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HOW I BECAME RUSSIAN

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Hi, my name is Alex Wilson. 
I write for «American Post»

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the most popular newspaper in the US.

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In my cloumns I try to understand
what is America? Who are we?

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Everyone knows that America is a country
of unlimited opportunities.

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The American dream can become 
a reality for anyone.

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But each person needs to find 
their own way to achieve it.

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Each working American can take 
as many loans as he wants.

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Kid, bad news. I'm sorry,
but you're fired.

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mortgage, car, 
kids' education, credit cards

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TOTAL: 999000$

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You're gonna find a new job very soon.
Good luck!

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Our financial system is unbelievable.


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But enough about the positive, 
let's talk about some problems.

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For example congressman Kevin Davenport 
is positive that the biggest problem

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of the Unites States of America is...

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Immigrants!

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Being a patriot, I can't be silent! Illegal 
immigrants are parasites of our society.

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This is the biggest problem in the USA!

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And he's absolutely right.

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It is true, they perfidiously 
built his house...

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they raise his kids impudently…

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they obtrusively cook for him...

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How long shall he suffer of all this?

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Many people shit on America,


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but at the same time 
millions strive to get here.

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Once you arrive in the US, you realize 
that this is a country of dreams.

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The best of the worst.

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I mean, the best of the rest.

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And «patriotism» means loving 
your country despite its drawbacks.

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Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?

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"Isn't that right, Mr. Davenport?"


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Bravo, Alex!

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Davenport's people called 
and threatened to sue!

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Can't you write anything 
without offending these “goofs”?

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You let this in circulation...

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I have to watch everything?

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Well, yeah...

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Well, you need to escape for a while.
Business trip.

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To Russia.

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American spy

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Don't thank me.

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No no no no no, Mister Cooper!

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Sit out for couple of months. 
When elections are over,

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congressman will calm down.

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Take your time to get 
international experience. Do you see?

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And give them their «Best Bureau»
award statue - to the new boss.

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Why Russia?

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00:03:58,688 --> 00:04:02,836
Your grandma's Russian, right? 
Plus, it's the only vacancy.

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What happened to previous journalist?

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Alex, how should I know? 
Drank too much vodka, eaten by a bear…

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What’s the difference? You're going.

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Mister Cooper…

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Do svidania (goodbye)

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So, what is Russia?

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Russia is a country where you can become
anyone you want!

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There`s a load of opportunities for business. 
I`m interested in money, of course…

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Where the hell were you, moron? 
We`re late.

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Roma - driver


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I love Russia, this country 
offers endless opportunities!

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For example, you can meet a foreigner here, 
marry him and move somewhere else.

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Marina - secretary

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There is a wonderful Russian saying: 
“be of service where you were born”…

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Actually, I was born in Kirghizia…

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But in 1996 I almost drowned 
in an ice hole outside of Moscow.

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So I think of it as 
I was born the second time here.

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Anatoly - 33d on Forbes list

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Russia is first and foremost 
rich history, culture

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and wonderful compassionate people.

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Hey, Anya, he isn`t dying yet, is he?
I`ll stop to buy some cigarettes.

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Get me a gum.

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Anya - GP

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My Russian grandma kept saying:

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“If you go to Russia, 
don`t speak Russian straight away.

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You`ll always know people`s attitude!”.

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Need a taxi? Thousand roubles

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Oh! Yankee!

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Grandma was right.

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Yes, Ekaterina Denissovna! 
I`ve already met him,

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we`re getting in the car!

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Thanks

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Mister Wilson?

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Yes

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Welcome to Russia. How was your flight?

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Everything's fine, but it's not...

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Where are you taking it?!

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None of your business.

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What the hell are you doing?

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What is it?

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It's a safety feature.

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In case the air bags don't work.

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It’s a joke. My name’s Roman, I…

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Sorry

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Yes?

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Roma, where are you?

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In Moscow.

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Very funny! I hope you`ll be on time.

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You can`t be late for the first meeting 
with your future father-in-law!

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You didn`t forget, did you?

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No, princess. Of course I didn`t. 
I just got stuck in traffic.

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I`ll be on time, don’t worry. Love you.

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Come on, don`t fret.

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Calm down, Alex, it's a teddy bear.

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Finally! - Hi.

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Dad!

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I want you to meet Roma, my boyfriend. 
And this is my dad…

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As well as her main sponsor. 
Anatoly Anatolyevich.

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Roman.

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And this?..

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And that is Alex Wilson, 
journalist from America.

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He arrived at my request to improve 
the quality of our newspaper. Yes, Alex?

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Yes.

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What newspaper?

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I told you, Roma is in media business.

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I`m just a member of the board of directors 
of one of the publishing companies.

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So, a journalist. How do they say – 
“the second oldest” (profession)?

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It`s a good thing not the first! 
Yes, Alex?

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Yes

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He doesn`t speak Russian.

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Ok. Come to the table!

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Roma, what the hell is going on? 
Why didn't we go to the hotel?

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Russian tradition. Lunch first.

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And who is this guy?

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He's my partner. 
One of the richest men in Russia.

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Roma, what is this?

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This is ordinary Russian lunch.

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Ordinary?

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Daily.

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A newspaper, you say? 
What do you write about?

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About business, 
about successful businessmen…

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Basically, about people like you…

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So what, you want to write 
an article about me?

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I heard that you don`t 
talk to journalists.

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Yeah, right. 
Because they are all assholes.

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Dad! Everybody's an asshole to you! 
You could make an exception for Roma!

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How about we drink to our acquaintance?

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Excuse me, can I have a сoke please?

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Ah! American. You prefer whiskey with cola!

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It freezes here at minus 40 degrees.

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Hence, only vodka.

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Sorry, I just don't drink alcohol.

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Alex, drink! Here in Russia you cannot 
refuse to drink.

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It’s the same as you show 
a middle finger in USA.

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Do you want to show him a middle finger?

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Not really.

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Go!

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Alex, bottoms up.

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What?

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Bottoms up.

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[disrespect]

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It's actually not that bad here. tykdkytdk

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Roma! ROMA! Wake up!

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We are late to the office. 
I have appointment with Ekaterina at ten.

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She will fire me.

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What? Who'll fire you? 
You're a in the board of directors.

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I'm the driver of a member 
of the board of directors.

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What?!

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She's coming!

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Good morning.

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Ekaterina Denissovna, here`s your 
opening speech for the presentation.

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Sluggish beginning. Redo it!

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designs for the hall decoration…

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Golden ribbons? It`s a presentation, 
not an Armenian wedding!

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Here is the guest list and your coffee.

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Do I have four arms?!

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Attention, zoo!

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Today a journalist from the New York office 
of the “American Post” has arrived.

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A real professional who doesn`t sleep at work, 
doesn`t paint nails, doesn`t play computer games.

169
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Finally we`ll have a decent person in here. 
Marina, invite Wilson.

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He`s not here… yet.

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He should`ve been here two hours ago.

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I`m sorry, Ekaterina Denissovna. 
This is Alex Wilson. From the USA.

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Here comes the professional.

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This is all Roma's fault. He told me, 
that he is in the board of directors, 


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brought me to some oligarch for lunch. 
And then we went to sauna and then...

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I don’t remember...

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You're supposed to present me with an award 
from New York at the gala dinner.

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I hope you haven't drunk it away.

179
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No, everything is fine.

180
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My sweet

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Hi. Have you recovered after yesterday?

182
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Oh, we hardly drank yesterday. I`m fine.

183
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But it was too much for the American, 
he`s falling apart.

184
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I settled it with my dad.

185
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,093
You can come over between five and seven 
and take an interview.

186
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:19,306
Interview? What interview?

187
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We won`t just write an article about you. 
We`ll make a spread with a photo shoot!

188
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Oh! The interview, yes, we`ll be there…

189
00:14:34,281 --> 00:14:37,138
Honey, I`ll call you later, OK? 
I`m at the board of directors meeting.

190
00:14:38,568 --> 00:14:39,531
What are you doing, jerk?!

191
00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:46,248
You`re the jerk! Fucking jerk! Bastard! 
You ruined my first day at work!

192
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So you can speak...

193
00:14:53,363 --> 00:14:56,518
I need the address of the place 
where we were yesterday.

194
00:14:56,907 --> 00:14:58,125
I need to take back the statuette.

195
00:14:59,034 --> 00:15:00,540
I`ll give you a ride.

196
00:15:00,791 --> 00:15:03,919
I`ll never go anywhere with you again.

197
00:15:05,544 --> 00:15:12,408
Alex, come on, stop sulking! 
Tell me how do you know Russian so well?

198
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Grandma taught me.

199
00:15:20,904 --> 00:15:23,524
Why did you say that you`re 
in the board of directors?

200
00:15:25,923 --> 00:15:32,031
Have you seen Ira, her father, their house? 
Do you think she`d date a driver?

201
00:15:32,468 --> 00:15:34,821
They will find out eventually.

202
00:15:35,526 --> 00:15:38,258
When they do, I'll think of something.

203
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,031
F... who drives like this?! Stay in the car.

204
00:15:45,358 --> 00:15:46,247
Roma, please, stop!

205
00:15:46,387 --> 00:15:49,308
Put a shoe-sticker on, "i'm an idiot'" sign 
would be better. Get out of the car!

206
00:15:51,319 --> 00:15:54,970
Roma! Wait, don`t! Look, it`s nothing.

207
00:15:56,745 --> 00:16:01,030
It's not her fault, please!
We don't have the time! Ekaterina will...

208
00:16:01,776 --> 00:16:02,922
How are you driving, dumbass!

209
00:16:06,086 --> 00:16:08,422
Have I died? Am I in heaven?

210
00:16:14,753 --> 00:16:16,351
Oh, no, in hell.

211
00:16:17,422 --> 00:16:20,941
It`s just a bruise. You`ll be OK.

212
00:16:22,559 --> 00:16:24,514
Where am I?

213
00:16:24,930 --> 00:16:28,595
At my place. This is my sister Anya, 
she is a doctor.

214
00:16:31,538 --> 00:16:37,298
Nice to meet you. I`m Alex Wilson. 
It`s my second day in Russia and here I am…

215
00:16:39,883 --> 00:16:41,320
Couldn`t you take off his shoes?

216
00:16:45,902 --> 00:16:47,458
Hey! Forget it.

217
00:16:48,012 --> 00:16:48,894
What?

218
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:02,068
Roma, why is it that every time 
I`m in pain you`re near?

219
00:17:02,663 --> 00:17:04,089
How is it my fault now?

220
00:17:04,728 --> 00:17:07,390
Better tell me how you`re gonna interview 
Anatoly Anatolyevich looking like that?

221
00:17:08,384 --> 00:17:08,938
Interview?

222
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:11,245
Interview. You were so drunk yesterday 
that you promised him a spread.

223
00:17:13,063 --> 00:17:15,353
But I can`t work today.

224
00:17:15,353 --> 00:17:19,888
Yeah, I get it. But then we should warn 
Ekaterina that you won`t bring the award.

225
00:17:20,762 --> 00:17:23,018
I won`t take any interview today.

226
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:40,663
They say that all Russian oligarchs
are former outlaws…

227
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:47,487
Tell me, have you ever shot anyone?

228
00:18:21,925 --> 00:18:23,550
Where are you?! 
The presentation is in an hour!

229
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:28,465
Why aren`t you doing anything? Come on,
we have one hour left. Move!

230
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:29,977
Katyundra is flying off the handle.

231
00:18:30,411 --> 00:18:33,587
OK, calm down, we`re on the way. 
Yeah, with the award.

232
00:18:36,418 --> 00:18:37,210
Roma!

233
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,058
What are you doing here?

234
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:49,768
You know, I was looking for the bathroom 
and got lost here…

235
00:18:50,928 --> 00:18:51,914
Where`s Alex?

236
00:18:51,914 --> 00:18:55,583
Alex is interviewing your father.

237
00:18:57,051 --> 00:18:59,929
That`s great. 
I think he can handle it himself.

238
00:19:05,498 --> 00:19:08,272
…and I say: “If I miss – the factory is yours!”

239
00:19:10,556 --> 00:19:14,056
He puts the glass on the head and I from 45 meters...

240
00:19:18,112 --> 00:19:21,619
The glass - in pieces, 
and not one hair on his head moves.

241
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:28,728
You don't believe me?

242
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:30,995
No, no, I do believe you…

243
00:19:35,310 --> 00:19:37,386
No. You don't.

244
00:19:39,625 --> 00:19:40,630
Let`s go.

245
00:19:49,908 --> 00:19:53,078
There, can you see the statue?

246
00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:58,458
Look at the head, at its head.

247
00:20:06,441 --> 00:20:08,843
Ah! Are you saying you can do the same?

248
00:20:11,308 --> 00:20:13,209
Come on, aim.

249
00:20:26,329 --> 00:20:27,604
Gun down!

250
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,203
Calm down, cops. 
Leave the American guy in one piece.

251
00:20:30,808 --> 00:20:31,929
Go away, go.

252
00:20:34,807 --> 00:20:38,284
Welldone! It`s for you, a present from me.

253
00:20:39,414 --> 00:20:40,756
Thank you very much.

254
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:41,814
Let's go!

255
00:20:44,184 --> 00:20:45,463
Where have you been?

256
00:20:45,585 --> 00:20:47,071
I was discussing a project with my partners.

257
00:20:48,307 --> 00:20:54,408
We've just...
We need to go to the presentation.

258
00:20:57,664 --> 00:20:58,657
How's he going to drive now?

259
00:20:58,836 --> 00:21:03,514
Driving sober in Russia is scary. Drink.

260
00:21:09,190 --> 00:21:11,422
OK. Let`s go, I`ll give you a ride.

261
00:21:11,906 --> 00:21:14,187
If that American moron 
doesn`t show up right now,

262
00:21:14,895 --> 00:21:16,948
we announce the banquet 
instead of the award ceremony.

263
00:21:17,356 --> 00:21:18,597
Why aren`t we moving?

264
00:21:19,126 --> 00:21:20,443
Traffic jam.

265
00:21:21,631 --> 00:21:23,636
Must be our president on his way to work.

266
00:21:25,715 --> 00:21:30,397
In this country the less the president works – 
the more convenient for the people.

267
00:21:31,828 --> 00:21:35,485
Welcome to the annual “American Post” presentation.

268
00:21:37,292 --> 00:21:38,739
That`s it… now we are definitely late.

269
00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:40,498
No, we aren`t. Ignat!

270
00:21:48,259 --> 00:21:49,235
Let's go!

271
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:00,595
How do I look?

272
00:22:03,283 --> 00:22:06,336
Like a guerilla! 
Come on, go ahead, for Obama!

273
00:22:10,216 --> 00:22:11,010
Everything's fine.

274
00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,266
Nah… The guy needs help.

275
00:22:13,528 --> 00:22:15,868
Anatoly Anatolyevich, why? 
He's a big boy, he can handle it himself.

276
00:22:17,066 --> 00:22:20,129
Listen here, we all go to your presentation,

277
00:22:23,599 --> 00:22:25,867
and then we hit karaoke.

278
00:22:26,147 --> 00:22:27,603
But it's a private event.

279
00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:30,820
Are you kidding? Private for whom?

280
00:22:31,466 --> 00:22:37,458
…according to TNS, our newspaper has increased its target audience by 16%…

281
00:22:43,973 --> 00:22:48,847
…this is the direction that our publishing company considers to be the trend...

282
00:22:59,316 --> 00:23:01,726
And now please look at the screen.

283
00:23:02,207 --> 00:23:06,724
Starting with the next issue we will have 
a new column entitled “An American`s diary”.

284
00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:14,502
It will be written by an American journalist
Alex Wilson, who came...

285
00:23:26,975 --> 00:23:30,049
I'm from New York and I made it on time!

286
00:23:32,938 --> 00:23:38,156
I came here to present an official award 
to the head of the Moscow department

287
00:23:39,521 --> 00:23:45,885
of the “American Post” 
and a ch-ch-ch-charming lady… to you.

288
00:23:55,468 --> 00:23:56,242
Here.

289
00:24:06,268 --> 00:24:10,977
What a wonderful award, I am so glad… 
I think it symbolizes…

290
00:24:12,424 --> 00:24:15,586
our everyday… struggle for sensation.

291
00:24:16,449 --> 00:24:19,733
And thanks to Mr Wilson 
for his unforgettable speech.

292
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:21,015
(go away)

293
00:24:24,333 --> 00:24:27,798
Wait... I need...

294
00:24:31,283 --> 00:24:37,295
I didn`t understand you, Russians, at first 
and then I had a drink and understood.

295
00:24:40,689 --> 00:24:45,500
You, Russians, are wonderful,
you are real!

296
00:24:46,859 --> 00:24:49,193
You don't wear these fake smiles!

297
00:24:52,799 --> 00:25:01,265
If you hate, you hate with all your heart, 
if you love – you love with all your heart.

298
00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:05,560
I swear it's true. I love you!

299
00:25:13,582 --> 00:25:16,370
And of course you too, Ekaterina Denissovna!

300
00:25:42,896 --> 00:25:46,541
I advise you to keep your thinking device safe, 
you might need it.

301
00:25:48,249 --> 00:25:51,809
Maybe I did it on purpose, to see you.

302
00:25:52,503 --> 00:25:55,078
Next time I won`t see you without OMS.

303
00:25:56,685 --> 00:25:57,831
Insurance, Alex.

304
00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:03,162
If I keep working with your brother, 
I`ll need to go get it.

305
00:26:05,186 --> 00:26:09,723
After everything you`ve done there tonight, 
you need to go to the employment office.

306
00:26:14,912 --> 00:26:17,790
Come on, I'll take you to the hotel.

307
00:26:21,956 --> 00:26:23,985
So what is Russia after all?

308
00:26:24,556 --> 00:26:29,268
Russia is a country with no borderline 
between incredible hospitality and wild drinking.

309
00:26:31,145 --> 00:26:35,485
A country with the longest roads
which have the longest traffic jams.

310
00:26:37,656 --> 00:26:42,297
A country where excessive vanity lives 
side by side with pure selflessness.

311
00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:48,881
Besides, it`s the only place on the planet 
where the “broad Russina soul” can fit.

312
00:26:50,448 --> 00:26:52,933
So, what is Russia? As they say here…

313
00:26:53,356 --> 00:26:55,187
…who the hell knows!