, it`s nothing.
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It's not her fault, please!
We don't have the time! Ekaterina will...
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How are you driving, dumbass!
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Have I died? Am I in heaven?
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Oh, no, in hell.
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It`s just a bruise. You`ll be OK.
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Where am I?
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At my place. This is my sister Anya,
she is a doctor.
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Nice to meet you. I`m Alex Wilson.
It`s my second day in Russia and here I am…
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Couldn`t you take off his shoes?
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Hey! Forget it.
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What?
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Roma, why is it that every time
I`m in pain you`re near?
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How is it my fault now?
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Better tell me how you`re gonna interview
Anatoly Anatolyevich looking like that?
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Interview?
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Interview. You were so drunk yesterday
that you promised him a spread.
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But I can`t work today.
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Yeah, I get it. But then we should warn
Ekaterina that you won`t bring the award.
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I won`t take any interview today.
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They say that all Russian oligarchs
are former outlaws…
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Tell me, have you ever shot anyone?
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Where are you?!
The presentation is in an hour!
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Why aren`t you doing anything? Come on,
we have one hour left. Move!
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Katyundra is flying off the handle.
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OK, calm down, we`re on the way.
Yeah, with the award.
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Roma!
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What are you doing here?
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You know, I was looking for the bathroom
and got lost here…
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Where`s Alex?
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Alex is interviewing your father.
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That`s great.
I think he can handle it himself.
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…and I say: “If I miss – the factory is yours!”
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He puts the glass on the head and I from 45 meters...
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The glass - in pieces,
and not one hair on his head moves.
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You don't believe me?
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No, no, I do believe you…
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No. You don't.
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Let`s go.
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There, can you see the statue?
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Look at the head, at its head.
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Ah! Are you saying you can do the same?
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Come on, aim.
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Gun down!
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Calm down, cops.
Leave the American guy in one piece.
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Go away, go.
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Welldone! It`s for you, a present from me.
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Thank you very much.
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Let's go!
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Where have you been?
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I was discussing a project with my partners.
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We've just...
We need to go to the presentation.
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How's he going to drive now?
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Driving sober in Russia is scary. Drink.
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OK. Let`s go, I`ll give you a ride.
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If that American moron
doesn`t show up right now,
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we announce the banquet
instead of the award ceremony.
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Why aren`t we moving?
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Traffic jam.
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Must be our president on his way to work.
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In this country the less the president works –
the more convenient for the people.
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Welcome to the annual “American Post” presentation.
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That`s it… now we are definitely late.
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No, we aren`t. Ignat!
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Let's go!
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How do I look?
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Like a guerilla!
Come on, go ahead, for Obama!
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Everything's fine.
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Nah… The guy needs help.
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Anatoly Anatolyevich, why?
He's a big boy, he can handle it himself.
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Listen here, we all go to your presentation,
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and then we hit karaoke.
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But it's a private event.
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Are you kidding? Private for whom?
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…according to TNS, our newspaper has increased its target audience by 16%…
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…this is the direction that our publishing company considers to be the trend...
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And now please look at the screen.
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Starting with the next issue we will have
a new column entitled “An American`s diary”.
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It will be written by an American journalist
Alex Wilson, who came...
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I'm from New York and I made it on time!
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I came here to present an official award
to the head of the Moscow department
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of the “American Post”
and a ch-ch-ch-charming lady… to you.
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Here.
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What a wonderful award, I am so glad…
I think it symbolizes…
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our everyday… struggle for sensation.
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And thanks to Mr Wilson
for his unforgettable speech.
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(go away)
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Wait... I need...
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I didn`t understand you, Russians, at first
and then I had a drink and understood.
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You, Russians, are wonderful,
you are real!
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You don't wear these fake smiles!
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If you hate, you hate with all your heart,
if you love – you love with all your heart.
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I swear it's true. I love you!
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And of course you too, Ekaterina Denissovna!
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I advise you to keep your thinking device safe,
you might need it.
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Maybe I did it on purpose, to see you.
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Next time I won`t see you without OMS.
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Insurance, Alex.
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If I keep working with your brother,
I`ll need to go get it.
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After everything you`ve done there tonight,
you need to go to the employment office.
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Come on, I'll take you to the hotel.
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So what is Russia after all?
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Russia is a country with no borderline
between incredible hospitality and wild drinking.
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A country with the longest roads
which have the longest traffic jams.
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A country where excessive vanity lives
side by side with pure selflessness.
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Besides, it`s the only place on the planet
where the “broad Russina soul” can fit.
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So, what is Russia? As they say here…
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…who the hell knows!